Airports are one of the rare places in the world where you can eat a steak and do shots at 9am and no one judges you.
It’s easier to win an argument with a smart person than a dumb person
Making a typo in an online argument is the equivalent of voice cracking in a verbal argument.
If the countries of Chad and Jordan ever went to war, all the news headlines would sound like they were about two really rich guys who were pissed at each other.
There will never be scientific proof of the supernatural. If science proves that something thought to be supernatural actually exists... it would simply become "natural".
The only good thing about living in Alabama is that it’s the first state in the dropdown when entering your address for things online.
Psychos in movies chase their victim not by running, but by power-walking; because tiring your prey by relentless pursuit is the most basic hunting instinct for humans.
Seeing a young person skating is cool, seeing a middle age person skating is not cool, but seeing an old person skating is probably the coolest thing ever
Every bathroom cleaner; use in a well ventilated area. Every bathroom; poorly ventilated.
Gravity and acceleration are the same thing.
Being 35 and not wanting to work in the field for which you've prepared is like being half way through an RPG and realizing you've built out your skill tree all wrong and you can't respec and you can't make a new character and there will never be another video game again
Dwayne Johnson is the new Arnold Schwarzenegger.
The Lord of the Rings trilogy backwards is the journey of a hobbit navigating his way through a war torn country to bring a magical volcanic ring to his dying grandfather as a birthday present.
The alphabet doesn’t need to be in that order
The greatest victory isn't destroying your enemies; it's having them join your side.
Bitcoin accounts with forgotten logins will be the buried treasure of the 21st century.
Drug dealers are against the decriminalization of drugs
There's something blissful about waking up in bed and checking the time and seeing you have four hours left in bed instead of four minutes
If Pinocchio where real we could harvest his nose for infinite wood without harming the environment.
Shark week is the safest time to go to the beach because all of the sharks are busy on TV.
A good prison nickname would be mitochondria.
Art is how we decorate space; music is how we decorate time.
If real animals were Pokémon, kangaroos would just be the evolved form of rabbits.
Between the coffee and the cocaine, it looks like the mission of Colombia is to wake up the world.
In relativity, there is no absolute reference frame, hence the common phrase “everything is relative.” So, why can’t we say the sun revolves around the earth.
You pass your death anniversary every year without knowing the date.
Once you admit that you were wrong, you are no longer wrong
Someone is going to be the last human born.
Drinking non alcoholic beer is like going down on your own sister. Sure it tastes the same, but it just ain't right.
99.999% of the world wouldn't care if you died.
Water is just basically a drug that everyone is dependent on
Reese’s putting Reese’s Pieces inside Reese’s Cups is tantamount to stuffing meatballs inside a meatloaf.
A theater could make money off the people who sneak snacks in by opening a store, that sells that stuff, near their theater.
Let us all take a moment to appreciate that our internal organs don't itch
There are only 2 genders
100 years ago, only the rich had cars, the poor rode horses. Today, only the rich ride horses.
The human body is an amazing organic machine. It is self-aware, self-repairing (to a point), self-fueling, has an onboard organic computer, a fuel-processing plant, and can use organic material to add on to itself.
It would probably be really awkward if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000’s of pictures you have of them sleeping
If someone says they’re dying of hunger or thirst, they’re technically not wrong
We could all be eating something very deadly without knowing it. That's why we only live for about 60 years...
Left leaning media tells you what to think, right leaning media tells you what not to think.
Pineapple goes on pizza just like how tongues go into assholes, it’s not for everybody but those who enjoy it are a bit more sophisticated.
For being The Final Fantasy, they sure do have a lot of sequals.
On average, every child is an improved version of their parents due to evolution.
Very little sex in the animal community seems to be consensual.
‘Kobe’ is for accuracy, but ‘YEET’ is for distance
Brushing your teeth is the only time you clean your skeleton
There is nothing more satisfying than waking up after having a nightmare and understanding it was only a dream.
“Restroom” would be a much more appropriate title for Your bedroom
If your dad masturbated at least one more time before he impregnated your mom, you would have never been born
A W is pronounce double U because it is just two U's put together
If we replaced every vowel in the alphabet with ‘e’ we’d all sound like we’d been smoking for 20+ years “geed merneng Sheren, hews yeer dey been”
Each year you have a birthday, but each year you also have a death day.
People who get sleeve tattoos don’t anticipate old age.
Our fingers have fingertips, but our toes don’t have toetips. We can tiptoe but not tipfinger.
English is a funny language but you have to marvel at a language in which can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
Kermit can't be a weather presenter as he can't appear on green screen.
Eating on the toilet is like giving birth in a morgue
Antivaxxers are just conspiracy theorists who managed to have kids
Maybe if we underpaid modern rappers and gave better pay to teachers we might have a better future, further away from drugs and more towards a smarter society.
The world’s heaviest person could genuinely say he is the ‘biggest fan’ of whatever he enjoys.
Vimeo is an anagram for “movie”
If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When" you get the answer to each of them.
It takes 31 years to count to 1 billion
So a corn maze is a maize maze
If you switched bodies with someone you would never know.
Chain chomps are enslaved pac-mans.
All anxiety is triggered by nouns
If every person would kill one person, every person on earth would die.
We really underappreciate spiders, imagine how many other bugs and flies we would have if it wasn't for our little arachnid friends
Cooking while naked might top the list of most vulnerable experiences in life.
Vaping is the greatest smoking innovation ever to benefit non-smokers.
No one has ever paid attention to a movie’s end credits
You can make any car a limo by stretching it except a van. If you stretch a van, it just becomes a bus.
If Thanos kept snapping, it would take 33 snaps for him to take the population of Earth from 7,000,000,000 to just him.
Ant Man could've been in every single Marvel movie trailer and none of us would've ever known.
A lot of people want Aliens to visit us but they forget that we would look like cavemen compared to them and most likely they will enslave us and take all of our resources just like humans do to other humans.
Someone needs to develop a pill that GIVES people depression temporarily so we can all see what depressed people are going through.
The Brain is the most important organ you have, according to the brain.
If you ever did anything that caused an entire room to clap and cheer, nobody would believe you
In a swimming pool, you’re touching the water that is touching other people’s private parts
If you made $80,000 A DAY, your yearly income would only be 30 million.
We never really watch the whole movie because our eyes always blink, missing small portions of the movie.
The Office doesn't really teach you much about the paper industry over the course of its 9 year run
Would make much more sense, if "human" denoted the male, while "man" denoted our species as a whole. Then you'd only use prefixes, when being specific.
If you are what you eat then cannibals are the most human of us all.
being a manager is basically baby sitting adults
Men holding doors open for women is considered an act of chivalry and good etiquette, but it is actually an ingenious scheme to get women to always walk through doors first so we can scope their booty from behind.
If homosexuality was genetic it would not exist
If you take a spaceship from Earth and travel lightspeed for a year and then stop, you will be able to turn around and see exactly what happened after you left.
1995: Don’t get in the car with strangers. 2018: UBER
Mercedes has all three E's pronounced differently.
Life would be a living hell if you had the phone number 8675309
The main reason we forget our passwords is because we only see the dots when we type them in.
You cannot lie while asking a question.
Salt is just a rock. So we are putting rocks on our food.
The world’s greatest massager will never experience the world’s greatest massage
There are more nipples in the world than there are people.
Anxiety is like when video game combat music is playing but you can't find any enemies.
If you are a women with a healthy vagina and have Anti-Childbirth beliefs - then you are a useless cunt
Eating a raw egg is way too risky, but a spoonful of cookie dough is totally worth the risk.
You can’t change the people around you, but you can change the people around you.
For some people being an introvert is just a socially acceptable way of being selfish.
Any sentence is a question just by raising your inflection at the end.
Let’s appreciate the fact that our skin doesn’t shed like a snake does.
People who don’t have kids are seen as selfish, but most people who have kids do so because they want them for their own selfish reasons.
For every job taken by a machine a new job will be made to fix that machine.
If you mash your keyboard, there's a high chance you're the first person in the galaxy to ever type that specific string of keys.
Someone , somewhere has the highest score on google Dino and probably doesn’t even know.
With all the green in our landscape, it's weird not to see mammals with green fur.
Karma points are social currency.
A good way to find out if youre truly old is to fall in the street. If people laugh, you’re still young. If they rush to help you, you’re old.
You are a slave to your parents until you are 18 years of age.
If you drew a Venn diagram for cheesecake and Mountain Dew, the overlapping part would be key lime pie.
Mercedes has three “e”s that are all pronounced differently
The ability to pin a text message to the top of your phone inbox, like an email, would save us all so much hassle and prevent a lot of upset.
You’ve been shouted and sworn at hundreds of times while driving, and you don’t know when.
2003 is as far away as 2031
If you handstand, you are holding the whole world in your hands
You know how cartoon movies make it clear early on who the bad guy is because he is the one mistreating families and separating children from parents..? That's what ICE is doing.
Self-checkout is doing work for a company for which you don’t get paid.
All movies based on true events are all in one big cinematic universe
Being a lifeguard in the Olympics swimming event is one of the most useless jobs.
No one likes the colour brown
Nobody would ever text while riding a bike at 15mph but tons of people text while driving on the freeway at 70mph
We refer to a pair of pants as "pants," but refer to one leg of that pair as a "pant leg," therefore making the term "pants" useless.
So if you eat corn without chewing it and mushrooms uncooked, its calorie free, because it doesn't get digested.
There are going to be way too many Fortnite costumes this Halloween
Bitting, and swallowing, you nails makes you a cannibal.
The building that you’re born in is the only building you’ll ever leave without entering
Ancient languages are actually younger than the one you use.
Using the term “long story short” adds unnecessary length to a story which could just as easily be told shortly without it.
The seven day week is completely arbitrary.
Every person who's gone missing dead or alive is still here on Earth
Imagine being the camera man for a porn video
Air is our friend. But it's the absolute enemy of our food, which is also our friend.
Superman would be even stronger if his skin was darker.
People who refuse to install their OS security updates for no reason are the digital equivalent of anti-vaxxers.
People with smart watches have no reason not respond to your texts
Marrying a woman because you got her pregnant is a real life "You break it, you buy it" scenario.
Banana has three A's all pronounced the same
Saying W-W-W has 3 times as many syllables as saying "World Wide Web."
Don’t drop the soap. Don’t drop the soap.
Eating makes you not hungry.
The world isn't out to get you; it doesn't even care that you exist.
Since some families only have daughter(s), when the daughters eventually marry, their surname will no longer be used, making some family surnames extinct.
If you go a day without learning something new, you learn what its like to goo a day without learning something new
What came first, the egg or the chicken🤔
We're lucky water isn't sticky
You are more likely to be outlived by a can of beans than another human.
If a man is over 40 and has a full head of hair, there's a 60% chance his dick doesn't work without pharmaceutical assistance.
When you take drugs the happiness you feel, is just borrowed happiness from the upcoming days.
The light you are drawn too when you die might be your rebirth.
You can totally eat lava but only once.
The first person to put the chemicals in icy hot on their skin but have been super freaked out when their skin started burning, not knowing what would happen next.
Say to anyone you hate dogs and they will think you are a deranged crazy person. Say you hate cats and everyone nods in agreement.
We are less than 5 years away from 90's kids becoming grandparents.
People become offended by the beliefs of others when they feel that the other's belief assumes that they are not only wrong, but dumb. Otherwise, two or more people can discuss anything without issue.
If you stay in the exact same location when you travel through time, then if you did you would end up out in space very far away from earth. (Because the earth is never in the same spot at 2 different times)
Ever thought that people who die at a younger age experience more in their lives compared to others of similar age.
It really sucks you can’t actually sell your soul to the devil for crazy wishes.
If you take the term "motorcycle" literally then technically a car is a motorcycle.
There aren't many kids with balloons nowadays.
If the people from this generation become teachers, they will probably allow Wikipedia as a source because most of the stigma about it being unreliable will be gone
There's no such thing as the biggest number in the world!
If you die while asleep, you will never know that you are dead.
The middle of the night depends on when you go to sleep/wake up
Touchscreens make it possible for all human computer activity to be done by our noses
Arms and legs bend in opposite directions
Hamburgers don't even have ham in them.
You can never find the perfect hiding spot
Its fucking annoying when you see a hair on your bar of soap
If you're living, please get back to your scheduled programming
Anxiety is like when video game combat music is playing but you can't find any enemies.
A great lawn is the homeowner's equivalent to six-pack abs. They all want them but few are willing to put in the consistent time and effort required
The first human being never existed.
Based on butterfly effect, you probably contributed to killing some random guy on the other side of the planet without knowing.
Chef has been gone from South Park longer than he was in it.
Intercourse is between her lips, anal is between her cheeks, oral is preferred so much because it is both.
“Sand” is where the sea and land meet. Sea + land = sand. You’re welcome. 🤯
Houses are just room collections
Males who use condoms to prevent pregnancy are fighters agains their animal instict to create a baby
There are two types of people in this world, those that pee in the pool and those that are lying.
You have to be odd to be number one
North Korea is basically the same as Wakanda if you think hard enough about it.
People who don't admit they are stubborn are in turn stubborn
There needs to be a device that cools things the way a microwave heats things.
10 out of 10 people will die
Masterbating while watching porn is biggest insult of your imagination power.
Patrick Star is so clueless about things because he literally lives under a rock.
Every Breath You Take is staving off death for 10 more minutes
The Eyes are the only body part that most people find beautiful, but would never put in their mouth.
Dealing with fingernails and toenails before fingernail clippers were invented would be a pain.
There is no physical evidence to say that today is Wednesday, we all just have to trust that someone has kept count since the first one ever.
Pac-Man is just an average guy popping pills to try and avoid his inner demons.
Albino animals are the real life equivalents of shiny pokémon, they are super rare and pretty to look at.
If you do not scroll new and comment frequently, you may as well not comment at all.
“If it ain’t broke, don’t break it” makes way more sense than “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”
The reason people hate The Phantom Menace is because it is the only film where Liam Nisson dies
Sneezing is a socially acceptable bodily function that spreads way more germs than a burp or fart, yet those are considered unacceptable things to do while being social.
An average middle class citizen today probably has more luxuries than the kings from centuries past
The website Pornhub has a black background because since it's used mostly at night, it won't hurt the eyes of users.
Have you ever realized that time was invented by humans
If you're 25 you only have about 50-60 summers left
The best way to tell if a candy is high quality or not is to see if there’s a lemon flavor
A Virus is considered a nonliving thing because it cannot reproduce. Using this logic you can claim that people who are infertile are not alive.
Thinking of going to the gym and putting in the effort really sucks, but you feel so much better about yourself afterwards. Which is the exact opposite of masturbating
You could have unknowingly saved someone from a freak accident and will never know.
You have right and left gloves, but not right and left socks.
Having grown up with rich people, they are the most neurotic, judgmental people out there.
Soft-shell tacos are just lazy burritos
A Red House is red, an Orange House is orange, a Yellow House is yellow, but a Green House is translucent.
Do twinse ever realize that one of them was unplanned
The only thing worse than a spider is a demon spider
Bisexual men are just straight men with a penis fetish
There are about twice as many nipples on Earth as there are people
In a complete vacuum, nothing matters.
“Bottle of Water” and “Water Bottle” have 2 different meanings,
Having sex with and being loved by an attractive woman must be the most satisfying feeling in the world.
If it wasn’t for birds, we probably would have never known its possible to fly.
Technically all crips are actually bloods since we live in the western part of the world.
There's nothing more infuriating than when you stutter in the middle of a good joke, and thus completely ruining it in the process
Pineapples are prickly, round, and are found in tropical areas. Therefore they are a species of porcupine.
No one ever says "fatherfucker".
If someone's trash is someone else's treasure then all single people that have been in a relationship are trash.
If EA suffers big enough losses from the backlash of Battlefront 2, and it all started because some guy couldn't unlock Vader, this will be the second time Anakin brought balance to something.
When you do push-ups, you’re basically just benching your own weight.
When you're young an erection is magical. When you're old an erection is magical.
There’s no synonym for synonym.
It kinda makes sense that the target audience for fidget spinners lost interest in them so quickly
There is a non-zero chance that you could be shot in the brain and live. Not face, brain.
Human beings are the most complex beings in the universe
If plant varieties can go extinct like animals, there could be different fruits or vegetables that we have never tasted
You only believe something because someone told you to believe it. They only believe it because someone told them to believe it. Unless you are witness, there is no reason to believe anything.
It’s slightly disturbing that a horse runs on its fingernails
You could probably tell how much someone runs by how worn out their shoes are.
The farther north you go in Florida the more "south" you go
Elastigirl could just be using her powers to give herself an hourglass figure
The real reason horror movies are scary is because of the background music.
News comes from all over the place, north east west and south, N E W S, just think about that for a second
'Solo: A Star Wars Story' is only a decent movie due to the disappointment Episode 8 was.
The human body is essentially just water and metals, yet we don't rust over time
When you get married, you start having sex with a family member.
1 problem rich people have Is trying to remember all there kitchen layouts
It would have been really awkward if Thanos snapped himself.
You will never be able to see more than 3 sides of a cube at a time.
the first person who heard a parrot talk was probably not alright for several days
You have a better chance of winning the Powerball lottery than finding 3 shiny Pokémon in a row (1/8192 odds)
It must be really difficult for those whos second language is English to differentiate between "in a mood" and "in the mood"
Steve Jobs died of PC (pancreatic cancer)