What if the reason Donald Trump always goes to his properties and nowhere else is because he actually doesn't have a credit card due to American banks not willing to do business with him.
What if we are all the senate?
Black male pornstars should get their news from the BBC website.
Ants are probably attacking my bedroom in even higher quantities just to spite me and wage war for all their brethren I have personally killed.
If you’re ok at pretty much anything, you could move to the Vatican and be the best in the entire country
Isn't chillhop just jazz?
If we ran out of diamonds, rappers done cornered the jewelry market.
Imagine if a really unusually tall , coated man with a hood over his head came to the cinema asking to see a 18+ film and it just turns out its about 70 crabs in a trench coat
Double-blind studies are just researchers researching researchers research.
There could be a post or comment out there that has 0 points, because it has 20k up-votes and 20k down-votes, and nobody would know
People complain about how obesity and the alcohol/drug crisis are financially draining the world, but it would be more financially draining if all these people were to live to their full life expectancies.
If a cat's life is saved by medical intervention, has it used up one of nine lives?
A bathroom with no toilet paper is like a gun with no ammo
Double-blind studies consist of researchers researching researchers research...
You'll probably see the atheists wearing the religion's mask to change the norms of religions
Why do people play fortnite? It’s actually one of the most basic games.
There’ll come a time to when Millennials are seen as Baby Boomers are today
All of the money I spent on toilet paper ended up going right down the toilet, but it was a good investment.
When the application asks if you want to send an error report and you are like "totally"...then they ask for additional info its like *sigh* I'm out
You can’t pick your mother,father,brother,sister but you can pick who to call family.
Why is a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in.
A person who says "I didn't ask to born", was the same sperm that deliberately raced and won its way into the egg!
Theres no one on earth who has no accent
I wonder if flies ever get paranoid about someone being out to get them.
What if every déjà vu is You returning to a checkpoint after You've died?
In pokemon if we breed a bunch of pokemon that don’t exist in that region (Ex: charmander in alola) and release them in that region we are introducing new species into a ecosystem they don’t belong in, potentially endangering some species.
We could say "I'm Not A Lawyer" (INAL), but we insist on saying "I Am Not A Lawyer" (IANAL).
I feel like every time we discover a tribe with no access or knowledge of other modern civilizations, we also happen to change their belief system when flying helicopters over them.
I have never seen any of my bones and I'm more than ok with that.
When the pope drops a monster deuce...
Somewhere in the multiverse, someone is describing our universe as a ludicrous example.
Farting while showering, is always a wet fart.
Current state of the GOP: The danger of a political party where everyone pretends to be an idiot, is it attracts a certain kind of people. And after some time you won't be able to tell who is an idiot or who is just pretending to be one.
Trump is Michael Scott(Meaner version?), thinks he is the best president(boss) ever, thinks he makes the best deals, thinks coal(paper) will be around forever, Melania(Jan?) is not a fan, lot of parallels...
If I ran as much as my mind did I'd be in alot better shape.
Can you play pc games on an iPhone X?
All astronauts after the first people in space should be called afternauts
The Holocaust should have been named Exodus 2
Everyone's all about saving trees from being made into paper products, but nobody says a word about saving trees from becoming popsicle sticks and wooden ice cream spoons.
In English we spell 4 as four, but instead of spelling 40 as fourty we spell it forty.
Isn’t it weird that Mercedes has 3 Es all pronounced differently
Maybe BMWs actually use Blinker Fluid and because everyone thinks it's fake it means BMW owners don't know they are actually out of Blinker Fluid.
I should buy more soap.
If you think about it, what if Jesus did come back to life but every person that did say it was, was treated like a crazy guy just saying nonsense?
If lemons are actually just hybrids of a bitter orange and a citron, does that make lemonade dilute, sweetened orange/citron juice?
I always thought a meme was a memorable, popular, viral, internet thing - But i know realize people have turned it into a photo with text on it...
Since we all came from the same people at the start of humanity, my girlfriend is actually my sister.
We should have another Dark Ages so that we would also have another Renaissance.
Is roasting someone for having a small dick body shaming?
Saying to your girlfriends parents that you regularly creampie their daughter is socially unacceptable, however saying that youre "Trying for a baby" is met with congratulation.
Do Billionaires ever have to run to Walmart or Target for some things or do they have fancy stores for the basics?
Did Sasha and Malia’s friends ever beg them to get Obama to get rid of homework?
Does Mike Wazowski wink or blink?
Some of my organs are recyclable... the others are just compost when I die
Schools should let out early immediately after they hold drills, so would-be shooters can't take advantage of them.
NASCAR sounds like a person with a Southern accent saying “nice car”
Netflix keeps record of what you’ve watched... they should have a random movie button that will shuffle them and choose a film you haven’t watched.
If you were to show a picture of a crowd at an event to people back in the 1990’s they would have thought “Wow everyone gets a personal TV to watch the event!” When in reality—they’re mostly on their phones not paying attention
When ever I think of wind, I think of different things being blown to the right. Never the left.
If you say “I’m a bad parent” you’re probably a good parent and if you say “I’m a good parent” you’re probably a bad parent
I always get annoyed at a game that doesn’t allow third person but it’s never bothered me in real life.
were taught e at the and of a word makes a letter say its name. like in name it makes the A say ay and not ah. but in some like come its oddly different. instead it makes o say uh and no oo. so it can sound like c-uh-m.
Imagine if everyones name had alliteration, The world would be a lot more funnier
Seeing back to school ads still upsets me to this day even when I am not in school
What if you had one big nostril instead of two small ones?
"Salmonella" sounds like it should be a tasty Italian dish, not food poisoning. And don't get me started on "genitalia."
What if dogs only chase their tail because it's itchy?
You can always pick who to call family.
If you yell "learn to drive!" at a student driver, is that an insult or an encouragement?
As a kid, school being delayed was the best thing ever. As an adult, pretty much anything being delayed is the worst thing ever.
An artist should make some renderings of what the founding fathers of America would look like wearing everyday Dad/Grandpa type of attire.
When someone is doing well at something we might say they are “in the zone.” If someone is zoning out of say, a lecture, really well, are they in the zone or not?
If everyone in the world mailed me a penny, it would have a very little effect on their bank account and a large impact on mine.
A book is just a remix of the dictionary
I really thought getting amnesia was something that we would have to deal with more often in life.
Everyone likes their own posts on reddit
assisted suicide is just legal murder
For some reason I will always be more inclined to believe something happened if I hear it happened at Australia.
In the future VR servers will literally censor you in real time, to a point where you try to curse and you will hear a bleep over your curse.
Imagine becoming famous but everything you ever said in online games is leaked to the press.
Imagine the stories you'd hear if a dollar bill could talk.
Saying Fuck the Police while adding a hidden cop's location to Waze is about as gangster as I'll ever get.
They're called number plates despite the fact they're at least half letters.
What if the brain is just a parasite that embeds itself into our heads at birth and has a symbiotic relationship with our body. It gets blood and nourishment, and in return it helps guide us and keep us safe from danger.
I wonder if Spanish speakers have a harder time navigating the trans/ non-binary culture in a conversation since everything in their language is generally feminine/masculine.
How much mail could a black male mail if a black male could black mail?
Without lying I can actually claim to be co-owner of a billion dollar company.
music makes the bitter in my life sweeter and easier to swallow
If we all cane from the same people at the start of humanity, does that make my girlfriend my sister?
I need to fix my water pressure.
Shopping carts should require practical tests to be able to use.
If I were to buy every single item at Target how much would that cost?
Imagine if hair goes colourful except of white in old age !!!?
6 years after graduation from college with work experience in the field, I can finally apply for “entry level” jobs.
Is there and Old Zealand?
What if the corporations wanted people to not believe in santa so they would buy gifts, and so he lost his power, and now the only gifts he can leave are pennies on the sidewalk?
We should be really thankful animals (pets mainly) dont masturbate like people
My personal solution to avoiding late life regrets
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sound really fun- if you don’t know what either of those things are
As much as I use my phone and computer, I’ve never seen either of them in any of my dreams
If someone says they "didn't mean to", they're really saying they don't want there to be consequences for their actions.
I bet royals never get a pajama day...
I want to be comfortably broke.
Doing drugs is only illegal if you have a place to live
If I'm allergic to cats am I also allergic to tigers?
If you didn't have enough time for a test, was the test too long or too short?
I wonder what whales think when they jump out of the ocean and see a whole different world that they can’t explore?
Today's equivalent of my girlfriend goes to a different school, you wouldn't know her, would be my girlfriend isn't on social media.
Why are children’s lullaby’s so violent? Rockabye baby is about a baby falling out of a tree and dying.
Whenever seeing or hearing anything related to the Grand Canyon I have to think of the Simpsons movie, Tom Hanks and this random Family, FFS.
What if the Red Cross is really just a bunch of vampires and by “saving a life” you’re really just giving Dracula his daily vitamins when you donate blood?
I don't know any girl named Kiki, but I'm sure you exist out there and I feel really sorry for you
Fuck, I'm gonna have to buy some more shampoo soon.
When you shower the cleanest part of your body are your hands
We have “good morning,” “good afternoon,” and “good evening,” but what about noon?
im too high aint i
What if copy and paste were single buttons rather than CTRL+C CTRL+V...
there’s that moment when you realize your parents aren’t superheros. Do you think they have that moment where they realize their kid isn’t special and maybe even actually a little stupid?
I wanted an Amazon echo to help keep me on task and in order. I now realize my wife has been doing this allready the past 20 years.
The strangest thing about watching Fight Club today is that Edward Norton then is three years younger than I am now.
I wonder if my PC knows I’m shopping online for a Mac...
there’s that moment when you realize your parents aren’t superhero’s, But I wouldn’t be surprised if they have that moment where they realize their kid isn’t special and maybe even actually a little stupid
If an infinite number of parallel universes exist, every decision you make that could have a remotely dangerous outcome means you died from that decision in another universe.
Were there fish in Noah's Ark, or did they stay in the water?
Why Does This Sound Different In My Head as opposed to this
Instead of a gas station selling 9/10 a gallon, why doesn't someone sell a full gallon for just a couple cents more?
Russian trolls are probably just conservatives pointing out logic to the incompetent.
I really hope I've already experienced the worst day of my life.
I feel like as soon as we develop technology in a cheap way to break down all the language barriers in the world, we will have a lot more compassion for one another and won’t see ourselves as so separate and different.
Shower thoughts could just as easily be toilet thoughts but more people are probably reading r/showerthoughts on the toilet.
What sort of sounds/movement does a baby experience when a pregnant mother farts? Is it like an earthquake in there?
YIAY by Jacksfilms is just the YouTuber version of r/AskReddit
Is soldier 76 fighting in the war from the new fallout game?
I was into my mid-thirties before I realized pet 'dander' and human 'dandruff' are in any way related.
Horror movies should include a blooper section to help people relax before bed
What if North Korea is the evil real world version of Wakanda?
I used to base my favourite food on taste. Now my favourite is whatever I can eat while still browsing on my phone.
MY LITTLE PONY THEME SONG
With the insane amount of arcade games that have been proven to be rigged, they should be classified as underage gambling.
If you step on a fruit loop then are you a cereal killer?
Telling someone in recovery from addiction that it's no big deal and they're just doing what they should've in the first place is like telling someone who lost a lot of weight that it's no big deal, they shouldn't have been fat in the first place.
The phrase "I didn't do nothing" is a great piece of bad English because it allows one to simultaneously lie and tell the truth
Seems like Forrest Gump should have been a first round draft pick in the NFL.
100% of "successful" phishing attempts have been sent by my employer. Good job?
If 'you are what you eat', am i eating Beef or Corn/grass/straw?
Pretty much every time I take my dog in the car, we go to the dog park, so every time I leave him home alone, he probably thinks I’m going to the dog park without him.
People have shower thoughts, so what about shower fantasies?
Did I shampoo my hair already?
If there exist an infinite number of worlds such as a multiverse, then there is also 100% chance everything happened. The second you come up with a new story about anything, it already happened in another universe
If my son was a bat I would have to tell him to listen to where he is going.
If pinnochio said "i tell a lie" would would happen to his nose.
When we yawn, do deaf people think we're screaming?
If mosquitos are the “flying dirty needles” of the insect world, then gnats are the Kamikaze pilots. Seriously, my eye is the best spot for you? WHY.
All I want is just over 9000 karma
Considering that human testicles operate at 2.5-3°C lower than body temperature, people should use another body part to convey that it is really hot.
if my thumbs were transparent I would be way better at mobile games
My phone has better health insurance than I do.
FIFA just made more money off England wearing the wrong socks and Croatia drinking the wrong water than I make in two years.
The age of consent and the age of criminal responsibility should really be the same
I wonder if it would be a shortcut for A.I engineers to grow animals/humans in a lab and then just use an implant to turn their brain into an A.I. Artificially Modifying Intelligence.
Why do we have bun length hot dogs but not hot dog length buns?
What if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
The Outlook "meeting is in 15/10/5 minutes" alerts should have a different sound than the "it's NOW" sound
I feel like the G-man is the closest thing to a wizard that the 'Half-Life' series is going to get.
Instead of using a plunger to unclog toilets, there should be a pump/device connected downstream to the clog (i.e. pipes toilet drains into) that can create a suction or negative pressure to relieve the obstruction. This would prevent having to get your plunger dirty with excrement every time
My misspelling of inconvenient is always inconvenient.
The older I get, Space Cowboys (2000) becomes less entertaining and more inspirational.
Those people who read the T&C at the end of radio advertisements would make great rappers! Why dont we ever hear of one who made it?
I was thinking, when a cure for death and old age is found like all things i.e. Medication, it likely won't work on everyone.
Gyms should offer a mandatory class on how to correctly use equipment when you sign up for a membership.
The Guinness Book of World Records has gone from acts that were impressive to break to things no one should ever do.
After endangering the life of so many species on earth, one would think we should be able to erase the fucking mosquitoes from this planet...
Why do we still read the tldr even if we read the whole text?
What if spiders spend their entire life in our rooms thinking we are there friend and roommate and when we try kill them they get really upset and think we don't care about them no more
There should be international laws on what you are allowed to do when you stand in a queue like going to the toilet one time without getting your place taken
Google should start allowing reviews of entire cities.
I'm going to be very disappointed if The Fast & The Furious 10 doesn't have the tagline "Fast Ten Your Seatbelts."
Acting in porn is one of the few jobs where saying "fuck me" is the indicator of a good day.
Whoops, almost dropped the soap.
Why is the best pineapple meat closest to the rind but the best part of a watermelon is the center?
If you met someone who had a 1st place medal for pickpocketing, could you ever be sure they actually won it?
Condemning someone to actually go to hell on a real level should be treated as a hate crime against non-believers.
Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
Samsung should buy Apple
Why is it that whenever you ask a stranger to take your picture on vacation, he's always the one guy who's never used an iPhone before?
Social Media should somehow require a breathalyzer to use it.
If Batman only comes out a night, wouldn't it be save for criminals to just do crime at daytime?
Football fans shouldn't want football to be 'coming home', they should want their team to stay where they are for as long as they can!
Does anyone purposely get bitten by mosquitos just so that they can scratch them?
I have noticed that when a soccer (futbol) team is ahead, their susceptibility to injury approached 1, however if they are behind in the game, they never seem to writh in pain on the grass no matter how badly they got hit...
Instead of endangering so many species on earth, can we just erase the fucking mosquitoes from the planet ?
Small wonder our grandparents ask us about “Internet me-me’s” seeing how they are literally known as The Me Generation
What if someone time travels, but stays in the same place. They'd just die in space since the earth wouldn't be there.
Does anyone ever use plain Monterey Jack cheese?
Technically, Elon Musk is a legitimate African-American.
Tell me why Leonardo DiCaprio is rated #1 in top ten dad bods.... but he isn't. A DAD.
Big box stores that sell microwaves should have a button that allows the consumers to hear each reminder alert (for when you’ve forgot food inside) before purchasing.
With 100 bottles of beer on wall, getting passed around, how did everyone not get mono?
Why is a mans penis usually the darkest part of his body when it gets the least sunlight
Did ricky martin change the lyrics to his songs from men to women to make them more appealing to hetrosexuals?
EMS is one of the only jobs where saying "I hope I don't see you again" is acceptable.
It annoys me how people only hip fire their weapons in fps gameplay trailers
What if I had a twin who died in the womb before the ultrasound scan, and nobody ever knew?
If grey clouds are stormy, white clouds are cloudy, what would red clouds be?
I bet all the train metaphors for the mind (train of thought, one-track-mind, off the rails, etc.) came about when trains first became popular and people spent their long rides thinking about trains.
While I was in school, the root was at the bottom of the tree.
What if Moses parting the Red Sea was a euphemism for having sex?
Why aren't gutter guards standard to the design of a gutter?
I'm at a point in my life where $100 is a lot to give, but isn't a lot to receive.
The phrase “II have to clean my sheets” becomes far more suspicious when you become a teenager.
If I were born 20 years earlier I'd be a great man or dead/in jail.
Since smart phones were invented, the average poop time has probably increased significantly
If our vision distance is infinite, and there is nothing on our way on Earth, would we see ourselves?
Half of all people are of above-average physical attractiveness, but I probably only really notice the top 5%. Maybe I'm too picky.
If Anna has apples,apples has Anna?
What if fat people are so hated because our brains are stuck in a past evolutionary phase where someone who ate more than you was better off in life?
I like the idea of male phonesex operator, who also has a problem with premature ejaculation.
Do our pets understand light switches or do they think the world lights up when we enter a dark room?
What if we are the artificial intelligence?
What I used to justify as me being "mysterious" and "aloof" in situations where I meet new people was really just unaddressed social anxiety.
People are not even responsible with regular cars, why would we want flying cars in our cities?
If Bitcoin is supposed to be the future of money why do you need money to buy it?
If what you think happens when you die is what actually happens, a lot of people are damning themselves by saying "I'm going to Hell for this" without knowing.
I wish there was a TripAdvisor for bugs. I would make sure my house had horrible reviews so they would never come to visit.
Gyms should have a membership option that charges every day you don’t attend, that way people who struggle to get to the gym could find financial motivation to stay in shape.
Sex daily is made by rearranging the letters in dyslexia. Strange coincidence.
You should never be normal, you should be yourself.
Why aren’t garbage bags waterproof?
What if the songs "Let the bodies hit the floor" and "its raining men" are about the same event, just from different perspectives?
There should be toilet paper next to urinals so dudes don't have to worry about getting pee in their underwear.
Arab names have too many vowels, and nordic names have too many consenants
If you stop a video after 2 minutes on Netflix they know it’s bad, if you do on a porn site they know it’s good
???
“Trojan” is probably the worst name for condoms, considering the opposing army got inside the wall easily
I feel that people have developed a passive-aggressive way to claim they’re better than the rest of the world when they share they’re vegan on social media
Is A Coma Just An Extended Version of Sleep Paralysis?
Is it bad for my speakers to play "Pumped up kick earrape" at max volume?
Wasps are gigantic assholes, they dont die when they sting, they eat your fruit, they dont make honey or wax, and theyre agressive as hell.
If milk was called cow juice, it would be less appealing
As much as I use my smartphone, I dont think I've ever seen it on my dreams.
“Overlook” and “Oversee” have opposite meanings, while “look” and “see” mean the same thing.
The person who created the word dyslexia with the same letters that spell sex daily is a genius.
In the US you're allowed to drive before you are allowed to have sex
Lube should be billable to health insurance as a preventative treatment for prostate cancer
Would the simulated person in a game of human life be real or not?
I wonder if dinosaurs tasted like chicken.
The most advanced 3d printers have existed since the beginning of life on Earth. It goes by the more well known name: reproduction. Results may vary.
If Thor took Groot as an elective at Asgard Prep, then Groot’s English name very well could be “Tree”
I can get from Penzance to Pyongyang by rail
If you think about it, mods are just normal reddit users. They go through reddit all day and critique posts. The only differrnce is that the mods have actual power.