The same ppl who thought the kid should have died instead of harambe are outraged about the trafficked kids at the border. Imaging the outcry if they were baby gorillas
this is on my mind forever now
As AI continues to improve I'm starting to think more and more, 'Maybe humans aren't the best thing for humans.'
Two types of people exist in this world: those who write write "clean me" on a dirty car and those who draw penises
If everyone in the world had the same dream, would we all be aware of that?
I've never seen a Fly outside of a house.
Would it be possible?
A parents Magnum Opis should always be their children.
Do power plants produce their own power?
If a baby is born before the expected time is he/she a early access baby?
Is penetrating a zombie considered necrophilia or is it nonconsensual sex?
If you say "I like disgusting people" You cant tell If you like doing it or like people who are disgusting.
Do traffic lights still change if there’s no one there to watch them?
I bet birds and bats are going to think microgravity is awesome!
I dunno but i think the best reply to " Thank You" is " Thank You"
I wonder how many famous people have touched my money.
There should be some kind of alarm or audible indicator if you turn off your car's engine while the rear seatbelts are engaged
If time travel is ever invented it will have always existed
Nothing in this world makes me want to smoke a ciggarette more than an anti-smoking ad on television.
There are ten times as many units as tens, but there is an infinite amount of both.
“Bat”, the word and animal is just a bird and a rat together.
"Oculus Reparo" should fix Harry's eyes, not his glasses
If you talk shit about everybody you're a shitty person and if everybody talks shit about you, that also means you're a shitty person
The most diverse collection of human food exists in airport bathrooms.
The internet was created to prevent shark attacks. Have you ever seen someone on the internet attacked by a shark?
A dog sniffing around for a good place to poop is the equivalent of finding the right channel/show to watch before eating dinner
Almost any love song talking about their significant other can apply to your pupper
Pop sockets are the best invention ever. Now we don’t have to drop our phones on our faces at night
Jesus Christ
Am I high or did we skip Easter this year?
Married sex and Mexican cuisine mirror each other in that it's always the same ingredients, but mixing it up gives it greater appeal.
What if restrooms were labeled by sexual member instead of orientation? Stand vs sit to pee? I feel like I need to poop, now where??
If time travel was a thing why haven't people seen their future self
The one good thing trump has done...he has brought back peoples interest for politics..
Someone should invent a reverse Life Alert for Cats: "Help I've gotten up and can't fall down!"
Someone is probably making a porno right now
Almost all songs that are about a significant other can equally apply to your doggo
Death is a remnant of biological evolution by natural means. We're already practically past that.
Married sex reminds me of cooking. You can use all the same ingredients, but how you prepare something can make all the difference.
Elon Musk is the Tweeter Trump of Silicon Valley
Was beast the first furry?
"The word 'racism' is like ketchup. It can be put on practically anything - and demanding evidence makes you a 'racist'."
We never used the word legitimately until legit got popular.
Sliced bread is the best thing since Prometheus gave fire to man
I have never seen a rasberry that is blue but I do know what they taste like
Back to the Future 2 had printers all over Marty's house. What are the chances that someone printed porn to their entire family?
Famous people have Reddit accounts and we don't even know which accounts
I guess we're going to read a lot of "last straw" puns after California recently banned plastic straws.
Trying to be politically correct is as difficult as choosing the right shampoo for your hair.
Ads should have to lower their volume a little each time they played for you. That way you would either not get cycled ads, or you would no longer have to hear them
A surprising number of license plate lettering sounds like fart noises when read aloud.
We call it toothbrush
April Fool's should be moved to another date, because everyone now expects a prank on April 1st.
Being banned from askreddit is, for me, the equivalent of being married to showerthoughts.
It should be teethbrush
Slavery never REALLY went away. It just changed forms, allowed a few more "liberties," and became a whole lot more inclusive. Want to be a free man with a piece of land, a home, and a means of transportation? Just sign this dotted line, and work to pay off your debts and taxes for the next 45 years.
A beating heart means you're alive... and also that you will die
The plural of Moose should be Meese
When I get riled up reading posts from the opposite side of the political spectrum, I think about how they must feel similarly when looking at my opinions. That thought makes me very sad. In the truest sense of the question, why CAN'T we all just get along?
Reeses Cups are to Reeses Pieces as Hersheys is to M&Ms... which should clearly be called Hersheys Pieces.
If humans have skins that can absorb water, we probably will save much more water when bathing.
I wonder how many calls 867-5309 still gets every year.
The internet is like ancient Egypt: strange eyeliner, obsession with cats, worship of politicians as gods and communication by drawings.
It would be so much more convenient if shower drains had garbage disposals.
The internet is like ancient Egypt: strange eyeliner, obsession with cats, worship of politicians as g0ds and communication by drawings.
When you use your coworker's name you are trying to improve your relationship but if you get it wrong you end of making it worse
I hate it when...
Being 39 years old and essentially broke, I'd have a higher net worth if I were a bottle of scotch.
What emoji do you think Einstein would have used most often? My guess -> 😜
If a wizard uses his magic to make catgirls, is he a nekomancer?
If someone says they like crusty pizza, does that mean they like old pizza or does that mean they like really crunchy pizza or does that mean they like pizza with a lot fluffy crest.
Why people think only guys can make jokes?
The moon is simply called "The Moon", while all the other moons have names.
"Period attire" can mean either historical clothing or sweatpants and big underwear.
If god is almighty, could he create a rock which is that heavy that he can't lift it? But if yes, he wouldn't be almighty, because he can't lift the rock.
The movie, Idiocracy, should be shown in school these days just to show kids what may eventually happen in the future if we keep on going the route we're currently on.
Magic == Science?
If Robert Matthew Van Winkle drove a gas powered van that delivered frozen water, it could be called Vanilla Ice's ICE ice truck.
Movies are called movies because the pictures are moving
Given the unpredictability of life and death personal “guarantees” should be abolished
Right is spelled right in the dictionary.
All moons besides ours have an actual name.
Nutrition labels need to have a "what if you ate the whole thing" section
If Thanos wanted to kill half the humanity in the universe because they consume too much resources, why did Groot died in the snap?
The amount it costs to fly the president for 1 hour is the same amount as someone working minimum wage for 13 years.
Do you lift the toilet seat if it already has pee on it?
2 Flat Earthers on opposite sides of the globe should just call each other on the phone and explain their argument to one another.
Mosquito sounds like it could be used to describe a Muslim place of worship in Mexico
I wonder what baby boomer dogs will think of millennial pups 10.5 years from now
I wonder what it was like for the first person to ever accidentally bite their tongue.
I'd say I want Keanu Reeves to be president but I don't want to put him through that.
^**I**
Abraham Lincoln is known as "Honest Abe" but George Washington is quoted for saying "I cannot tell a lie"
People freaking out about Elder Scroll VI - hey Valve, time for HL3?
Who thought it was a great idea to put food in radioactive waves to heat it up?
If a man drank polyjuice potion and turned into a woman, then had sex and got pregnant... What would happen to the fetus when he turns back into a man?
If an elephant got elephantiasis, would anyone notice?
When will the human race finally declare war on wasps?
I have never seen a herring which was red, either in the wild or after being prepared/cooked...
Do caterpillars know that they're gonna be butterflies or do they just build the cacoon and be like "Wtf am I doing?"
If old folk are going to label young folk the avocado on toast generation, perhaps they should be labeled the meat and two veg generation.
My life is a never ending cycle of existential crises and epiphanies.
Whenever I’m thinking about early 1900s I think in black and white but if I think about ancient Egypt I think in colour because all we see from that era is drawings
Olive oil is made from olives, so what is baby oil made from?
What’s a dating social norm that should probably be a law?
What if thunderstorms are just alien tourists taking pictures of earth?
What if we are just really stupid
There are lots of straight people finding out that they are gay. where are the gay people finding out they are straight?
Why don’t we combine paperclips/bag clips and bookmarks? You can save your place, shove the book in a bag or box, and pages won’t get bent or crushed
If the show you recommend me doesn't have a 'Reception and Legacy' section on Wikipedia, I'm probably not going to watch it.
How was the first ever straight edge made?
I don’t know if blowjobs are overrated or if I’ve just never had a good one.
Almost everyone in Bikini Bottom should have the ability to fly.
Since Fresh Air broadcasts reruns of interviews from famous people who recently died, does Terry Gross secretly look forward to such deaths and then enjoy her day off?
Will Morgan Freeman narrate Morgan Freeman’s court documentary?
What if sometimes babies cry because they have a bad itch on their bodies or face but don’t have the coordination to scratch it or the ability to tell someone about it?
If the nfl is losing money because of kneeling, I'd wonder how much they'd lose if all the black players ( 65+% of the entire keague) up and quit
They should make a dog brush from the same material as the seats in my car.
I would much rather live the lifestyle of the Rich and Anonymous than that of the Rich and Famous
Are ski masks ever actually worn for skiing?
What if Alex Jones is actually working for the Illuminati
Why are scientists so hyped about going to space to explore the universe when from where we are it's LITERALLY in space and in the Universe?
Twenty years ago you would've been laughed at for saying, "Let me get my phone so I can take a picture of you."
Imagining that my future self has already gone back in time to change something instantly changes my perspective on my current circumstances
Once all the president's felons don their new orange jumpsuits they'll resemble the evil orangutan that much more.
The older you get, the more are phrases that start with "Never in my life..." serious and improbable.
Why are the good lamb chops called forequarter, why not just whole chops?
"Just be yourself" must be the worst possible tip in terms of encouraging self-developement.
The name Donald will probably become really unpopular and rare in the coming years
Doors don’t only open, they can also be closed.
What if Tostito’s made Hint of Lime scoops
Curly fries are the best solution to eating more than one straight fry.
Are bathrooms called lavatories because they typically have numerous eruptions?
It's too bad we already call cars automobiles because that would be the best word for self-driving cars.
I wonder how many people foster cats and dogs only because they can give them back without the negative repercussions and guilt.
You don't realise your own muscle memory until one of your emojis changes place.
We call them pets because we pet them.
do you think washer and dryer's are like actually friends or just work friends?
Having an hypoglycemia crisis is basically the human equivalent of running out of gas.
How many people were harmed in making of the first blow fish meal, and why did they persist?
If my using handicap seating when I'm not handicapped, is it just as wrong for a handicapped person to use general seating?
Elon Musk is an African-American
What if Aristotle was pronounced the same way as Chipotle
On another life-inhabited planet much bigger than earth, would every organism on that planet also be much bigger, making godzilla-sized animals possible ?
If two hands make one clap does one hand make a half-clap?
When a prank gun goes off in cartoons a flag that says BANG always appears because guns make a BANG sound. Explosions go BOOM. So, shouldn't it be called The Big Boom Theory?
Do drug dealers ever adjust for inflation?
If a news article has the word "this" in the title, you know it's clickbait.
You don’t realize how strong your memory is until you see a meme from 2 years ago.
They should just call them whole lamb chops instead of forequarter
YouTube has the highest concentration of hyperbole
Do people with nut allergies avoid Doubletree hotels because of the cookies they give out when you check in? I wonder if that has any effect on sales... 🤔
What does the presidents id look like
Good Neighbors would be a great name for a fence company
When people name their dogs after you, it's a sign that you're no longer taken seriously as a god, i.e. Thor, Odin, Loki, Zeus, etc.
A lot of people who ask to see warrants probably aren't really sure what they should be looking for in a warrant.
When did caramel become salted caramel?
Dog show. A contest in which participants are ranked according to how racially pure they look.
Somehow, pickled cucumbers are the only food to have earned the right to be called "pickles".
The whole of les miserables could of been uploaded to Spotify
Underage hookers should be called "prostitots".
The Acronym ELI5 for questions works equally well as Everything I Learned In 5 minutes of googling for answers.
Light touch has a fine line between that feels nice and is there a spider on my leg
Why have only pickled cucumbers earned the right to be called "pickles"?
I never remember how i was laying when i wake up each morning
Ffs. Will that guy with the beard ever just fuck off?
One day instead of going for a drive, I’ll be able to say: “Im going for an orbit to think, brb”.
What if the brain was a parasite and it made us forget about it?
Does Wheel of Fortune actively disallow contestants with speech impediments?
If an attractive person streaks, is it still indecent exposure?
There should be an HGTV show where Dwight Schrute points out all the things wrong with a house and Ron Swanson fixes them.
Charities should do a Winter coat drive in the spring and summer. Most people would be willing to donate their coat during those seasons bc they won’t need it.
What is the purpose of the hole in the middle of bagels? Or donuts?
Highlighting some text and pressing shift+caps lock should really toggle that text between uppercase and lowercase.
If a robot is programmed to make mistakes, does it really make mistakes then?
It really bothers me that October is not the 8th month of the year
Does eating pussy make you a non-vegetarian?
Barring some serious medical advancements, the date will include a zero for the rest of my life.
I'm more comfortable being sad than happy
Our brains have gone through millions of years of software+firmware updates, patches, and version upgrades in order to ensure our survival and passing of genetics, yet I can't string together coherent sentence around an attractive female
When people say, “don’t worry, it’s all taken care of.” You should probably worry because they’re most likely lying
Does Chili's even sell chili?
Who came up with the idea to incorporate giant buckets of water at water parks?
Why have humans not evolved in built sunglasses by now
I sleep in because I'm binge-watching my dreams
I was thinking is marriage considered incest because you share the same mothers and fathers?
What if life is just an infinite time loop and deja vu is just you suddenly remembering what happens next.
If there are more than two genders, then why does the B in LGBT stand for bisexual?
I could care less about shampoo/soap that doesn’t hurt your eyes, but I’d pay extra if it didn’t burn like the fires of hell when some sneaks into my urethra.
If I went back in time, I’d be completely useless
There should be an option to tell digital advertisers that you already bought the item you were previously thinking about buying so you don't have to constantly see ads for it anymore.
What happens when a woman takes Viagra?
I always look so different in the mirror vs. in a picture/video that I actually have no clue what I really look like to other people
Every time I trip or slip I just yell out parkour.
If the grass is greener on the other side, maybe you should take better care of your yard.
How can we put people on the moon but lack the ability to create a fully functional plastic wrap box?
To dogs, humans are giants that live for hundreds of years. What if our universe is simulation run by a being who’s normal lifespan seems like hundreds of billions of years to us?
The phrase "Just icing on the cake" refers to an additional benefit to something. However, icing is my favorite part of the cake, and I wouldn't eat cake without it.
When a movie or show has to cast someone ugly for a role, how do they tell someone they’re the right fit for the job?
Women should send back bloody tampon pics to unsolicited dick pics
Urinal manufacturers should put a target in the urinal where there is minimal splashback if you pee right on it.
Why does an Xbox controller uses ABXY and not ABYZ?
I was born in the 80’s, but in 42 years kids are gunna be born in 80’s again..
What if the reason why everything seems to have been named perfectly is because a time traveler went back gave primitive people a dictionary.
Time travel hasn’t been confirmed simply because we’d want to travel into the future, not the past, once the discovery is finally made.
God could lie and we would never know.
It should be “heels over head”.
Dogs sleeping with the tip of their tongue out is the equivalent of us sleeping with one foot out from under the cover.
Having random flashbacks and memories when you are reading something is the human equivalent of the sidebar of other similar videos on YouTube.
Screaming “88” repeatedly either means you are an enthusiastic Chinese gambler or a neo-Nazi.
Pimples are called pimples cause they pop out and dimples are called dimples cause they dip in.
Can you get addicted to something if you suffer from Alzheimer ‘s disease?
Reddit is humans organizing the internet into categories.
I wonder if all those kids that always squinted at the teachers’ writing ever got glasses
Liberals jack off because liberal women refuse to put out and are ugly shrews. Conservatives no fap because conservative women are hot as hell and love to ride big, girthy conservative hogs.
rednecks are seen as American patriots yet also wave a flag of a country that left them and killed 828,000 soldiers who fought for that county
With Global Warming,soon summer is going to be like the old winters when we weren't sure we would survive it. We will have to gather supplies and hunker down for summer.
It’s amazing how much power we have to make people miserable with our words and especially our deaths.
As a child we had the "five and ten" store. Today they are called a "dollar store". Another 20 years and they will be "five and ten" stores again.
Do dogs step on dog shit ..?
Friends that pass on your jokes as their own are the equivalent of reposters IRL.
What if soon we will have to gather supplies and hunker down for summer.. like we used to do the old winter, and winter will become the new vacation season
What if the dinosaurs were killed by an "alien" strike, so that we could be safely deployed to colonize the planet?
I bet women of certain religions in the Middle East don’t get skin cancer very often.
rednecks are seen as American patriots yet also wave a flag of the confederacy who separated from america
Ice pack technology has taken a huge and legitimate leap forward. I mean from 20 minutes to 8 hours is impressive in any innovation.
Ppl don’t like Hospitals because there’s where humans die. Well, by the same logic ppl should dislike alleys, houses, apartments, manors, cars, freeways, highways... essentially 🌎.
Youtube is now used more often than books, for most things that books were mainly used for
People don’t like Hospitals because there’s where people die. Well, by the same logic people should dislike houses, restaurants, malls, cars, streets, roads... essentially Earth.
You never hear about a female name being a jr or the third etc
Every time I see something really cool on reddit, I get a little depressed when I think about how many times I’m going to see it reposted.
One of the worst feelings is having to use one of the limited pay-to-win features in a tutorial of a game.
Do you think Muslim women have a lower risk of skin cancer?
Why are all the rappers shrinking?
How to not get over excited and lose the opportunity?
I wonder if twins realize one of them was unplanned.
Somewhere right now there could be a new plague spreading and we have no idea
Depression is basically walking the scenic route with your head down. Just because you're going through the motions doesn't mean you're enjoying it.
When you never never did something it means that you always did it, but when you always always did something it means that you never never did it, too
I feel like Kennedy would catch some heat today for telling people to “Ask not what your country can do for you...”
Why do you like certain things so dearly, would it be different if your upbringing as a child was different?
They tell us that as an adult our humour should be more mature, and yet I find nothing funnier than an adult shitting their pants.
Addiction what?
Bath mats are the dirtiest and cleanest things your feet touch.
Do nudists have private parts? or public parts?
Taps are like tiny showers for your hands
Despite being opposite, of you’re down for more or if you’re up for more - it means the same thing
The Reddit mobile app is so much better than the web browser
Reading a lot of books means you're a tree mortician
Stockholm syndrome is why dogs love humans so much