Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not chasing you.
Breakfast is pronounced completely differently than Break Fast
If you want me to vote make an app for it I’m too lazy to go to the gym let alone goto the polls
If people were imoortal than people would take global warming more seriously
October’s name used to make sense before July and August.
They called Obama the “Facebook President” because that’s how he got Millennials to vote for him. Once Boomers got on Facebook they caused Brexit and Trump.
What you thought to be a simple act of masturbation might have killed the next Elon Musk.
What if...
During a crisis(like Bangladesh) karma whores just find pictures on google images and put an emotional title.
The Klingon language is probably entirely curse words.
All of the ‘no interest until 2020’ things people bought are probably starting to worry them.
Of the 8 people Noah brought on the arc, do you think he handed one of them a broom and appointed them to be the person who chased off birds if more than 2 of any species landed on it?
The starter Pokemon are Rock, Paper, Scissors
Someone out there has the next Elon Musk contained in his balls.
When two people kiss, it makes a long tube connecting eachothers assholes
In regards to mixed children from white a black parents. Mullato sounds a lot better than bi-racial. Bi-racial sounds like a condition when mullato sounds like an icecream flavour.
TIFU is just FML, and it will probably be replaced again eventually.
The letters used in "1ST, 2ND, 3RD" indicate the STaNDaRD number of places we celebrate in most competitions
It’ll be a long day carrying Barry Elliot’s coffin to the cemetery... to me, to you, to me, to you..
Why didn’t our bodies evolve to make foods that are bad for us taste better than foods that are healthy?
People who say we arent in the future because we dont have things like flying cars dont seem to realize that the real reason we dont have those things is because they are impractical and not because "technology isnt there yet."
Dogs enjoy petting from zombies
Ligma might become real in the future.
If santa keeps track of "naughty" kids, and the year doesnt start until January 1st, that leaves 6 days after christmas and New Years left undocumented, so nothing you do can be held aganist you.
A shower is a bath with an improved user experience. (A thought I had while taking a bath)
If god is everywhere and he knows everything ahead of time, wouldnt he know that not all people will be religious? Then isnt that unfair to send people to hell in the first place?
If there would be time machines in the future we would already know about it
James Gunn’s Twitter jokes were no worse than an average round of Cards Against Humanity. Yet the former was condemned while the latter is commended.
Why don't we call lemons yellows?
Why aren't there nods of encouragement on the dominos Pizza Tracker?
"Same Girl" by R. Kelly and User is just the male remake of "The Boy is Mine" by Monica and Brandi
If Elvis is the King of Rock n Roll, would Freddie Mercury be the Queen of Rock n Roll?
There should be snippets of a podcast that you can listen to as a preview, like movie trailers.
Funeral Home owners should be the last people to go out of business.
The weirdest thing about moving in together with your partner is that your clothing start having the same smell. Unless you keep using different conditioners...
If I added up all the time I spend on Reddit, I'm pretty sure it would be equivalent to a second life or something...
You'd think everyone would have a lot more karma considering it is nearly effortless to upvote.
Is treasure real?
Why is a Minigun called a Minigun if its bigger than most guns?
"I'm dead." is a something nobody would have said before video games.
Politics is like a canoe, you lean too far on one side and the whole boat tips over.
My pets live in a post scarcity society.
"Get low" is the new "Baby got back." Everybody seems to recognize it and know some of the words, but few people seem to know the whole thing.
How awkward it must be to 'Drop The Soap'
Instead of preserving humanity by sending us to Mars, why shouldn't Elon Musk build a deep underwater sea base as our first colony away from terra firma?
Using the increase button on my cruise control feels a lot like getting a speed boost in Mario cart.
Someone unknowingly becomes the champion of peeing the longest on earth everyday
I eat meat so the animals don’t eat all the vegan food.
When you put est at the end of a word, like nicest, warmest, etc., it becomes the best, most or whatever of the original word. Like nice-nicest. Then with the word best, it must mean b on its own is a word. B-best.
Wouldn’t it make more sense if noon and midnight were at 1 instead of 12?
Instead Of Preserving Humanity By Sending Us To Mars, Why Shouldn't Elon Musk Build A Deep Underwater Sea Base As Our First Colony Away From Terra Firma?
Poets were the original rappers. Coincidently Lord Byron, William Wordsworth, and Oscar Wilde are all great rap names.
No matter what government you choose in Civ, it’s all really a puppet state ran by an autonomous dictator who does as they see fit.
A Minigun has "Mini" in its name even tough it's basically bigger than most of the guns.
Who is the client in furneal homes? People that dies, because wihout them all business wouldn't exist or families that pay for doing business?
Are human rights actually for humans?
Jedis use the same cloak to the point where they should be easily recognizable with them on.
Is there any chemical or physical difference between ass sweat and ball sweat?
If a false god were to come down and reveal itself to humanity, we would never be able to tell was a false god
Does Scotty know yet? Or are we still supposed to be keeping it a secret from him?
what if the clitoris had a toenail
If you have a large enough mirror, 1000 light years away, and a telescope good enough to see people on Earth in the reflection, do you affect the past through Quantum Theory's Observer Effect?
What if incarnation is real, but Earth is the starting zone?
Twins should be called womb-mates
As an introvert who hates awkward silence I am never thankful enough when there is someone in the group who just can't stop talking.
Has anyone considered the possibility that mankind might not be eradicated by destroying the planet but rather by an upcoming ice age making a viability on this planet impossible?
If raisins are just sun dried grapes, then why are sun dried tomatoes just called sun dried tomatoes.
I should really be more grateful that all the people who could go crazy and kill me during my normal day, don't. Thank you normal people for letting the rest of us normal people live every day with your decency and responsible actions.
Showering without a washcloth is like brushing teeth without a toothbrush.
Girls pass around tampons/pads as if they’re illegal drugs
What if the only people whose souls burned for eternity were people who get cremated
Every day, when I wake up at 7am, millions of other people are also waking up at the exact same moment
Tent size should be measured by the number of cots you can fit in it, not people.
How are we expected to unite as a country if we can’t even successfully merge from 3 to 2 lanes on the highway?
If I drink alcohol, I'm an alcoholic, If I drink Fanta, I'm supposedly fantastic. But does eating M&Ms make me a rapper?
The bravest people I know are those that buy puzzles from thrift shops.
Its impossible to think of a new color in your head??
Nick Cannon was MUCH better on America’s Got Talent than Tyra Banks.
Why is it called "Double-U" when it clearly resembles a "Double-V"?
Youtube ads that are too short to skip are probably intended to be less annoying, but in reality they're more annoying because you can't skip them.
Twitter's "In Case You Missed It" feature wouldn't be required if they didn't fuck with my timeline
The Tumblr user CriticalAlexandrite is a goldmine of karma for people on r/tumblrinaction.
When a traffic light is down, it can restore your faith in humanity. Instead of chaos, everyone waits their turn and is very civil to one another.
People who invented language probably just made up words and people around them believed it.
I wonder if our sun is part of an alien constellation
I read “asshat” and “ass hat” as two totally different things.
The Seahawks really should have ran the ball
I kept reading SlowerThought instead of ShowerThoughts... kind of the same concept
Every time we say it’s 0:00 am we basically call time a cunt in Turkish.
many women across the world have stinky butts because they dont wipe very well
Theme Parks should introduce a third ‘Express’ lane for single riders
Kobe Bryant’s parents gave him the middle name of bean instead of beef even though there is no Kobe bean
Baths give you more time to come up with showerthoughts than showers
Starbucks Baristas may be purposely misspelling names on cups so you share it on social media resulting in free advertising for Starbucks.
How ironic would it be to forget the lyrics to "Eet" by Regina Spektor?
Why is it called a bee-line if bees don't fly straight?
Pornhub could try and become a rival video sharing platform to YouTube. Have a website for the nsfw and then a website for non-pornographic content.
What if aggressive aliens have seen our historical documentaries (movies) about superheroes and are scared to attack us.
Prayers are politically correct incantations.
When the automatic sliding doors delay in opening, I have a brief moment where I think, "am I dead?"
There should be a Google Maps like application where you can explore populated and out of business malls and shopping centers
Twitter's "In Case You Missed It" feature wouldn't be required if they didn't fuck with timelines
Since we have different measurements for just about everything, the fact that we all use the same measurements for time is greatly under appreciated
The whole story of 'Snow White' is a fairytale version of the redemption of biblical Original Sin and the Path to Forgiveness
The vast majority of the posts on r/Showerthoughts are not read in the shower.
When people live on mars and pass away. Do they still go to earths heaven?
If a person is a twin, are they each other’s doppelgängers?
Nick Cannon was MUCH better than Tyra Banks on AGT.
Why are there "diet" sodas and "lite" beers? Couldn't there be a diet Coors and a Coke lite?
The first person to have a ‘showerthought’ had one before showers were even a thought.
I wonder if dogs are actually bringing back the ball because they think we like throwing it
I grew up and because I did I am no longer a Toys R
What if your teeth were naturally flaccid and became hard when you got hungry
The Unsubscribe web form should have a “how we got your info” popup.
Irony is the person who invented the phrase "hold my beer" having Celiac's disease.
For the amount of rubber on freeways, I've never actually seen a car blow a tire.
If the story of Noahs ark is true isn't everything inbred?
Is it possible in the near or distant future that humans won't be the only intelligent life on Earth either with human help or just through evolution?
Has anyone ever actually used a pipe cleaner to clean a pipe?
It just occurred that blind people that use service dogs would have to have several dogs throughout their life. This makes me kind of sad.
I bet the Kool-aid man is super annoying during sex
Saying who when it should be whom is acceptable. Saying whom when it should be who makes you look like a complete moron.
What if a foot would be a foot fetishist if he likes other foot?
Snape is like a pissed off step-mother towards Harry. *you're not mine but you look like your father so I'm gonna treat you bad*
I wonder how many Nobel Prize Peace winners are actually cold blooded killers...
Who came up with the brilliant idea of using a fingerprint lock on something that we grope 24/7?
I know I have OCD because fucking myself once isnt good enough, I must do it 4 or 5 times before I get a clue.
I hate it when...
There is no way to prove that the color we see, (i.e. green)is seen as the same color by everyone.
Gordon Ramsay is only mad because I ripped of his foreskin, fried it, cut it in pieces, put it in his asshole, lit it, smoked it straight from his anus and dropped some burning hot ashes on his bleeding ballsack.
Clarke claimed that “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.” I believe this as well as a corollary: “Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.”
Are musicians better drivers because they have a better sense of timing and rhythm than the average population?
Humans have evolved to the point of sending men into space, but yet most of us leave the genetic ringtone instead of switching it to a sound or song we like, ultimately making an annoying waiting when someone who we do not want to talk to calls
The time I sit on the toilet is inversely proportional to the amount of clothes I want to wear
Everyone has those parent friends that are called our uncles and aunties, even though they aren't family
This kind of thoughts fvcked me up good!
If everyone is equal in heaven, does that mean it’s like communism?
When you say J e s u s backwards it sounds like s a u s a g e.
Dreams exists so we remebmer wjat happened the other day, but you forget your dreams almost everytime
If cameras had recoil, shooting a photo would have more meaning to it.
When you say Jesus backwards it sounds like sausage.
The sky's the limit no longer applies anymore. It instead should be, the galaxy is the limit.
Going out to get shit faced has a very different meaning when you have a scat fetish.
Fire trucks are actually water trucks.
If freud was right, and people want to bang their mom, then I must be some sort of weirdo
Thinking about all the fun things we don’t get to see just because we don’t understand every language. The only things I get too see on the internet are from english countries like Australia and UK. ~ european
I wonder if most of the LOL "username69" are ironic at this point.
If everything was named how we named flies, then we wouldn’t be called walks, we’d be called lazies.
We should thank grocery store workers for keeping us supplied with food thereby averting food riots.
The amount of times my phone's fingerprint scanner refuses to work probably shows just how hard it is for forensics to match up fingerprints at a crime scene.
What if someone is playing with a time machine and makes things go back and you were about to do something but it turned back time? Remember the moment you forgot something?
Firetrucks are actually water trucks
I’m trying to figure out when the Great Banana Peel Scare occurred. How many vehicles crashed and people fallen, and who were the perps? Answer we may never have.
Everyone is equal in heaven so it’s basically communism.
If there was a line up I'd recognise my wife's butthole but wouldn't be able to recognise my own
Every time I see a toilet seat covered in piss, I wonder if we can go back in time and make the chivalrous act be to leave the seat UP so the next lazy turd doesn’t piss all over it.
My ex gfs dad is a locksmith so locking my doors isn’t enough so I hide in the shower and post things on reddit.
Internet is like ancient Egypt, strange eyeliners, obsession with cats, holding politicians as powerfull beings and communication trought drawings.
Social media has saved me from being arrested when coming across idiots. If I met them in real life I'd end up punching them.
Since old people cloths is what young people wear today... then what will they wear when they are old? Also, as I move through my 30s, I find myself really liking what I consider old people cloths. Does this make me hip or lit or job or what ever the current slang term for cool is?
It's called fishing when you catch fish, but when you go hunting you aren't catching hunts
Seagulls should be called 'seagles', cause theyre like eagles but from the sea.
Do you think you’ve ever had possession of a bill or a coin more than once?
I Kill Giants is basically the same script as When A Monster Calls...
I wonder how many people who were doing something dangerous died while lighting a cigarette to control their nerves.
So the reason why you look taller in long pants compared to short ones is because things that are a solid color look longer than split color... by this same logic, my confidence just went up
It’s against the rules to say a showerthought in a personal perspective, so are we technically watching someone having a shower while thinking of these thoughts.
if ya think about it, saying that black people should be treated equally to white people indirectly implies that black people are a different species
You can never describe a color without saying words like bright and dark.
I think rule 34 applies to calendars. Like porn, if it exists, there's a calendar for it.
Ships in space in the Star Wars universe always meet with everyone oriented in the same “vertical” direction which means they all just got together one day and determined which way is up.
The key to be successful in this sub Reddit is to not think in the perspective of ones self.
I've always worried about getting shit on my shirt while pooping, but it has not happened once in my life
Do cows have the propensity to murder other cows 1v1?
If Apple keeps adding emojis we will eventually just be sending text hieroglyphics and cut the text completely out.
You can’t describe colors without using words like dark or light.
Trolling the technical support scammers who call me is like reverse prank calling
You use your coworker's name to improve your relationship but when you get it wrong
People sometimes ask questions on forums (Reddit) that could of been looked up on Google, because they wanted some basic human interaction as well as an answer.
You need words to explain the meaning of other words, and then more words to explain those ones; the definitions of the words to define the most basic words will have other words and it’s an endless cycle.
Unsung internet pro: being able to come up with arguments in the shower and still be able to use them on a comment thread.
If you say "My mind is going a mile a minute" people would get it right away, but if you were to say "My mind is going 60 miles an hour" it'll take them a second
Awkward is a very awkward word.
It’s against the rules to have a showerthought and say “I”, so whose really having the shower.
They should put the amount of lines on a gas gauge in cars equal to the number of gallons of gas the car holds.
An entire generation of people won’t name their child Dwight because of a television show.
Despite the "share a Coke with _____" campaign, I've never actually seen two people sharing one Coke.
The key to a successful showerthought is to not think in the perspective of yourself.
Something is mixed up when Americans consider owning a firearm (a tool of death) their "right", whereas the rest of the world consider access to universal healthcare (a tool of life) to be their right.
If food tastes better at room temperature, why do we demand our food be served piping hot or ice cold?
FNAF should be a furry game
I’m pretty sure I Kill Giants completely ripped off When a Monster calls...
We’re the ones having the showerthought but it’s forbidden to have a title in first person, so whose really having the shower?
How come seagulls arent called 'seagles'? Arent they like sea eagles?
When you pull weeds from the garden/rock bed, you are forcing relocation of the spiders and other crawlies that live there.
If I was as efficient and skillful as a hotel maid, my bedroom and bathroom would be clean everyday.
If you fart while wearing a thong, does it whistle?
Why do noses run but feet smell?
The fact that 'I' is the only word we always capitalize, no matter the context, really shows how conceited the human race is.
At some point, someone was tasked with making a giant, street legal hot dog
It’s against the rules to say a showerthought in a personal perspective, so I we technically watching someone having a shower while thinking of these thoughts.
It's weird that Netflix original shows still have intros and credits even though they're made exclusively for a platform that skips intros and credits.
What comes after Plan Z?
The opposite of short is long... or is it tall?
Paintings of Jesus are considered the first forms of fan art.
There is no word for giving someone a drink like there is to give someone food (feed).
I have seen a underwhelming number of track suits from a World Cup hosted by Russia
What if Jesus has been aborted and there is no second coming?
Mr and Mrs Incredible were seriously lucky that Dash gained powers of super speed. Imagine if he had the power to slow down time?
'How It's Made' should have an episode about the engineering behind the machines that make the things.
Whenever people say, “I love inside jokes. I’d love to be a part of one someday,” it’s essentially an inside joke itself
Vehicles should have two horns. One for hey look up the light is green and the other for put your mother FN phone down and pay attention
Why is the keypad on my phone in a different order than on my keyboard?
They should create a Mr. Rogers reality show where people compete to be the next Mr. Rogers on television.
Do you think if elastigirl could stretch as much is she was fat?
How do disabled people pump gas?
If I were half of a pair of identical twins, one of us would purposely gain weight, while the other got buff. We'd make a killing on before and after photos for weight loss commercials.
Instead of showing more commercials, they should just make commercials more expensive.
I wish more cartoons did the whole "multi-setting slapstick" that the Tex Avery shorts mastered
Once a year, if you ask, you should get unbanned from any sub you have been been banned from.
Emergency vehicles should have a parade mode where all the sounds are at half volume
We shouldn't be asking "What did we do to deserve dogs?" we should be asking "What can we DO to deserve dogs?"
Do aliens have movies about humans? If they do, what do you think they think we look like?
What if mirrors are actually a dimensional gateway and our reflection is the only thing that keeps us from entering.
I bet very few people know what Uranium tastes like
People should be grateful that they can lose their license, because otherwise they'd have to be put in jail instead.
I start to like ingredients I hated because I'm increasingly too lazy to remove them from my food
More cartoons should do the whole "multi-setting slapstick" that the Tex Avery shorts mastered
What if mirrors are actually a dimensional gateway and our reflections are the only thing that keeps us from entering?
Does your cat ever lay on you, then stretch out and touch your face with it's paws? I wonder if cats think that they enjoy getting pet so much and are just returning the favor and we enjoy it just as much?
Shouldn't double U (W) be Double V
Imagine an FBI agent fresh out of the academy with big dreams of taking down drug cartels and crime bosses, but instead is stuck scrolling through some idiots social media.
The only reason I know I’m an adult is because being a kid was easier than this
LeBron James should do commercials for the Chrysler LeBaron. LeBaron James.
Glad is a weird word.
Being the "Word's Oldest Person" is a title you hold for a fleeting moment because you'll always be dethroned.
Funny that the internet is called "the net", as in a fish net.
Maybe we don‘t know what happens after our life because it is actually great and if we knew, too many people would commit suicide
Motion sensors save electricity and water from being wasted, except for auto-flush toilets which probably have wasted thousands of gallons of water by triggering repeatedly.
Trump derangement syndrome is literally trump being deranged.
A good friend is one who's seen the same reddit posts as you, a great friend is one who has seen the same comments
Terrifying thoughts in the shower only occur when your face is wet.
It would be cool if mail trucks played music like ice cream trucks do, only instead of "Turkey in the Straw" they play "We Just Got a Letter" from Blues Clues.
A good friend is one who's seen the same Reddit posts as you, a great one is one who's seen the same Reddit comments as you
I will only try to initiate dinner plans 17 times before giving up and assuming they're just not that in to food.
I bet in an alternate universe magic is real and we put barrier spells into the paint we use to make lanes on roadways
If this post doesn’t get deleted it will probably outlive me
If the US was attacked was transported into the Battlestar Galactica world and was attacked by Cylons today, Betsy Devos would be the new President.
I wonder if cats think of us saying “aww” the same way we think of them purring
You know you're an adult when the phrase "I have nothing to do" becomes a good thing.