If Thursday is “Friday Jr,” does that make Wednesday “Friday the Third?” 🧐
If you think you're indecisive, bear in mind that dolphins are seacreatures that evolved from landcreatures that evolved from seacreatures. How indecisive is that?
Traveling in airports would be a lot shittier if there were no public bathrooms.
There must be a lot of "if your'e reading this it's to late" letters, that never got read, because it wasn't to late !
Breaking up with someone before they dump you is a less extreme version of committing suicide like a certain nazi leader
Dresses are just an excuse to walk around in public with no pants on
People who don't believe in global warming will be the first to complain since the people who believe in it will already have adapted to the change.
Why can we drink a drink but not food a food
Sometime in the future being the ruler of the world will be like being the president or dictator of a country.
Car clamping is kind of ironic, you parked your car here illegally? We're going to force you to keep it here until you pay!
Never trust preachers who tell you how to vote or politicians who tell you how to practice religion.
Everything you care about is something you create by actions.
rapping fast is like writing a book with no spaces between the words.
Video games and movies could be a way of brainwashing us into believing certain things in the future are good for us. Like are flying cars really as beneficial as they are made out to be?
If people started to wear clothes because it was too cold, then why don't we walk around completely naked when it gets super hot?
Facts don't lie, but you can lie with facts.
If an atheist refers to a time 2500 years ago as 'BC', are they really atheist?
Breaking up with someone right before they dump you is a less extreme version of what Hitler did
You can tell a lot about a person based on which celebrity comes to mind first when you say the name “Kylie”
The most convincing actors could also be very functioning sociopaths or pathological liars. How can you even tell when they're not acting?
a true athist surely wouldnt refer to the time 2500 years ago as 'BC'
You can always count on yourself if you use your fingers.
All three E's in 'general reposti' are all pronounced differently.
Banana milkshakes don't taste like bananas, they taste like the burp after eating bananas.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life gives you melons, make melonade? Melonade sounds like a disease.
e^(iπ)+1 = 0 essentially means 2.7182...^(3.1415...\*√(-1)) is exactly 1. Wow.
If your birthday is the 1st of Jan, the world has a countdown to the start of it. If its the 31st of Dec, the world has a countdown to the end of it..
Swiss cheese is the cheese version of a milkshake.
If gas is lighter than air, when a person farts, do they gain weight?
You’re bad until you’re good
Shoes are thicc socks
I still don't know how the Joker really got those scars.
Hitler committing suicide is an extreme version of dumping someone soon before they break up with you
If alt-facts are just lies, then the alt-right must be wrong.
Hitler committing suicide is a more extreme version of breaking up with someone right before they dump you
When telling someone about your day end with "...and I wasn't attacked by Cyber Ninja Monkees." It's technically correct and you'll find out if they've been listening.
Pets learning to like their owners is basically just a form of Stockholm Syndrome.
Aliens are already part of an intergalactic form of government and are observing us and waiting for the time to include us in that same government.
Why are "flip flops" not only somehow socially approved, but casually worn over silent and more safe "shower shoes"?
Are faucets technically vomiting water when you turn them on?
An infinite number of 1$ bills and a infinite number of 20$ bills would be worth the same.
Jesus was either the best man in history, or a lunatic with 12 insane friends willing to all even be tortured then killed for one purpose.
Imagine being fully deaf and watching porn for the first time with the sound on full blast. But never realizing. And you come out of your room and everyone pretends nothing's happened
Santa only comes out at night, he is immortal, and he wears a red suit to hide all the blood. Santa is a vampire.
Let's rebrand a suntan as a RISC: Radiation Induced Skin Colour/Change
The things that are technologically possible today have always been possible.
Life Insurance is like a people warranty.
Just heard this idea of a reverse lottery. Buy a ticket & everyones guaranteed to win something but some unlucky bastard gets hit with a £20m debt. Absolute fried me.
What if all dreams are real, and are basically just random livestreams from one of infinite alternative realities?
What if we're awake under anesthesia, it just makes us forget the experience?
If the highest rung on a ladder in not supposed to be used, why do ladder companies continue to keep them in their designs?
It amazes me that cars don't have a signal to indicate that you're driving slowly only because you're looking for a building in the area that the sat nav can't find
If you are what you eat, does that make cannibals the only actual people on earth?
How many humans died while figuring out which mushrooms are edible?
When your foot falls asleep, how do you wake it back up?
How can water be fresh?
If you make a pair of scissors out of rock does it beat paper or does paper beat it?
Whenever I see someone with a flag that has creases in it, I know it’s new and therefore assume their relationship to what the flag represents is also new.
If you're reading this post, you have just wasted 3 seconds of your life
If I decided to eat my 5 year old cat, it would be the most expensive meal I would probably ever have
When couples only have pet names for each other, it's to avoid the possibility of accidentally calling them by an ex's name.
I probably met a stranger more than once, who lives near me, and who I never talked to, randomly in public.
Duck tape is easier to say than duct tape, and that’s why it’s a brand name
Calling something ‘the shit’ means it’s great but calling something ‘shit’ means it’s bad
Try imagining a d3. I dare you.
Drunk me is amazing but,
A ghost poop is like your boss telling you to take the day off.
Elon Musk's taking Tesla private fiasco is really an example of "celebrating too early".
I wonder if the real reason couples have pet names for each other is to avoid the possibility of accidentally calling them by an ex's name.
I bet a lot of first time robbers have been foiled by instinctively locking their car and the horn going off, then shamefully getting back in and leaving.
Maybe the real reason couples have pet names for each other is to avoid accidentally calling them by an ex's name.
A lot of shower thoughts are about Amish people
The real reason couples have pet names for each other is to avoid the possibility of accidentally calling them by an ex's name.
EEVEE looks like the spider uwu (88w88) but with all letters cut in two.
The real reason couples have pet names for each other is to avoid accidentally calling them by an ex's name.
Doesn't matter if you're 3 or 83, if a balloon is within reach, you're going to hit it.
Nearly everyone responded with righteous indignation when they heard that the evil orangutan had wanted to pit whites and blacks against each other on his failed unreality show. Steve Harvey has been doing it for years.
When we escape we don't quite realise that we can't escape from ourselves. Right?
Does commenting on as many posts as you can make you a karma farma?
A generation of kids who called each other "butt munch" turned into a generation of adults who eat ass
“Duck tape” is a brand name because it’s easier to pronounce than “duct tape”
Ever wonder if the real reason couples have pet names for each other is to avoid the possibility of accidentally calling them by an ex's name.
I would pay to see people act out heavily CGI based movies live with VR Headsets on in front of an audience.
Maybe if parents didn't tell their kids that the kid bullying them likes them, they wouldn't grow up to aggressively hit on others via catcalling, groping, etc. and call it a "compliment".
Being overpowered can mean you are either stronger than or weaker than your opponent.
I wonder if the real reason couples have pet names for each other is to avoid the possibility of accidentally calling them by an ex's name.
The more mature you get, the less you use the word “I”
Are mascots just domesticated furries?
Why is W called "Double-U" when it clearly resembles a "Double-V"?
In light of the tragic Madden shooting today, I’m now just waiting for news outlets to blame it on video games again instead of actually doing anything useful.
If you start a YouTube video on your first day of freshman year in high school that recreates moving away from sun at the speed of light. You would back into the earth in about 8 minutes. You would back into the next closest star to the sun around Christmas break of your freshman year--in college.
Mom what’s a chocolate starfish?
The only time the word “incorrectly” isn’t spelled incorrectly is when its spelled incorrectly.
Can you get hand foot mouth if you dont have hands or feets?
Chen San-yuan is the real life version of the Pokemon Day Care grandpa
People who upvote "upvote this post to die instantly" could very well of died its just impossible to know.
Greeting card companies really missed out on a line of “Manniversary” cards for gay couples (and heterosexual bro’s)
Jack in the Box is predominantly stoner food as weed is legal in California
It’s ironic that things with a multitude of tiny holes like towels and sponges are the most effective at absorbing our liquid messes.
Everytime you go out in public, someone thinks you are attractive, but doesn't tell you.
If I lose one shoe from my par of Vans, do I have a Van?
The real reason couples have pet names for each other is to avoid the possibility of accidentally calling them by an ex's name.
Continuous data being richer than binary data, an electoral system allowing voters to rank each candidate on a scale from Detest to Adore would ... probably be gamed by the electorate.
Mass-shootings are just part of life now. Both my wife and I know there was a shooting in FL today and we haven’t uttered a single word about it to each other... not a single word.
While Baby Boomers and Millennials receive all the criticism, Generation X has avoided all the negative attention
Thinking of a shower thought is easy to come up with in the shower, but it is one of the most difficult things to do anywhere else.
Why does orange get all the credit as an un-rhyme-able word? What about silver, purple, and protege?
People used to say "Talk to the hand", but now they say "I'm blocking you".
Try imagining a d3.
When I was growing up I couldn't wait to drive, now I get excited when someone else will.
God watching House of Cards; hold my beer.
Is how I see myself, actually how I see myself?
Orange isn’t the only un-rhyme-able word: protege, purple and silver
I am a fully grown athirst adult. Yet Christmas is my favorite holidays
It’s called a hickey because rednecks are are called hicks and a hickey leaves you with a redneck. Hence, hickey
Voting is a socially acceptable way to slaughter your enemies.
I think its a bit of a rip off that we have grapes and grapefruit.
It's so hot now that every thoughts are about showers
Every time I use my phone in the bathroom I remember the bathroom book scenes from Seinfeld and wonder how many other phones are also tainted.
Multiculture kid sharing many showerthoughts
everything that we call disgusting is just our brain telling us that we shouldn’t eat it.
Memories or stored in secondary storage, everything else is stored in volatile primary storage
Who knew guns made great percussion instruments?
Insects and spiders who go into people's homes are basically wild explorers, since we go into animals' habitats and call it exploring.
"W" is the only letter not phonetically spelled with its own letter in it.
Donald Trump must be a terrible golfer. If he was any good he definitely wouldn't shut up about it.
“In My Feelings” by Drake is just his version of “Mombo N. 5”.
Thanos killed half of all life, which means he killed half of all trees and plankton as well, putting us back where we started
If "The Purge" was real and you legally stole a car, would it be illegal to try to register it the following day?
You know you're a really hairy man when you can just use shampoo as body wash and it has the same effect.
We all like the idea of theft proof cars and locks. Until we lock ourselves and cant was a coat hanger to open it.
Most of the time when we poop we also pee, but very rarely do we ever poop while peeing.
A porno getting a high rating doesn’t always mean great high quality. It just means the link does a good job describing the porno.
It 2 T's make a ball, and 2 balls makes a scrotum, then it takes alot dope to get Tea bagged
With Millennial's having children later on in life than previous generations - does that mean less people will have living grandparents in the future?
The "Deep State" is just the political boogeyman hiding under politicians beds ;) Grow up and get a flashlight. Its just a pile of old socks.
When a guy catfishes another guy, isn’t that swordfishing?
I wonder what the lowest number I've never spoken out loud is.
Instead of Cruella de Vil, they should have named her Cruellan de Vil.
If you write a grammatically correct sentence out of plants you have grown, does that make it Verbalism.
Do the FBI and NSA track each other?
Music subtitles: [specific genre that fits the scene, but not the song itself] rock music
I bet a lot of people went out and bought green cars after watching Meet the Parents.
The phrase "take out" can be used to refer to food, a date, or a murder. If you're a praying mantis, it can mean all three.
Wait, what if they’re not called squashes because they’re easily stepped on, but we call stepping on things “squashing” them because of these vegetables so commonly grew on footpaths?
In terms of currency, US presidents are worth more dead than alive
All of Elon Musk's efforts to save humanity would be null and void if all women collectively just decided to stop reproducing.
I wonder if police get warned about an event with cosplayers in town, or just get reports/sightings of sketchy, possibly militaristic looking people walking around.
For those 90’s kids, 2018 is the same amount of years away from 1998 as 1998 was to 1978.
To be satisfied with yourself often means finding a balance between being happy now and being happy later.
No parent would name their kid dad or mom
There have been hundreds of holocausts, calling it THE Holocaust seems a little pretentious.
I'll never be able to work for Google. They know too much.
Every American can hear in their head the shit sound of an 8 year old playing a plastic recorder as soon as they are reminded about it.
Yellow traffic lights should blink five or six times before turning red so that people can time them better.
Maybe American students are forced to take governmental fitness tests in school so that when/if world War 3 comes along, the US government can choose the strongest/fastest people to draft to the military.
In the future when I’m gone, my kids will watch themselves grow up just from my Instagram and visit it when they miss me
Every Friday I retire. Every Sunday night, I get hired.
Blind people might get I'll more often because they have to use their hands to read.
Despite the fact that I’ve never won the lottery and probably never will, I’m still happy for the people who do.
If you were shot with a shrink-ray would your clothes grow with you and if they did then what is stopping everything from shrinking? Where is the point where things will stop shrinking?
If the library of Alexandria never burned what would history look like today?
Why is ‘Sean’ pronounced ‘Shawn’ instead of ‘Seen,’ but ‘Dean’ is pronounced ‘Deen’ instead of ‘Dawn.’
Today is WWDC 2018. Is the only day in which I will use the Safari Browser.
Do you think that crabs see lobsters the same way would see mermaids?
It blows my mind how many jobs exist strictly because people suck
What happens if a Crip gets injured and needs a blood transplant?
This is the longest I ever been employed throughout my career. I've had 3 different cellphones at my current job. (Galaxy S5, S7, S9)
I bet the reason why so many really old paintings have naked people in them is because artists and buyers really just wanted to jack off to something.
In a world where we're trying to reduce waste, why do they keep making black jelly beans?
Judging from the vibrations outside, I’m about to be attacked by a Michael Bay movie.
I wonder how many brown m&m's get thrown away with trail mix
If the claim is true that cotton swabs push wax deeper into your ear, then what does floss do?
We’ll never really know how many hits the California Raisins could have had - all that wasted time as solo grapes.
Millions of people all over the world are also taking a shower right now.
In terms of human's and dog's co-evolution, I'm pretty sure dogs got the better end of the deal.
Presidential Dreams
What if you could see how many saves a post gets?
Imagine the number of hits the California Raisins would have had if they had gotten together as grapes.
Why do hard boiled eggs taste great cold but eggs prepared any other way taste like a nasty congealed mess when cold?
We are probably the last few generations of Americans who have to work for a living.
If you ever find yourself saying “poor me,” you just ask the bartender, and they will.
There is nothing worse than taking a poop and looking down to find it slipped past the p trap.
Breakfast for dinner is international speak for, "I didn't plan anything for dinner"
What if we all where sims who play sims.
Can you really lowball someone if they don’t set a price?
Why does Vimeo have a youtube channel?
Given that reCAPTCHA often tests us on our ability to recognize cars and street signs, maybe we should be concerned about the rise of self-driving cars.
Zoology is the Latin word "zoo" (animal) and "logy" (a study about something) merged together. The zoo(place) is literally labelled "animal" in our old language.
You know when you can't sleep at night, what if it is you brain's way of updating.
Even if god exist, religious groups would denounce it because the god is not their god
It seems like I've never owned a tube of Neosporin that was in date.
As a child I thought cooling stacks at power plants were cloud generators, as an adult I realize they pretty much are.
If they're truly exceptional, we will never know the name of history's greatest thief.
If Helen Keller was born with one arm, she would have no definite proof that people with two arms existed.
The first social security number was your name.
Super man is an illegal alien who is accepted into metro city as a hero and a god
Would a swimming pool be considered a domesticated body of water?
People call those they like, "dog," and those they dislike, "a son of a bitch," even though a dog and a son of a bitch are the same thing.
The movie Batman and Robin references Superman in the line: "This is why Superman works alone". That means somewhere, out there, a Joel Schumacher era Superman existed. Possibly with super-nipples.
Most "Showerthoughts" are probably thought of while on the subreddit instead of actually in the shower.
Nicknames are just synonyms to your real name
Is eating ass vegan?
Think of the hits the California Raisins could have had if they had gotten together as grapes.
Thin crust pizza is called thin crust pizza but there is literally no crust
I gotta take a Trump
Ranger Smith ran Jellystone park like a nanny state
Driveway markers would be great for target practice.
Do deaf people think in sign language?
Why are buildings called buildings if they're already built?
If I spent more time showering than trying to think of clever shower thoughts I‘d be finished with my shower much sooner.
Why does everyone always assume aliens are more technologically advanced than us?
Parents who try to prevent their kids from having relationships with a gender of the opposite sex due to religious reasons my inadvertently cause their child to become gay.
X+1=Y, where X and Y are consecutive odd numbers?
I wonder what North Korean porn is like
Is 24 the answer to Death, The Void, and Nothing?
Maybe the point of a "No Regrets" tattoo is to have a never ending daily challenge?
You know how we laugh when we tease or confuse our beloved house pets?
There should be a law for explaining the phenomenon where certain dishes appear to always be dirty on the sink but in actuality they’re always there because they keep being used more consistently.
What if Captcha security is just using us to teach early AI how to identify things visually
If you are very good at using bait, are you master baiting ?
I got very angry that they were cancelling one of my favorite shows on TV until I remembered I don't pay for cable TV.
If you are drunk/high and a mosquito bites you... will it become drunk/high?
I wonder how many relationships that started on 11/11/11 actually lasted more than a month?
All the practice I had as a kid pretending to be excited about Christmas gifts I didn't like has really come in handy when my friends all share the same meme
The Aquaman movie looks like it’s going to be reverse black panther.
Was Lorde using the royal "we" when singing "we'll never be royals"? Or did Meghan Markle prove her wrong?
Take a moment to think how thrilled necrophiliacs would be for the zombie apocalypse
If you're born deaf and blind, what language do you think in?
I don’t care what science says, all dogs are boys, cats are girls and skeletons are men.
What if dogs only play fetch with us because they think we like throwing it
What if you took a drug in another reality, and this whole life is just the high?
The guy who said "I'm not afraid of dying, any time will do" in Great Gig in the Sky is probably dead now.
Tongue bites would be life-threatening if we had shark teeth.
"Mini" and "Many" sound a lot like when said aloud
Is it cliche to say “it sounds cliche but it’s true” ?
I’m like a lemon because I spend hours in the sun but am still extremely bitter
The plots my mind comes up with in my dreams are infinitely better than anything I could come up with while conscious.
Cowboys should be called Horseboys
Next year we will have woman and men old enough to become legal porn stars but were born after September 11th
The Harry Potter series would be perfect if not for my crippling fear of snakes
Being asked to move your post to a different sub is the Reddit equivalent of getting transferred by customer service to the right department.
I dare you to upvote this.
Maybe somewhere out there is an alternate universe that is the same exact copy of ours but is made of anti- matter,and people there would just call it matter and ours as anti-matter.
Everyone should teach themselves to wipe with their non dominant hand just in case you lose a hand!
The phrase “I identify as” is going to get very tiring, very fast.
What if people who constantly walk around while on the phone are just subconsciously looking for the person on the other end of the phone?
In Denmark we reuse most of our water, and that is front the toilet to the shower. So when i take a shower does that mean i shower in toilet water aswell?
Considering how often I accidentally bite my tongue or cheek, I wouldn't last a week as a rattle snake.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?