It takes longer to say N S F W than it takes to say Not Safe For Work.
“It’s all downhill from here” is commonly used to to describe a situation that is getting progressively worse. Yet almost everyone prefers going downhill to going uphill.
If we're born, are we gay? We come out of our father when we're born
The cost of a bra alone is enough reason to free the nipple
If you're using a rigged coin in a coin flip but you don't know which of the sides is favored. You still have a 50/50 to win or lose the coin flip game
Clothes are basically the only thing that hug you from head to toe.
To a left handed, the world is built backwards.
Minty is just cold spicy.
Adam Sandler’s humor didn’t change, the world’s did.
Each year you pass your birthday, but you also pass the anniversary of your death.
World War II was closer to the middle of the 20th century than we are to the turn of the millennia.
[Request/Discussion] Skin-on french fries
In the future, if you want to distinguish if you are a close friend to someone or not, if not, you'll only be contacted digitally and and not in real life.
Somewhere in the past, there lived really delicious animals that went extinct that we don't even know exist.
You think you aren't cared about, but there are trillions of cells and micro-organisms that care only about you!
If you are about to get raped, become dominant and rape them. No issues and problem solved. 🔜🌊
School prepares us for college. College prepares us for a job. A job prepares us for our retirement and retirement prepares for death.
You sit too long and you get tired of sitting. You stand too long and you get tired of standing
Somewhere there is someone who is the farthest away from all other people
‘POGGERS’ and ‘omegaLUL’ is turning into the new ‘XD’
Literally any action is easier said than done
FACT it's still gay if you say no homo
A "buy one, get one free" deal is the equivalent of buying that item twice at a 50% discount.
When you run your tongue over your teeth, you are licking your own skeleton.
Babies and dogs are basically the same thing, but "putting the baby down" is much more positive than "putting the dog down"
There is a 100% chance that you've drank dinosaur piss.
Uncrustable PB&Js are technically a type of ravioli
You’re more closely related to your siblings than you are to your parents, or will ever be to your own child
Adults driving thru puddles is the grown up version of kids jumping in them!
Bury, berry, and Barry are all pronounced the same
A panda raping other pandas would be treated as a hero panda instead of a criminal panda.
The fact that everyone is different, makes everyone normal
Going to the denist is elective torture
It’s completely socially acceptable, to go slightly out of your way to check out a stranger’s dog’s junk to know whether it’s a “good boy” or “good girl”.
Being 35 and not wanting to work in the field for which you've prepared is like being half way through an RPG and realizing you've built out your skill tree all wrong and you can't respec and you can't make a new character and there will never be another video game again
The quality of a society can be measured by the thickness of their walls.
When you have a crumb and split it in half, you don't have two halves of a crumb, you have two crumbs.
Saying "world wide web" is three times faster (1/3 as many syllables) as saying "doubleyou doubleyou doubleyou"
If a movie is 90 minutes long, watching a 5 minute trailer will spoil around 6% of the entire film.
If other alien civilizations are smart as humans lived close on other planets, there wouldn’t be so much division on Earth as we would all unite together to fight off aliens threatening to invade the Earth instead.
You know you're still asleep when you pour milk into your glass and orange juice into your weetabix.
Smoking a joint can send you to prison but chugging Red Bulls to stay awake at the wheel is fine.
Mosquitoes are the most beneficial animal to the environment
Saying someone is vertically challenged is saying they are small. Saying they are horizontally challenged is saying they are large
There really is no way to describe what a mirror looks like.
The number of people born on your birthday decreases every day.
Hating hate is loving love
When you're a kid you want the days to be longer, but when you grow up you wish the nights were longer
50% of twins were unplanned.
A large labia is basically a foreskin for your vagina
In 30-40 years, OldSchoolCool will be filled with photos of us, uploaded by our kids and grandkids
Anyone that has ever been born has died. Birth is killing us. 0:
Cuteness comes from a paternal need to protect a baby, so basically, if babies were cube shaped, we'd find cubes adorable
Every beat of the heart, every expansion of our lungs, every bit of food being digested, is done in complete darkness
If you put an AI in a 3D printer, the first thing it would do is print another 3D printer.
Most people in the 25-35 age range have had more sexual partners than their parents, and also more divorces.
Having sex with an alternate universe version of you who's of the opposite sex will either be really bad or really good
The song Stacey's Mom is the most vocal someone's been about their fetish.
Diet Coke and celery contain the same amount of calorie. They both don't taste good.
How can we recognize when something is strawberry scented if strawberries have no smell...
People probley wouldn't buy Subway if they couldn't see the people making the sandwich
You can't spell hear without ear.
is it gay to be alive? because you're inside someone whose the same gender as you.
If you shake it more than twice, your playing with it.
It must have been pretty terrifying to be the first person to fly through a cloud
History textbooks will always keep getting bigger.
Social media is ironically making us anti social
Caps lock is always on somehow despite the fact people rarely use it.
LOL is just the tech version of ummm
Sadness is the first ever emotion a human feels
The world would be such a different place if everyone knew the date they would die
Prison inmates would be a good fit for FPS beta testers
you’re only scared of the dark when you aren’t the one hiding in it
Cutting off pieces of newborn babies in the 21st century seems barbaric
Edibles kick in after they hear you talkin shit about them
People often say things are "easier said than done" when in reality, almost everything is easier to say than to do.
Deaf people can’t talk and give a handjob at the same time.
Gambling is the only disease where you can win money.
Many fish have explored the other 95% of our unexplored ocean
Hummingbirds must think humans are going in slow motion while whales think we're super fast creatures
August is the Thursday of the year.
Batman would be a lot weirder if he was a bat that dressed up like a man and fought bat-crime
Some innocent are in prison and guilty walk free because a few on the jury were just tired and wanted to go home
Actors in most minor roles are just as good at acting as those in major roles, we just don’t notice because of their limited screen-time and lesser known celebrity status.
In a very ironic turn of events, the incident that put Hiroshima & Nagasaki on the map, also kinda took them off it.
If you shave your eyebrows they grow back in a month but you dont need to trim your eyebrows each month
Videos that are titled “Top 10 facts you never knew about _____” almost always consist of facts you did know about.
"Salty" is becoming the new version of "hater"
We are pretty fortunate that bird shit doesn’t look like human shit.
You could punch a small bug/insect with all your might and watch it bounce off without a care in the world, unharmed.
Watermelons are just summer pumpkins.
Gifs are the muggle version of magical moving photos.
Tainting food at buffets would be a really effective way to poison lots of people at one time.
hummingbirds are nature's helicopters.
Bikers are to drivers what seagulls are to sailors
We are that generation who are lucky to see - where every machine rising movies is coming real. Thinking about Alexa incident 🤨
There is a least washed spot on your body. If you try to wash it, it just moves.
You know how it feels good to have your neck clicked? Do you think it briefly feels good when you get your neck broken? Y’know, before the death stuff? (like in the movies!)
There isn't a single person on Earth that is universally loved or hated by everyone.
We try to drink beer before it's warm, and eat food before it's cold
If STDs weren’t a thing. Nobody would get anything done.
In “The Little Mermaid” Ariel could have just found a piece of paper and pen and write to Eric that they needed to kiss in three days by sunset and what had happened to her.
A guy calling a guy cute is bullying
The average amount of testicles per person is 1
According to stereotypes the worst type of driver would be an elderly asian female.
When you look up an actor and can't recognize them from other works you've seen, that's a good actor.
Picture day at school makes no sense anymore for parents to pay for -- kids take far better pictures of themselves for their Instagram.
War 100 years ago seems innocent
Taking a shit is a national pastime
We all have a scent to the inside of our nose, but our brain blocks it out.
In full metal alchemists to make a philosophers stone instead of using human life you could have just used human sperm, or nutted on the transmutation circle.
The average speed per human lifetime has dramatically increased, especially in the last century
Cars are relatively quiet considering there are lots of explosions going on inside the engine
Between Apple and Samsung they have most of our fingerprints
If your mom died and she had a twin, seeing her twin would make you feel both devastated and happy at the same time.
People will lose complete trust in the Internet if one day archive.org becomes unreachable.
Tomorrow’s not guaranteed. Do as much as you can with today and live your best life.
Maple Syrup is Tree milk
A majority of us are focused on side missions in life rather than completing the main objective, could be because we are actually in a simulation
Getting capsacin on your nether regions is probably what certain STDs feel like
A BBQ is really a burger party
It’s really fucking scary when you look in your rear view mirror and see a cop with his lights on come rushing behind only to pass you
It's pretty gross that we still keep buying fast food burgers despite occasionally finding those little hard bits of cartilage in the patties
It must have been really nerve-wracking to be one of the first to test the condom.
The glass can be half full of emptiness
When a toilet seat is cold it's horrible. And when it's warm it's even worse.
This shampoo smells amazing
Dinosaurs that are millions of years extinct are a significant cause of the current holocene extinction because of the way we use oil and make plastics. Dinosaurs are causing an extinction.
If people in the 1880s saw a cup of Coca-Cola with its opaque, brown color and bubbles, they would mistake it for coffee.
A tie is just a giant arrow pointing to your dick
It's ironic how people with not a lot of life left to enjoy are more afraid of death than reckless youngsters who stand to lose out on substantially more life.
You could live the entire rest of your life without breathing..
In the future a power outage will be a much bigger deal than it is nowadays.
Disclaimer: More of a stoner thought.
It would be weird if nipples went inside our bodies when it got really hot.
Two small dogs can take up as much or more room on you bed as one big dog could
If you're moving at the speed of light, things in the direction your facing appear to be moving twice as fast and things behind you don't appear to move.
The idea of being dead only exists for people who are alive. No one has ever experienced being unconcious so therefore it doesn’t really exist. When you go to sleep it’s more like frame/time skipping.
Thumbs technically are digits, not fingers, so you have four fingers on each hand... You have no middle finger
Some people argue that MMA is better than boxing but in order to be a well rounded mixed martial artist, you need to be proficient in boxing.
Drones are basically high tech kites
Humans are the equivalent of High Elves compared to the rest of the great apes.
For every documentary with a guy that climbs Mount Everest, there is a guy that climbs Mount Everest carrying a camera
Smart people think about how to make dumb people seem smart while dumb people think about how to make smart people seem dumb
Pokémon are basically animal X-Men.
One Legged people wear pant
A Vacuum is a reverse hose.
Being skinny or wealthy may not make you happy, but bing fat or poor sure will make you fucking unhappy.
If you’re sweating inside your raincoat then you’re defeating it’s purpose.
Antarctica is the largest desert in the world.
VR will eventually look like real life or better and you’ll be able to invite your friends from other countries to your mansion and they’ll be no reason to take off the VR aside from the need to eat.
The ATM is the only machine that you can count on giving you money at a casino
Your birthday is the one day of the year you shouldn't have to set an alarm
At their core Leslie Knope and SpongeBob are basically the same person.
Many people toss and turn all night, even on expensive mattresses and sleeping pills. Meanwhile, Snoopy sleeps just fine on the peak of the triangular roof of his dog house.
How crazy is it that we used to get excited to rip our teeth out as kids
“B” is just a boneless “P”, and “D” is just a boneless “T”
Quantum physics could relate to the universe and we just aren’t able to observe at that scale yet.
Therapists are paid to be your friend.
A dj is just someone with a good taste in music
If you live to be 90, at 18 years you have lived 20% of your life, at 30 you have lived 33.3%, at 45 you’ve lived 50%.
Those people who are so socially awkward that they do not realize it must have a wonderful life. Ignorance is bliss.
The drivers in GTA V are so realistic in that, they behave just like most drivers do IRL when they have an emergency vehicle behind them. It would be a great driving simulator for emergency vehicle drivers.
Cocks (Roosters), don’t have cocks (Penises)
If a cell provider decided to start selling unlimited data plans at a set, reasonable price they would immediately steam roll over all their competition.
Sometimes the only difference between dedication and addiction is whether whatever one is doing is socially acceptable or not.
Cockroach man would make a great superhero
The 2 "C"s in "THICC" also represents a large ass cheek
everyone knows who Tom Kenny but not too many people know who Wayne Allwine is.
It would be real fun if the babies crying in horror movies would say Mummy while crying. LOL
Memorial day is for those who don't personally know anyone who's lost their life in combat. Everyday is memorial day for those who do.
If someone ate beets everyday, they could have cancer or something in their bowels and not even realize.
The "cc" in thicc represent large asscheeks.
People that own black vehicles with white doors are just dicks.
It's funny how they say this generation is too sensitive yet we're also too cold hearted and desensitized to everything.
Millions of us enjoy watching grown men kick and fight over a ball because they represent a country.
A large cup of hot tea costs more than a small cup of hot tea, but the same sized tea bag is used.
It must be difficult to look at porn for the parent of a popular pornstar.
It would be weird if horror movies had a scream track similar to how sitcoms have laugh tracks
When you “look into someone’s eyes” you are really just looking into one of their eyes.
Sitting here 25 years later and just realized the Count on Sesame Street is actually counting.
The opposite of „firefly“ would be „waterfall“
People who aren't allergic to foods greatly underappreciate their ability to eat absolutely anything without dying.
Drive-up ATM's have Braille on them.
Accidently cutting the roof of your mouth with salt&vinegar chips is the pain equilivant of stepping on a piece of Lego barefoot.
You pass your death anniversary every year without knowing the date.
Everyone is afraid of job automation but forget about all the great things that could come from it. Imagine a world where we are guaranteed a certain amount of money a month to cover living, and use our time on things in life that we truly enjoy and find fulfilling
You are following a line of your ancestors from the dawn of time having children their own gender and broke one having only children of the other gender.
Make-up is the only product used to make one look older and another younger.
Driving in a cop car would nice because everyone around you would be driving safe, but it would also suck since everyone would driving slow.
Human Procreation is An Abomination.
Sneezing is like an orgasm for your face.
A sign of growing up is being sad when you see people throwing away their pizza crusts.
Statistically, some actresses kept silent on sexual abuse not because they were afraid to lose their job but to use their sexuality to get ahead.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Almost all dogs are twins.
People would probably pay extra for to skip the 40 minutes of commercials and trailers at movie theaters.
You can't actually make anything. All you can do is transform something that is already there.
Coupons are just IOUs on a corporate level.
An umbrella which collects the rain in a bottle for you to drink
Throughout history, people have made alcohol from all the staple carbs. Except beans
Humans are the apex predator, yet we run away if we come face to face with other predators
Comic Con is the best way to see what your favorite characters would look like if they let themselves get out of shape.
The line between seductive and creepy is both thin and mysterious
When you take a Shit....
It’s 2018 and cars still can’t tell us what the next song coming up next.
It's impossible to talk about Pokémons to foreigners, even those ultra-fluent in English.
This post is trending.
All maps are distorted in some way, so it’s possible we don’t have any clue what earth actually looks like.
Before the invention of SMS, Deaf people would have really struggled to contact emergency services on their own.
Serial killers probably went unnoticed most of the time prior to the 20th century.
When driving, anyone who's going slower than you is a dumbass, while anyone driving faster than you is an asshole.
You need to pretend that you’re sleeping to actually fall asleep
There was a day your parents put you down and never picked you up in their arms again.
If Bohemian Rhapsody were made today, it would have a rap section
It’d be super awkward if you’re pet stole your phone and saw hundreds of pictures of it sleeping.
With all the sudden hoopla over plastic straws, why don’t we just use red licorice (the hollow kind) for straws...
Real stops signs have 10 sides.
Plankton built his wife, who is basically a sentient AI. Plankton could literally become richer than Mr. Krabs by selling copies of her OS instead of trying to steal the secret formula.
When someone receives a kidney donation from a person older than themselves they end up having a kidney older than they are.
Gamers need to understand cheat codes exist still,it's the 16 digits of your credit card however
Someone shampoos their eyebrows.
Elbows are just arm knees.
People that wear clothes with logos on them, are walking advertisements
Opening a sarchophagus is like opening a loot box, sometimes you get gold and other times you get decomposing human remains.
Star wars: the only franchise where fans get pissed off when they hear a new movie is coming out
Humans aren't the dominant species of this planet because of intelligence, but because we build things wherever we go. Really, imagine if ants could build more and bigger mounds. Entire continents on the map would just be labeled "Ant territory." Not much else could live there.
Spiders would be so much worse if they were sharks
It is impossible to make perfect robots because we are imperfect
Every time you breath your death timer gets extended for about another 5 minutes
Since FBI keeps track of all of us, we basically have our own private FBI Agents.
Taking a crap is actually giving a crap.
It is hard to eat durian without people knowing.
Chickens are dinosaurs that are breeded to taste good.
Ant man could have been in every marvel movie and we would have never even known.
How can we recognize strawberry scented items if strawberries don’t have a scent
MREs are just grown up Lunchables.
People who know sign language must be the worst people to play charades against.
There’s nothing more terrifying and liberating in the universe than knowing it will all just evaporate anyway
You could stack infinite pieces of lasagna on top of each other, and the result would be one single piece.
Unless they were delivered by C-Section, there's no such thing as a male virgin.
Someone could wake up from a three year coma, look at who's playing in the NBA Finals, and think he just took a nice nap.
If you switched souls with a body in the other side of the world everyone would just think you had a personality change from mental illness or think you hit your head
The best therapist is your ex’s therapist....
The most trustworthy person to you is yourself
Opposite Day can’t exist.
Even a broken clock is right two times a day.
Take a lesson from your body. Holding shit in feels bad and uncomfortable. Better to not do that. And letting shit go feels good and freeing.
If a vacuum is not being used, it's collecting dust. If it is being used it's also collecting dust.
When doing the 'sideways high-five, fist bump, peace sign' greeting, you are pretty much playing Rock Paper Scissors and drawing three times in a row.