There is a negative correlation between how much work I have at the office and the charge left on my phones battery.
Please don't let me have to poop when I get out of here
Even if I agree with your bumper sticker 100%, I still think less of you for having a bumper sticker.
If humans weren’t primarily made up of water, would water have a taste?
Considering you don't remember around the first two years of your life, someone born in 1898 or 1899 could still be a "90's kid."
Maybe Harry Potter is Gandalf during his spirit trip after defeating the Balrog?
Some parent is going to name their child Siri one day and they’ll grow up thinking people only talk to them because they want something.
The vast majority of people who have ever said, “This isn’t my first rodeo.” Have most likely never even been in one rodeo.
Someone can name their daughters Bebe, Cici, and Deede!
I have never searched for any of those keywords that Reddit tries to associate to a picture on Google.
With a time machine, How far would you have to go back to become socially acceptable to have sex with one of your direct relatives?
r/Showerthoughts is a sociably acceptable way of letting strangers know what you think about when you’re naked.
Do Homo sapiens in the Stone Age go to heaven or hell after they die?
iPhone names this year for 2018
“Four” is the only number that has the same amount of letters as its value.
What if you woke up one day with amnesia and all you remembered was your Reddit password and you had to discover who you were just based on your posts and comments
Never in my entire life have I seen someone come remotely close to slipping on a banana peel.
We spent so much time in school learning how to conduct proper research just for people to go online and cite YouTube opinion videos as factual sources in internet arguments
Many people get upset or make fun of arabic people for saying Allahu Akbar, but sing Hallelujah all the time, which is essentially the same thing.
Whenever you have a life changing revelation in the shower, you forget about at the end of the shower.
We should all be very grateful that hair does not grow out of our tongues.
Identical twins children are half siblings rather than just cousins.
1) With California’s current state of drought and wildfires, has Apple just built an enormous fire pit with their new campus? 2) Following that thought, As an “eco-friendly” company, how much water will Apple suck from the surrounding water table to keep their private forest watered?
Reddit is just one paid mass marketing campaign after another.
The actors from Friends should start recording storylines to be used as flashback material for a later reboot of Friends call, Golden Friends.
This sub could also be called r/drunkthoughts
When trash cans have foot pedals to open them , why don’t the toilet seats ?
Technically speaking, anyone who edited Hitler's writings for publishing purposes was a grammar Nazi.
Eye drops are just chapstick for your eyes.
The private phones of famous people are mainly called by telemarketers.
People raised in abusive households grew used to abusers going from silent to abusive with no inbetween emotions, and thus have trouble in adulthood to mantain relationships, as they take silence or neutrality as potentially hate and aggressivity
Why don't any of the characters in Finding Nemo have Australian accents?
The devil invented religion to distract from God’s purpose for humans, which is to appreciate life without worrying what comes after.
If race horses understood that winning means a life of leisure and luxury afterwards, they’d probably train harder and run even faster than they already do.
The word four has the same amount of letters as its value.
What if lead guitar players, instead of playing on stage, were hanging with you and I, but still made all the faces, gestures and spastic motions just the same
If I could tell the future, knowing me, I would probably waste the ability and prank r/mark my words for the upvotes.
The song FEFE by 6ix9ine is inspired by Donald Trump Covfefe
Facebook has become the landline telephone of social media platforms
What if you woke up one day with amnesia and all you remembered were your social media passwords and you had to discover who you were just based on your posts
Taking a cold shower during a very hot day is basically like reseting your run in a computer game.
If race horses understood that winning means a life of leisure and luxury afterwords, they’d probably train even harder and run even faster.
How many sit-ups did the first guy (to do sit-ups) have to do before he realized they were beneficial?
I am so glad that cats have no wings....
Lesbian porn should be rated XXXX
"Life is strange" and "Kimi no na wa" have basically the same plot. Time travel, preventing a natural disaster, hella feelings.
Hey, Reddit: Want to speak English fluently? Learn new words, Enhance your vocabulary, Eliminate grammatical mistakes, earn real money, and let your dreams come true. See for yourself why over 50 million users are hooked on Wealth Words.
No matter how secure drain covers are I still feel anxious stepping on them.
If you draw “ -2-2+= “ on your pillow with your finger it sounds like “Chim Chimney” from Mary Poppins
I still look at the gas tank indicator arrow even though I know which side of the car I’m going to be filling up on.
The USA has quite a lot more audible freedom than they do physical freedom.
If your "unpopular opinion post", gets a lot of upvotes, it's not as unpopular as you thought.
Bong water should be called nastea
Trump does politics like he’s Jackie Moon.
All words are made up, so when you ask what someone’s name is you are really asking what sound you should make to get their attention.
Doing something evil is much easier than doing something good.
The moment we encounter aliens smarter than us, the word human probably becomes an insult in their communiy.
Imagine if our entire body was covered in lip-skin.
Stove top elements are called burners, but the inside of an oven is not called a baker.
Does it?
It's incredible that a successfully executed surprise party for a significant other, full of deceit for weeks or months while planning, does not lead to severe trust issues.
I wonder how many conversations we miss out on by having earbuds in during the day
Keep wishing every social media platform was like Reddit; so much to down vote, so little time.
if your a guy you should probably always trust your friend when they say don't do something and never trust them when they say do it
What if crabs thaught that fish fly ?
Why do we still bless each other or excuse ourselves after sneezing? I realize the historical context but we are well beyond that now. It’s as arbitrary as saying “duck” to someone after they pick their nose. Or high fiving someone after they yawn.
Seriously, who can say the alphabet backwards, sober?
Car dealers adding their name and city on the back of every car they sell is basically the same thing as branding a bull or horse.
The US is notorious for having propped up leadership in foreign countries, but when it happens to us we lose our minds
If we called dollars "freedom points," we might see poverty a little bit differently.
you should trust your friend when they say not to do something, but never when they say do it
Nation Wide cant be on your side if both people in an accident have their insurance.
Ever realize that when go to sit on a toilet you've basically made a commitment to put your butt on someone else's butt?
The word short is longer than the word long
Dreams tend to be super emotionally based, yet we only have 2 words to describe them -- one that covers everything and one that only covers "Scary" dreams. that's weird
You never plan for twins. They always come out in a bundle of two time the bills and love you would ever expect.
You should be able to vote on other drivers on the road. Too many negative votes and your license is suspended for a week. Get enough positive votes and get a temporary discount on insurance.
It should be illegal for TV shows and movies to mention pretend websites and not have created them for fans to visit
Candy usually eaten during quiet things such as weddings, funerals, class, church and meetings, such as jolly ranchers and peppermints, are wrapped in the loudest possible wrappers.
People complain about a 40 hour work week yet they have no problem going to a restaurant seeing the same people everyday.
Dogs are confused because they see you are Petting your Phone more then them.
Why is “W” called Double-U when it should be called Double-V?
Could a huge Magnetic Pulse take out all electricity on Earth?
The band Asia was formed in Europe and their music was mostly popular in North America.
Godzilla has a "son" as evidenced by the movie "Son of Godzilla". Where the hell is Mrs. Godzilla?
I'd rather have Francis Underwood as president than Donald Trump
Women are expected to smile all the time working in customer service, but we’re the ones who get horrible and debilitating period cramps. That makes no sense. Men should be the ones who have to smile all the time.
How did the idea of the diner come about? “What kind of food do you want to serve at our restaurant?” “How bout all food.” “Cool, what time should we keep our restaurant open?” “How bout all the time”
Parents should say "Happy Birthday" to their kids when they are born. It's their 0th birthday.
Is pot banned at eating contests?
The toughest question to answer truthfully is ‘can I ask you something without you getting mad?’ Followed closely by ‘are you asleep?’
If I mysteriously accumulate sharpies there must be someone who mysteriously loses them also.
If we are all female in the womb does that make every man FTM trans?
I don't think I've ever bought a keyring, or a ziplock bag, yet I have many
Ouch!! Did someone run the rap downstairs? This water is burning my nads off!!
People caught texting and driving should lose their phone instead of their license.
Do Satan worshippers use unholy water to repel angels off?
25 yrs ago I used to make fun of people with combovers, now I don’t. Everyone Combes there hair over, there is no where else to put it. It just happens to cover a bald spot.
If a mirror could look at its self in a mirror, what would it see?
What color are mirrors?
When manufacturers develop a product that is used in the bathroom, they should be really careful how the brand/logo looks like in the mirror.
If being a hipster is considered underground, why being a hipster is the most mainstream thing to do?
The expression ''I could care less'' should really be ''I couldn't care less''.
Gravy and graveyard should at least be somewhat related in meaning yet have nothing to do with each other.
If you put me in a situation where I had to choose between French Toast, Pancakes and Waffles or die I’d probably die
If you have someone read the sentence “I am sofa king we Todd dead” out loud, it will sound like them saying “I am so fucking retarded”.
Do animals have weddings?
The phrase ''I could care less'' should really be ''I could't care less''.
What if Lucifer was kicked out of haven for being gay because god didn't approve. So Lucifer created hell wich is actually just a giant, secret gay bar.
What if the reason we only use 10% of our brains is because our biblical origins started with incest?
I’ll probably go to space once in my lifetime
Is a chicken a reptile?
How come Jewish people can count cards but can't count how many Jews died in WW2?
How is horsepower calculated?
“Will you still love me tomorrow?” is both incredibly appropriate and inappropriate to play at a wedding
The people who buy the most lottery tickets are the ones who should be buying the least.
What if oxygen makes our voice deep and helium brings it back to normal
Plot twist: what if I already died and this miserable life is actually hell.
Given that the object of golf is to have the lowest score, being sub-par should actually have a positive meaning.
Who named streets/avenues/drives etc.? What were they named after? Why?
I wish Googles Account Action verifier had an option that said "Yes, that was me...but it was some skanky hotel computer, so never trust it again."
I wish my phone was waterprAGOOAGOOAGOOAGOOAGOO
After the hundreds of videos of fake taxi, I’m surprised he’s never given a cop a ride.
What if someone who is incredibly unlucky is just incredibly lucky because everything bad happens to them.
Is it really ear rape, if you give consent by clicking on it?
The schoolyard game “Telephone” teaches kids how lies spread through word of mouth
Ancient Greece used the word “Idiot” to describe anyone not involved in politics, now it has reversed
Donald Trump is basically the 21st Century Hitler
People who say they are awesome should not have to prove it, they should be believed.
People always say that black people are "chocolate" and white people are "white chocolate". But the real "white chocolate" are albino black people
In the future, through virtual reality, we might be already living our current lives as a game, and not be remembering. It's more likely than not.
We speak sophisticated language but we’re really just moaning at eachother
People that prefer their steak well done don't like steak that much to begin with, but I'm sure if you ruined the rest of their food they wouldn't like it either
Just because it doesn't matter or seem important to you, doesn't mean it's not major for others
'A Better Place' would be an apt name for a cemetery
What if the whole time, Han Solo was actually Chewbacca’s pet human?
I want to fuck the salmon sisters.
Do you think the mean number of nipples per person is greater or less than 2?
I think that "narcissist" is a far more accurate and useful adjective than "YouTuber"
A dog is considered man’s best friend but doesn’t know its owners name
When parents call their kids squirt, they're really referring to the ejaculation that gave them life
Did people in 1818 think they were advanced with inventions like the cotton gin, as we view ourselves as advanced due to inventions such as the Internet?
All documentaries are sequels and prequels that exist in the same extended universe, it is called reality!
If you unexpectedly have twins, that means one of them was unexpected. However, it is impossible to say which of the two is the unexpected one. Therefore, even though you may have deliberately set out to get pregnant both twins are unexpected.
Turn the lights off at night your eyes take a minute or two to adjust. On T.V. when lights turn off, you can immediately see clearly in the dark room. If your eyes are adjusted to your surroundings and there is a small change such as lights off on T.V. does that eliminate the adjusting time?
As you get older does the voice inside your head get older too?
Futuristic films would be much more realistic if white people were a minority instead of almost everyone, since white people only represents 11.5% of the current world population.
People reposting and getting karma is the opposite of what karma should represent.
If a turtle lost its shell, is it homeless or naked?
"Liberal Witch Hunt" will be this generation's "I am not a crook"
Just because something is meaningless or stupid to you, doesn't mean the same to them. Doesnt matter if it's rational or not
Saying you’re doing something, “just for shits and giggles,” is basically saying you’re doing something in hopes to see/experience laughter or POOP.
Isn’t someone who is incredibly unlucky also incredibly lucky because of the very small chance those bad things would happen
Time travel must really suck for black people.
The unironical use of laughing emojis or captions like "this is so funny" or "lmao dying" on memes are the equivalent of a pre-recorded laughing track on a tv show.
When I research a " The_donald" poster and that is their whole interaction on reddit i feel like I'm watching shilling in real time.
Dog fighting is bad, Pokemon are good
Tumblr should just embrace who they are and become a porn browser
What if we're just living in one of trillions of simulations that are completely random, that an advanced civilization is using to try and determine their own past. By seeing which one turns out most like their current present.
Must be nice to have the USA behind you
Saying you’re doing something ‘just for sh*ts and giggles’ is basically like saying you are doing something in the expectation of literal poop or laughter.
It’s called Fortnite because when somebody gets a Victory Royale they don’t shut up about it for two straight weeks.
Suicide is a self defense because you are trying to kill the person who is trying to kill you
Trump being a dickhead did more to expose and brand McCain as a hero than he ever could have done himself (RIP Senator).
Who is keeping the timeshare industry alive?
I hear my neighbors arguing through the wall, I hope they hear my wife and I singing duets from Phantom of the Opera together
If you were hardware built to learn about the human race, and adapt accordingly, wouldn't Reddit be the best to place to do that
If I eat a penguin, I wonder if i just ate seafood or a bird.
The word Familiar sounds like From Earlier, in some accents.
Carry and Conceal? Call it your duty weapon. Cops do.
Our lives are so meaningless yet the parfum of the shower encourages us for some thoughts
Reddit is as beautiful as ever today
The only true American people are Native Americans
Reddit has blocked so many thoughts because the software decided so, what have we done
Its impossible to look mature while eating a fruit roll up
If it’s not on the internet, does it exist?
Why do we get IN a car, but get ON a bus?
People who have random shower thoughts could indicate a healthy mental state, as opposed to people with mental disorders who spend their down time worrying and self loathing.
Its a very profound realization that work/work ethic is going to be of lesser value than likability.
When you tell the waiter to give compliments to the chef do they actually do that?
When commenting on a reddit post, remember there are other countries besides the US.
All summer I've been seeing this girl named Summer. Last night I met a girl named Autumn. Is the universe telling me that my love life is now determined by the changing of seasons?
Universal basic income means that starting artists get to eat. It also means more people asking them for free work "because they should do it just because they love it and not expect to get paid."
if you mix salt and pepper together in a container.... do you have salted pepper?? or peppered salt?
If you are in the 0.000000013079641th percentile for something, you are the best person in the world at that thing.
Jesus Christ, Osama Bin Laden, and Mahatma Gandhi are all technically Asians...
Cannibalism holds to potential to solve both world hunger and overpopulation problems.
The recommended videos on YouTube are like the internet version of that friend who keeps playing videos s/he thinks you want to see just to cheer you up.
“This little piggy went to the market” doesn’t necessarily mean he went shopping.
Swiping something in a store means the totally opposite to what it did 10 years ago.
I wonder how r/showerthoughts often manages to have unoriginal posts when the automod removes posts with minimal similarities..
The are far fewer dance offs IRL than the movies of my childhood lead me to believe.
Youtube went from rap battles to just regular old plain battles.
Cannibalism has the potential to solve both world hunger and overpopulation.
It's a good thing dogs have yet to figure out what humans use cemeteries for
Someone is probably having the best sex of their life right now because they've just realized their Google Home has been secretly listening the entire time.
Jesus, Osama Bin Laden, and Gandhi are all technically Asians...
There are probably lots of organizations starting to panic about their 2020 goals by now
90's hair is the result of washed out hairspray from 80's hair.
If you stack one lasagne on top of another, you still only have one lasagne.
What if this is all just a simulation and social media, and any place we comment or post, is what allows our watchers to understand our perception even better?
TIL should really be changed to TILT for Today I Learned That
Tinder is called tinder because people find matches on tinder and matches are used to light tinder
I want to learn welding, but on the other hand, I have double sided tape
It's a good thing dogs have yet to figure out what humans use cemeteries for...
Obama(McCain)care
We laugh at "bots" being on here, but wouldn't this be the best platform for A.I to question and learn, in turn, about human nature?
Kids of the 80’s hated their parents trying to fit in with them, but now they are doing the exact same thing to kids of today.
I can never hear Ring Around The Rosy again because of Jackie Q.
Child molesters, rapists and voyeurs are put on registered sex offender lists but not people who cheat.
The cartoon Futurama could be seen to have a subliminal message regarding climate change: "Fry in the future"
Basically ruling Monarchs in Western Democracy have only been gone a hundred years. That's just the first commercial break.
Being a racist is considered a worse crime in America then murder or rape
You know, God is just an average person who unlocked admin commands.
The word bed actually looks like a bed
"I'm Sexy and I Know It" Is a surprisingly body positive song.
Why do public restrooms have toilets, soap dispensers, sinks and towel dispensers you don’t have to touch but to get out of there you have to pull a disgusting door handle covered in who knows what?
In order to have maximum efficiency is there a chance fast food chicken is a product of incest?
Whoever is deciding which advertisements I see is doing a terrible job, because I’m not buying any of this shit
Imagine how terrifying it would be to hear an ice cream truck driving down your street in the middle of the night
Imagine if, like race horses, humans were put down when they broke a leg.
There are two types of people on the internet, people who come to escape politics and those who come to argue about politics
In order to increase maximum efficiency fast food meats could very well be a product of incest.
Signing wedding papers is like signing a permission slip to have sex if you're religious
Our ancestors were surrounded by death, both human and animal and they believed in spirits and ghosts; today we often don’t see any death until adulthood but don’t believe in an afterlife.
People posting online that they’re spending an evening alone for “me time” defeat the entire point by announcing it
Is anyone able to really remember the back of their hand that easily?
You know, a god is just an average person with admin commands.
I get annoyed when a tiny rock creates another small chip in my windshield, but don’t consider how many times that windshield has saved me from potential injury.
Who hasn't anyone tried to make a spin off called "Who Wants to Beat a Millionaire?"
In approximately 250 years, Christians will be seen just as Flat Earthers are being seen today.
What if, like race horses, humans were put down if they broke a leg?
It would be entertaining to see someone refuse to believe that "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!" wasn't actually butter
People always complain about reposts on reddit, but if we are reincarnated after death than we might be reposts ourselves.
The biggest flaw in Dr. Who is language. Dr. Who should be constantly using words from the future that aren't coined yet.
Talking to school kids about the early days of the internet reminds me of 'interviewing' my grandparents about being in World War II
Hackers are actually more advanced than the FBI so maybe the FBI should hire these guys in exchange of freedom.
Your brain comes up with the best possible responses well after you are done with an argument.
Why isn’t milk called beef juice?
If we are reincarnated after death, then aren't we reposts?
People always complain about reposts, but if we are reincarnated after death then we aren't reposts ourselves?
How many newborn children turned to dust in their mother's arms when Thanos snapped?
YouTube doesn't have a word limit when typing a comment for the sole purpose of having people make a novel out of themselves or a copypasta.
When someone's life gets "saved", all it means is that they're going to die some other way instead.
When people in the future think about the internet, they may say "I could have done that too, it's just a bunch of computers connected together"
Memes, something that was found to bring fun, are now used to express deep feelings and concerns to find out whether there are others feeling the same
People who are actually depressed dont talk about being depressed, but people who arent depressed act and do things that make them seem like their depressed
If they go through their Facebook likes, Instagram follows (Chronologically) Teenagers these days will be able to retrace all the phases they went through.
Imagine if animals had there own religion where we are there gods
If i was more intelligent i would have been dumb?