I use the app HQ as alarm more than anything. "It's noon and you haven't done anything today!" "It's 6 o'clock, go eat!" Thanks HQ.
Magnets, how the fuck do they work?
Shouldn't really popular songs be Shazamed less because people would automatically know it?
The Hulk’s story arc in Infinity War should be used as a metaphor to teach school kids about erectile dysfunction
If aliens could see us bungee jump, what would they think?
What would the road signs look like if it was designed by graphic designers?
Why are the Earth or other planets any less worthy of worship than other Gods of religion?
Saying “I’m crazy, manipulative, and jealous af but I’m the best girlfriend you’ll ever have” is the adult equivalent of “I’m so weird and quirky POTATOES lol”
Why are our plates round and our tables rectangular???
In a way I admire these little kids who are addicted to fortnite, it's their way of saying f**k these microtransactions, imma grind like my forebears.
I guess Bakers should thank the Gay community for elevating their profession to an art form.
My man! is a nice thing to say to one of your pals. My woman! sounds very controlling.
My man! is a congratulatory phrase. My woman! or my girl! sounds more controlling.
I'm Age Fluid. I'm 41 but feel 75, I should be able to collect Social Security.
If I knew about homebrewing when I was in highschool I would have been a much more popular person
I may have already passed the most powerful fart of my life.
My head is just a skull...
How is letting go of a helium balloon not littering?
Maybe I'm the "protagonist" of the world and whenever I'm gone people just talk about when they think I'm gonna get back.
If we took "walk it like I talk it" literally, it would be easy to tell who has a speech impediment.
If you hit yourself hard enough that it hurts and makes you cry, are you considered tough, or weak?
Having a child has done more good for my anxiety and OCD than any medication ever did.
I wonder when Mambo No 6 is coming out. It's been a while now.
It's 2018 and I am still unsure of why cars doesn't have a mandatory FaceID recognition before ignition
The internet is filled with jokes about flat-Earthers, but I have yet to meet someone who genuinely believes the earth is flat
When my gf wears my clothes
Why does everyone preceed or succeed a story with 'when i was younger' - Isn't everything everyone ever did when they were younger?
If you die in The Matrix, you die for real. But what happens if you get something amputated?
Why do some people use it's not and some use it isn't or it is not?
Once we send people to mars, and if we forget, how would we recognize them as Aliens or Humans?
Wait Samuel l Jackson and Harrison ford where both in Star Wars.... I just realized this.
Negative top 10s should be bottom 10s and not top 10s
If I was a Roman around the year 5 BC and heard god had impregnated a woman, I would probably assume it was just Zues/Jupiter again.
Someone decided what your keyboard and mouse should sound like. But it isn't necessarily the "correct" sound.
On any given day there are endless possibilities as to what could happen, and I don’t know wether to be terrified or uplifted by this.
If reading “How to Not Die” by Michael Greger is currently second on my bucket list...
If the premise for Toy Story was true, the toys I've had since my teenage years would be disgusted with me.
Why is “Awe-some” a great thing, while “Awe-full” is a terrible one?
I find it ironic that there's a YouTuber named Ally Law despite him breaking the law in the majority of his videos
If a set of twins marries another set of twins, will each of their kids look the same?
Instead of “money can’t buy you happiness,” the quote should be “money can’t buy you happiness, but lack of money can sure cause a lot of suffering.”
Do cats, or other pets who maybe never leave the house, think they’re just deformed humans?
If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly then why did it fall off?
I woman will never know you put the seat down after you.
If humans never slept, would our lives seem twice as long?
Man that hair on the wall sure looks like a dog. Anyone else see patterns in random wall hairs?
I can't think of a single thing that lasts forever.
You’ll never know I put the seat back down
Thank goodness social media wasn’t around when I went through puberty. I would have been cyber bullied for sure.
Is it still blinking if you manually close your eyes?
If my box of 500 count of Q-Tips were short 100, I wouldn’t even know
What if aging is a disease and earth is a quarantined planet, that's why aliens don't visit us?
Am I really choosing to write this or is this a result my brain that I actually have no control over
People don't shrink as they age, but shorter people suffer less health problems and are more likely to live to an old age?
Radio commercials with car horn sound effects should not be allowed.
I wonder how many celebrities I’ve run into that I didn’t know were famous.
Polish people are Poles. Perhaps we should start calling Germans Germs.
If society eliminated plastic straws from the get go and everyone had their own personal glass straw. How much plastic would we have saved? Same goes for plastic utensil. If we all owned up to having our own and keeping them clean. How much would we have saved the planet?
I wonder if I've ever worn the clothes that someone else died in.
What if soy milk is just milk introducing itself in Spanish?
Vacuum cleaners should come with a headphone jack, so that you could vacuum at night
Do French children think the last little piggy says "Oui oui oui" all the way home?
Oh shit I forgot to turn off the oven
Why do I learn about interesting people in the world through their death? How to learn about them before they die?
As a kid, I've always been so acutely aware of when leap years happen but now I can't remember the last time I heard anyone say the phrase or mention February 29th.
Fedx’s theme song should be “x gonna give it to ya”
When I open I bag of corn chips, I am likely the first human to touch that corn in its entire existence.
Are closeted gay haters ridden by buttmares?
Is it quite ironic that followers of Jesus are now massively nailing him on the cross on their products?
Netfit?
If you find your twin attractive, does that make you conceited?
If you don't like your boss telling you "you will do this/you won't do this, because I'm your boss", you shouldn't tell your kids "you will do this/you won't do this, because I'm your parent"
Whenever I avoid being in an accident, the thought another me in another timeline got ran over instead leaves me tense.
I wonder what my teeth would look like today if I had kept wearing my retainer.
We joke about the population become ductile to the powers at be but what if that has already happened and we are experiencing the ever increasing downward spiral because we collectively don't coordinate "the peoples" fight.
As far as my hamster is concerned, my family and himself are the only living things left in this world since the pet store, and this world is only as big as my apartment.
/r/perfectfit is one millimeter away from being /r/mildlyinfuriating
The reason adults don't talk to strangers like kids do is because when we're kids we assume everyone is happy like we are so, why not say hi?
Christians see the crucifix as a sign of peace and God, and yet its original use was as a torture device.
Imagine if hummingbirds were venomous and attacked people. Life would be very different.
Time machine will never exist because people who invented it would already come in our time to show us their invention... Or they could have some sort of time traveling rules...
If we planted fruits and vegetables on the tops of skyscrapers, peregrine Falcons would provide free security
It's a wasted opportunity that the word 'eye' wasn't spelt with the letter i
Dogs are superior already. They use humans their personal assistants. And here we are after artificial intelligence.
They say your imagination has no limits but you can't imagine a new color, now can you?
A shower is for one who finishes quick.
If Saudi Arabia wants to freeze all current business ties with Canada, than that means Canadins won’t receive any bullshit telemarketing scam calls from their call centers.
Opening the fridge again when you are hungry is like going on Reddit: you come back even if there was nothing interesting the first time place.
Would having multiple penises make you more or less of a man?
The real, terrifying answer to students' common math question, "When am I ever going to need this nonsense?" is in the future as they're hopelessly attempting to help their own children with their homework.
If I ever go missing I’ll swallow my fit bit so my searchers can track me.
Amazon is to me as Home Shopping Network was to my parents.
Democrat's "blue wave" is based on Trump hatred.
If earth had a main theme what would it sound like?
If the term "little" is a microaggression for small people, is calling it a "microaggression" also a microaggression?
Who would win in a battle between Storm Troopers and Red Shirts?
Volcanoes are earth pimples.
If a set of identical twin bothers impregnates a set of identical twin sisters and both sisters give birth to set of fraternal twins one boy one girl, the boys and the girls would look like identical twins even though they are cousins.
Most people and most stores sell or own a white jesus in some form when really he was a dark tan or even brown color probably.
Anyone who has children in a way sacrifices their identity as an individual just to be called “Mom” or “Dad.”
Today people are more excited to see things associated with the President (Air Force One, the White House, etc). than they are to actually see/meet the President himself.
Instead of getting bigger TVs why don’t people just sit closer to the ones they have?
Men: If our dick’s had the ability to buy stuff, every single male on this planet would be in serious debt
If Reddit had been around since the 1600s, philosophers like Newton and Einstein would have posted their theories to r/Showerthoughts and gotten laughed at instead of properly publishing anything.
Is the earth longer up ways or down ways?
Donkey from shrek is actually a man who turned into a donkey and got amnesia
I wish I could tell music how much I love it.
If haikus express ideas with minimal words, that makes them the original tweets
I wonder if anyone has ever sold Pants seperately?
You’ll never look as good as you do in the bathroom mirror at 8.10 in the morning!
If you're dead inside, does it count as necrophillia when you masturbate?
English people used to have the same accent as Americans
Do bugs even take fall damage?
If someone is murdered in a hand knitted sweater, wont the knitter be a suspect automatically?
Tide has a new bottle that is supposed to be "child safe" and it makes me wonder what their view of "child" is
"Tweaking random bits until it seems to be working right" sounds unprofessional and downright worrying. "Applying empirical methodology to solve the problem" sound professional and wise, but it means the exact same thing.
Why do you drive on the parkway, and park on the driveway?
British people used to have the modern day American accent. They changed it to distinguish themselves from the Americans
If you are high while taking a shower, you must think crazy shit
Imagine if every time you got a pubic hair stuck in your teeth; the pube fairy would leave money under your pillow
In the US, food servers and bartenders are the only non-white collar employees encouraged to commit tax fraud.
Preschoolers are probably the most sexist people when it comes to choice.
Given paper was so valuable and desired back in the day, I'm curious at what point it became acceptable to start wiping your ass with it.
Ten years ago I felt happy every time I got a friend request, today I get overjoyed every time I find someone that I can unfollow.
The first SEO specialist you find by searching, is probably going to be the best, alternately, bad SEO companies will be hard to find...
All food is a hand-me-down
Nobody can prove that you are not immortal until you die. You (The person reading this) cold be the first immortal human and nobody knows.
I want a Home Alone game, in the style of Alien: Isolation, where you play The Wet Bandits avoiding an A.I Kevin and his marble traps.
When watching YouTube with friends at my house and a ad comes on, I always feel like YouTube has embarrassed me in front of my friends.
The reason why my face gets all itchy and sneezy in the spring is because it is covered in tree cum :(
Ditto was the sex slave of pokemon.
If a person is both gullible and easily upset by words, they are easy victims for controlling people.
Users who browse /new and filter out the most promising content for the rest of us are the unsung heroes of reddit
What if we lose hiccups if we're scared because if predators tried to get us while we had the hiccups, we'd get caught immediately.
In movies and tv shows, people almost never break the the 4th wall, but in YouTube videos they almost always break that wall.
A president should be able to suck a dick.
Taking a shit in the shower and stamping it down the drain is the modern equivalent of shooting your horse and pushing it in to a well.
Is it still called a crash course if you're learning to drive?
One of the hottest celebs?
Imagine being able to post on shower thoughts without it getting removed
What if one day google was deleted and we weren’t able to google what happened to google
I can hold my pee for hours, and hours and hours. But the moment my eyes see the toilet, my bladder says: "Hey! Four seconds left buddy!"
I’ve never been able to work it if love is supposed to be hard or easy
before soap and female hygenie products, going down on a girl must have been torture
Cats and dogs were created by the government to keep an eye on us
We know many people on reddit don't have much sex or we would have more questions about how to last longer.
We’re taught in the church to believe in Jesus without concrete proof, but how many people would actually believe a guy claiming to be Jesus returning from heaven?
Newspaper stands for ‘North East West South Past and Present Events Report’, so the “news” we get just means ‘North East West South’, which doesn’t make sense
At some point you go from fun bath-time in the evenings (with toys!) to functional shower-time in the mornings.
What if the Secret Service is actually a group of assassins there to make sure the president doesn’t disclose any secret information?
What if God had to make all the sounds of the universe by himself with a microphone, word by word?
No “tears shampoo “ is only marketed towards kids shampoo. But it still burns your eyes as an adult.
Dam, i forgot shampoo again
No tears shampoo is only marketed towards kids but it still burns as an adult?
Kids shampoo is the only one marketed as no tears but it still burns when your an adult
Marketing companies only market no tears shampoo towards kids but it still burns as a adult. I fell like this would still be a selling point towards adults too.
Why is “no tears “ shampoo only made for kids shampoo. It still burns as an adult
Elon Musk Phone Company
If McDonalds goes away where are all the failed people going to work?
When we eat a donut or a bagel, do we eat the hole too?
Someone had to taste soap in order to know that cilantro tasted like soap to them
Socialism is just communism in the disguise of capitalism....
The Secret Service is actually a group of assassins there to intimidate the president to make sure he doesn’t disclose secret information
If most tumblr users are teenage girls now in 15-20 years will it be the equivalent of moms net?
If you didn’t understand the concept of sleep, how would you know you’d wake up? Did the first person ever think they were going to die the first time they got tired?
Blind people can't have a racist behaviour towards black people
If dog ls are colour blind then why do the make their toys colourful?
If no one sorted by new, then there wouldn’t be any new hot posts on reddit
Funny how humans see themselves as the smartest beings in the Universe but still use excuses like ‘I’m only human’.
What if events like the Genoa bridge collapse are actually sites of magical battles and the magical community has just successfully covered it up
Bi-weekly means both twice a week and once every other week
If I touch my phone in the right places, a pizza will show up at my front door
There’s no such thing as a suicide survivor. Only a suicide failure.
If you shove the two "C"s together in the word "thicc", it butt
The Book of Mormon is like a DLC for the Bible
You can increase your roasting skills by using r/roastme and trying to roast the person as reddit would do and then get feedback from the comments.
If you post your unpopular opinion and it gets many upvotes, it's strong evidence of your opinion actually being popular.
Dogs can determine each other's mood by sniffing their butts. Dogs fart their feelings.
Dogs must be so confused about why we pick up their poop, especially after we yell at them for having accidents in the house.
If the multiverse theory was correct then God would reply to all our burning questions with "Yes and no".
If water can be luke warm, can it also be luke cold?
The word “trending” has become widely accepted as “hot” or “on the rise” without anybody ever knowing what the threshold is
If you treat something (I.e. water) like it’s scarce, it becomes unlimited, since you’ll never run out.
Dogs fart their feelings.
Everybody is a hypocrite so it's hypocritical to call others hypocrites
I wonder how many places I have visited for the last time...
when the weather's clear during the day we say it's sunny, so shouldn't we say it's moony during the night?
What if there is an alternate universe where here saying funny things get you upvotes, shares, likes, and generally loved, while there depressing things do the same.
I’ve never understood the term “flatbread pizza.” Isn’t pizza already a flatbread?
pig meat is not compatible with human cells
This entire subreddit is basically like Jerry Seinfeld’s stand-up routine.
Can't Streaming Services list ALL the actors/actresses for a show you are currently watching?
Something that messes with me ever since I read about it is how read and lead rhyme, and so do read and lead. But read and lead don’t rhyme, and neither do read and lead.
Car horns should be replaced with speakers yelling "NICE F###ING TURN SIGNAL!"
Epic Games should capitalize on the Halloween Costumes market.
The worst part about taking a shower is taking a shower in a new place and not knowing how to use the knobs.
Reddit karma is like credit karma because every time I check to see how much I have it seems to go down a point
Twitter and auto-correct are forever pranking each other.
Vagina should be pronounce VA-GUY-NA
As much as my parents told me about, "Preparing for the work force" everything in the "the work force" feels alot more childish than highschool.
I work at a roller skating rink and skate a lot obviously, but I will never know how many laps I have skated in my life.
Someone should start a “mind your business” movement...world would be a better place
Why don't TV studios just buy dbrand skins to hid the super obvious Mac logos rather than throwing random stickers over them.
You can never be the best at anything because there is always gonna be someone better than you who lives a thousand miles away
If two tongues touch, are they tasting the same thing or tasting each other?
If tomatoes are a fruit than does that make ketchup a smoothie?
So many people say they only smoke weed as a social thing with a group, but then the whole group gets too high to even talk
Doing nothing is doing something.
Chapstick is basically just bellybutton deodorant.
I wish instead of a horn my car would shout "NICE F###ING TURN SIGNAL!"
What came first the chicken or the egg?
Sometimes it bugs me when I look in the mirror and see my reflection staring back at me
If a person who is not black commits a crime, that means they are appropriating black culture. #themoreyouknow
Would ice cubes made out of alcohol burn?
My Country’s Expertise
You never realise how little shampoo and conditioner you need until you’re at the end of a bottle
If you sprayed ultra-ever dry on ice. What would happen
As we have showerthoughts and let the water flow into the drains, there are many who not only do not have the privilege of having showerthoughts, but also do not have the privilege to quench their thirst.
Teaching kids that men are statistically bigger risk takers than women is fine but teaching kids that black people are statistically more crime prone than white people is racist.
Doom, a game that is claimed to promote satanism, is about killing demons and hellspawn and killing literal Hell itself.
The Tesla logo totally looks like a cat's nose
When nuclear war happens and the Internet is shut down, a thousand years from then assuming humanity never restored the Internet, it would achieve mythical status as a dimension of infinite knowledge and a religion would be formed after it.
What if D.J. Trump real intention is to bring back the power to the governance all across the glove by behaive like he does and destroying the globalization as we know it since he was part of the shady industries and know their weaknesses
In the future, when they create the robot version of Trump for the history museum, the kids will think it’s broken because it keeps saying the same things over and over again.
If pee is actually stored in the balls, then why are women able to pee?
Phones should require a password to turn them off, preventing thieves from disabling the tracking feature.
if Mario's rival just has his first letter flipped into Wario, Luigi's rival should be ruigi
What if they patch games not to make them better but to slowly make them worse so you go out and buy the new game that just came out?
With all those videos of pet tigers. I wonder when we will have a fully domesticated subspecies of tigers.
Has anyone ever clicked an ad on purpose?
I think they patch games to make them worse so you'll go out and buy the new game
Priorities
As we have showerthoughts and let our water flow to the drain, how many people in the world are suffering due to a lack of water?
Not too long ago, ‘becoming a man’ had a completely different meaning.
How come I never hear flat-earthers talking about flat-moon?
Is it really cosplay if I can’t see your normal looking apartment in the background?
Maybe humans should be bred like purebred dogs.
People say "Tuna, is the chicken of the sea", yet no one (except me) ever says that, Chicken is the tuna of the land.
If you have sex with your clone are you masturbating or are you gay?
Companies rely so much on stalking us and data but the only thing they are gonna do by showing us a item similar to what I clicked on is creep me out, not get me to buy it
What prompted the first dog to pee on a fire hydrant?
All of these emails and pop ups about my "privacy" feel very invasive
Why is it Homophobia and not Gaycism?
Taco Bell should hire Ariana Grande to be the new face of a Grande meal advertising campaign.
I bet I'd use a lot less water if I thought less while showering.
We should consider ourselves extremely lucky that nuclear warheads are so hard to manufacture.
By the time posts on trade or sell subs make it on the front page it's sold or traded already
Heard panic attacks burn as many calories as high intensity exercise. Fuck cardio, trigger me.
The killing of the native Americans is a case where the side that won a war is (mostly) not viewed as the good side.
Margot Robbie is basically the repost that reached the front page, to Jaime Pressly's OC.