If you clean out a vacuum cleaner, then you become the vacuum cleaner
You find someone in the sewer, you see this person through a sewer grate, he asks for change what do you do?
Running in *any shape* is the same as running in circles. Why are circles so special?
Does a person with one eye blink, or wink?
It’s mind-boggling that at one point blockbuster had the opportunity to buyout Netflix.
Dozens of the top posts right now have gold. It's probably one rich person giving gold to everything that makes them laugh.
Theres a highway to Hell and a stairway to Heaven because one path is much more convenient than the other
Getting an abortion is just spawn killing
You could make money going to yard sales and buying name brand clothes to take to Plato's Closet.
Is “shhh” short for shut up?
If humans are animals, does that mean that in the Pokémon universe, humans are Pokémon?
Can you "wage" anything besides war? Like, could I wage sex on my wife?
All you can eat chinese smorg is alot like porn. When you want it, you want it. Afterwards you often feel gross thinking about it, full of regret for indulging in it, and it isn't long before you feel empty again.
If the Mississippi River divides America, then Colorado would be in the Midwest and Ohio would be in the Mideast.
"Being able to watch porn" on our phones is probably the primary reason cell phone makers switched from making smaller phones to larger screens
We hear about the cool hold in the wall, ethnic restaurants (thanks to people like Jonathan Gold) that we should all go to but we never hear about the ones where people should avoid at all costs.
If evolution is survival of the fittest/best adapted to their environment, then why do we keep trying to save endangered species?
Kids that play Fortnite probably don't even know what a fortnight actually is, or what it means.
It's comical how radically different conservatives are from conservationists, while almost sounding like the same word.
A quesadilla is just a Mexican grilled cheese
There should be a volume adjuster for car horns!
People who go to bed with wet hair are living a way different life then I am.
Honestly, "TL;DR" should be an option instead of "I accept the terms and condition".
The more you don’t want to take a shower... The better it’s going be when you take that shower.
Sea glass on the beach is like a rich person who moves back to their old neighbourhood to show off.
What if in the 2050's teenagers start making fun of dads for wearing nikes
Sometimes I shout, “If I was a young warthog!”...
How to commit suicide as pain free as possible.
Assuming superheroes with laser vision have perfect eyesight, they should never have an excuse for missing.
All this gold on the front page is to distract from all the protest in bangladesh.
The words ‘bow’ (as in “I bow to the king”) and ‘bow’ (as in ‘bow and arrow’) are written the same way, but pronounced differently
The Shampoo Bottle Just Farted! LOL
Isn't anywhere in walking distance if you have the time?
I read so fast that I could graphically visualize the content, and that habit often becomes an obstacle when I write or read something I don’t fully understand which limits my writing skills and learning experience.
Make money on Saturdays by going to yard sales, buying brand name clothing for a dollar, then end the trip at Plato's Closet. Cash. Money.
Muscle man and rigby should fuck
I have underestimated the social value of wearing nice shoes. Life changing decision.
Fruits are plant testicles
Don’t see red flags with rose colored glasses on. They’ll all just look like flags
The "NSFW" tag is job dependent. For example, a graphic surgery video would be SFW in the healthcare setting.
If a hearing aid just makes sound louder, wouldn't that make you lose your hearing faster?
When I was a kid I used to pretend to work for fun. As an adult, I still pretend to work for fun but have to use my paycheck to do it.
I am now aware that I'm aware that I'm self-aware.
We're taught the vowels are "A,E,I,O,U, and sometimes Y," but we never learned in what case Y acts as a vowel
While sitting on the toilet I thought of the phrase "dropping a deuce" and wondered to myself: Where does that come from? Deuce normally means the number two... Holy Shit.
Billy is short for William, so that means Billy D. Williams name is William Williams.
“America First” is probably just the one thing Trump remembered from when Putin told him his plan to destroy NATO
Whether you’re “up” to do something or “down” to do something, they mean the same thing
A cat purring on one's lap is the best source of (natural) positive vibes
What if commercials featuring "before & after" pictures photoshop the "before" pictures instead of the "after" pictures to fool us?
I feel like Snapchat and Snapple are missing out on a very obvious joint marketing opportunity
If a cat calls actually called cats, women wouldn't have to worry about hearing them.
Christianity is a very old book club that can't move on to a new book
If I clapped once now and clapped once when I die, I'd be clapping for the rest of my life
In the board game monopoly you’re not playing monopoly until you win the game until then you’re playing oligopoly
Cops are literal troubleshooters
You get hold of a time machine and go back a decade to inform yourself about the meteoric rise of Bitcoin, but your younger self's heart can't take the shock of seeing you and see you vanish as they die.
Exercise machines would be more beneficial if they also displayed the muscles you’re using when doing it wrong.
Do nurses call in sick? If they do, shouldn't they just go to work anyway?
If Subway sold fries they'd probably get a lot more life customers.
Harry potter is basically The Bible for white people
If going 'Number 1' is peeing, and 'Number 2' is pooping, then 'Number 3' should mean vomiting.
I really need to wash my hair
If space vehicles are called spacecraft, air vehicles aircraft, and sea vehicles seacraft, then why aren't ground vehicles called groundcraft?
In the game monopoly it isn’t monopoly until you win, until then you’re playing oligopoly
We should have a right to see classified government info because they're using our money to do those things.
Watching Fox News to learn about current events is like watching Hogan's Heroes to learn about the Holocaust.
The only thing that gave a name to itself is the brain.
I wonder if robbers know not to rob anyone during rainy weather. Everyone basically has a hitting stick on them and they’ll probably get whacked if they try anything.
If I were Cinderella's prince, I would just ask them to show me their dress instead of try on a random shoe tbh?
Do people who lime their coronas, know that sour beers exist?
As a kid, I wanted to be Batman; as an adult, I want to be Bruce Wayne.
Why does "Piano man" start with a fiddle?
Are vegetarians allowed to eat bacon chips and other meat flawored snacks?
By now, at age 34, I should have seen two car blinkers sync up
What if you're actually dead and you're just living through the Afterlife?
I don't consider us to be in the future until I can video chat someone at 1080p 60fps and spell something over the phone without using the NATO phonetic alphabet.
Saying "I need it done ASAP" and "I need it done as soon as possible" feels like two different levels of urgency.
When Hitler was conceived, I wonder if his parents knew they were @$&#ing more than each other.
If women had an orgasm everytime they have sex, then it would not be so hard to get laid
If the universe is expanding that means there's an end to the universe. But if its expanding that means it's expanding within a space which then means there's infinite space.
Upvoted comments on posts that ask for "hidden gems" strike a delicate balance: They must suggest something that's obscure enough to be called a hidden gem, but popular enough to have people upvote it.
Was excited for the first day at office but I now realised that the world doesn't work as u think.
Tesla should come out with a car called the Turing
X88B88 looks like the word voodoo reflecting off of itself.
Everyone reading this has pooped their pants before
Its sad that the criminal justice system entirely relies on the debating abilities of jurors
Football is back, I can now watch SportsCenter again
If all’s fair in love and war, then the nazis did nothing wrong 🧐
The only thing keeping America's Funniest Home Videos on the air are people who don't understand how YouTube works.
When a group of people sing Happy Birthday, its usually so slow and drawn out that it sounds like it should be for a funeral.
Don't be unique. Everyone else is doing it.
If I had one wish, it would be for people to stop being so incredibly selfish.
People who name drugs at pharma companies should have no problem coming up with usernames and passwords.
The way Brits spell certain words should just be considered "uppity" english.
I’d be more inclined to watch commercials if just occasionally they could have gratuitous swearing in them
Getting laid would not be as hard, if women will have an orgasm everytime they have sex
At some point in history somebody decided to merge the words 'may' and 'be' it worked out quite well
The fact that I know human's are the most intelligent beings means that I am a human.
It wouldnt have been as hard to get laid if the women are guaranteed to orgasm everytime they have sex
Is acupuncture a jab well done?
Facebook is like a Fridge . If you're bored you'll keep opening & closing it every few minutes to see if there's anything good in it
It's funny how nonsmokers can't stand the smell of cigarette smoke but don't so much mind the smell of weed
If all’s fair in love and war, then technically the nazis did nothing wrong.
We should adjust the phrase "nice guys finish last" to say "naive guys finish last."
In baseball if you swing and miss the ball it’s a strike, whereas in bowling if you hit all the pins it’s a strike.
If you went back in time and killed John Quincy Adams, then left a note explaining you're a time traveler and where to find you in 2018, would you get arrested when you came back?
Painting with cocktails should be a thing. You could drink your paints as you go.
I, for one cannot wait for World War 3 Because as a 28 year old white male it's going to be the first time in over a year that I will probably be able to find constant employment!
Why are pictures in the shape of a rectangle when the lens is a circle?
Given we are so concerned about transferring germs we should all fist bump instead of shaking someone's hand as the norm everywhere.
What if it's Taylor Swift whom is bad at relationships?
If you throw a sun umbrella at someone are you throwing shade at them?
If you hit yourself and it hurts. Do you consider yourself to be strong? Or weak?
When my neighbour's cat comes around, I will stroke him and tickle him under the chin, but when my neighbour herself comes here, for some reason it's inappropriate to do that to her.
Ever thought this?
Have pants always been plural?
Isn’t school is effect of how we acted, like a completely fake reality we live through before real life?
Has that guy ever gone to a city where his cabbages didn’t get fucked up?
The new messages button on here feels like a "let's see who's mad at me now" button most of the time.
Why don’t they make carbonated tea?
When my neighbour's cat comes around, Ill stroke him and tickle him under the chin, but when my neighbour herself comes here, for some reason it's inappropriate to do that to her.
Maybe Jesus is like Beetlejuice and he's just waiting for his name to be said enough times before he shows up.
I've almost never used a pencil since I finished school
Sometime in the near future, we will have a president apologizing for tweets they made when they were 13.
Saying "we won" after watching a football game is the same thing as saying "i had sex" after watching porn
Technology now-a-days has made it virtually impossible to commit crimes without being caught. Even as soon as 100 years ago people could get away with murder. I envy past generations for that one reason.
What about... A MEDIEVAL BATTLE ROYALE?
Can't watch horror movies?
I don't think the great recession and peak unemployment occurring just before the rise of sadboi rap and social anxiety are a mere coincidence that one followed the other.
What are the extreme feminists gonna do when they realise their prefered terminology of "person" ends with "son"?
Sometimes I wonder when we die do we dream forever
If a cannibal ate someone else, would they become 2 people?
Red lights always 10 times longer than normal when a homeless dude with a sign is staring me down through my window and I'm broke as hell.
I don’t know what will be invented in the future but I hope it floats in the air
If you combined an iPhone and an android together, would you have the ultimate phone of iOS’s superior mechanics and Android’s microSD slot and removable batteries?
Shouldn’t paper beat scissors if all the scissors can do is double the amount of opponents in every move?
Is lamp light junk food for plants?
At what point does a spoon stop being a spoon and becomes a pan instead?
Dogs sniffing something is the video game equivalent of pressing X to inspect.
I can type without looking, but I would have a hard time telling you where each key on the keyboard is
Knowing how people are at the movies, did people read the text out loud back when there were silent films?
The Earth should have two moons so you can choose the best one.
The minty taste is just cold spicy ?
Am I the only one who realizes some interactions between people happens vice versa later in time?
My biggest fear is being completely alone yet I burn bridges like napalm. Life is a big contradiction.
If animals don’t want to be eaten then why are they made out of food?
Food products should have both “best by when unopened” and “best by when opened” dates on their packaging.
People that say “The Lord is my Shepherd.” Haven’t thought about what a shepherd does to sheep.
How does Google maps know the traffic is heavy in front of you, when you're 5-10 minutes away?
I've never liked Charlotte's Web because it made me sad that the spider dies yet if I see a spider in my house I squash it.
What if people that die really young are just angels being reborn to speedrun life
Would a video game that is only played through pictures still be considered a video game?
Non-emergency texts should be recognized and sent on a time delay, so as not to look desperate. NSA gain our trust as a wingman.
Getting out of the shower when you’re doesn’t make it possible for your towel to get dirty. But it still does
Ant-Man should "grow" fruit in the MCU to make giant food. Think of how cheap guacamole would be if avocados were as big as a semi truck.
If I don’t get sick or get into an accident. I should get a refund from my health and/or or car insurance company.
Why don’t movie theaters open up a non-descript dollar store type thing and sell candy and junk food near their theater?
Do dildos come to life in ToyStory?
My daughter is due in October 2018
Toothpaste or Teethpaste?
Porn sites should make their video ratings on a scale of 1 to 69%
What if our ancestors are just playing mosquito noises near our ears when we sleep to annoy us.
If ice-cream can be cotton candy flavored, and cotton candy itself has flavoring, that means the ice-cream is basically flavoring flavored.
"Do Not Touch" must be the scarieat thing to read in Braille.
The younger generation really doesn’t understand my sarcasm.
"By any means" seems a lot scarier than "by all means", but in almost every imaginable scenario, using ALL possible means would be horrifying
Every time you paint a room it gets smaller
Kids today are going to be afraid of throttling for a completely different reason than I was
When a mosquito lands on you and prepares to bite, laugh and say "I can't even feel it." It might shame him enough that he cannot perform.
Technically most animals are twins
If you live alone in the wild, socialism and libertarianism are identical.
I’ve never actually used the alarm feature on my cars keyfob for the intended purpose
Would you rather forget one memory or have everyone forget one memory of you?
What if real life has a plot twist at the end and what will it be
That movie “The Green Inferno” would have been a million times better if Leanne Crow was in it.
If you removed the I in invite it would sound the same
What are the chances?
What if after all these years we learn that Sir-Mix-A-Lot really had a deep and unexplainable passion for shoulder blades #BabyGotaWellPosturedBack
Socialists hate capitalism except when private companies use their power to silence their opposition.
Cars should use facial recognition to automatically direct or divert air ventilation.
USB has effectively solved the US/UK compatible outlet issue
Christians were right
I have a hard time remaining friends with someone who expects me to make contact on occasion.
What am I even thinking about? How long have I been in here? I'm probably running late again. Yep - the hot water is running out and I still have to shampoo my hair. Great.
The lead singer from Ladysmith Black Mambazo sounds like how I imagine Nelson Mandela would sing
Putting the “i” and the “u” right next to each other on the QWERTY keyboard has probably caused a lot of mix ups, hurt feelings, and even breakups.
If you think about it, buying merch or a shirt with a (non-clothing) brand’s name on it is just paying so that you can wear an advertisement for them.
If there is "heavens no" and "hell yes" why isnt there a "purgatory maybe" ?
I bet in a hundred years the way we talk now will be considered old timey
Am I the only one who thinks of Salad Fingers, when I hear the song "Slow Hands"?
Since Benjamin Buttun was born as a small old baby then he should have died as a large baby man.
If race horses understood that winning means a life of leisure and luxury afterwords, they’d probably train more and run even faster than they already do.
When the time comes to protect the Constitution against ALL ENEMIES FOREIGN AND DOMESTIC it should happen on a Thursday so everyone can get a long weekend to celebrate.
Do dogs chasing their tails just have an itch there?
11 AM to 12 AM is 13 hours.
Would it be possible to use AI to fight with AI?
What if all the gods are real, and they're all siblings having a competition to see which one of them can gain the most followers and can defeat their siblings?What if their religion and followers are a reflection of their personalities (god-alities)?
Dogs have masters; cats have servants
Candidates should have their sponsors listed next to their name on ballots. Like racing cars, the more money they spend, the bigger their logo.
Wearing my body
The way the words are normally used, "North America" is a bigger place than "America"
Frozen food should have printed the preparation temperature and duration on all sides of the package, so you can easily read it from the bottom of your bin.
Elder people should be allowed to drive as fast as possible , They will either get faster to their destination as they don't have much time , or go out with a boom
Prenups should be opt-out instead of opt-in to make things less awkward
If you’re clean when you get out of the shower, how does your towel get dirty
The best conspiracies are the ones we will never even theorize about.
In the year 2020, there will be a whole month of 420 and then a in it there will be a super 420 and then the time will be 4:20 at some point
I scrape up YumYum sauce more meticulously than I do Cocaine.
Why is the standard when cutting pineapple cutting pieces slightly too large to fit in your mouth?
When ever your in the shower,you think about stuff that you'd never think about,but when you go into a bath you kinda lose all sense of thought.
And if dentists actually recommend bad products, so you'll need more of their services ?
Maybe the reason I have never found a huge bag of money is because I don't go looking inside random bags I come across on the street
Imagine how painful it must be for porcupines to make babies.
Karma
I don’t fear death.
For businesses, the Trump administration is like four years of real life “mods are asleep, post [___]”
If we time traveled to ancient times and brought a flash light with us, the people of the time would probably think we are gods because we could summon sunlight.
The phrase "you do you" aka "you should be your true self" also sounds a lot like "go fuck yourself"
If moths only come out at night, why are they attracted to bright lights?
If you’re clean when you get out of the shower, how does your towel get dirty?
Universal Studios should really be Global Studios since their logo is just the planet Earth.
How much energy would be saved if the "normal" cycle on a washing machine dial went from being warm water to cold water?
Time and place mean so little and so much to people.
"Ow!" has always been my reaction to something that startles me, as opposed to something that actually hurts.
Today is Robert Muellers birthday. My dads birthday is August 8th and mine is the 9th. Is Robert Mueller going to eat me?
Is it called ‘august’ because all the leaves turn gold and color the breeze? “Au+gust”
The local barbershop I go to would make a great setting for a reality TV show.
I wonder how many gallons of gas Amazon Prime has saved from people skipping a trip to the store
You can't you the phrase "It took to long now my food is cold." when eating ice-cream.
Christianity was to Roman Pagans what Paganism is to modern Christians
Imma stick my toothbrush up my ass
I want an investment service that deposits one dollar from my checking into savings every time I check my phone after 11pm on a weekday.
If you stayed in bed all day, 5 days a week, and only got up to eat and use the bathroom, everyone would think you're a loser. If you did the same thing but from your cubicle at work, you'd be considered a highly functioning member of society.
Do people with Alzheimer’s forget they have Alzheimer’s?
Somewhere, someone is picking their noise while farting at the same time right as I type this.
If my drunk thoughts are a figment of my naturally true self. I feel as thought my true thoughts are merely a figment of the ideal me. When i drink i am not the product of humanity's dreams, aspirations, euphorias, nor simplicity. I am a product of the ultimate experience which creates the memories
Babies/small children shouldn't get in to the movie theater free/cheaper, their tickets should be at least double price. (except for kids movies)
If we had domesticated bears, there would probably be a chihuahua sized grizzly in someone's purse right now.
Why is hair beautiful when it’s on someone’s head and then immediately disgusting as soon as it falls out
Rock, Rock and Roll, Roll?
If there are 7 billion people on earth and you’re told that you’re “one in a million”, that means there are 7,000 other people like you.
Flies eat decomposed material, spiders eat flies, I squish spiders into material that will decompose. It's the circle of life, only a little triangle.
Airports should have small movie theaters for layovers; they would make a killing.
30 Years Ago, Who'd Have Guessed Todd Bridges was the Last Living 'Diff'rent Strokes' Cast Member?
"By any means" sounds a lot scarier than "by all means", but in almost every imaginable scenario, using ALL possible means would be horrifying
Where does the Girl Scout Cookie money go?
I wonder do sex-workers consider taking a shit overhead
Apple needs a “never show this app ad again” feature so I won’t be prompted over and over again to download some retail company’s app.
If computers buffer, isn’t stuttering while speaking the human equivalent?