The best thing the purge would do is create jobs
TBH and NGL essentially means the same thing.
Marvel should have never merged Universes
People like to go on tours of chocolate factories. But they don’t want to know how the sausage is made.
We all sound differently than we think we sound when talking and singing, right? what if the reason we sound good singing in the shower and not somewhere else is because the shower is echoing back our real voice and in a different room in our house we just get the voice we think we sound like?
Parents expect kids to be thankful for things they are legally obligated to do
Cassettes have a side A and side B, so it makes sense that its successor is called a CD
Imagine living in the time of history before DNA tests.....
"A subreddit is not it's URL; it is it's posters." - Thor Odison
Are we human, or are we denser?
Marvel should have never merged universes.
Mike Meyers’ Character in Inglorious Basterds was, Oddly Enough, His Creepiest Character To-Date & Had Me (quite incorrectly) Expecting an Awkwardly Comedic Scene That Never Happened
After getting a good amount of downvotes in a Reddit thread, you become a wanted criminal in that thread. Everyone targets you, and most importantly downvotes any comments you make afterwards. Your reputation in that thread is ruined.
Shampoo "for dry hear" doesn't really state for whom it is designed for.
Shower thoughts are maybe irrational because the heat and water and vibration robs your brain of oxygen while you shower.
The Book of Mormon is just Bible fanfiction.
Reading the goings on in /r/legaladvice makes me happy to have a boring (ish) life
Damn, I am out of shampoo
When a tragedy happens, people on social media just typing out "in my prayers" or "sending prayers" is the closest to actually praying an actual prayer that they are gonna get.
What if we are the cancer to earth?
People who bake are called "bakers", but people who cook are just cooks.
It’s weird that we downvote specific comments in r/CatsStandingUp. They all say the same thing.
If I could suck my own dick I would stay inside forever
To see how dead Facebook is amongst the younger people go to a highschools "place" on Facebook and find a post by anyone young who goes to the school
The name "talking machines" (for phonographs) seems strange to us now, but the near-identical name "speakers" (for speakers) seems normal
Who insures insurance company’s?
How are we already on Hyper-converged technology? What happened to super-converged and mega-converged?
Saying have a blessed day is a slick way of imposing your religion onto that person.
Why are fat animals seen as cute but fat humans are seen as ugly?
I spend the first half hour of an hour long massage relaxed and happy and the second half hour anxious and worried that the massage is about to end.
Love Is Blind A Lie That no one Hears..... Its Cursed Promise...Lies On Vulnerable Ears.....
If Jeff Bezos divorce, his wife might get $45 billion in alimony. Instead, he can just use $1 billion to lobby Congress to make alimony illegal.
Insurance is just a Legalized Ponzi Scheme
Redditors who make the "this isn't facebook" comment are the equivalent of people not wanting to into a bad neighborhood.
Everything that is known... is known.
when the do do goes poo poo in Hank E Pancake Western Hotel downtown San Fran Jewish underwear going women do do all over the streets while hank wank ding dingy dong go boo boo 1987 New York Yankees!
Why is a building called a building, if it has already been built?
Eugenics is bad and so passé, but a lot of people sure do enjoy watching purebred pet shows.
Is Olivia Munn a less hot Aubrey Plaza, or is Aubrey Plaza a less hot Olivia Munn?
Soon we can go to space for vacation, but we still can’t stop turning diseases into memes
The fact that my kid shouts, "No more monkeys jumping on the bed!" while jumping on the bed proves that he missed the message of that story.
Used paint should be in the shape of a house
If you placed a needle on top of Trump's head and span him round in a chair, the Russian Federation National Anthem would play
What is chocolate is poison and we're the only ones immune?
Does anything actually ride the backs of pigs?
If someone invented time travel, we would measure the rate of time travel in seconds per second.
There should be a community of people who regularly update “We Didn’t Start the Fire” to include recent cultural events
What If food providers had to swap the location and size of the mouth-watering image on the front of packages with the ingredients list........ Fruit and Veggies would look pretty Damn GOOD
There could be a bug crawling around on you right now without your knowledge
I'm very happy there isn't a word " scornpions "
Couples have pet names for each other to avoid the possibility of accidentally calling them by an ex's name.
liberals in America hate white people and enjoy watching white genocide in south Africa
Axl Rose might have been the only person incapable of having a nightmare of being on stage in his underwear in front of thousands of people.
Electric cars are just coal powered cars
How much energy could be saved if we didn't send so much spam mail?
Shower Thought
Racism and eugenics is bad but a lot of people sure do enjoy watching purebred pet shows.
There are no adult ponies in My Little Pony. What horrific event killed the all of the adults?
There are so many words in the English that you may never see/speak all of them before you die.
If you put one whole lasagna on top of another whole lasagna, it will still only be one lasagna.
There should be a toxic friend immersion program where a group of non-toxic people adopt a toxic person into their group and teach them how to function by being nice and ignoring drama.
Thousands of kids think blue raspberries is a fruit.
I spend more time correcting autocorrect then I would correcting the word that actually needed correcting
Despacito Remix ft. Justin Bieber is technically Despacito 2
If you think about it, both world wars happened because of people with interesting facial hair.
Somersault is an awesome word with an equally awesome meaning
Putting silverware in the dishwasher is the only time in real life that sounds like movie quality sound effects. Such a satisfying set of noises.
Every word, at one point, was a made up word.
I love my conditioner.
Masturbating in the shower is like eating food over a sink
Where do squirrels poop?
If 1080p video is now the standard for a TV, shouldn't an SDTV mean one that outputs 1080p?
Back to back emojis are a good sign that your text message conversation is over.
What if some of the reason why theres culturally differences in humor is because some jokes sound better in a different accent.
Telling viewers of your YouTube video, "remember to like, comment, and subscribe!" is like telling someone you're on a date with, "Don't forget to have sex with me later tonight!"
If I did advice-animals (or whatever theyre called): Today I'm the howling pupper who hasnt taken any drugs, not even excedrin, for the first time in a long time. thought I'd celebrate by telling someone.
What if the cure for cancer is in the mind of someone who can't afford an education.
I always fear that when creating a new password I will miss type it twice in the same way.
The top voted posts on r/unpopularopinion are ironically the least unpopular.
If "conversion therapy" actually worked, then wouldn't it be possible to turn straight people gay using reverse conversion techniques? Or couldn't we convert, say, a gay man to bi, or to asexual orientations?
When people go “They say that...” - who the hell is they and how do they know so much?
If a person were to take a selfie with the same iPhone for 40 years, at one point would it start registering them as a different person?
DJ Khaled hits the Uncanny Valley as a person, not just due to his face.
Is the only reason that dogs are man’s best friend because most man is allergic to cats?
Well... I should stop procrastinating and get in the shower; this body's not going to wash itself. Wait, yes! Yes it will!
No. 1 pencils must of really blew it.
Front row seats to a concert is amazing, but front row seats to a movie is the worst thing ever.
"I can explain" is used very often prior to explaining a negative occurrence.
If I kill myself do I die...
When referring to a basketball shot, the words “clean” and “dirty” are both positive.
THE ULTIMATE SHOWER THOUGHTS
Is “lefty-loosey, righty-tighty” universal?
My start weight might be some one else's goal weight.
I would be pay to see most Youtubers beat the shit out of each other in a boxing match.
"You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours" could also be a warning.
Tornadoes would look amazing if we threw ALOT of powdered colours into it
I’ve never had a creative thought while in the shower
What if we all have the ability to time travel but your thoughts get erased upon entry to “current time”
Tug of War should be called War of Tug
The amount of vibrating beds I saw in movies growing up made me believe I would come across one someday.
All videos are time-lapse videos.
We take it completely on faith that there are about seven billion people on earth. Most of us have not observed anything to actually back up that fact.
There's a special place in Hell for all of these John McCain karma whores
In Piping: Defects in the coating are called "holidays" because they are breaks in the pipe "schedule."
You've heard the words "splish splash I was taking a bath", but when else have you heard the word "splish"
When saying the word ‘crisp,’ the letters move from the back your throat and end at your lips.
If you could time travel, you can go to the future and be a moron because you have no idea how things work, or you could travel to the past and still be a moron because you have all these ideas, but no idea how those work.
If instead of Hip-Hop, Celtic music dominated the world music scene, instead of white kids talking "black", we would see black people talking with a Scottish accent.
Dog kisses are really just 2nd-hand butthole.
Telling a tall guy that he should play basketball is like telling a girl with big boobs that she should do porn
r/Kansas could be a great name for a subreddit about the state Arkansas.
From a genealogical perspective, the average Mexican is way more “American” than your average, American citizen.
A helicopter ride that is advertised as the cheapest one around doesn’t make me want to go on it
What happened to No. 1 pencils? They must of really blew it.
A gay couple cab be called Super Smash Bros
You have a lot less creative thoughts in the shower than others seem to imply
Why are there so many shows that have a terrible 8th season?
1 male 1 female left isn't the species doom anyways???
1999 called and they want their spyware back.
What is the real color of plastic?
My handwriting is significantly better with a pencil than with a pen.
If you put one lasagna on top of another lasagna you still have only one lasagna.
If a snake bites another snake, will it die?
Nothing grows more conservative than a a young liberals heart ...
I bet dogs like sticks so much because early humans needed firewood.
.jif filetypes exist, why would people pronounce .gif like jif?
Dogs. Are the. Best. ~Hoomans~ Humans. Should give. More treats.
We’ve gone from “I won” to “I took the W” and then down to “I took the dub”. If we keep going in this direction we will end up saying “dude I just took a huge “D”
Due to Snapchat, Instagram, and Facebook, in 2018, sadly, the near perfromance of effort is enough.
The most underrated aspect of living alone, is the ability of taking a poop in peace!
The end of European fascism is only 40 years old now.
If you sat on a VooDoo doll of yourself, would you ever be able to get up?
The fact that guys can tuck their boner under their belt against their belly is underrated
Right now, there are probably more people in the world having sex than doing what you’re doing
The monsters from The Quiet Place are attracted to sound. That means all of the babies would have been killed and reduce population.
How much would a penny be worth of it was 50% off???
r/PublicFreakout is basically a list of reasons to be glad you're not from the US
The towels at the gym are probably much dirtier than the equipment they are used to wipe down
Because this subreddit has an AutoModerator, it should be called the Thought Police.
It's not until you are making that call in pizza order until you realize your level of drunken state
Memes have raised some people better than their actual parents
People who complain about reposts are reposting a form of a popular comment.
Thousands of kids think blue raspberry is a real fruit
Karma Police is a great Radiohead song but even better as a description of half of the users on Reddit.
If Pinnochio said "My nose will grow now" he would implode.
Our “Age of Information” should be aptly renamed to the “Age of Disinformation”.
Ashtrays should be called Asstrays... because its where you put your butts.
Everything can become poop. As humans we can turn anything we desire into poop.
Expressing being too hot does not have a suitable "brr" counterpart like being too cold
My Mind
Reddit is gay
Failing a driving test at the DMV wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have to wait 3 months for another appointment.
Is shorts short for short pants?
Nowadays people say “dub” which is short for “W” which is short for “win”. If things keep going in this direction, people will start saying “I just took a big D bro” when they win something.
Doughnut holes have no holes.
The only reason I think I look better without my glasses on, is because I can’t see myself as well with my glasses off.
Do Crocodiles drop their jaw or raise their head to open their mouth?
If I order two appetizers instead of an entrée, should I be more full or more hungry?
What's the point of getting somewhere in life if you never see anything along the way?
The word “weird” can be an insult and a compliment
Karma Police is a great Radiohead song but an even better description of half of the users on here.
We should stop referring to people/groups by derogatory terms and refer to them correctly
Karma police is a great Radiohead song but an even better descriptor for half the users on this site.
Imagine you're friends with someone who is going to be a famous writer or screenwriter. So you might have been spoiled some of the greatest stories or movies that haven't come out yet
We still call it ironing when in reality it's more like steeling/alumining
The word "Assassin" has the word "Ass" in it twice
I know that other people may have thought this but how did the person that made words, explain those words to other people that didn't even know how to say words not common items like "tree" but other thing like "this" and " that"
In certain countries and US states there are laws that make certain plants illegal
It'd be interesting for movie to start off as a romantic comedy, only to end as a complete thriller.
Reddit is the only reason that I know the difference between venomous and poisonous
People who have sex but don’t get married never get to experience what it’s like to bang someone with the same last name... unless y’know.
If she showers, she a thot
If I tell someone he is too ignorant of other people's way of thinking am I ignorant of his way of thinking?
Why doesn’t Playtex make Condoms?
What if time travel has been done but time and space travel hasn’t? Meaning traveling back in time would leave you in a void where the earth will be?
At least one of the people who’s reading this is pooping.
Having twins is like buying 2 for the price of 1.
If you randomly order the letters "f" "w" and "t", there's a better than 50% chance it will lead to a common internet expression.
The real grammar nazi is the person that proofread hitler’s speeches
If Pinnochio declared out loud that his nose will grow right now, he would implode.
Why is this shower cold?
"Maria" from "The Sound of Music" (Julie Andrews) may be the most perfectly (but undeclared) ADHD character I've ever seen on the big screen.
Glory holes should have been called wall-nuts
Running products over with vehicles on TV. All they’re saying is, “look. I don’t know what your life is like, but if you need to run this Tupperware over with your car, it’s definitely doable.”
No matter how gifted you are as a wizard, all you spells would go wrong if you had a lisp.
If the Max Headroom incident is just one of the examples of home-recording TV oddities I can't imagine what is out there undiscovered.
If a nine year old used anti aging cream that makes you look 10 years younger would they disappear?
You never want to get in the shower before you do. By when you’re in, you never want to get out.
Buidings dont make Earth any heavier because all of the materials were already on Earth previously
Ari Gold & Josh Lyman are based on a pair of real brothers (Ari & Rahm Emanuel), which makes them fictional brothers in a sense; the more important question is who's the better closer?
Language is dope. Like I can write/say these words that mean stuff and people understand.
Reddit hates circumcisions but is pro-choice. What would Reddit's stance be on in-womb circumcisions?
Maybe instead of "Blaming it on the Rain", we should take responsibility for our actions!
Until you read this I didn't exist In your universe.
There could be thousands of people out there achieving happiness by quitting the internet, and we'll never find out about it because they don't participate in comment threads.
I don’t recall ever reading a news story about a cat or dog being struck by lightning
Twitter is famous people facebook
Irrational people (usually men) hate anything rational people (usually women) achieve because they think in binary 0 / 1. It's that simple. I'm so fucking sorry but it's that simple. Irrational men, "game theoried" and killed all rational men. QED.
Chris D’Elia is the Twitter version of r/roastme
It’s a little ironic how the Primaries are not truly the primary election — the Presidential one is.
Someone needs to invent a “Mars walk” before we land on Mars, cause God forbid the first dance in Mars is the Moon Walk.
Is lololol short for laughing out loud out loud out loud, laughing out laughing out laughing out loud or laughing out loud out laughing out loud?
This generation's 'keep it on the DL' is NO NAMES PLEASE!
What's up with car salesmen who aren't busy and stare at you while you're on the lot, but don't come to help you?
When someone’s paper tag is overly expired on their new car, it is basically telling everyone I can’t afford this new car I am driving.
It’s 2018 but my head is stuck in 2011
Axl Rose might have been the only person incapable of having a nightmare of being on stage in front of thousands...whilst wearing only his underwear.
Dogs would be in total awe that human lifespan is of multiple dog centuries, like how humans are in awe of bowhead whales lifespan of multiple human centuries.
Jesus and God are technically mods therefore Gay.
To germs, the outside of your body looks like a holocaust against skin cells.
Imagine if all skin was like the skin on your nutsack. Wrinkly and tight when cold but got loose and saggy when it's hot
We would have a much rougher time wiping if our poop was transparent.
I'm so annoyed with the "virtue signaling" culture, but I'm afraid to complain about it because by doing so I'm potentially"virtue signaling" that I'm too good for "virtue signaling"
Do birds fly not in the dark as much as during the day? Or am I just not able to see them?
If we close down puppy mills where will we get "shelter pets"?
[NSFW] The people who watch amateur porn are the vegans of the adult film world
I rate this haiku, superflous sandwich meat, a solid 5/7
When a sail boat owner is trying to sell their boat do they put a “FOR SALE” sign on it or a “FOR SAIL” sign?
If gender is a spectrum, then I guess you could say that everyone is on the spectrum
what if life was like minecraft where if we all choose to go to sleep at the same time we could just skip to the next day
If not all languages are read left to right, why are graphs read that way always?
Headlines add to the neuroses. Read: “Man shat out his anus whilst eliminating”. This is now a major worry of mine every time I go.
I just realized that when my dog brings me a present I am literally throwing it away right before his eyes. He must be so bummed he tries to bring it back.
Cars should have a "parked with pet" mode to keep animals safe
Where does superman change now that there are no phone booths?
Why do they call a completed structure a building? Shouldn’t it be called a built?
Undoing an upvote is technically a downvote
It's really underappreciated that bowel movements (usually) occur as large amounts with long breaks in between than small amounts every fifteen minutes
God is like the absentee father who shows up when you're dying in your late-middle-age and then expects you to repent for not paying him any attention for decades (and for some inexplicable reason also wants money from you, but he never tells you what he's gonna use it for)
Since Thanos wore the gauntlet on one hand, that means he was asymmetrical, which means he was unbalanced...
Help me
I wounder how much photos i'm in, that were taken by random people.
If a regular person makes pedophile jokes he/she is a free and probably a pedo. If you're rich and famous you're a good person just making jokes for shock.
should fat people be called skinny people because they have more skin?
Thanks to Suite Life of Zack and Cody a gear selector will never be called anything other than the "PRINDAL"
What if different dog breeds speak different languages and the reason they bark so much is because they wanna be understood.
r/2meirl4meirl is just a bunch of redditors dissing themselves and their own self esteem
Imagine if the more moon was just the sun turned off and resting.
Hitler’s moustache was just his overgrown nasal hair
Airlines should give passengers emergency parachutes instead of lifejackets.
Racists are often portrayed as uneducated rednecks yet the people responsible for systemic racism are usually highly educated business leaders and policy makers.
If you takeout the trash at your parent's resturant, is that working or doing chores?
I wonder what it would be like to be colorblind in one eye? Like what would it look like when you're looking at an object with both eyes?
Incessantly reposting about buildings and the earth’s weight won’t increase your karma because the material was already there
There sure have been a lot of recipes with oats just after we found out that Monsanto contaminated our oat supply
If big name rappers/rich people have so much money on them why do some fail to pay taxes and end up in jail? Wouldn’t be easy for them to pay taxes since they have lots of money?
I wonder how many times a reddit post with an emoji in the title is mistaken for a gilded post. 😐
I think... we live in a... society...
Life isn't fair means it's fair for everyone & no one at the same time.
the word meme is actually so meme