Take My Breath Away could be about a panic attack
Water parks should have similar booths as spray tans, but with sunscreen.
Why does apple juice slugged directly from the carton at 3am just taste the best?
President Trump talks like old people text; a bunch of seperate condensed sentences that could have all been sent as one.
When I forget to take my anti-depressant before drinking, I stop and take a sip of water with it, like that's better. It's not.
If you’re a chicken farmer then your job is to raise cocks.
I wonder what happened the first time a bee and a wasp met
Extremely tall people should just wreck the shit out of whoever tries to make fun of them.
During the time of Noah’s ark, were all the aquatic species saved?
The longevity of the GameCube Controller is more than that of both World War I and II combined.
Cars should have two different types of horn sounds. One for the car in front of you. The 2nd one for the car in front of the 1st car.
Make masturbation should be considered just as sinister as abortion
Adulthood is being given the privilege to push the shopping cart.
Grand theft auto is one of the biggest, if not the biggest reason why I know many classic rock songs by heart
What if all animals know when they are being watched, and those silly mating rituals are just a ruse to mess with us?
My little sister's school stopped teaching cursive. To her the Declaration of Independence is written in a language she can't read.
Do twins ever debate about which one of them was technically ‘unplanned’?
If you only listen to throwback music now, what will you "throwback" to in the future?
If something is called: "more than perfect" it's technically not perfect and therefore worse than perfect.
Radio listener statistics must be heavily influenced by dogs left at home during the day while the owners are at work
Probably worth taking a moment to appreciate how good it is that we dont have nerve endings in our fingernails or hair
When someone's dick gets hard, the rest of his body gets smaller. The blood has to come from somewhere
"I never exaggerate" is most likely an exaggeration
True irony is that the word 'iron' doesn't contain a y.
American politics have becomes the best reality show on TV
If camo clothing is meant to help you blend into your surroundings, aren’t Hawaiian shirts technically camouflage?
Shower “ass” thought
I’m socially awkward. Knowing that you know that I know that makes it a little better.
Many of what we now consider great classical/renaissance artworks were originally created for the same purpose as the porn of today.
The difference between pooping at home and pooping at work is I get paid to poop at work
I used to hate pickles when I was younger, now as an adult I love them; it's as if my body was an app, and through an update, it now supports pickles.
Vimto is almost spelt like vomit which is why it puts me off.
A pregnancy test is the only medical test where the same answer can be the best news or the worst news
If what was recently discovered about the Catholic Church in Pennsylvania was also happening at Goodwill or McDonald’s, would they still be in business?
You should never say never. Unless you're telling someone not to say never, in which case you may say never four times.
The word "Fuck" is the MSG for language. It makes everything more intense like "Fuck yeah" for positve, or "Fuck no" for negative.
Given what Poseidon's kiss is, I think I just tea-bagged Poseidon.
Tru irony is that the word 'iron' doesn't contain a y.
The phrase "Nothing is better than you" can mean two very different things: Either you are the single greatest thing in the world OR it is better to have absolutely nothing than to have you.
You can change the song "Open Arms" by Journey to "Broken Arms" for a uniquely reddit experience.
A shower head is the exact opposite of a hair dryer
The difference between a plant and a weed is whether or not you like them.
I wonder how many people have accidently matched with their family members on tinder
Is the song Return of the Mack the third in a trilogy?
The real rite of passage into adulthood is adding new contacts to your phone with both first and last names.
The universe is expanding... but I can't find a parking space
If the things happening at the Catholic Church in Pennsylvania were also found to be happening at Goodwill or McDonald’s, I doubt they would still be in business.
The Beatles probably caused an entire generation to misspell the word "beetle" at least once
r/Showerthoughts seems like a great place to farm karma
Someone should invent an app
clouds are just god vaping
The song Return of the Mack should be the third in a trilogy.
Instead of being zero years old at birth, what if they started us at the average death age and counted us down
Eyelashes exist to keep things out of our eyes, but almost every time I have something in my eye, its an eyelash.
I cant remember when i learned how to order eggs at a restaurant
Breakfast should have a pudding course like all the other meals of the day.
Why is there an L in Noel when there is NOEL?
If Lego should be pronounced 'Legos' then Legoland would be pronounced 'Legosland'. But its not.
We didn’t chose to be born so why shouldn’t we be allowed to chose die?
I'm going to open my eyes... And somethings gonna be right there.
Do regular dogs see police dogs and think “Oh no it’s a cop” ?
I-35 in Kansas is littered with black jelly bean plants from all the black jelly beans I throw out the window as I'm driving
Tow truck drivers should also be trained as first responders, could save alot of lives.
When you hold your hands together which hand are you feeling?
Has enyone actually ROLLED their tongue?
What if ghosts are real but they decided not to haunt us because our lives are already miserable?
If bedbugs are found in beds, then cockroaches should be found on cocks.
I wonder what event would have to happen to standardize driving sides and road rules world wide.
What if mathematicians made it so you added and subtracted before multiplying and dividing?
men, if a woman likes to watch big brown bears shitting in the woods, you should probably not go on a date with her.
men, if, on the first date, a woman wants to take you to the woods and watch a big brown bear take a shit, you should probably not do a 2nd date with her.
When I am eating sunflower seeds, I get super satisfied when I come across one without the shell, but for some reason, it's not as satisfying to eat a bag of shelled seeds.
I wonder how many calories a pornstar burns a video. Can that count as my daily excercise?
If you are 20 and you go back in time by 25 years, would you be -5 at that particular time?
My dog probably doesn't know that we open the sliding door for him. He scratches at the glass and doesn't look up when we open it up.
I dare you to look up a mental illness and tell me that shit doesn't read like a horoscope.
If you put weapons on your legs, would they be armed?
watching that download bar fill up and finish downloading just satisfies the hell out of me
Laziness is known by your relationship with the things you should do but don't want to do
We should be saying run from your death instead of saying run for your life
Correctly inserting USB in it's slot in first attempt is underrated and should be actively appreciated.
I don't know who david levit is but i want to punch him in the face
If a half bath is a sink and toilet would that make two sinks and two toilets a whole bath?
Seinfeld is Friends with more Jews.
Bathroom quality is directly proportional to toilet paper quality.
Shit always rolls downhill... until it hits the fan
Likely 50% of comments on Reddit are made while someone is shitting.
Would it make more sense to submit our resumes in JSON/XML—given....you know, the lack of humans that read them?
The best drinking game you've ever played could also be the worst drinking game you've ever played.
That new Matt Groening show coming out Friday should be called "Pastorama"
Do kids still sing the diarrhoea song?
Without reposts, reddit would be very very dead.
I take long showers.
What if think in a a babbling/gibberish language when they're first born and that's why when they start making noises, it's not their family's language?
Bill Clinton denying a sex scandal is the modern day equivalent of Mary and Joseph saying Jesus was an immaculate conception
Volcanoes are giant earth zits
Reddit is the Facebook for introvert
The sentence "I want to kill some kids" is only appropriate when referring to playing Fortnite.
If we were to not have had my birthday in the calendar, since the earth’s creation, we would be approximately 12 million years further forward. I suppose I’m holding you guys back ;)
Spendthrift sounds like a miser but it means the complete opposite.
I wonder if I’ve ever spent the same coin/note twice.
In my city, minivans are the Jewish equivalent of a clown car.
If the US treasury only knew how much more common a $20 bill would be than a $1, given ATMs, they probably would have reserved that honor for George Washington. Also, they should've put their least liked president on the $10. $10s are no where to be found when you need one.
If time stopped right now, you would never know it until it started passing again.
Triscuits are basically salty versions of frosted mini wheats
Your feet never stay clean for more than a few minutes because when you get out of the shower, you step right where you stepped with your dirty feet getting in.
When serial killers decide to commit suicide, do they make one of those killers walls for themselves with photos of themselves connected by red yarn?
There should be a word for when you’re talking and the radio or tv says the last word you just said.
Dog food companies should take a page from the cereal companies and put a toy or a bone at the bottom of the bag.
Girl scouts is just a cookie brand name that gets away with child labor
Do Rappers intentionally buy pants a few sizes too short so when they sag their pants, they fit?
Is Jay Pharoah hitting on me in that wix commercial?
Somewhere, there is a person who is actually the best in the world at mowing lawns
Do kids still sing the diarrhoea song? If not, I wonder when it died out.
Being the oldest person in the world, means that all the people that were alive when you were born, are now dead.
If angels are children of God and Jesus was too, then Lucifer (the devil) and Jesus are brothers
You say you know something like the back of your hand.. but how well do people really know the backs of their hands?
Considering humans have an unbroken tube through the centre from mouth to anus... we are basically a sentient doughnut.
I hate that new style of Honda pickup truck so much that I don't even think I could be friends with someone that owns one
I wonder if "Comments are disabled" should be "Comments are differently abled."
I’ve severely missed the mark on the importance solving Tangrams (™) has and will play in my adult life.
If the hunger games were real, there would be plenty of suicidal or psychopathic teens to volunteer in each district.
We’re only a month away from the next 7.11 free slurped day. I feel like the last one was two weeks ago...
I wonder if there are any worms that are claustrophobic?
It’s raining here. What do all the mosquitos do when it’s pouring? I imagine if I was a mosquito I would be absolutely terrified of being nailed by a terminal velocity drop of water that weighs more than me. It would be like the apocalypse with meteorites raining down on us or something.
If you rape a prostitute, is it shoplifting?
If you steal a piece of steel, does it become known as a stole?
We should start a Kickstarter to send the world's most influential flat-earther into orbit, put him in a space suit, and get his reaction when we cut the tether.
Ads that try to disguise themselves as "content" have given me an even more discerning eye and made me more distrustful of advertisements; thereby achieving an opposite effect vs. the intent of their creation.
What if rain fell in bucketfuls at random times and places instead of a steady stream of droplets.
Vet bills are almost as expensive as our medical bills. Why doesnt pet health insurance exist?
Do you ever use the bathroom during work hours and think, I'm literally getting paid to poop?
What If the planets are organs of a larger entity and we humans are the cancer killing one of its organs
Is eating seeds plant abortion?
You can easily get things to say to someone you dislike by posting a picture of them on r/roastme
Everytime I Bend Oregon I get Deschutes...
The reason they are called fat cats is because everyone else is in the rat race.
Reddit notifications have given us celebrity-phone feel.
It’s therapeutic for therapists to routinely see a therapist, and for that therapist to see a therapist, and so on and so forth. That can only mean there is a final boss therapist that has all the answers.
Someone, somewhere, has randomly came across an embarrassing video of their loved one on reddit
An apple is an apple, until it isn't, in which case shower thoughts likes to sensor the topic.
Transgenders are PMO's (phenotypically modified organisms)
Handmaids Tale is a dystopian story, only to feminists.
Reddit turned the "old" format into the regular format, without forcing you to go into the "new" format. Hmm, I wonder why?
Baseball might be more interesting if the direction of the baserunners was dictated by the dominant hand of the batter.
At a certain level of sexual misconduct, Catholicism will be known as a cult instead of a religion.
What if mazes with multiple exits are from the maze creators who got lost so they made a new exit
Whenever I try doing a Jamaican accent very badly I always wind up sounding Irish and the same is true vice-versa.
If you think about it, when you use the bathroom at work, you're technically getting paid to poop.
In the Pokemon universe, are the creatures named after the sounds they make, or have they learned to scream the names people gave them?
Reddit Gold is the internet equivalent of giving money to street performers.
When you reverse Neil Armstrong's name, you get Gnorts Mr. Alien
Donald Trump is Dr. Evil
The 'tis' in old english was just an intentional meme misspelling of 'its', like 'the' to 'teh'.
I couldn’t care less and I couldn’t care more means the same thing.
I became an adult the day I had both the freedom to eat McDonald's everyday and the good sense not to.
Donald Trump is actually Dr. Evil
Louie C.K. didn't do anything genuinely harmful.
If god exists some catholic priests have a problem
Donald Trump is the Michael Scott of American Presidents.
If @RickandMorty references and /or parodizes TV shows ,movies etc. Will Rick find his wife in some quantum universe like @AntMan and the wasp ? #ShowerThoughts
It’s inevitable that the Great White Shark will be renamed some day. Probably to something like The Not-So-Great-Racist White Shark
Saying I could care less is like saying I could ask for more, except no one says the latter
If someone kills a robot, it's not really murder. If someone kills a robot under the belief it was a real human, wouldn't that be?
On planets where the main life forms live in the sea do they have to learn how to walk on land like we have to learn to swim?
I am constantly reminding myself that I had asparagus yesterday.
Wouldn't Chicken of the Sea be Tilapia not Tuna?
When I see a distance sign on the highway, say 2 miles until an exit, I look at it rather as a time frame of time left on the highway as to how fast I’m driving rather than the actual distance.
If there are infinite realities, wouldn't there be a reality where someone destroyed all realities?
You should never be afraid of being different, but neither should you ever be afriad of being ordinary.
What if the light people see when they’re dying is the light they see as they exit they’re mothers womb as they’re being reborn in their next life.
When actors/actresses do different accents for movies, do they have trouble remembering how to use their own voice?
33 years into life and I'm still convinced I can watch a movie at night and rest my eyes between scenes for a little refresher
How come a father can refer to their son as "son", but it sounds weird if they started calling a daughter "daughter"?
Amy Winehouse should have probably gone to rehab instead of saying "no, no, no"
If insects are more scared of me than I am of them, why don’t humans bite insects. And if we had a comparison of our size to them, we would bite the giant
When you die I hope they show you the thing you could have been best in the world at
If space is a whole bunch of nothingness forever growing. What is it growing into...?
Are parents who give their child the marshmellow test failing their own marshmellow test?
I need to buy more shampoo tomorrow.
What does human tongue taste like?
I don't need to use toilet seat covers because everyone else is already using them.
The Beatles song “can’t buy me love” is a song about buying someone’s love...
How do you know that you’re not a human clone?
Since we don't know the purpose of life, what is the purpose of death?
Those who commit suicide were either destined to do so or they constantly fuck up everyone else’s destinies.
What makes something a breakfast food?
If Job Ads Say "Must Be Fluent In *Language* Why Don't They Just Make The Whole Thing In That Language, So Only People Who Can Genuinely Speak That Language Can Apply?
People forget that when you call someone a 'pussy', you are saying they are meek like a little frightened cat and not a vagina.
Bidets should be more popular considering if you got poo on any other part of your body, simply wiping it off dry wouldn’t suffice.
The words First, Second, Third, Fifth and Ninth don't contain the word they represent in them but almost every other number-word does
All the species are governed by the survival instinct, so suicide contradicts the basic principle of any living being.
What if life on other planets evolved to create sufficent energy from just their Sun. Maybe the reason we've never been contacted is because aliens are terrified of how most life on this planet is designed to eat other life forms.
Americas version of the Autobahn is called the Freeway because it's the same thing but enhanced with freedom
We should tell TV advertisers that playing video games isn't randomly pressing buttons on a pad.
Does anybody else think that “Dove for Men” should be called “Dave”?
It would be a real time-saver in the morning if shampoo tasted as good as it smells
what if the mirror had been lying the whole time and we don’t look like what we thought we looked like and are actually really ugly
You can upvote this post with your penis. Trust me, it works.
"A fraction of the cost" could mean more than the original cost if the numerator is larger than the denominator.
Do you water on your toothbrush before or after the toothpaste?
“I’m down for anything” and “I’m up for anything” have the same meaning, while sounding like opposites.
Ironically, Donald Trump Did End Up Draining The Swamp
Hibernation is the "vote to skip" of the animal kingdom
we buy pepper spray in the hopes that we never have to use it.
A fraction of the cost could mean that it costs more if the top of the fraction is larger than the bottom.
If you think about it, the earth is a pretty exclusive club. Out of thid gisnt universe theres only 7 billion of us here.
Uber is banned in the country where it gets its name from their language
"Do you even know what condescending means?" Is a very condescending thing to ask.
In all likelihood, after being randomly shuffled no 2 decks of cards has had the same exact order as a result for all 52 cards.
What if the only reason old people drive slowly is because all those who drove fast have died in car accidents?
Is it appropriate to call the peel of a banana the foreskin?
Most ball sports include the word ball for example; Basketball, Volleyball, Handball, Football etc but, tennis is not called tennisball.
What if parallel universes are the inputs to a machine learning algorithm and we are the projected output?
Maybe the hurricane getting ready to hit Hawaii will help stop the lava flow and cool everything off?
There was probably at least one kid playing xbox who wasn’t lying about their threat of getting someone banned through their dad who worked for Microsoft
Someday, all our memes will be considered dad jokes.
If you are dependent on a timezone where it is earlier, you are living in a future where the past has not yet happened.
Reddit is like an arcade - the subs you actually enjoy give out minimal karma so you end up blowing all your time on the easy plays with high payouts
Immersing yourself in a website like Reddit when you're bored is like entering the Matrix.
Everyone refers to all toothpaste varieties as simply “toothpaste”, but all air refreshers are called “febreze”.
Google should just start matching people up with potential relationships based on the information they've gathered.
Whenever you interrupt someone while he/she is working, you are basically telling them “my issue is more important than whatever you are working on”. .... {so use that moment wisely}.
When it comes time to have "The talk" with my kids, I think I'll play a David Attenborough video about bonobos and say humans are pretty much the same
Isn't is strange how companies are using the reviews of competitors products on sites like Amazon and NewEgg to leave bad reviews and sway consumers to make their own products appear better?
If “rights groups” seek equality, then why aren’t they just one “equality group”?
All “rights groups” that are seeking equality should start an “equality group” together
If Mermaid are humans with fish tails, do their top halves ever need sunscreen? Did Mermaids use to be real but they all died of skin cancer?
If a TV show actually wanted to surprise me on the bad guy reveal, they should make it the person they played it up to be the whole show.
What would Alex P. Keaton think of the current Administration?
How does toothpaste come out of the tube swirled like that?
I'm 99.9% certain that every missing knife in my kitchen has been thrown out in a pizza box
New to me is just as good as new, to me.
Can fish see through fog because it’s water vapour?
women can get smelly feet if they dont change their socks daily
f o r e s k i n s
“I’m up for that” and “I’m down for that” really mean the same thing.
If a human child was considered a pet, that would mean our ancestors were pets of pets.
I appreciate that primates evolved with limbs and phalanges that can easily scratch itches.
All porn is questionable, it's just a matter of if the question is "where can I get more for this?" or "should I be watching this?"
What if mirrors are just portals, that only our reflection selfs, can be able to see into many dimensions?
For celebrities, reading TMZ is like reading their Facebook feed for them
“I’m up for that” and “I’m down for that” can mean the same thing, in English.
Global warming would be believed by many more people if carbon dioxide wasn't transparent.
Ligma is just something like spanish ruka
One of the most important aspects of human evolution was cooked food. This allows the heat sensitive proteins in food to breakdown and be absorbed into the body. This leads to an increase in brain size and intelligence. Dog food is cooked. Are we creating more intelligent dogs?
I will always miss the days when I could open an audio or video of WhatsApp without feeling the fear of being moans
I wonder if JRR Tolkien named the city Minas Tirith because it's a tiered city.
We see our pets as friends or even children we care for. They must see us as Gods that can hand down great rewards or punishment depending on their behaviour.
Postcards were the original Facebook.