Ugh, I told her not to use all the hot water
Shazam! (the new DC movie) should have Sinbad playing as a genie
If dolphins were to become the dominant species of the earth I wonder what their version of a dog would be.
I'm neither as fat or as skinny as i think i am at times
When that guy in the Superman movie said "Look, up in the sky! Its a bird!", what's so crazy about seeing a bird in the sky?
Music streaming services such a Spotify wish you to pay for their services. Meanwhile, a person can get their music for free on YouTube.
The High Sparrow in GOT just has the worst case of Fapper's Remorse ever.
Whenever someone tells me they don't have a fetish, the first thing I think is, "Damn, what a freak"
If we replaced airbags with a big, sharp, metal spike sticking out of the dashboard, people would drive a lot more safely.
if a man is gay and then realises he’s transgender and becomes a woman and they still likes males, are they straight or are they gay? (reverse for women)
In the first Spiderman movie with Tobey Maguire, the fact that they let a genetically engineered spider wander around the museum and bite a student without getting sued is actually more unrealistic than the rest of the movie.
Boiling water would probably sound like a horror soundtrack to a bubble.
Suicide is a way for a person to feel that they have control over something when they can't stop feeling like they have control over nothing
The name of the Tango is due to the fact that the dancer’s legs tangle.
Whoever created the word for symmetry really missed the mark not making it a palindrome.
I wonder if archaeologists in the future will find bodies with indents in their skulls from headsets
The people who record the default phone network answer machine messages must have great fun trolling their friends when theyre called.
You think the person that made mayonnaise named it that because someone asked for canonnaise?
W is pronounced "double u" but it is actually two v's put together.
Saying "it was just random" means we're too lazy to figure out exactly what it was.
Health insurance companies should have an app with GPS and the more exercise and general check ups you do, the bigger the discount.
In Genesis God made the world in seven days. First he made the Heavens and the Earth, and then God said "let there be light." So when you think about it, God made the Heavens and the Earth in the dark.
If autocorrect intentionally started to spell words incorrectly, especially words with multiple vowels in a row, it would mess up how we all spell stuff pretty qwicklie
In a world full of dank people, farts would be called AssGas.
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Is the “k” in “acknowledge” silent?
With so many people opposing Trump, maybe next time people will actually get off their ass and vote. Decisions are made by those who show up
Dogs are man’s best friend but I have yet to see a best dog at a wedding
The fact that Polaroids are the only pictures without metadata really helps them corner the serial killer/rapist market.
What's stopping a Batman villain from copyrighting the Batman Logo, name, story, etc? Seems like it'd be a great way to ruin his character/message, and they'd become stupid rich from the merchandising. Really, what is Batman gonna do about it? Sue?
It's easier to farm upvotes than it is to farm downvotes with a post.
Why is sour cream called sour cream.... when it’s not even sour..
Someone with a lisp will say Sith, this, and sis the same way.
When humans live on Mars, will they experience Earth in retrograde?
What's stopping a Batman villain from copyrighting the Batman Logo, name, story, etc? Seems like it'd be a great way to ruin his character/message, and they'd become stupid rich from the merchandising. I mean, what is Batman gonna do about it? Sue?
Kids today will never know that just because you bought a piece of technology (computer, software, game etc...) didn't mean you would be able to use it.
Without knowing it you played your last game of tag. Meaning today people are still walking around today who are “it”
Forgetting that your caps-lock is on & hitting shift for the first letter of a sentence is the keyboard equivalent of your voice cracking when you start talking.
A quad bike should have 8 wheels if a motorbike has 2
Is Shrek¿
Unless you are a celebrity, Twitter is like talking to yourself in a crowded room.
Acolytes of the lightning deity would be electrolytes.
The reason I always screw up spelling the word "arctic" is probably because of how Pokemon spells Articuno.
Almost every towel you’ve ever used has touched someone else’s genitals
If bot jizz was called hath, then a masturbating bot could get its hath away on Anne Hathaway.
The word crushed sounds a lot nicer than what it implies
Despacito has 5.4 billion views on YouTube. There are 3 billion people in world connected to the Internet (estimated). So the average person with access to the Internet (from any country!) has watched Despacito 1.8 times on YouTube. How?!
Maybe the reason that I don't have any money is because of all the crazy things I would do if I had a lot of money
Moms can call boththeir daughters and sons "honey", but dads can only call their daughters "honey".
I need a kettle that boils faster than my attention span
What if mars has water on it because we used to live there and fucked up the climate so badly that we had to send an escape pod earth with only Adam and Eve in it
Imagine the advertisements contacts/glasses companies will have in 2020
Youtube is modern public access television
Are all children small or are they just far away?
All the odd numbers have the letter ‘e’ in them.
HBO execs must be pissed that “Netflix and Chill” rolls off the tongue much better than “HBO and Chill”
If a demon can grab your feet if they’re not under the blanket, what’s stopping them from just grabbing you by the head instead?
What if the movie “ the matrix“ wasn’t a movie but a “ historical documentary” that every one saw it as just another cheesy sci-fi movie?
If I have a near-death experience and my whole life flashes before my eyes, I'm probably going to be bored.
Dogs with genetic conditions look cute to humans. Maybe its also true the other way around
Saying you second something is a more proper way of saying “me too.”
No one actually knows for sure that today is Sunday. We are all just trusting that the very first people that ever lived started to keep track instantly 😮😲
Ten years ago I couldn’t get 10 nuggets for $1.69 but now I can.
Emcee, the abbreviation for Master of Ceremonies, is just the spelling of the letter M (em) plus the spelling of the letter C (cee)
We are that bizarre parallel universe where Trump won
A Batman villain could totally copyright the Batman Logo, name, story, etc for nefarious purposes.
How long exactly is a cotton picking minute
Phone calls that start with an automated "Please do not hang up the phone" could not make people hang up the phone any faster.
This current heatwave should give Europeans a different perspective on why Arabs were trying to invade Europe centuries ago
One of the worst places to never have signal, is your bathroom.
I wonder if deaf people think in sign language
If you're in an argument with someone, then one of you ceases to exist, the survivor wins the argument?
There should be a silent song so a person can request silence on the juke box.
What if our fading memory
Suppose there's a Donald Trump zealot out there somewhere who has legally changed his name to Donald Trump. Then realize President Trump will claim any high crimes and misdemeanors were actually conducted by the zealot rather than himself.
I should really get new shampoo, this ones almost out.
Online ping measurement should be called pong
Your dog doesn’t know your name
If humans could fly, what would our cities look like?
What if the pencil tip was made the other way
They should make the bachelor but its a dog and 16 families are all competing to take him home.
Maybe the bright star the 3 wise man followed to jesus really wasnt a star but Mars
Maybe Raccoons...should really be called Mogwais.
When a girl has a mental breakdown and decides to buzz her hair off people say "Wow, something must be really wrong. We should se what's up" When a guy has a mental breakdown and decides to buzz his hair off people say "Wow, Jeff, you look good!"
The name ‘Tissue’ is actually a great name for a product that is made for people making a ‘Tissue’ (sneezing) sound.
If you carve your name into a palm tree, the people who see it are palm readers
It's been 25 years, but I still cannot hear "Stuck In The Middle With You" without thinking about Vic Vega cutting off that dude's ear
Audio book voice actors should get paid more for doing Sci Fi and Fantasy stories because of all the crazy vocabulary they have to say.
Toilet thoughts are more useful than shower thoughts, since we build up blood pressure and have epiphanies instead of our minds wandering.
You probably have way more Showerthoughts right before you wake up after your weird dreams. You just forget them the instant you wake up.
Its annoying when people say "why are the things I look for always in the last place I look" because they're in the last place you looked because YOU STOPPED LOOKING WHEN YOU FOUND THEM
Bullion cubes are just bath bombs for cooking.
A hot shower is arguably the most important luxury. It’s probably right on the line of necessity and luxury.
How was my young mind ever able to comprehend the concept of déjà vu?
You know in movies when average people look up in awe at superhero’s jumping between buildings? They feel the same way my dog does when we’re on a walk and a squirrel climbs over the fence and up a tree.
Back in the day we used to access the internet over a phone call. Today we do phone calls over the internet.
My wife is not fat, she just has a larger circumference.
It is ironic that most people who use the word ironic do not understand irony.
Driving when it's raining gives me infinite stress, but napping when it's raining gives me infinite calm.
If you carve your name into a palm tree, the people who see it are palm readers
What if the best day of your life already happened?
When deciding Left or Right Twix, is it from the front or the back of the package?
Which came first, the phone or the charger?
Uncrustables should make portable quesadillas
"Tissue" is actually a great name for a product that is made for people making such (sneezing) sounds.
My g-parents grew up in the depression and forever after hoarded food and let nothing go to waste. I grew up before broadband and save porn.
In prehistoric times reptiles ruled the world now in the modern age mammals do, does that mean next amphibians or others will rule the world next
Aren't the similarities between happenings in 'V for Vendetta' and the current state of government, society and media not shocking at all?
Is Christianity the Bible's Expanded Universe?
The question I feel like I been missing this whole time, it isn’t is the cat alive? Is that why there are windows on microwaves? No, why did schrodinger want to kill his cat?
If you born on an even numbered year you would be able to vote for the first time once you turn 18.
I honestly wouldn't mind letting mosquitoes have a little bit of my blood if they didn't leave itchy bumps on me and spread disease.
Saying you are mining bitcoin would be a great cover for growing weed.
Getting a bitch dog has forever ruined me saying 'good girl' on occasion to the wife.
I imagine of the most boring things as a parent is going to the cinema with your kid and watching those child movies for 12 years
Do you think God sits in heaven and thinks "that's not what it's called" when we discover a new species and name it?
As an atheist, my only fear of what happens after I die... Is that my older brother is standing with God screaming: "I told you faggot!"
How is it a true blockchain if it's patented?
The opposite of a G.O.A.T. (greatest of all time) should be a T.O.A.D. (terrible on any day).
The name "Tissue" is actually a great name for a product that is made for people making such (sneezing) sounds.
Whoever created electric fans, THANK YOU!
I’m my dog’s emotional support human.
Holding in your pee/poop is the best reward system
If time machines exist in the future, time travellers could teach us how to make a time machine and we would probably do the same thing by going in the past.
How can mirrors be real, if our eyes aren't real?
The "virgin" Mary was probably actually raped in her sleep 😥
Beavers can build a dam, can make lakes pop-up in a matter of time, cut down trees and accept rent from other animals; meanwhile I'm over here unable to even make my bed in the morning
What if . . .
If you get a snorkeling mask, you can have some great shower sexy times, and not drown.
If i lived everyday like it was my last, I would probably become so broke and so fat very fast
The fact that a blood red lunar eclipse is happening only a few days after Ivanka Trump announced she is shutting down her fashion brand is kinda unsettling.
If Donald Trump walked down the street by himself, people would probably think he was a really good Trump impersonator.
Watching Parts Unknown (Cuba episode) and I can’t stop crying. Hearing his intelligent, understanding voice is fucking me up.
McCain’s legacy will always be saving the most important legislation of his presidential opponent.
97% of scientists believe that global warming will be a huge threat to mankind unless we take drastic action to prevent it, but a large number of people don't believe it based on the word of the people who will lose money if we do.
The FDA using rappers to tell kids smoking is bad may not be the best idea, considering the number of rap songs about drug abuse and alcohol.
Clothes with rips in, do they make them from ripped material or do they rip them after... who gets paid to rip clothes?
What would the real life equivalent of reddit even be?
If I hit myself and it hurt, am I too weak or too strong?
I bet there is an A.A. (Alcoholics Anonymous) for gods, and our god has to go every week for creating this Universe.
Theoretically we should by now have been well-trained to adapt our thoughts-feelings and attitudes to social media algorithms.
Pictures of babies in baths is really just child porn
Body wash/Shampoo containers should include an average servings (washes!) indicator similar to many foods
“Be the person your dog thinks you are” When I think about this phrase I think if your dog thinks you’re awesome, you probably are awesome. I believe dogs can sense the true nature of someone.
People give fairy tales a lot of grief for being antifeminist, but Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty easily pass the Bechdel test.
The karma this post generates could've been yours if it didn't take this post to realise it.
I've never been to a "festival" back in my day, we went to raves, parties, shows, and concerts. Festivals are corporate and can fuck off
An “original version” of something could mean two opposite things - the first, original version of it and a new, original version of it
Four words you just never want to hear: "Why is this wet?"
If my dead grandparents are watching me jerk off from the afterlife, I hope my great-great-grandparents are there to remind them they did the same
Bert and Ernie are their nicknames, their real names are Robert and Ernest
Ever typed something random, realized it didn’t sound random, so you deleted it and redid it?
Are there gay men who watch straight porn and straight woman who watch gay porn?
What if we are all just characters in a novel and God is the author?
The drain would be more efficient on the opposite end of the shower head.
If it's true what Descartes said that we can never be absolutely certain what we're experiencing isn't a dream or a hallucination, then "I'm not sure" is never technically a lie.
While dead grandparents watch us jerk off from the afterlife, I hope our great-great-grandparents are there to remind them they did the same
Reddit is how society should be. Each community (subreddit) has both a defined list of agreed upon rules that strive to be fair to everyone and a team of authority figures with power to enforce them and remove anyone who refuses to abide by them.
With combining last names being more common with married couples, last names are going to start doubling in size every generation.
When we discover a new species of plant or animal and name it, God probably says "that's not what it's called".
Are astronauts from different countries considers aliens from outerspace?
The opening night of the My Little Pony movie is going to be an absolute shitshow.
Is the name ‘Tissue’ based on the sound of someone sneezing?
Shouldn't something called Watermelon be blue inside, not red?
What if when Thanos finally meets Lady Death and tells her of all the beings he's killed in her honor, she responds angrily with "So you're the butthole making all this damn paperwork for me!?"
At the current rate, “How am I not dead?” will be as common as “How are you?” in the near future.
How did the people who made the first clock know what time it is?
Sorting by NEW, the impulse to shit on shitty showerthoughts is an ugly one, even if the showerthought's shitty.
What if the reason why when we get older we become forgetful, emotionally detached, senile and have sicknesses like alzheimers is our bodys way of preparing us for death.
So in gaming there’s god at 2fort, god mode, god sword, etc., so is God like an awesome gamer?
When a number of minerals are processed and organised in a particular manner, I am able to see and talk to another person on the far side of the planet by holding some of them in the palm of my hand.
A zombie apocalypse sounds cool but I probably be one of those guys who get eaten in the opening credits.
Doesn't it suck when you turn into a person you dont even know because of all the pain you suffered? I was in a toxic relationship and i finally stood up today and left. Dont let other people tell you what to do and let them hurt you. If they dont want to change, they wont.
You are slowly cooking yourself when you take a bath
When we yawn would deaf people think we’re screaming?
Are women becoming "dog moms" in order to satisfy their biological desire to bear children?
If deapoool's head was cut off, would his head grow a new body? Or would his body grow a new head?
If seat belts are required by law, then why not make new cars not start until you fasten it?
I forgot a towel
Looking up lyrics to a song is really trying to find the mistakes in your own made up lyrics.
My clothes dryer rings a bell when it’s done, so why does the washing machine stay silent?
If there will be no stairs in the future, will we still say "downstairs"?
Is an octopus all arms or all legs?
If time is money, then how come I can't pay my property taxes in community service hours...
My children will never know the beauty of grinding in online games without loot boxes and micro-transactions
Since there are a handful of people with a condition allowing them to remember almost every event in their lives (HSAM), do they have a defect or are they more developed and the rest of us have the defect?
I would kill Stuart Little with my bare hands given the opportunity
I have been going for many years and I still have no idea if I’m buying my cat’s food from “pets mart” or “pet smart”.
Why aren't there quesadilla restaurants? We have burger places, taco trucks, whole cafes where all they do are crepes... a quesadilla is just as versatile.
The phrase “I have to clean my sheets” becomes infinitely more suspicious when you’re a teenager.
Las Vegas is in the middle of the desert, why is it not entirely solar powered?
If Chris Farley hadn’t passed away, he’d probably have all the roles Adam Sandler now gave Kevin James.
I wonder how many women, if any, got away with the “accuse of assault” scheme before the police started catching on.
Is a pop tart considered a ravioli?
If light can get brighter, can dark get darker?
Teaching kids to say "Excuse me" after they burp is telling them that it's okay to do bad things as long as they apologize.
How many “idiots that don’t know how to drive” are student drivers who actually don’t know how to drive?
if all had malt luck how could the state do it???????
As a kid, I always thought Velma’s struggles to find her glasses were entirely exaggerated. But as an adult with poor vision, I completely sympathize with her.
Wouldn’t it be cool if once you’ve walked to a location, you gain the ability to fast travel there?
It’s pretty ironic that paying with paper money doesn’t leave a paper trail
Maybe the deciding factor for life is not the temperature, but the rotation around it's centre star?
What if Rick Astley got royalties every time somebody got Rick rolled. . .
I always make sure to glance at my keyboard when I see another person make a typo to decide whether or not I deem it "acceptable"
Pee is stored in the balls and poop is stored in the cheeks
After watching a 46 second clip of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers as an adult, I understand why my attention span sucks so much.
If winning the lottery was worth less money, around 100k, but it was proportionally easier to win, would more or less people play?
I bet dinosaurs tasted horrible
Maybe flowers are beautiful not because they wither but because I think they're nice to look at
The most unlikely thing that could happen to a person is being born. Millions of generations of our ancestors had to swim ahead of all other sperms and also survive through drought, plagues, starvation and wars long enough to give birth, One step wrong and i wouldn't have been here.
Reddit is just another version of a theater with several people arguing in the center and the rest watching.
We had to rewind our VHS’s. DVDs promised us a rewind-free life. Then Blu-Rays asked us if we wanted to resume or start over. Now we have to manually scroll our Netflix content to the beginning. The future sucks
They should make a perfume that smells like the perfume section of a department store that smells like all perfumes.
We millennials aren't lazy. We're just busy repairing all the cultural/racial bridges most of the previous generations burnt down.
I can't decide what's worse: Working out so I can eat what I want or eating healthy so I don't have to work out.
After ruining a brand new white shirt, I wonder how many stains are on all my other clothes that I don't know about.
Why are the words ”put together” not put togheter
Reddit is one of very few places where you can get away with correcting random people's misspellings/sentences without being hated on.
Since everyone came from the same people at the start of humanity, everyone is related to Donald Trump.
Shower thoughts has an endless source.
My body and brain assembled themselves.
everything baby boomers say about millenianls is the same shit the silent generation said about them
It says a lot about me/the privileged life of I’ve lead that when I go out, I can’t leave an unfinished glass of alcohol on the table but have no qualm leaving a meal sized portion of food.
Isn't suicide self defense, because you were trying to kill the person who is trying to kill you?
Do you know what's depressing? Getting banned from r/depression for sincerely trying to stop people from spiraling.
I’ll bet I can pinpoint the moment every woman that’s left a Halloween party with a guy in a Wreck It Ralph costume regrets her decision.
People who show a passionate disdain for political correctness are still PC police, they just disagree with what the PC terms should be.
With the massive planned soy subsidies this would make Trump the Ultimate SoyBoy
There could be a post or comment out there that was 0 points, because 20k people up-voted it and 20k people down-voted it, and nobody would know
It blows my mind when I think that someone who is ~233 millions or more light years away from earth looks at earth, still sees dinosaurs.
We make fun of the old people that say “back in my day” or “when I was a kid” but soon we’ll become those people because of the way technology is progressing
Technically, its only illegal to get CAUGHT doing things, not to actually do them.
If cookies are baked and bacon is cooked, why arent the names switched yet??
Doing drugs is only illegal if you have a house.
Showerthoughts?
Saying that you’re “up” to do something and “down” to do something have the same meaning, even though “up” and “down” are opposites.
You subconsciously recite the keystroke "song" of your most used password in your head while you type it. I just caught myself doing this while logging into my PC.
I bet people brush and floss 1000x better and more often than they normally would right before a dentist appointment just to avoid their dentist's disappointment and judgement.
first Bourdain, now McCain. if death really comes in 3s look out for people with last names that end with "ain".
what would happen if eating more food allowed you to burn more calories and exercising made you gain more weight?
If God hates gays so much why did he make them so fabulous?
The children's picture bible is much more defendable than the actual bible.
If I’m forcing myself to be a better person everyday, I’ll just never be myself
The more you need a paper towel, the harder it is to pull from the dispenser
[thinking like an idiot] If the earth is flat, the sun should have a conical shape, like a conical bulb, otherwise it would be day at all times across the planet. So the sun is a cone!
If Humans have Voice boxes, do Dogs have Subwoofers?
If someone is getting interrogated and says "I didn't do nothin", that's technically an admission of guilt.
Fake news right now is just gossips gone wild
The best lazy rivers are reasonably active, and if it is truly lazy it probably isn't a river.
A show that had the word 'bad' in its title, never had a single bad episode.