I think its really weird that when you go to college, almost everyone in your contacts will have a different area code. Especially when your coming from a small town
Every time I wake hungover it's like my liver is tattling on my body and my heart tells my brain to be nicer to my liver.
Do crabs think fish are flying?
If you got poop on your hands, you wouldn’t just wipe it off with a dry paper towel and move on so why do that to your butt? The perfect excuse to use the bidet.
How weird would it be if you could feel your fingernails grow?
Is an Asian person working at a Chinese restaurant still a diversity hire?
I wonder how many innocent bug families we kill every time we mow the lawn.
Who recruits recruiters ?
I always think about how great it would be to have a dash cam to capture some crazy event, but as of yet I can't think of an experience that would have been worthy of sharing.
Restaurants should put nicotine into their food so people keep coming back.
Déjà vu...where have I heard that before?
Do you think giraffes ever get a fear of heights?
Hitting the snooze button in the morning is my current self giving my future self the middle finger and saying "this is your problem now."
When is Mila Kunis going to pick up her aged barrel of Jim Beam?
Everyone gives a spare key to a trusted friend in case of emergencies. Since my old house has had several owners, half the neighborhood probably has a key.
Isn’t it a little counterintuitive to advertise an adblocker?
God's answer for not being able to endure the suffering he puts us through is to send us to hell to suffer forever. I can't think of anything worse a person could do and God is supposed to be the infinite source of good.
I wonder what my resting face looks like while I’m listening to someone else talk 🤔
I’m sure there have been tons of psychiatrists who have had panic attacks while talking to patients about panic attacks
Sarah Huckabee Sanders would make a great Nick Park movie character
Weird Al Yankovic has stayed more culturally relevant than any of the artists he’s parodied.
If parallel universes are real, then there is one where all those kids on Xbox Live actually slept with your mum.
I wonder how many of the /r/meirl subscribers that joked about suicide actually did it and they’re not around anymore
When you climb a mountain, you say to the mountain "My rocks are bigger than yours."
The phrase “most people” usually means either “me in particular” or “everyone but me”
Do people who believe the Earth is flat also believe it rotates like a frisbee would?
No matter what you think or say, you don't know for sure that poop doesn't taste like chocolate
Reddit should have a separate URL that you can put in so when you visit and there are other people around you can view not signed into your account.
What if...Quantum Entangled Batteries?
I wonder how many of the Never gonna give you up views are from people getting rick rolled.
How Drugs Fucked Up My Relationship - I Thought In The Shower
Dogs don’t even know they’re your possession. They just think that you are best buds.
SpongeBob’s name isn’t “SpongeBob” his name is Bob and is a sponge.
In the year 2020 the 20th of every month will have an echo when you say the date
“Ginger” is just the n-word rearranged
Bi-weekly means both twice a week and every other week, that's mad confusing and linguistically lazy.
Casino balances should show the negative amount too.
There should be an addition clause to statuary rape laws that give immunity to people who are, at most, two years older than the victim. An 18 year old should not go to jail for having consensual sex with their 17 year old partner.
Humans are the worst thing to happen to earth since the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs.
Emojis are just 21st-century hieroglyphics
Giving someone money for Christmas is both the worst and the best present that you can give to someone.
Once a sneeze starts, you cant stop it
Something like 10% of the world's energy is being used on crypto mining. I wonder how much energy is used sending unsolicited dick pics?
The best part of a cucumber tastes like the worst part of a watermelon
If you poop while taking a bath, it will either float, suspend or sink depend on your health conditions.
If both you and your partner are 17 and sexually active, you have to remain celibate from the day one of you turns 18 till the other one's birthday - if you don't, legally one of you will be a sex offender and the other will be dating a rapist.
Every time Reddit is down all I want to do is post about it on Reddit
Silent dreams?
George Orwell would probably be disappointed that we use his name to describe Orwellian behaviours he spent his life hoping we would avoid
You probably won’t remember reading this
Christian Bale has been both Bateman and Batman
Maybe the reason we come up with thoughts in the shower is because that’s the longest amount of time in the day we are without our phones
If our thumb isnt a finger, there is no middle finger.
Actor Christian Bale has been both Batman and Bateman
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
You can't start a showerthought using Christian Bale's name without it being removed for containing religious themes.
A wireless mouse should be called a "hamster" instead
The saying, 'If you can't do the time, don't do the crime', suggests that if you have time to spare, you should commit a crime
It's sad that the people of r/harrypotter don't say "Mods are hags."
Team Spirit Shower song
If reddit karma was your monthly salary, this would be a completely different place.
Imagine how happy a dog would be if one day it could see color
The guy who proofread all of Hitler's speeches was a Grammar Nazi
Front to back makes alot more sense when it's back to front.
Does China think of India in the same way that the USA thinks of Mexico in terms of border protection? Perhaps the opposite?
An action being "punishable by a fine" basically means "legal for rich people".
Bacon bits are just savory sprinkles.
Why do foreign languages use accent marks (diacritical mark)
Trump or Trump
We have always been clapping just that the intervals between each clap change alot.
How do mermaids get baptised? Do they get dipped in the air?
Do people really give a shit what an apple tastes like, so long as it’s firm and crunchy?
We use reddit to crowd source complaints forming the perfect brain complaints. Probably why we are all depressed.
Which places would you like to visit in this year?
Voldemort should have made a Nokia brick phone a Horcrux.
hmmmm?
What if T-Rex’s actually jumped around like kangoroos instead of walking normaly like we think they do?
What if a mirror is just a window into another dimension where everything is the same but mirrored?
No one has looked at my computer in over 3 years, but I still go incognito when I watch porn.
What if people who originally thought the sun revolved around the earth were the same as modern-day flat earthers
The past 10 years of youth should be considered “Generation I” and will differ greatly from every previous generation.
Garbage bags are the only acceptable product that I will buy for the express purpose of throwing it in the trash
If robots had sex, would they use Norton Anti-Virus for protection?
If I were to be executed by injection, I’d clean up my cell real neat. Then when they came to get me I’d say “Injection? I thought you said inspection.” They’d probably feel bad and let me go.
Is there a feature I could make on the surface of the planet that would cause others to come to my aid?
Should we tape our smart mirrors, or is it too early .
I wonder if I have ever eaten and egg from a chicken that I also ate.
Does Hooters intentially make their wings bad so people will make sure to tell others about the girls?
Why do toe nails exist? to break when we slam the little toe on the footer?
Parents said "Don't talk back to me" so they didn't risk being proven wrong.
What if there's an elephant in every room but nobody mentions them?
Why is everyone joking so much about diabetes?
What if the reason Aliens haven’t come to Earth is because they sent a scout once and was eaten by a T Rex?
Golf should be in the Special Olympics since everyone has a handicap.
I wish there was a way to capitalize numbers for added emphasis.
The media (music/movies) I got to know the best was the results of pre-streaming limitations.
How can something be bubblegum flavoured when normal bubblegum has lots of flavours?
Hiw can the earth be flat if there are hills?
Two type of people! Which one are you?
If scientists can't even confirm if life exist on Mars, what's the point of searching so far and wide in galaxy?
What if the bible is about a really self obsessed guy named lord.
Why isn't golf a Special Olympics sport when everyone who plays has a handicap?
Golf should be in the Special Olympics since everyone who plays has a handicap.
What if Deja-Vu is just scenarios you have already thought of?
What's the sign language sign for mime?
Pringles flavouring should be on the other side
I would bloody love there to be dinosaurs that occasionally rampaged thru towns and needed teamwork to slay them.
Why don't aeroplane bathrooms have windows?
Can you see John Cena?
Whoever said “Sean” should be pronounced “Sh-awn” was not hooked on phonics
George Miller should direct the Waterworld reboot with Tom Hardy playing Kevin Costners role.
Would invisible people leave fingerprint?
80p for a can of coke, not a problem. 79p for an app I want...totally different story.
What if life is a tutorial and death is when the real game begins
There's cat food and dog food, food that has all the nutrients the animal needs. But why isn't there a simple 'Human food'?
When butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans in their stomach?
Why is SpongeBob the main character, when Patrick is a star?
Would your bed sleep with you if it had a choice?
No one has or can define a month as a measure of time because a month can be 30 days or 31 days, so if I say on the 14 of June "in a month i will enter school" I could be either saying that I will enter school on the 12 of July, on the 13 of July or on the 14 of July.
What if dogs really just lick their buts to simulate sex (masturbate)?
I'm glad pooping doesn't take as long as eating does.
Do flat Earthers also think other planets are flat or just Earth?
The statement “I said what I meant and meant what I said” is not redundant.
I wonder if animals can have Schizophrenia...
Bandage makers should make bandages that still let you use a touchscreen when you cut the $&@% out of your thumb
When a superintelligent AI gets created, having access to it should be a basic human right.
If foods were religions, I would be in the Holy Church of St Spaghetti
IKEA is making a app to teach kids to make things out of cardboard. When I was kid We made 3 mast ships and used Roman candles as cannons to simulate a sea battle with pre poured gasoline in the pond for fire.
When I took drivers Ed, I used a real car and books, when my now one year old son takes drivers Ed, it'll will be in Virtual reality
Taking a chill pill sounds way cooler the older I get
How or mind works?
If someone can “inhale” a cigarette haul longer than you are there lungs healthier or unhealthier?
Why aren’t there sourdough tortillas?
It really sucks that I have a conscience in my dreams.
What if vampires are real and blood drives are a way for them to fool us into voluntarily donate our blood to feed them.
If e.g Shadowcat from X-Men would place someone in a wall, would that persons atoms merge with the wall or what the heck?
Does it offend anyone if i say, "fuck Latin"?
There should be sourdough tortillas
If only people would behave how we think they should.
why is two face able see?
Recycling bins should be everywhere by now
Someone should make a meme where Bosnia is Croatia, Croatia is France and the sea is the world cup
Are work friends really friends when technically you're paid to spend time with them?
Maybe all of those “You won a free prize” ads aren’t scams and I’m just a lot luckier than I thought I was.
What if the person responsible for keeping track of time A.D. went on vacation?
If Everything happens for a reason, does nothing happens for a reason too?
Despite living alone, I still cram one last thing into the garbage thinking the next person will take it out...
If destiny is pre-determined, why am i scolded for not doing something it was my destiny to not do that.
If hell exists, I wonder what kind of crazy shit the devil and Hitler are scheming.
I wonder if anyone thinks of the Beastie Boys as a boy band?
Is it plant potting or pot planting?
If the Trump administration attempts to cover up any crimes of negligence or abuse that occurred during the detainment of separated children, we can call it "Baby Cage Gate."
Certain names lend themselves to particular personality types or occupations . Like Percy being an uptight do-gooder, Jeeves the butler, Biff the dimwitted jock and so on.
America is actually a very dangerous place because of 3D printing. Although a lot of other countries have 3D printers, Americans were the first to make guns out of them.
Punching a thai makes you a thai boxer
Millennials still outnumber baby boomers -- it isn't the number of baby boomers retiring that will strain social security. It's the incredible decrease in wages millennials have faced compared to previous generations, from which social security is provided.
Why aren't there garbage disposals in public toilets?
The biggest plot hole in time travel movies is that foreign bacteria and diseases would likely cause an outbreak or kill the protagonist.
There should be a subreddit for people who just want to show off their fucking dog or parent who's now a US citizen or got a fucking degree at 97 years old or whatever, so they don't clog up other subs and we can filter them. r/redditmeet or something
I can remember something about a person better than they can but I keep forgetting how old I am
They never said humpty dumpty was an egg.
Sprayable Cream Cheese
The Letter t is Just the Letter f Upside Down
Twitch/Youtube should have a feature that records the usernames and gamer tags of the other players in games that get recorded, so you can find out if you've ever been in someone else's video/stream.
Every morning many of us bravely leave our homes with a hot cup of one of the worst staining liquids around.
Spray cream cheese
If you post a video on a subreddit and someone writes a comment that says "r/unexpected", you are receiving a compliment.
Why is such a large portion of Les Mis, dedicated to people in the friend zone?
The Butterfly Effect has an entirely different meaning to people with ADHD.
You dont buy things with money
It used to be that everyone agreed all politicians were crooks and villains, apparently each side now has saints and heroes.
If the Trump administration tries to cover up crimes of negligence during the detainment of separated children, do we get to call it "Baby Cage Gate"?
Wikileaks' name is a humorous play on sticky-beaks.
Whenever you sign up for a credit/debit card, it should be attached to your email so you always get a receipt sent to you automatically.
You're truly a good person if you use the toilet brush in a public bathroom.
Why is relative military strength often compared in terms of $ spent, when everything is cheaper in China
If 'morning' and 'night' are used as greetings, why isn't 'noon'? Why does that one need to be 'good afternoon' when the others can drop the 'good' and still be fine?
How come woman can show off their cooch pooch in yoga pants, but as a man I can't show of my wang-dang bop in tights in public?
“I want to be in the screen shot” is the new “first!”
I wonder if any of my Tinder matches I never talked to could have been the one?
I don't want to think about bad thoughts. I just want to think about baad thots.
Do birds people-watch like people bird-watch?
When at a restaurant, and a server is extremely sub-par most likely because they are having a bad day or something in their personal life is affecting their job, I leave a 30% tip just to remind them humanity is good, with the hopes they will snap out of it and treat the next patrons better.
It annoys me when people say they’re from a small city because it has a small population, when it’s really a suburb of a major city.
What if the mosquito sprays doesn't repel the mosquitos but only make our skin numb so that we can't feel the bites.
I haven’t seen/heard about anything new from Louis Theroux since his Scientology movie.
Why do brains think they are ugly?
Elevators should have a cancel-button.
"I couldn't ask for a better partner" and "you're the best I could do", while technically conveying the same message, have very different connotations.
The next time they do a story on the detached human feet washing up in the Pacific NW, they should subtlety play the theme song to the movie Footloose in the background.
Bathroom doors should have a QR-code that leads to a video that familiarize users with functions and etiquette, signs are to authoritarian.
I love how the generation that embraced the lyrics," we don't need no education. We don't need no thought control" are giving us medicine to control our thoughts to get an education.
If pornstars played for the Rockets, would they still choke?
Bathroom?
How many humans do we miss for every young person that dies?
I wonder if it matters if a person who sleep walks does so with their eyes open or closed.
We've all heard that one tongue twister that goes, "If a woodchuck could chuck wood, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" But seriously though, how much wood can a woodchuck chuck if it could chuck wood?
Wonder if Shaggy had an issue getting a relationship after his hit song?
After receiving 2 group text alerts within 2 seconds, there should be an auto feature to make the next 35 texts silent.
I didn't exist in your life until you read this sentence.
What if we don‘t remember anything from the time we were a baby, because we didn‘t think in a language?
It is derogatory when someone is referred to as a "dog" yet it should be the highest compliment one could receive.
It’s cold in here; I think my water heaters broken.
The tightest my shoelaces have ever been is when I tried to untie them, and they are loosest when I actually do try to tie them.
They should make a phone that can film landscape while being held like portrait mode.
If you work as a security guard at Samsung store does that make you a guardian of the galaxy?
How do I know that I'm thinking of what I think I'm thinking of, rather than thinking of something that makes me think I'm thinking of what I think I'm thinking of?
Someone just decided how tall each step in a set of stairs should be and we all just go with it no questions asked.
About half the keyboard shortcuts I know were discovered because of something pressing down ctrl without me knowing.
Children of astronauts must be tormented for life. Their parents will always have one-up on them and say, "I went to fucking space, what did you do?"
If deadpool was in my hero academia, his quirk would have been having cancer
Food tastes better when it’s free. Anyone else feel like this?
Why don't they just make a phone that can film landscape while being held like portrait mode?
I really like humour that, when explained to others, doesn't sound funny at all and just creates an awkward conversation
Game Of Thrones will probably get a newer version like "Game Of Thrones Ultimate" that sticks to the source material, and there'll be debates online about which version you should watch.
My favourite henge is stonehenge.
Does anyone else think their toddler is a very small bag lady?
I really appreciate the fact that sweat is a clear liquid
Most of the shower thoughts here werent thought of in the shower...
If your shit was anywhere else on your body, I don't think toilet paper would be enough
Bob Marley came to my mind
I love drinking root beer floats after the ice cream melts, but I would never pour milk into root beer and drink that.
What if hiccups are just pent-up thoughts trying to leave the body?
Could gods have been time travellers just messing with ancient humans
No matter how much you blow your nose in the shower, you will always get snot on your towel after drying your face.
Abstinence Only Education
Since we are basically mobile meat sacks that would mean that when we sweat we are leaking human gravy.
Would God have infinity IQ?
If lemonade is made out of lemons, is Gatorade made out of gators?
Potentially, all people involved in an illicit/illegal group could be undercover agents from different organizations.
One Letter
What if we don't actually need to eat, and it's just such a strong adiction that if we dont satisfy it we die?
Banksy likes to stay anonymous because his first name is Gavin.
In Wreck-it-Ralph, if Felix hit Vanellope with his hammer, would everything be fixed?
Potentially, all persons involved in high level illegal/illicit activities could be undercover agents trying to gather evidence, while the other undercover commits crimes to go unnoticed.
Intelligence is knowing you should use “May I” and still using “Can I” because you know that “May I” would sound too formal.
There should be a microwave setting for cooking food for it's cook time and then letting it sit for it's sit time before it beeps.
If you say "thanks a lot" too quickly or mumble, it sounds a little bit too much like "thanks, slut"...
The electoral college was created during times where the U.S. had below 1% literacy rate.
Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Like, who isn't buying that?
Donald Trump's 'fake news' schtick is directly copying Adolf Hitler and all his complaining of the Lugenpresse.
There should be a swipe lock feature so that if you show someone a picture on your phone they can't swipe to something you don't want them to see
Why do airlines charge extra for overweight baggage but not for overweight passengers?
Cars should have solar powered fans and vents so they don't become ovens in the summer.
Hardly anyone questions the authority of cones. Ex: If I put a cone in any given parking spot, you probably wouldn't consider moving the cone and parking there (although now you might).
I miss falling asleep infront of the TV
In traffic, does the right-hand side have the right of way because they come from the RIGHT way?
Autocorrect is making more, and dumber, errors on my behalf these days than I ever managed by myself.
If you take antibiotics and probiotics, shouldn't they cancel out?
What if speed limits are intentionally low so people go what the speed limit should be instead of faster?