Between hot objects, sharp knives, and fast rotating blades, it makes one think if the kitchen exists to feed you food or feed you as food
Dreams are thoughts on steroids
Dad jokes are funny because they're not funny.
If NASA announces that the end will end tomorrow, many people are going to spend the last few hours thinking of how to spend it.
Santa Claus is the first lie we tell our children and can be their introduction to believing friends over parents during their formative years.
If there is a masturbation competition, then the guy finishing first and the guy finishing last are winners in their own way.
Guacamole is just healthier mashed potatoes.
Putting in earbuds and listening to music is the most underrated way to get rid of ear wax.
A resident of Hamburg would be a Hamburger.
Kanye West's son will know about his mothers sex tape.
If you win twice you deserve more than a chicken dinner.
Nuts are basically the wood of food
Somewhere in the world there is an Island within a Lake on an Island within a Lake on an Island.
There is no physical evidence to say that today is Wednesday, we all just have to trust that someone has kept count since the first one ever.
Bugs/insects are getting smarter.
Chips Ahoy are Cookies not Chips
There is no better time to visit a restaurant then right after they fail a health inspection.
OSHA only exists so employers don't have to pay as much workers compensation.
Flat Earthers are an excellent example of how history repeats itself when we don't learn from it.
"Two days ago" = "today and yesterday", therefore it is referring to yesterday, not before yesterday. (This applies for other terms, too.)
Wall-E is the truest movie, the ocean is already filled with garbage. Although the movie didnt make the people stupid enough to think its a hoax cause it would have been too on the nose
Saying you are "on the fence" about something is common, but you never climb a fence and upon reaching the top, make the decision to completely climb over.
Most of us only speak one or two languages and will never be able to understand someone who doesn't speak one of them, yet we all assume that when aliens arrive we'll somehow understand them.
You know that you're old for real once younger relatives begin gifting you technology
Masturbation is the best form of meditation. They both serve to relax and rejuvenate, to clear our minds of stress and worry, to focus inward. One has a happy ending; the other you fall asleep.
For parents with grown children, you will never remember the last day your child sat on your lap.
A book is like a tv series and the chapters are the episodes.
Living in a city, a dollar bill is almost worthless, but four quarters are invaluable.
If you say "fuck off" backwards, it still says fuck off but in an English accent
It’s impossible to know for sure whether or not something is impossible or not
NEWS = New Shit
Knowledge is knowing that you can carry all of the groceries in at once. Wisdom is making multiple trips so that by the time you are done, other family members have put away most of the groceries.
If looks really didn’t matter, nobody would need to say “Looks don’t matter”
Your reaction to someone saying that they pirated a movie would be very different compared to your reaction of someone staying that they stole a DVD from the store.
If you can't remember when you got a concussion, maybe you still have it.
It’s remarkable that more concerts aren’t cancelled (or delayed) because the lead vocalist has a bad case of hiccups
Every person you know was once a tiny sperm
Spelling bees are a sign that our system of written communication is too hard to use correctly.
Fortune Cookies would be much more interesting if they had insults instead of nice things
If orthodontists stuck interesting material to read onto their ceilings, they could really boost their customer satisfaction
Watermelon is basically flavored water you can chew.
If on tinder you could see the other people of your same sex, people would have lower standards
Our phones are the most disgusting thing we own. We touch them before and after washing our hands at any time of the day and don't really wash them except for cleaning the screen from time to time.
Human are like parasites , once they exhaust their host planet they want to move to another one.
A rhino is in fact a Uni-hippo
“Urethra” Sounds a lot More Mature Than “Penis Hole”
Everyday is someones birthday....sooooo happy b-day stranger!
Everyday, the average life expectancy is changing.
The fact that we are either completely alone in an infinite universe or that we are not is truely frightening
The language of love does not use w0rds, but the law states that it must.
an average looking woman can blast a stinky fart in front of men and she is still desirable, but an average looking man struggles to get laid.
In the movie Inside Out the emotions we see in everyone else's head are the same sex as that person, but in Riley's head they're both sexes, which implies that Riley might be non-binary.
People would be a lot happier if they thought of life in terms of video game achievements. Even doing impressively dumb stuff is an achievement none the less.
anti vaxxers are probably just scared of getting a shot
"Get better soon cards" shouldn't apply only for sick peole.
Two pairs of scissors is only two scissors.
When you realize "woot" if pronounced translates to eight in French.
People don't leave their jobs. They leave their bosses.
Society has caused a depression epidemic by telling us we have to be successful, pretty, smart, liked, healthy, rich among other things and you are failing if you aren’t meeting these standards
Steven Tyler looks like a gilf
It would be so much easier to sleep if we didn't itch at night.
The impractical jokers whole premise rests on them not getting popular enough for most people to know who they are
Writing with bad grammar is the equivalent to talking with bad breath
Age is directly correlated with the amount of news you consume on a daily basis.
Moths turn into butterflies when they eat enough colourful clothes.
Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.
The first person to argue against stoning was probably stoned
You bring the same amount of cloths on a 2 week vacation and a year vacation.
In the chemistry world, everything with F is out to "F you."
Humans are just natural robots
In sexual matters, Women = Crockpots, Men = Microwaves.
If one has to get hit by a vehicle, an ambulance is the most optimal option.
Humans are just a really effective treatment for curing the Earth of trees.
Eggs are just chicken periods
Kind of shocked that people named "Matthew" never go with the nickname Hew
The greatest superpower would be a real life Control + F
Finding that a backup roll of toilet paper is within reach is strangely satisfying.
Listening to people without kids talk about not having kids is as boring as listening to highschoolers talk about what they can't believe their teacher said to them.
Some people have more blades of grass in their yards than the number of people on the planet
Water has no smell, except when it rains
If Souja boy was a recent time rapper, he would be Lil Souja
We never know when its opposite day because the day it actually is opposite day, it becomes the opposite of opposite day, meaning it must be a normal day.
It’s easier to envision the splitting of the sea then to envision someone getting completely cured from cancer.
We will never be in the future as modern life is always evolving
Robin Hood was actually robbin’ the hood.
The difference between winning $5 and $1,000,000 is where you’re playing poker.
Marijuana smoking lounges dont really need to have the best food but people will still swear it's the best.
The pictures of hot girls which are used for fake profiles and for catfishing; those girls actually do exist and have made those pictures at some point in their life.
Characters in Westworld must have stanky clothes given that they never change
Cable TV series will die soon because people want something they can binge watch.
Everyone will either die or break up with their significant other
A scooter is a skateboard with easier steering.
Crying is emotionally draining.
Link (Legend of Zelda) is an asshole that breaks into random people's homes, destroys their pottery, and robs them.
Luck is just skill you can’t replicate
Sometimes you have to leave people behind in order to move forward.
Waiting to fall asleep is the epitome of fake it till you make it
Humuns are basically recursive 3d printer.
Car guys are the gender equivalent to horse girls.
If a mother doesn't give birth to a daughter, she is breaking the cycle of giving birth to females in the family since beginning of man
Physicists are just collections of atoms admiring themselves.
If movies would have a audio settings menu like in video games, where you could change volume of music, soundeffects and voices, you probably wouldn’t have to change the volume very often during the film.
If Ariel from The Little Mermaid sold all the things she found in the ocean she would be filthy rich
Car sales is where being a customer’s first choice is often a bad thing for the salesman.
Albino animals are almost like the ‘shiny’ version of Pokémon
Dead by daylight is a reversed PUBG
Bellybuttons are weird but seeing someone without a bellybutton would be even weirder
October isn’t the eighth month
Rewinding an instructional video is like asking a professor to repeat himself repeat himself verbatim in class at your whim, and Google is like when a professor with infinite knowledge is willing to expand on a topic at your whim. The students have finally won.
The easiest way to get into the main stream media is dying
For those who are overweight, just know that round is a shape. Therefore you’re in shape.
All those Harlem Shake videos are going to be online forever.
Human civilization is essentially an extended porno
Conspiracy theorists are the grown up version of kids who told you that if you ate a watermelon seed a watermelon would grow in your stomach.
Books are just really drawn out summaries
An ancient alien theorist saying no to an outlandish theory is like a fat kid saying no to cake.
Never judge a movie by its trailers
We’d rather be able to skip an ad in 5 seconds, than watch a 5 second ad and not be able to skip it
Bowls are just big cups
On Google earth in the future, you will probably be able to look at the past to see how things have changed
Once self-driving cars take over completely, the sound of cars constantly honking will be gone from cities
Seeing a completely irrelevant Internet ad is a good sign that your privacy is not compromised
Your voice in your head doesn't need to take a breath
Spinach is mature lettuce
The three “E”s in Mercedes are all pronounced differently.
Inside the tank of a toilet is like a practical Rube Goldberg Machine
People who sort by new make sure those who sort by top see something different when they refresh
Cash is/was a seriously underused medium for getting messages out to the masses. You probably have noticed some random scrawlings on notes but you never had big groups putting messages out there.
Time flies by faster when you are happy. That's sadly why dogs live such a short life.
Eating some Meat, Bread and Salad sounds a lot healthier than eating a Hamburger
It's weird how, with men, maturity is not expecting sex on the first date, but with women it's the confidence to have sex on the first date.
Burglars steal instead of give, therefore Santa is a reverse-burglar.
A Brain made up the whole 10% of its potential myth about itself because it was lazy and didn't want to do the other 90% of its work
Saying “son of a b*tch” is the adult equivalent of “your mum” insults
If the current US administration was westeros', Mueller's investigation is winter...
Dragon Ball Z is anime VeggieTales
Sometimes you need to dance like the world isn't watching: just because it is
The feeling a dog has when their owner gets home is similar to when you’re down in CoD zombies and you see your friend turn the corner on his way to revive you
Getting sick proves you're human after all
It would be so great if animals could laugh.
A lot of women try to wear pretty shoes, yet a lot of them also think foot fetishes are weird.
With all the space and air available to go to, your fart reaching you is karma at its finest
Water contributes Directly or Indirectly with literally almost everything we use, have or see.
when there is rain outside, it is ‘raining’ but when lightning strikes it is not ‘lightninging’
Pulling a spoon out of a leftover-frozen DQ Blizzard feels like wielding the sword in the stone
Fallout 4 is just an alternate retelling of Finding Nemo
The first person to come up the idea, "First Come First Serve" must be because he got angry at the person who cut his line while he came first.
Objects or tools that have become too filthy are often stigmatized as unfit for sanitary use even after being thoroughly cleaned. The same is not true for our hands.
We get grossed or weirded out when animals pee to mark their territory but if you were to pee on a couch no one would probably be sitting there
The greatest non-feature Apple has given us is no blinking red light when we’re recording something
It requires more effort to say www than to say world wide web
You don't really know how comfortable a couch is until you're trying to sleep on one when you're sick.
Spotify asks you to watch an ad for uninterrupted listing but when you don't watch they play an ad anyway.
There is so much good music out there that could be your favorite song, but you’ll never hear it
Garbage bag commercials kept us looking for if the bag would rip instead of if the string would break when we pull it.
If an adult lost both their hands and feet they would have lost over half the bones in their body.
We take it for granted today, but a single Dorito has more extreme nacho flavor than a peasant in the 1400s would get in his whole lifetime.
All Flintstones cars are wheelchairs.
If you tell a man that there is 100 billion stars in the universe he will believe you, but if you tell a man that a work bench has wet paint on it, he will have to touch it to be sure.
Most things I learn, I don't remember. I think I remember most things I learn.
Tony Stark calling Maw 'Squidward' instead of a more fitting 'Voldemort' makes sense when you realize Tony would be more interested in a goofy and lighthearted cartoon like Spongebob than Harry Potter, a book/movie series about magic.
You're not good at games. They just got easier
Salt is a flavour enhancer, so sweating people's kisses taste batter.
History is the study of everything that isn't right this second.
Doing church communion would a lot more challenging if it was spaghetti night at the last supper.
Articuno, Zapdos, Moltres is uno dos tres
The plural of goose is geese, but the plural moose is not meese.
Waterfly is the opposite of firefall.
$1000 does not seem like a lot of money when you earn that much, but it seems like a lot of money when you owe someone that much
When you light a lighter you make it lighter
How humans perceive color
You either love olives or hate olives there is no in between
You probably needed to do something like programming with magic to create the Sorting Hat in Harry Potter universe.
In anatomy the "A hole" and "B hole" are the same hole
It's millions of peoples birthday today.
Sand is the glitter of the beach. A good idea to start, it gets everywhere, and you can never get rid of it.
A night owl and an early bird being roommates would be smart since someone would always be awake guarding the house at all times.
A mark of becoming an adult is watching episodes of TV shows chronologically, as opposed to in the kiddo days when we just watched whatever episode was airing at the time.
It’s be hard trying to stab a sword swallower
If you only have 99 problems...you're probably doing alright.
Oranges are pre-sliced by nature
If Harry Potter had made friends with Draco Malfoy in the first year, the whole series could have become really awkward... (because Lucius Malfoy is a Death Eater).
DLCs are just paid updates
The hospital is the only place where you leave without entering and enter without leaving.
To us we see earth as all our land masses but to extraterrestrials we are probably known as the water planet.
If you clap two times a day the gap between those claps are just a sloooooow slow clap and someone has the record for slowest slow clap and probably doesnt know
Image how much easier it would be to build houses if wood could be heated up and turned into a liquid.
A major problem with our society that has been around for a while is that most young children experience the death of their grandparents, then mostly don’t experience death for a large period of time, making the grandparents’ death devastating.
Lightning was probably a lot scarier to earlier humanity.
Some people sell their sleep to buy a million dollar bed
Competitive gaming is just seeing who can press buttons the best.
Perhaps there are millionaires and celebrities today who literally sold their souls to get where they are.
Like a diamond, a habit is difficult to form, but almost impossible to break.
The generation calling millenial dances "tomfoolery" are the same ones that gave us the macarena.
Aquariums are basically reverse submarines
Dating in middle school is essentially like being a garbage bag. You're just trash collecting other trash.
The main thing the internet changed the most was the exchange of information. The thing it changed the second most was probably masturbation.
The very first man to wear clothes must have been ashamed of his own body
how do women react if they are about to have sex in the doggie position and the man goes, damn baby, your ass stinks!"
If throwing dollar bills is making it rain, then throwing change would be making it hail.
Having an opinion about the preceding or next generation is common throughout human history, but millennials just take it so personally
Hiding a spare key under your doormat is like having the hint to your password be your actual password
You'll never know what it's like to see a full clear view because your nose is always in the way.
Here in the U.S. if you yell "Ducktales" in a crowded room someone will go "woo-hoo", in the U.K. if you sing "Always look on the bright side of life" someone will whistle back.
Our toy dinosaurs are made of dinosaurs; the dinosaurs died and were squashed into oil which makes plastic. Then that plastic is made into toy dinosaurs so the toy dinosaurs are made of dinosaurs.
If you lost your voice at a concert, you annoyed everyone around you.
Your brain hallucinates your conscious reality.
Maybe 9 out of 10 dentists recommend certain products because they’re actually bad for oral health but good for their businesses fixing teeth.
Wedding rings are like the world’s smallest handcuffs
Maybe the reason we have scars is because in the time that the wound takes to recover our body forgets who it was before
The vast majority of watches designed for diving are warn by people who will never dive.
Outdoor flies fly faster than indoor flies.
You don’t realize how much you actually blink until you’re made aware of it, then you notice how much you blink, then quickly forget about it
Making task manager end itself is kind of fucked up
If magic was real, we wouldnt find magic shows that intriguing.
Hair is so annoying
If you bake instead of facing the tasks you need to complete, you are Procrastibaking.
Sliding glass doors are just windows that stretch to the floor
We live in a society
Wheelchairs Are Just Strollers For Adults.
Dogs chewing on bones is equivalent to humans chewing on ice.
homo sapiens won't evolve any further. science, medicine, and hygiene have taken over and decide on who gets to procreate.
“City music” would be the exact opposite of country music
Along with actual money, we have suffered from time “inflation” since we have longer live spans and have accelerated processes to previously unheard of speeds each moment has lost a bit of its value, retirement now is just showing that since we have so much time we end up just being there all bored
Home is the place that doesn't smell like anything.
The Sith and Jedi are so good at hiding their presence and reading minds that they could use the Force to make a killing on Bitcoin in a 51% attack.
soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in spanish
Imagine what life would be like if haircuts hurt
Trees are closer to human than we think they are.
Almond Milk is really just Nut Juice.
people going into the ocean and getting bitten by a shark is like breaking into someone’s house and getting shot
Pulp in orange juice is much more popular than in coffee and other beverages
Spiders would be so much worse if they traveled in packs.
Some people with memory problems don’t know they have a problem.
If you subconsciously do something but then you notice you subconsciously did it is is still subconscious or is it just like conscious.
Earth was placed exactly here and allows us to provide a perfect climate to sustain human life
It's weird how calling your SO "Baby" is fine, but "Daddy" is inappropriate
We know our parents for our whole life but they only know us for a portion of theirs
Too many people are smart enough to be angry, but not smart enough to be successful...
Whole Foods Sandalwood Soap Smells so comforting
no one knows how many lies they're being told at any given moment
Your stepdad looks at your aunts a lot differently than you do.
Fire Trucks are actually Water Trucks
Seeing a film at the movies is basically a paid beta test; you try it out, and if you like it, you buy the full version
Dishes and laundry are promiscuous sisters; they are always getting done and they won't do one another.
If you are alone and fall of a building, cliff or other high place and manage to hold on the edge, but don't have the strength for one pull-up, you cannot do anything about it.
Lobsters really drew the short straw. Their most common cause of death is literally being boiled alive
The older you become, the less a "life sentence" has in any real meaning.
If you have a secondhand smartphone, there is a 100% chance someone else has used it while pooping.
Only some food is mashed. However, your stomach thinks all food is mashed.