After playing God of War all my internal thoughts are narrated by Scrooge McDuck.
How many times have I been the bad guy in someone elses story?
Nothing says "I don't give a fuck" like your dog wagging his tail while you're yelling at him.
There is no law that math should have PEMDAS yet if it didn’t exist many equations that define physics wouldn’t exist.
Ants are mother nature saying: so, you aren’t going to clean this up? I guess I will have to clean it up for you.
"I just wanna throw a bunch of ingredients into something and come home to a cooked meal." Whoever invented the crockpot
What if fashion trends don't just repeat every few generations, but we are reincarnated and like wearing familiar clothing.
I wonder if Yanni saw an uptick in sales during the Yanni/Laurel thing was going on
The Super Bowl should be best of 3.
Dentists should charge extra to tell you that you need to blow your nose.
Next year people will feel nostalgic for writing '19' once again
What IF We’re Not The ONLY Intelligent Life But We Are The Smartest
I wish there was a horn sound that is meant for the car in front of the car in front of you.
My dog loves his squeaky toys because it’s the same sound a small animal would make
What if Keke was the girl who originally asked Drake “Do you love me?” in “God’s Plan,” and now Drake is turning it around so she’s the one answering the same question in “In My Feelings”?
If Visa is everywhere you want to be, is not where you don't want to be?
People who ate spicy food for fun as a kid are probably drug addicts now
I wonder how many World War Two vets are rolling over in their graves.
Customers who say “the customer is always right” as a last resort is basically saying “I’m right because I told you so”
When you order a massage at the robot hotel in Japan (Henn Na Hotel), do they bring you a vibrator? Or is it a robot that massages you?
Are your favorite fries really your favorite fries without your favorite sauce?
Old people have this old people scent; it never bothered me until I visited my mum one day and she had that scent and suddenly, that made me sad.
What if the Sun “rising in the East and setting in the West” is talking about the rise and fall of advanced civilizations.
What if left handed people see the entire world inversed but we just can't tell?
I want to make a wall mount for young adults with roommates that has voice identification for when you say "Roommate, can you get me a beer?" and it makes an approval ding and keeps tabs on an equal beer-fetching system.
In a time where gender is defined by preference, how do we determine who fucked whom, and who got fucked by whom?
A broken clock is correct twice a day
For me, everyone and everything in the world only exists when I'm aware of them.
Saying to your friend "Can I borough some money" sounds way better than "Can you give me a 0% loan with an undefined return date".
Is it just coincidence that Dumbledore's wand look like anal beads?
Rich people saying "I've become a patron of the arts is basically them saying "feeding my ego is more important than feeding a poor family's belly".
Aren't the smartest students actually the dumbest people ?
I completely take care of my responsibilities yet I do it in the laziest way possible. Am I a lazy person ?
Tomorrow all children should have video recording technology that could be turned on and uploaded to the cloud when they feel threatened.
Genius people don't know what it's like to be average. Thus they should be the last people to be giving motivational speeches.
Humans are weird. We find a group of other humans and think to our selves, "Hmmm, I like these humans. I think I'll spend my time with them." Thats how we make friends.
If the parents of cousins are twins, are the cousins genetically the same as half-siblings?
If you live every day like it's your last, wouldn't your last day be like any other day?
If you weigh 100 pounds and eat a 5 pound steak are you 5% cow?
‘I’m reporting you!’ is the internet equivalent of ‘I’m telling mom!’
I wonder if there is a book of tricks, where all the “oldest tricks in the book” are stored.
“I’m reporting you!” Is the internet equivalent of “I’m telling on you!”
If geese could drive how would they honk at you?
On their deathbed, no one will ever say “I wish I would have spent more time on social media.”
If you drink enough milk, will your pee become white?
If Santa Claus was a pornstar, "Ho Ho Ho" would have a very different meaning
We missed an opportunity not making the word "symmetry" a palindrome
Chewbacca cannot say "Chewbacca." How does anyone know his name or how to pronounce it?
Since the song, it's probably really hard to find a Raspberry Beret at a second hand store.
There are music videos with hidden messages that got really damn viral. What about punny music videos? Why arent they all over the world?
If all matter/motion in the universe is bound by the laws of physics, and the human brain is a culmination of atoms and molecules abiding by these unbreakable laws, that means our thoughts/choices/feelings are really just mathematical inevitabilities
2019 will be the last year theres any teenagers who were born in the 90s
Considering the things humans have sex with today no one should be surprised we had sex with Neanderthals 41,000 years ago.
Dog tags are collar ID.
A wireless mouse should be called a "hamster" instead
When I first read Harry Potter, I thought it was a bit stupid that wizards not daring to mention Voldemort’s name. But then I remembered many buildings have no 13th floor in our world.
Jesus's birth must have been pretty sketchy from Joseph's perspective.
Labour contractions should have been called birthquakes
Wizards not daring to mention Voldemort’s name sounds cowardly at first, until you remember that many buildings don’t have the 13th floor in our world.
What is more Important Planning Prior to action or Making Planning during the course of action?
Reddit is the edgy side of the internet.
If the Reddit snap of /r/thanosdidnothingwrong was really supposed to represent the movies, the subscribers should have been banned from Reddit entirely rather than moved to a different subreddit.
It's crazy to think that google probably knows things about me that I don't dont even know about me. (or any of my friends and family).
Dog tags are just Collar ID
Kids today will probably never know the fear of getting a scary/weird phone call on a landline, while home alone at night.
My son will never know how scary it is to get a prank phone call from a landline while he is home alone
Reddit needs a user-polled "it's been shopped" button that shows the percentage of users that think an image has been photoshoppped.
There is no readily-available interface for Reddit that lets you post a Shower Thought whilst in the shower.
Dog tags are collar ID
Democrats should run the next election under the banner 'Make America Great Again'
If all matter in the universe is bound by the laws of physics, and the human brain is a culmination of atoms and molecules abiding by these unbreakable laws, that means our thoughts, choices and feelings are simply mathematical inevitabilities
I haven't seen a switcheroo in a while.
The gaming disorder race for the cure should involve Mario Kart.
Is the door handle of a public restroom wet because someone washed their hands, or because they didn’t?
Based on the Harry Potter movies, I think Lavender Brown has vitiligo.
What does air taste like?
"Training" is the new "My code's compiling"
Since activating Night Shift i've experienced more sunsets on my mobile than i have in real life
Whoever came up with the “I already wrote the ticket” rule should be shot
Is corn hole just the modern collegiate party activity to replace tossing horse shoes ?
If real eyes realise real lies, do natural eyes naturalise natural lies?
everytime you paint a room it gets smaller
Dogs are just wolves that have been gentrified
You know North America is doing alright because Sacha Baron Cohen was able to humiliate US politicians on ‘Who Is America?’, and he didn’t end up “disappearing” over night (along with his film crew).
I know I've gotten my life together when I start mailing people cards. The amount of effort that goes into that is astounding, and a handwritten card is a dying art.
Sometimes when somebody asks me a question, I'll say "What?" even though I heard what they said, because I need about 5 more seconds to think about how I want to response.
You'd think nutjob would be a dirty word, but it isn't
What would chairs look like if our knee caps were on the other way round?
Don't you think it's odd that some people call the # sign "pound" and they made a movement name #metoo?
So you expect me to believe that every comedian did something really interesting the day before every performance?
Pets must think we’re hypocrites. When they get outside without our supervision we call it “running away”, but when we go outside without their supervision we call it “running errands”.
kids who were born in 2010 are now around 8years old. they can't say "the internet wasn't a thing when i was born" they were born right during one of the major growth of the internet
Have you ever wondered that your whole life is a lie and aliens captured us to put some tech sht in our heads and to observe what humans will do to Survive. Maybe this is the reason why other 'Highly intelligent species' are not communicating to us, because their already controlling us. 😮
So everyone's expected to believe that every comedian did something really interesting the day before each performance?
If poison expires will it be more or less deadly?
Because of W, the word “double” is a part of the alphabet.
Imagine how laws would change if people had multiple lives.
Everyone who lived before the era of modern plumbing/sanitation probably went their entire lives without ever having what I would consider to be "clean hands"
Rabbits and other prey-type-animal pets living with a dog must be like living in a haunted house for humans
In golf, being subpar can mean you’re playing well or you’re playing below average
If men like women’s perfume and women like men’s cologne, then why don’t we just switch what we wear?
I wish people's cars had their age displayed on the back so I knew how upset to be at the quality of their driving.
We can represent the number 3 with the word "three", but we have no word to represent the letter H (or any other letter).
You are the finest actor of a film called "Life".
Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones should make a Johnny Cash cover band.
I’m confused
It's odd that people call the # sign "pound" and then someone named a movement #metoo
every time you paint a room it gets smaller
Saying “I was bored so I...” is just how people say “I do this shit during my free time”without sounding like a loser
Sometimes I think, "I was born in 1982. Some consider that a millennial, but I don't quite feel like one." Then I find myself at a restaurant ordering a bacon-avocado omelette.
Conditioner is basically just hair lotion.
If raping kids doesn’t does stop Mexicans from coming to America, a wall probably won’t, either.
People who shower only in the morning, go to bed with their daily funk. People who only shower before bed, spend their day in their nightly funk.
Theres probably a million different life forms in the universe wondering if theres life out there just like we do
When will narwhals return to reddit - we need them more than ever.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words are merely the smallest element of language capable of containing meaning in isolation and as such, could never directly produce the 4,000 newtons of force per centimeter required to break bones.
There should be an international hand signal for “yo, dude, you’ve left your blinker on for like 3 miles now.”
INS key actually does the opposite of its primary function
A lot more people would probably like religion if they weren't forced into it by their parents
Cough Syrup battle: how can this formul work as an expectorant AND a supressant at the same time per ingredients?
Why hasn’t the “knock-knock” evolved to start with “ding-dong”.
Tinder should have an app for transgenders called transginder
How Can Mirrors Be Real If Our Eyes Aren't Real?
Cancer is like a civil war inside your body.
Practice makes perfect, right?
Why is Braille painted?
Going to the Mars will be like going to America in the 1500s
We drive on a parkway but we park on a driveway
I underrated my family - see family portrait postings on r/oldschoolcool for explanation
When elementary school teachers ask kids if they "have enough for everyone" when the kids bring snacks for themselves, the teachers are inadvertently conditioning kids for communism.
If you wanted to stock up on something to trade in an apocalypse duct tape would probably be the best thing to stock up on.
What Déjà Vu is just the universe trying to show us that we don't have to experience time in a linear function?
Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?
A shaved head on a balding man is the “You can’t fire me; I quit!” of hairstyles.
People say Obama is black, but people say Meghan Markle is white
Suicide is the last thing anyone will ever do.
I wonder if I passed by strangers on the streets that killed me in video games.
If a priest or another clergy person officiated a religious ceremony, like a baptism or wedding, while being a habitual sinner, that ceremony would be null and void.
The thought to start the Showerthoughts page was the best Showerthought of all.
If we travel far enough in space, we’re going to have to find another name for solar power.
"Your Favorite Martian" has to come back to YouTube somehow.
What is the difference between roughhousing and horseplay?
Every symbol in the word 'LIVE' is also the symbol for a number.
Internet friends are pen pals that you do more than correspond via letters with.
Saying, “I found/got these online” sounds normal. Saying “I found/got these offline” does not.
Buzzfeed is like the Reader's Digest of Reddit.
Why do they sell orange juice refrigerated and all other juices just sit out on a normal shelf?
what if you’re allergic to a dinosaur, and you’ll never get to know
If traumatic events cause ghosts, then there should be WAY more black ghosts in the South rather than all these old colonial white people.
With advancements in self-driving cars and artificial intelligence, I think we could have a real-life Piston Cup race.
Microwaves heat up beans very fast, so the perfect food for microwaving should contain beans.
What if bubble rap was a genre of rap music?
What if hell is just fat guys slapping you with their man-boobs
What if our eyes are trying to evolve to not have to blink ever again, but they just keep resetting every time we blink? After all, you got to work through the pain to get results...
As someone named Patrick, when I pat someone on the back, if you think about it, they are literally getting me, Pat, on their back.
People are always taking pictures while holding large amounts of money as a form of 'flexing'. It seems impressive at first, but then I remember I'd have that too if I didn't simply put it in a bank
I have a theory about this genius...
Why would cinerella’s shoe fall off if it fits her perfectly
The one time I forgot to feed my dog he gave me sad eyes till I figured out, but if the cat’s bowl is empty for two minutes he’ll start running around the house screaming.
All guns should have a fingerprint sensor so only the owner of the gun can unlock it.
Groupings of wild skunks should be scientifically labeled as a "skank".
If my dog has a bone, doesn’t it technically have a boner
In 28 years I have never once seen somebody throw a newspaper onto a lawn
I wish I could ring my wallet to find out where it is.
When the Thai rescue team gets to the coach who also happens to be a monk, they should blast Dio’s Holy Diver
Do cats of different countries speak different cat languages?
How have I paid a dr to take my blood and test it yet I have no idea what my blood type is?
Why aren't groupings of wild skunks scientifically labeled as a "skank"?
A group of skunks should be known as a "skank"
If Thanos' glove had been right-handed, would it have been Stark, Cap, and the other half of the population that was taken?
How come left and right are mirrored in a mirror, but not up and down?
Do you think LMFAO are still shufflin’ to this day?
Unlockable can mean unable to be locked or able to be unlocked
If you put a giant ice block on top of a bonfire, would the ice block melt first and evaporate because of the heat, or will the water that has melted off the ice block douse out the fire first?
Space is dirty which is why meteors like showers
The worst time for an actual fire to start in a building would be during a fire alarm test
Today I've realised how much my laughter changed over the years, many times.
Candy crush games have probably costed companies closed to $122,500,000,000 from their employees not working and playing the games during their toilet break..
when something stinks bad, it is probably because a woman FARTED
The phrase "2 peas in a pod" is a little misleading. Most pods actually have about 10 peas in them.
If Dante wrote his Inferno today then the “Can you hear me now” guy would be in the devil’s mouth right next to Judas
People say that Steve Jobs died to soon. But I think it was a fitting metaphor for his company’s attitude to battery life
In the Pokémon world they eat Pokémon meat.
Healthy people take the stairs, but even healthier people take the escalator the wrong way.
It can be easier to make new friends than to keep old ones because the old ones have heard all your jokes and stories.
People who are really good at fishing are master baiters
Books are just extra T H I C C printed memes
How do you know if you ever succeeded at forgetting something you wanted to forget?
Statistically, most actual showerthoughts probably relate to water temperature.
My shower is too hot
It should be called leaving a dump, not taking a dump.
All hearing aid commercials should have subtitles
As an adult, eating Lunchables reminds me of watching CatDog while sleeping over my Grandma's house.
In my head all cats have foreign accents and dogs sound like really dumb Americans.
Gate keeping r/showerthoughts is the equivalent of admonishing someone for daydreaming improperly.
Egos are overrated, but Eggos are a sleeper candidate for what can go right when mankind gets their collective shit together.
Most people who see the post of advertising that they will advertise for you most likely browses reddit regularly and thus will not want to advertise here
Having a kid has made me the biggest pushover and simultaneously the hardest human being around. A ton of things will make me tear up, but talk about my kid and I’ll rip your arm off and beat you with it.
Doggy daycares have multiple webcams to check in during the day, child daycares have none.
what would anime look like inside an anime?
The best cover for a serial killer is to be a law enforcement officer.
Redditors who filter by new are reddit hipsters
The best part of self driving cars will be no longer being stuck behind old people.
The best part of self-driving cars will no longer getting stuck behind old people.
you're really only as clean as your bathroom
People distrust politicians, so they always want to elect outsiders whom they think will represent them better; but as soon as their elected official starts to actually work for them, they have become a politician.
Number 1 is considered best because it's first. But it's also the smallest number, which is the worst.
Who's human is this?
When people say, “Last, but not least...,” indicates that someone is at the bottom and represents a kind of inequality, per se.
It's kind of strange how even today we refer to all teachers we've had at school by their last name only.
People who wipe standing up are significantly under-represented in the film industry.
When someone disconnects from a call, their phone might have vaporized from a nuclear explosion whose hot gasses are quickly approaching your location
Christopher Columbus wasn't the first person to set foot in the Americas, but he was the first person to brag about it.
If I hear that stupid Kiki song again or see another video of it I'm going to blow my brains out!
A perfect Utopian society cannot exist. Every individual has a different idea of what a perfect world is. Human interaction will destroy any utopia eventually.
If we use CRISPR in the future to cure people of genetic diseases, do those people become GMO?
I need a microphone to keep in my pocket in case I say something awesome, so I can do a mic drop
Damn right!
Why don't all hearing aid commercials have subtitles?
If God created Man(Adam) first, then later created a woman only after Adam said "I am lonely", why did he give guys a Penis then? What did we need them for before he created Eve?
Every fun thing in my life is overshadoed by a voice that's telling me I have to proof myself first before I can enjoy it.
I wonder if I should rewash my balls?
I really like today's Google Doodle (S.P.L. Sorenson) but the economic loss to the global economy of all the people breaking from work to play the pH game must amount to millions of dollars.
Is our brain considered the first computer system?
They should bring back boy bands like Backstreet Boys and N'Sync.
The line from "Africa" by Toto: "It's gonna take a lot to take me away from you. There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do" sounds really creepy in the wrong context.
If you are born deaf, what language do you think in?
Doesn’t it reintroduce bacteria on your hands when your turn off the faucet?
If Japan is the land of the rising sun, is Brazil the land of the setting sun?
There should be a law, that every automated phone system for a businesses should have an immediate option to speak to a representative.
When Cinderella’s dress disappeared at midnight, why didn’t her shoe?
If my dog ever gains the ability to speak, it's gonna be real awkward considering how many times he's seen me naked.
I wonder if you took the cookie dough gobs out of Cookie dough ice cream and bake them, you would have chocolate chip cookies?
I love animals! Shouldn't every animal I cross while visiting unfamiliar places be considered my star-crossed love?
We should just build a wall of apartment buildings on the border and make everyone happy
Digital television guides should have a filter to only show channels you actually have
You should never trust a neurosurgeon that didn't install their phone's screen protector perfectly
The Karma system just reinforces echo chambers by rewarding whoever is most in-tune with the hivemind
Every single live decision you've made since you were born has led to you reading this sentence.
Retarded people are the only people for who it is socially unacceptable to call retarded.
Right now, during the partial lunar eclipse, there may be some people who have their shadow casted on the moon.
There's no synonym for the word 'thesaurus'
I wish I owned a police dog so that it could find my weed for me.
The Mentally challenged are the only group for whom it is unacceptable to call retarded.
You comment on a popular post, you don’t get upvotes because your comment got buried. You comment on a new post, you don’t get upvotes because the post got buried. You just don’t get upvotes :(
Somewhere in the world is the best picture of you, but you’ve never seen it because it’s in someone else’s phone
It should've been a mess when someone would look at a solar eclipse in the medieval ages and goes totally blind.
Kids are often told to handle their problems like adults, so were they supposed to go drink their problems away at a bar, like adults do?
In Gremlins, you can't feed them after midnight. What time designates BEFORE midnight, and what time does after midnight stop?
Outside of beaver fur and maple syrup, what are the other notable Canadian exports?