A single cloud can weight more than 1 million pounds
Led Zeppelin are like the Quentin Tarantin of rock music
You Are Trying To Sleep, But Your Brain Have To Remember Every Thing Bad That You Have Done In Your Life, the brain is such a dick
If a billionaire performs oral sex with you for 20$, that billionaire performed oral sex with you for free!
Every human is half pregnant, however males only become half pregnant after puberty
You know you are getting old when the late night infomercials seem like a good idea and a reasonable bargain.
A deaf person and a blind person cannot communicate with each other.
There is no physical evidence to say that today is Wednesday, we all just have to trust that someone has kept count since the first one ever.
If we could convince China that invasive species (such as wild boars) are the best animals possible for their health, we could solve these problems in a weekend.
Most of the trouble with shitting or pissing your pants is in the horrible odor. If someone invented a way to completely mask that, you could play it off as someone threw a glass of water at you or you fell into a muddy puddle.
If everything is on sale, then nothing is
It would be stressful if other animals knew how to cook
Having positivity is a lot more difficult than creating negativity
The most unrealistic thing about Fortnite is that the doors open both ways
You can't explain someone that they are dumb. They won't get it, because they're dumb.
Literally "hitting a fork in the road" is a very rare occurance, contrary to how many decisions we make.
Idea for a Star Wars Story
The world does not owe you anything for your talent. Your talent is its own reward.
We earn money doing things we don't enjoy, so we can do things we do enjoy that don't earn us money.
Imagine how much money we owe the cities of Grand Theft Auto in damage. Those who’ve played, of course.
When the McRib is gone we spend most of our time wondering when or if the McRib is coming back
Videos are just a bunch of pictures moving really fast
Frasier is just a spin off of cheers.
It may be the most absurd question in the world
With the popularity of the internet, kids today will never experience the rush of emotions that is finding their Dad’s Playboy collection.
Every place you go has music playing in the background except for public bathrooms.
History is always written from the perspective of the winners
If someone doesn’t understand your irony you look like an idiot when in reality, they are.
Questions you can ask at a bar but not at a pharmacy. “What kind of pills do you have?”
Minty is cold spicy.
With millennials are becoming 20+ and planning families soon, now would be the perfect time for companies to rerelease toys we used to use so we can force our kids to collect Gogo's and Beyblades.
To make a tree house you must cut down a tree.
Ripping a phonebook in half is the most useless of useless talents.
The world would be a better place if farts were visible.
1989 was closer to 2000 than today
Marshmallow sticks to everything but your tongue.
These days you’re pretty much a loser if you don’t have a Wikipedia entry.
It's weird how read and lead rhyme, and so do read and lead, but read and lead don't rhyme and neither do read and lead.
Hospitals are arguably both the most common place to be born in, as well as the most common place to die in.
People in the past didn't 'mind' black and white television, in the same way that we don't mind the lack of colored microscopic imaging.
You can’t actually waste water. It sticks around in some form or another
Ice cubes are just domesticated glaciers
It's funny that the laws we are supposed to abide by on a daily basis are so complex that it is an entire job that requires a college degree.
Drinking milk for fun is weird but then if it’s Chocolate Milk it’s a different conversation
If we're going to write the value of the largest number possible, it would just be the infinite repetition of only one number, which is 9.
The first person to do sit ups was probably just trying to suck his own dick
There isn’t a task we humans do faster than when we are at a self service car wash/vacuum
Unpopular Opinion: Unpopular opionions are usually popular opinions
People who get told "you'll change your mind"about wanting kids,that probably isn't helping change their mind
The Rolling Stones aren't actually stones
Time is the number one killer of humans.
Almost Every Life Lesson You Were Taught As A Child Was Wrong
When You found out something new and exciting, google something like 'Why __________ is not true?'
The most amazing thing about life is that everyone else gets to see you but you spend your life caught in the maze of your own mind, never really seeing yourself in action!
1, 2, 3 is the same as 1-to-3
If you’re friendless in prison just drop the soap.
Don't blame the litter bug. Blame the huge corporations for manufacturing garbage that isn't biodegradable and can't be reused.
Geese are just giraffe birds
Cats spend 95 percent of their lives with their mouths shut.
A pizza box is square, but a pizza is circular and a slice is a triangle.
It’s only ever been fashionable to roll packs of smokes into t-shirt sleeves, but we could store anything in there
The opposite of love is not hate, which still requires feelings for that person. It's total indifference.
Instead of rebooting an old show like Parks and Rec, take the same cast and give them an entirely new story. Make the show about an office in the FBI, centered on special Agent Burt Macklin.
The best toothpaste is the one dentists don’t recommend
an archeologist is just a thief with patience
Running for the purpose of getting somewhere quickly is seen as strange, but if you run for fun it’s seen as being normal
Sleeveless shirts are such a catch-22, you're either a showoff with muscles or a obvious wannabe
Very few people know what uranium tastes like
If you asked people over 50 where they were when Neil Armstrong walked in the moon, they'd probably say "Earth".
Weeds are just plants, you didn't pay for.
Getting flushed down a toilet would be a terrifying way to die
Life is positive - death is 0 and it's the lowest point.
At one point we worried for lab mice and thought it was cruel to them. Now we have cured them of almost everything.
Friends will push you into the pool fully clothed. True friends will throw rice in after you in case your cell phone is in your pocket
Anxiety is like when video game combat music is playing but you can't find any enemies.
You only have one birthday day. Rest of the "birthdays" are just birthday anniversaries.
Anxiety is like when video game combat music is playing but you can't find any enemies.
if two people take each other's virginity, they still have one. it's just their partner's.
Everybody lowkey loves the first day of school, whether they want to admit it or not.
Evolution occurs both fully accidentally and by design
You could go your entire life being so allergic to bees that one sting is a death sentence, but you'd never know until you got stung.
We were all the youngest person on earth for a short time, but very few of us will be the oldest.
If ladder companies were serious about people not using the highest step they would not continue to make it so near the top of the ladder.
Either Mario is SUPER thin but looks fat, or their clouds are extremely dense since he's able to walk on them!
When we make cookies we all adhere to the measurements until it's time to add the chocolate chips.
Humans are some of the only animals worth more alive than dead.
People have sort of accepted that ghosts are either light blue or white, despite an obvious lack of evidence towards what they'd actually be.
Vampire selfies would just be normal pictures.
Over half the world's population has watched Despacito
Exhaust Pipes are the genitals of cars
Along with the purpose of procreation, sexual attraction may be the manifestation of an attempt of evolution to keep species less bored through out life by forcing interactions with others due to internal urges.
A lot of us probably have pretty great lifeprotips's and have no idea as we often just think that everyone does it.
If there was a TV show with ice-cream as the main characters, the main girl character would be named Vanilla-pe
Having your favorite band come visit you in the hospital is a good sign that you're fucked.
If humans get oxygen from air, and fish gets it from water. If humans drown when submerged in water, and fish dies when submerged in air. If humans cry tears,then fish must cry air bubbles!
Realized today that the little plastic table in the pizza box was to protect the pizza from getting squished.
Chilli is proof that most humans enjoy inflicting pain upon themselves
Some young deaf teenagers are watching porn with the volume on full blast and have no idea
We think of things like saliva and sweat as disgusting only if it's made by people we are not sexually attracted to
Educated people think they know everything.
If you're the black sheep of a family of black sheep, you're the white sheep.
If you were to die in the same hospital in which you were born, your average velocity will be zero
Do u think sock factories have a right sock section and a left sock section.
Saying a really talented Magician uses demonic forces to achieve their effrcts is the same thing as saying a natural buff dude who works out hard is on steroids, they are indirect compliments.
Spiders have the most boring lives. They just weave webs and wait for food.
How would a person from Japan pronounce "Purell?"
You may be on the internet without ever realizing it.
The best kind of famous is when you've played an obscure part where you can live a normal life w/o fans and paparazzi, but the people who do recognize you are the diehard fans who genuinely love the project you've been in.
When you're single, you're friendlier to attractive women. When you're married, you're friendlier to less attractive women.
If you step on a person's foot they open their mouths, just like trash cans.
Two people cannot attend each other’s funerals.
The sun hasn't got to see a shadow yet.
Releasing the first fart after a day of diarrhea is really underrated on how stressful it is.
Traditionally history has been written by the powerful winners of war but today we, the billions online, are making real history for the future. And it's not HIStory, it's OURstory.
Not being a pet person and finding out the person you like is is like
“Research” is the main cause for cancer in mouses.
Ironically, the soap pump has to be one of the dirtiest things in bathrooms
Every second you live you are costing someone some money.
Socks are just soft shoes
Dildos are some peoples' favorite meat substitute.
A laser tag arena would be an intense place for cats
Twitch/Streamer Drama is the new Jersey Shore/Real Housewives.
When robots get smart enough to pass captcha tests we'll probably have no idea
Toast is just Bread+1
It's very evident , what has happened to music
Water's just cloud milk.
When you are reminded of your most distant memory, your most distant memory turns into your most recent memory.
It's very common to be born in a hospital, but it's not very common to die in a morgue.
Out of millions of possible species you could have been born as you were born a human
NY Times Square is the only place where we can appreciate advertisements
People who say you will never see friends again after school don’t realise the power of technology and what it has done
Aliens would seem really uncool if they only learned to dance from white people.
Even if Elvis Presley didn’t die in 1977, he would probably be dead by now anyway
Guy who is about to invent farming: Yeh lets just put these tiny rocks in the ground and see if food comes out.
Everything is edible it’s just that some things might not be healthy for you.
With all the discoveries that scientists, explorers, and archaeologists have found, there’s had to be at least a few if not many that the public never found out about
The biggest step in a relationship isn’t the first kiss or even the first fart. It’s admitting you like pineapple pizza.
Bumper stickers are just tattoos for cars.
Sooner or later a country will take the plunge and legalise all drugs and will shortly after see a boom in tourism.
Getting drunk steals happiness from tomorrow. But, for most people, tomorrow is going to suck anyway.
Every year tipping the 1 dollar minimum on beer gets cheaper thanks to inflation
Every second, two people close their eyes and pass away.
The household items that last the longest are probably refrigerator magnets.
You could see colors totally different compared with how other people see colors(sth is red and you see red and another person sees eg blue) and no one would notice it.
It is more socially acceptable for a guy to pee standing up in public next to a stranger than sitting down in privacy
If we lived in a utopia where there was zero risk of crashes or theft, insurance companies would cease to exist
The worst part of a watermelon is the best part of a cucumber.
If 42 = The answer to life, the universe and everything. Then 420 = 42*10.
Driving automatic instead of manual is seen as lazy. But self driving cars are seen as the future and not lazy at all
Shark week is the safest time to go to the beach because all the sharks are busy being on tv
There were probably foods thought to be poisonous simply because the first person to try them was allergic
12 in the morning is the same as 12 at night.
Walking around in the dark with a flashlight is 3 times scarier than just walking around in the dark.
The fact that bones don't decompose in millions of years is really underrated
Trying to make friends as an introvert is similar to a cats relationship with wanting to go out the door but also looking to come back in.
There are more units of plank time in one second than there have been seconds since the Big Bang 14 billion years ago
There are some things you can’t google
You’ve never actually seen what you look like except in pictures and mirrors.
U can kiss on streets but cant shit on streets, meaniwhile in india ...
If your pants feel like they are going to rip then they may be too tight. P.S don't go around doing Kung Fu kicks or back flips...
ice cubes are just domesticated snow
Death is the cure to all diseases, if you die, people will say you "had" the disease.
Spiders probably see us as we would see Cyclopses if they were real: Gigantic, oblivious to where we are, and with less eyes than us.
Money, more precisely banknotes, literally grow on trees.
The amount of songs rhyming hero with zero is too damn high.
Every being we've ever known and all the celestial bodies in the universe might just be a part of a large organism, living its own life, just like we have bacteria and cells being part of us and we are unaware of it, just as bacteria are unaware that they are part of us.
If the Rock had sex with a lesbian he would destroy her because Rock beats scissors
Guys taking random pisses on places and not weary of any bugs being there is like mother nature with hurricanes and humans
We always judge a guy that farts while taking a piss, while we’re in the toilet stall taking a big dump.
The best way to feel old is to see how many years its been since your favorite movie released
If it’s a cow farm, then there’s probably gonna be cows outside
Storms are like portable waterfalls
It’s likely that Mice will be immortal before Humans.
Humans are the original invasive species
the more suicidal people there are, the less suicidal people there are...
If you replaced the “W” in where, what, and when with a “T”, you answer the question.
The term "Playing a recorder at night will bring snakes" is probably made up by parents to scare their kids for keeping them awake by practising their recorder all night.
One day robots will take over the world
Crying is like peeing from your eyes.
Moisture and Moist Air are the same thing and they sound the same
In order to fall asleep, you first have to pretend to be asleep.
A gay guy having diarrhea is equivalent to a woman having their period.
Pink is just baby red
We drive on parkways and park in driveways
To oversee is to supervise, but to overlook is to fail to notice; in extention...
It’s not gay if you wear two condoms, cause technically you’re fucking the other condom 😉😏
People in superhero movies with the power to heal wounds and scars.. yet still have belly buttons
When self-driving cars become standard, there will be an absurd amount of kids who sneak out and tell the car to drive them to Disney World.
The two 'c's in thicc can represent large asscheeks
There is nothing worse than dreaming that you are in school/work and then waking up to realise you still have to go to school/work
If your life ever seems boring, remember that you are on a rock traveling through outer space.
If aliens come to earth, we will have to explain why we made movies in which we fight and kill them.
When you’re working out, sweat is fat bleeding.
Yao Ming must have at least a six-inch penis.
Killer bees, quicksand, aliens (thanks Unsolved Mysteries and V), drugs, and Private Investigators are things kids growing up in the 80s and 90s thought would impact their lives.
Sleeping is basically a really long blink.
Wisconsin is just the northern version of Florida
Because of minute differences between Homo Erectus and Homo Sapiens, there had to be at least one human that was born from apes
We can bite down, but not bite up.
men, the best way to pick up a hot sexy woman is to approach her at the supermarket and say in a real loud voice, "DID YA TAKE A BIG DUMP TODAY, YES YOU DID, YES YOU DID!"
music, booze, drugs, and human contact
Children who are twins don't realize one of them was unexpected
Living your life is just like playing an RPG without a memory card.
Do you think some animals do t kill is because we’re on their protected species list
Camping is recreational homelessness.
Deep down, everyone secretly wants to be the little spoon.
[NSFW] Buying your own gifts is a lot like masturbating. Nobody knows you quite like you do and it's nearly guaranteed not to disappoint.
When you’re losing weight, it’s like your body is eating all that cake, ice cream and fried chicken all over again.
Pets are "the 1%" of animals.
The brain is the only thing that has named itself
Nuclear families turn into extended families.
It has to suck to have your birthday on February 29th.
Minecraft spiders are unique compared to other spiders in the sense that they are about four feet across and stand up to the player's knees.
Twins have to realize that one of them were accidents.
No one can see his own neck directly
Our parents always kept boys and girls separated alone because they knew how they were as kids.
Whistleblowers and tattle tales are the same thing. It just sounds childish calling an adult a tattle tale.
The concept of a wallet is confusing. You spend money to store money.
Hummus...is actually just bean dip.
We are all just NPCs in someone else’s life.
A dog can watch a vine in 1 second.
The next war major war will be crazy as citizens from opposing countries will be able to communicate directly through social media
Everyone rushes to make a green light unless you just left a fast food drive through.
It’s probably for the best that humans have no natural control on when we wake up
The donkey was the original hybrid vehicle.
Time is your most valuable possession, but be careful because eventually it will kill you.
Humans flew to the moon with stuff they dug out of the Earth.
When long distance space travel becomes commonplace board games will experience a resurgence. Have a well stocked board game supply will become vital to maintaining crew sanity/boredom.
Actors almost never look into the camera unless they willingly want to break the fourth wall, so chances are you’ve never looked straight into the eyes of your favorite actor.
Some people treat their pets better then people treat their kids
If typing in caps is shouting what does other formatting represent.
Pop tarts are Ravioli
Mosquitoes would have an easier time getting blood from us if their bites weren’t so annoying.
The first blowjob must have been terrifying to start with
At this very moment in time a boy is practicing farting as loud as he can while a girl is practicing the complete opposite
Itchy and Scratchy is the complete opposite to The Road Runner
There was that one time we returned the final movie to Blockbuster and never went back again.
Denzel Washington is the black equivalent of Liam Neeson
Tater tots are named over the two way to pronounce “Potato”
Truth is like nicotine, in small doses it's stimulating but in larger doses it can be a sedative.
Walking is the equivalent of driving a car, it's not difficult for us to do and is almost completely automatic, but parallel parking is the equivalent of us trying to do mixed martial arts.
If we are living in a computer simulation and the machine isn't maintained, then overpopulation might cause the simulation to lag.
Minty is just cold spicy
All shampoo can technically also be considered body wash
People say life is short, but it's the longest thing you'll ever do
The more suicidal people there are, the less suicidal people there are
If there was a universe without intelligent life, there wouldn't be a universe because there wouldn't be anyone to notice it, just like the part of the universe outside the event horizon.
“The Jets” is a somewhat regrettable thing for New York’s NFL team to be named
When you see a picture of the Milky Way Galaxy as a whole you are just seeing an artist's rendering or a picture of a different Galaxy.
If you really think about it, all the kids complaining about being born in 'le wrong generation' don't realize how difficult it was to find and also buy great music in the past. It is so easy to find music on the internet, usually at no cost.