My children won’t know what Toys R Us is
If something is too hot it cam burn you, if something is too cold it can burn you
Do carbs think fish can fly?
How many shiny Pokémon have we missed out on because we were using repels?
The only reason the word "nigga" is still cool is because white people don't have the opportunity to ruin it
Almost every time I read a post from r/todayilearned, for the very briefest of moments, I'm just a tiny bit surprised and disappointed that the story isn't actually about something which happened today
Donald Trump is actually the president of the USA
The moment a video uses 10 fps slow motion shots, its origin can be traced back to the 1980s... Or Indian soap operas.
The word phonetic isn't phonetic
Clorox (bleach) is like a hot sauce for your skin. That spicy tingle feels so good around my areolas.
When dogs think to themselves what language is it in? Or is it just a constant barking noise?
"I'm not very religious" and "I'm not religious" are similar grammatically, but have completely different implications
Popeye taught kids that consuming performance-enhancing substances which greatly increase your strength is a good thing.
I think women pretend not to notice me in order for me to notice them. The trouble is almost all of them do it so what I do notice is when one is actually being nice.
Wasting Diamonds on a hoe means something different if you're playing Minecraft.
Doesn't it seem strange that after the DoD declassifies UFO videos, they want to then create a Space Force?
If you look at the top post history of r/TIL for an entire year instead of one everyday you will learn as much as all of Reddit did in a year in one day.
The term “Limited Edition” is a ruse. Everything that a company has ever produced has a finite quantity. The term should be changed to “Even more Limited Edition than the other stuff we sell”
Reddit is basically the China of the internet. They send their people everywhere, make photos of everything and everyone hates them secretly.
Popeye taught a generation of kids that it's a good thing to defeat your opponent by consuming a performance-enhancing substance which greatly increases your strength.
If all the so-called homeless begging at intersections are really angels testing our charity... I'm going to hell. Eff them.
The redditors over at r/gonewild are way more supportive and understanding than at r/apple or r/android..
If someone starts showing you middle finger, that either means they hate you or they want to be good friends with you
If Bush actually was involved in 9/11, why does he still live on his ranch and isn't in prison yet?
If homes had wheels like cars did, more tenants would pay rent on time. “Dude, where’s my home?”
Some people will tell you that you should be able to understand what others are experiencing in order to relate to their pain while simultaneously explaining that you can’t understand the pain of others because you haven’t experienced it.
Maybe the minor attracted person flag was a plot to get pedophiles to identify themselves publicly
I bet if humans had 6 fingers on each hand, we wouldn't think twice about counting by 6's and 12's.
I know you are but what am i is equivalent to no u
Emojis are the modern day equivalent of Egyptian hieroglyphs
Describing a sandwich as "handmade" is not a selling point. I'd much rather have a sandwich that *hadn't* had someone else's hands in it at any point.
Almost every time I read a post from r/todayilearned, for the very briefest of moments, I'm just a tiny bit surprised and disappointed that the story isn't actually about something which happened today
Second coming would end with Jesus being locked up in an asylum.
I just realised that the next generation kids will have the actual footage of their embarrassing moments and they gotta live with it!
What if Lucifer was the actual hero and he is portrayed as evil only because God controls the media(bible?)
Popeye taught kids that consuming performance-enhancing substances is a good thing.
I've always thought of dogs as boys and cats as girls. Yet the term of insult related to them insinuates a female dog and the term of praise insinuates a man.
Dogs don't love us as much as they feel that we are their property to be enjoyed and defended.
If time travel existed we would have already known about it.
These days buying a large drink from McDonalds is about the equivalent to saying I bought a large tiny home.
if china allowed Youtube,youtubers can buy traffic from china and someone in china will start a factory where workers has to like,comment and subscribe.
The reason AI will kill off the human race is a misunderstanding on the word execute program upgrade.
Reading Jo Jo’s bazar adventures and then realizing its an exact replica of your dating life.
People who have names like Ari, Elli and Kay are just using letters of the alphabet as names
Scantrons are the prison contraband currency of college.
Saying "Thanks for the gold, kind stranger" is the reddit equivalent of thanking the bus driver.
NFL players should lay down with hands behind their heads instead of kneeling during the national anthem.
The word ‘Fat’ just looks like someone took a bite out of the first letter of the word ‘Eat’.
The 'zoo' in 'zoologist' is pronounced much differently than just 'zoo' alone.
Most shower thoughts are not thought of in the shower
It’s weird how random things make such cool names like Crystal and Sky
Names like Ari, Elli and Kay are actually just letters of the alphabet
Execute means very different things to machines and humans.
The circumference of the earth is calculated before Christ , then why does people thought Columbus is going to fell of from the edge of the earth?
ET was an illegal alien trying to contact his relatives while attenpting to avoid the US government.
Showers are one of few places you can get dirty and get clean at the same time.
With the addition of Space Force, what's going to happen to the Pentagon?
I just cleaned the shower, how does it always get so dirty so quick?
Bringing home souvenirs for your family and friends is like saying remember this awesome place you did not get to go with me to.
If your talking about drugs 'don't knock it till you try it' isn't the best advice.
Why do they bleep “hole” when people say asshole on TV... does that mean ‘hole’ is the real curse word here
We say "apples and oranges" to mean things that are completely different, but in the list "oranges, cars, and apples", apples and oranges are the things that aren't different.
A really mean prank would be to paint a bowling ball exactly like a soccer ball then telling someone to kick it.
Displaying the Confederate flag in 2018 doesn't mean you're just a proud (white) Southerner. You are saying you wish there were still slavery.
That offends me.
The reason that prophecies are always vague is because they have to be able to be interpeted as a true statement in all possible futures, but they might mean different things in different future possibilities
It is knid of funny how, now that we have the sort of screens we all wished our early 2000's technology could have, we have skipped their device integration altogether.
I didn’t exist in your world until you started reading this sentence of mine.
What percentage of the word is under live surveillance?
Cracks in bathroom stalls is seriously just lazy design
The feeling when you don't want to get out the bath because it's so warm in there.
I wonder if Dan Harmon will ever combine the perfectly level floor from Rick and Morty and the room temperature room from Community
if a mythical ocean creature is considered a fish, is a dragon considered a bird?
Who did he tell you that too?
If you believe in religion, you should be very exited while dying because you will see how Hell&Heaven looks like in a couple of seconds.
How many people with whom you've had an internet argument with have you met, or even passed by in real life without knowing it?
Getting a notification for a trending showerthought is like having a random person tap you on the back to tell you their ‘A-ha’ moment.
Do you think in the 1700’s our forefathers we’re running around saying, “Here in America we speak English!” And then the native Americans were saying, “ugh, no we don’t.”
Are we using the first or second T when we abbreviate Street as St?
When using pump shampoo, conditioner or body wash you are constantly queuing up tomorrow's portion in the stem/pump
Some people go to shower all day to come up with legit showerthoughts
It should be called “eyes tall open” not “eyes wide open”
Thank god Adam and Eve could have children.
Killer Whales are the juggalos of the sea
Phones can be used for making phone calls...hmm interesting
The person who created the ‘skip intro’ option on Netflix is so underrated
Although most bands will thank the crowd for attending, Smash Mouth seems to genuinely mean it.
A repost isn’t a repost if it’s my first time seeing the post.
Do you ever wonder what your dog named you?
All the Xbox Live kids from Call of Duty who were saying they had intercourse with your mother are now 18+ adults
I'll never know what a Jamaican and a Scotsman are arguing about.
Its very underated that we do not smell like poop after pooping.
A notification a day keeps the redditors away
Humans in the Stone Age had no afterlife because religion didn’t existed.
Dogs make me believe in heaven, humans make me believe in hell.
What what happened if one of a conjoined twin was a serial killer but the twin he's attached to is a good person who always tried to stop him and always called the cops on him.. they can't jail an innocent man but can't let a serial killer roam free?
The reason the Aussies have the British accent and the Americans don't is that the British accent was created after Americans left, during the Australian convict transports.
I wonder if the drug Xanax has the same influence on the party scene today as Quualudes did years before
How did the movie industry create gory/shooting scenes before CGI?
What's your unpopular opinion?
Better Dead than (R)ed
The urinal cake is a very underrated form of cake.
A long time ago the creatures have maked 02 and there was oxygen polution which killed most of of the organisms because of climate changes . Today there are organisms and machines that make C02 and they make CO2 polution which would make a more massive climate change which we will never witnes.
Emojis are the modern version of hieroglyphics
Reddit /r/ in the comments work like Twitter #.
I used to like the smell if shaving cream until I had to start shaving every morning before work
Our generation will be the generation where our children say, "Every time I go to grandpa's he goes through my computer and deletes all of my bloatware." Even though computers will probably be so good that they are not affected by bloatware.
Honest Journalists pushed Trump to expose Biased MSM
If regular people feel like they're living in the matrix, do Trekkies think they're stuck in the holodeck?
I can't stop wondering what happens if somebody was bitten by both a vampire and a zombie!
Making a name for yourself must be hard for an assassin when you can't advertise.
A lot of people think that if The Purge were to be real, everybody would steal groceries and material stuff from stores. But i think nobody would because they would be too scared for other people to potentially hurt or kill them.
Why is there only one word for thesaurus?
Fact: Your phone can be used to call someone, too!
Unconfirmed reports from news outlets are as useful as my neighbour Craig telling me some shit he heard second hand.
Wait....so phones can be used for making phone calls too?!
You can never be sure that the worst day of your life has already happened.
What if Mars has water on it because we used to live there, and messed up the climate so badly that we had to send an escape pod to earth with only Adam and Arve in it?
Awkward facial features of autistic people?
We complain that the earth is doomed yet we praise Apple for being a trillion dollar company. We say our politicians aren’t doing enough or that it is Trumps fault, but 11,000 people voted for Hennessy. People say it’s our fault, but no one does anything about it.
I thought the whole idea of heatwaves is funny.
With all the new scientific advancements happening right now, you would think a company would have figured out how to make a cat toy that cats are actually interested in.
It's incredible that a successfully executed surprise party for a significant other, full of deceit for weeks or months while planning, does not lead to severe trust issues.
When you buy a bigger bed, you have more bed room, but less bedroom!
I wonder how many snaps I’ve sent that are really ugly but I didn’t think so because one of the side bar things or send button was covering it.
If reality was real, why would people ask you to be for real?
Does Nelly still call out Donald Trump when he preforms country grammar?
Before there were mirrors, people in the past probably had less acne scarring because they couldn't pop their pimples as easily
If Cockroaches can survive a nuclear explosion WTF is in a can of bug spray.... *smh*
Microsoft, Google and Apple are competitors. They are all happy to take my info but give me crap versions of their basic, word processing app.
After parents told me eating crayons would change the color of my teeth, it's surprised I never ate white crayons intentionally.
Baby boomers left millennials holding a bag of shit and now spend their lives complaining that our attitudes stink.
I'm 41 and can hardly remember anything I learned in high school, yet I can remember every word to "Magnificent Seven" by the Clash, my favorite high school band. It's cool and really depressing at the same time.
Australia is just Asia but with white people
I should probably get out now.
The reason some names feel like old person names, or kids’ names is because of name trends across generations
Might put the plug in and turn this into a bath.
Adulthood can be measured as the ratio of the amount you spend on Christmas gifts vs the amount you receive
Dan Aykroyd is now the last surviving main cast member of The Blues Brothers, I feel like people should no this.
If you buy a $10 csgo skin kids will call it a waste of money then they go around and spend $100+ on fortnite...
It is impossible to hold your nose and whistle. Before you finished reading this, you probably already tried and found it it's a lie
Is water fish pee, or is fish pee water?
Every symbol in the word LIVE is a mathematical constant.
The four digit code of your debt card is often called 'PIN number' even by bank tellers, credit card customer service and store cashiers, where PIN is actually an acronym stands for Personal Identification Number
When does sour cream go off and does it taste better when it is ?
Is got take three papers of toilet paper, rip one off and center it in the past 66%, you of 97% if standing the ride.
In Arrested Development Jason Bateman`s character` wife is dead, in Ozark Jason Bateman`s character` wife still alive. Can Ozark be a prequel to Arrested Development?
L I V E are all mathematical constants.
'After dark' means night, but shouldn't after dark be the morning?
All the best tasting foods are the worst for your body.
Fiscal conservatives who make millions/billions will eventually die, their money given away to those who didn't earn it instead of spent on services and people who did earn it, so aren't they just propping up the "socialism" they claim to dislike by saving so much?
We really need a better name for elivators when heading down.
Redditors are just strippers showing off their verbal booty and messages are customers trying to touch them
After a certain point in life (for me - 29yo), your mind starts to look backwards, finding comforting memories in the past, rather than anticipating them from the future.
Does Superman hold back when he poops or pees? Could he break the toilet?
As a father who enjoys hip hop I have learned to live a secret life through my headphones.
Why do we say “kiss me through the phone” when we can literally lick someone through the mail with an envelope.
Ubereats Premium should involve an in house Chef and Ubereats Black should have them do the dishes
Taking a shower with soap, then drying off with a towel makes it "dirty"
Using the term Latina is Cultural Appropriation of White culture.
Did I wash my hair yet?
Netflix needs a filter for parents so we don't ever have to watch robocar Poli again.
I just realized I’m paying $150/month for my healthcare plan just so I can pay $10/month at the pharmacy for medication.
If Thanos killed half of all people that would mean that somewhere there’s a person half alive and half dead
The Alien movies never referred to them as "Facehuggers". We've always called them that because the toy company did
If 2 guys bone the same girl they’re called Tunnel Buddies so what would 2 girls who boned the same dude be called? Pole Pals?
if we have imaginary friends we are their god
If Thanos killed half of all people does that mean there might be a person with one side alive and one side dead?
“Lick me through the mail” makes more sense than “kiss me through the phone” because of envelopes.
Ligma jokes are just like knock knock jokes, but without the knocking
How much do you think Owen Wilson says wow during sex?
I bet the T800 Terminator runs on the same processor as the Nokia 3310
Big storms are given names but heatwaves aren't
Breastfeeding a child in public should not be a problem... unless your mind is immature and perverted
I just realized that Teletubbies literally meant ‘television screens implemented in their abdomens’.
Big storms are given names but big heatwaves aren't
Volkswagen went from transporting Nazis to transporting hippies in 20 years.
Why say “kiss me through the phone” when we can literally lick someone through the mail with an envelope.
The first person to think he should lick the thing babies come out of is pretty weird.
Standing wipers are significantly underrepresented in the film industry.
When I hold my smartphone in my hand... a song pops in my head, “he got the whole world in his hand”
Fox News has been the no.1 rated news network and its Republican in bias which is the party in power in the House and Senate and the Presidency...that means they're the mainstream news
Standing wipers are significantly underrepresented in the film industry.
With all the grunts, nods, and words we have for "yes" and "no", they must have the most synonyms of any word.
If all of humanity's women were literally me, but with a vagina, all of the children would be a product of rape and all men would be rapists.
If a picture is worth 1,000 words, then a 1 second video at 60 FPS is worth 60,000 words
You know you’re an adult when you catch yourself, mid-thought, saying, “When I’m older...”
[4]If we can all criticise ourselves than why can we take criticisms?
It must be extremely weird for a flying insect to fly into a window, like "oh shit I just hit the air, wtf the air is blocking me!"
If "water-free" urinals exist, then why do they still have pipes going into the top of them?
Which came first, the Karen or the manager?
Turn signals should be nicknamed "winkers" instead of blinkers. Hazzard lights are blinkers.
I hope to be rich enough some day to afford infrared cameras recording all over my house to capture my best farts
What if people perceive the passage of time in different speeds?
Is it?
All my life my parents told me that I made the best coffee they ever drunk. I only now realized they said so because they didn't want to make the coffee themselves.
A dog asks humans: "How way I serve you?" while cats asks: "How way you serve me?"
I wonder how does an actual Nigerian prince use their Gmail. Do they just read a Spam folder, marking actual spam as non-spam?
I never liked the Shrek movies and honestly I think they’re F’in retarded
I've never sang "Happy Birthday" to someone on the day of their birth.
Can Michael J Fox feel earthquakes?
If John Cena wore a camk outfit. Would you be able to see him?
Will carpal tunnel surgeries be the gamer’s version of pitchers having Tommy John surgery?
When my boss goes on vacation it's kind of a vacation for me too
Do people who stutter also stutter while they type?
Everyone keeps telling me my life will get better in a couple of years. I've been told this for about a decade now.
2016 made Idiocracy seem real. Then 2017 made House of Cards seem plausible. Is Handmaid's Tale next?
Listening to alot of educational podcasts over the last year has noticeably and dramatically increased my conversation skills and content.
When will there be a machine into which I can drop any book, that will then read it aloud in Morgan Freeman's voice?
I have a feeling that earth is actually the island of misfit toys for violent beings. Maybe the aliens won’t visit us because everything on Earth is violent. Maybe every other universe has beings that have no violent tendencies.
How do blind people understand when to stop wiping their ass?
The statement "I'm dead" can never be true
Just my two cents, but adjusted for inflation it should be just my twenty-eight cents...
If someone says they’ll be there in 6 minutes I believe they will arrive earlier than if they say they will be there in 5 minutes
I can imagine that the worst part of being a dentist is probably that you have to look into people’s noses all day long.
Let me move back a little until the water is not so cold
I wonder who decided that the volume button is always on the left side of the remote.
There should be a function on computers such that you can tab different applications in the same way you can create multiple tabs on google. It would help with desktop congestion when you have many applications open
Putting on headphones is the universal symbol for, "I don't want to be bothered," but people think it's, "Please, I want to talk to you as much as possible!"
Things will be a lot different at the Def Leppard and Journey concert this year, but the most noticeable should be the lack of women on their boyfriends shoulders.
Most of the time when people say "Shut up and take my money" there's zero chance that any money is being exchanged.
Will Ferrell and Ron Perlman should make a movie where Ron plays Will’s older brother.
Do cats/dogs have 4 arms? 4 legs? 2 of each?
The first 10 seconds after I achieve orgasm, I have an intense need to learn something.
If a pregnant women goes swimming, does that make her human submarine?
Can insects get fat?
What if the first person to recognize their reflection as themselves ended up hating how he/she looked?
You had no clue I existed until you read this. Nice to meet you.
The only thing that hasn’t evolved over time is food?
I can never be in a rap beef with someone. I got waaay to much embarrasing stuff i did in my past.
The idea that two extremely athletic people should mate to create a mega-athletic human is the principle behind racehorse breeding
Ah, man, I forgot about Nike Shox. Those were weird.
What if baby pigeons are raised to be spies and thats why they are never seen in public
How would anyone on the Simpsons give a Vulcan salute?
ATM manufacturers should start building printers.
If failure gives you more experience than victory, online gaming should reflect this.
I used to think I disliked dogs, but then I realized that the dogs in my life are just badly trained.
Do flat Earthers believe that all the other planets in our solar system are also flat?
There should be a sub for writing thoughts that comes while taking a shit.
I don't care about Ice_ Poseidon. Yet, I know what he is doing nearly everyday.
If a Poodle and a Shihtzu had a puppy, would it be a pooshiht, or a shihtpoo?
I want to know about the person who first peeled and ate an orange. A sweet, delicious fruit trapped in a bitter prison. It’s hidden treasures revealed by someone who knew there must be more to this strange berry than its revolting outer layer.
What if sleeping is our natural state and we’re only awake to gather information for dreams?
Do you ever find yourself posing for FaceID? Like maybe it will recognize me quicker if I smile.
I feel like reputation-ruining secrets are common enough that they shouldn't ruin anyone's reputation.
How did James Cameron’s Avatar become the highest grossing film of all time, yet nearly 10 years later it seems entirely forgotten?
Facial recognition software is advanced to the point where there should be a website that compiles all of the photos you've intentionally or unintentionally photobombed.
Nothing says "I don't give a fuck" like your dog wagging his tail while you're yelling at him.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a sitcom scene featuring a clown that doesn’t end with little kids screaming.
As a man with a growing gut, I wish I could still see my flaccid penis when I look down.