We have been officially taken over by robots
Carpet is just house grass
Pick up lines are just dad jokes for single people
Trying to explain the 4th dimension can only be done explaining how the 3rd dimension is viewed by creatures in the 2nd.
The only person who might win a high speed chase with the police is a train conductor.
Birds all around us are having sex.
There is probably someone out there who's shit doesn't actually stink but they don't want to sound like a narcissist by telling anybody
In the Star Wars universe, laser tag is just the equivalent of airsoft.
Jalapeño chips are always gamble between uncomfortable and painful.
There are more songs named after a girl than songs named after a guy
The benefits of being short
The real walk of shame is walking into and out of an elevator full of people only to go up/down one floor
Everyone is wearing a costume (unless they’re naked)
There is a good chance you are the last human to ever look like you.
Churros always sound like a good idea until you take the first bite
We all want to be the heroes of our own stories, until we want something that goes against our consciences, then convince ourselves we are the victims
The voice that says “Previously on Avatar” in The Last Airbender is in fact the previous avatar, Avatar Roku
Allergies are like a conspiracy theory where your body believes the air is trying to poison it
The music video for Imagine Dragons Believer is literally a guy getting punched in the face for a solid 4 minutes.
You can never remember the last day your child sat on your lap.
Setting your love as your phone background photo is the modern equivalent of putting their picture into a heart-shaped locket.
People used to use ice to make freezers, now we use freezers to make ice.
If ghosts are real, there is one within your self.
If no one ever thought of putting meat and cheese between some bread what we’d all probably be eating healthier
Seeing the moon during the day is an IRL version of those warnings in video games right before the environment changes
Sometimes we wear gloves so we don't get stuff on our hands, and sometimes we wear gloves so we don't get our hands on stuff.
We need E Coli in our bodies, but it's dangerous to consume foods with it.
Most people who are going to the theater to watch "mamma mia 2" don't know who abba is.
People sitting on metaphorical thrones are often literally full of shit. People sitting on literal thrones are often metaphorically full of shit.
In 100 years people will look back and make false predictions on what we thought the future would be like to create memes about how bad their society is
Buying compressed air is like buying a bottle of air, but with a use.
If P = NP, crypto is kinda screwed.
Rhubarb is the Devil's celery.
Any number times an even number will always be an even number.
If you can't trick a winner or a successful person, that makes you a winner too.
Bluegrass is to country what is metal to rock.
A bad vacuum doesn't suck, but an amazing vacuum really really sucks.
A crab is just a spider with armour
Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and the Alphabet song share the same tune..
Cramps are like pain orgasms
We were always told as kids not to talk to strangers, but thats basically all we do now.
When we are young, our parents worry about us going to parties. But when are older, our parents worry about us not going to parties
It’s not really breaking news if they go to a commercial before telling you.
All chicken is made of eggs
if managed to leave our galaxy, we wouldn't be able to catch up to it when we tried to come back.
Our eyes and hears both detect waves
Cigarette breaks are business, corporations and society encouraging people's addiction to a substance that kills people
The opposite of rhyming is alliteration
If the universe never existed, there would be “nothing” which by definition is “not anything”- but there can’t be nothing because there would have never been anything in the first place.
A/C repairmen will never experience comfortable working conditions
Trash getting recycled is the same as people getting reincarnated.
Somewhere there’s probably a turtle the exact same age as you are.
Volleyball is just a more intense version of don't let the balloon touch the floor.
Tinder gives you matches and the logo is fire,so you light the ones you like
Having rules in war, is the equivalent of telling your siblings not to hit you in the face.
Pennies are a dime a dozen.
You pay more for adding toppings to your order. But you still pay full price if you remove any.
If you can get lost in thought, you can get lost anywhere. Even in your own house.
New mixed drink idea : the Orange Russian.
Different types of humans are races but different types of animals are breeds.
Do they?
Lil Pump is 17 (yes, you read that right) years old
When you're trying to teach someone something, you are trying to put something from your brain into theirs
As a smoker, it's almost eerie to be able to naturally discern the direction of a less than 1mph breeze when lighting up. But we do it without fail.
Real estate agents are just matchmakers but instead of in love, they match sellers and buyers.
Humans and boats are the equivalent of aliens and UFOs for lobsters and the like
The hardest question for a centaur to answer is, “have you ever ridden a horse?”
Having teeth that look unnaturally white is not better than having teeth that are slightly stained.
Tenacious D is literally about a penis that doesn't give up.
Most of Saturday nights out are spent on Sunday.
The world's population would be a lot smaller if alcohol didn't exist
If the universe is truly infinite you really are the centre of the universe
Everyone would drink cheap if we didn’t have taste buds.
Coffee is just a stamina potion
The world would be a lot more handicap accessible if stepping on cracks actually broke our mothers' backs.
Only men seem to have second, secret families.
Pop up ads are just mute internet telemarketers.
People who say, “I’ll think about it” usually have already made up their mind.
Consolation prizes were the first participation trophy.
Everyday it's opposite day because it's the opposite of opposite day so it's not opposite day
Puking is a form of exorcism
Mayors should not have the authority to declare a state of emergency. At most, a city of emergency.
Our days would be completely different if we had a limit, of how much we were allowed to blink in one day.
Going through a caffeine cleanse is returning all those hours of alertness and energy with hours of feeling like garbage
People who enjoy poptarts without frosting must be mentally ill.
We're repulsed to eat food someone has breathed all over, unless its birthday cake.
Whilst I accept an X to represent a kiss, I do not, and will never, recognise O to be a hug.
We're living in a software and the times when we wake up feeling confused it's because our personality files didn't load properly
A panic room is the place where you feel the safest.
It is pretty hard to win an argument with someone dumb who thinks he is smart
As a kid Rhinos look like the most bad ass thing ever but as you get older everyone wants to tell you actually hippopotamus are the most dangerous thing. And its not something you want to fully accept.
The more an internet ad insists it's for real, the more inclined you are to believe it's a scam.
Snakes are all neck
Minty is just cold spicy.
Imagine a comedy show but instead of a laugh track it would play someone exhaling out of their nose or occasionally chuckling at the extra funny jokes
Cicadas make so much noise during summer, mate, and then die. They are the true ambassadors to: "Doesn't matter, had sex"
So we all know what RE-fried beans are but what about just fried beans?
The only good thing to come out of Fortnite is that kids are learning how kill it on the dance floor
The founder of Match.com lost his girlfriend to a guy she met on Match.com.
You don’t know if you’re sweating while in water
Funeral food is quite literally “to die for”
There must have been a time when pants were socially weird
If you are interested in forestry, it's because you're interested in forest trees.
Bicycles are analog cars.
When you’re sick, you think about how you can’t wait to feel better. You regret taking advantage of the time that you weren’t sick. Once it’s over, you never think about getting sick again until you’re actually sick again.
We have been liking the cats when we should be Loving the Dogs.
The best diet would be to have your refrigerator at too high of a temperature
The taste of mint is just the cold flavour of spicy.
Thumbnails are the theme songs of the internet age.
Many self-help books spend half the book telling you they are going to help you
A person with Type 2 diabetes would be a tasty sweet treat to a vampire
Buy 1 get 1 free is doubly true when it's a sale on birthday candles
Stop motion films are literally “moving pictures”
If World conflicts were resolved by playing soccer tournaments, Europe would still be full of superpowers
Grudges are nothing but bruises on our egos that we ourselves may not let heal.
Life is a journey and your body is the vehicle
Antidepressants are just viagra for the mind
Vehicle manufacturers make most cars for insurance companies, not for the owner.
If legends and myths weren't legends and myths, we wouldn't talk about them like we do today
"Paying in cash" is the new "Writing a check"
Traveling back to the 60s would be like traveling to a third world country
Lebron vs the Warriors in the 2018 NBA Finals is like Thanos vs the Avengers
Men with rounded, defined shoulders to women are like nice boobs to men.
I need a towel
Whoever coined the term coined the term coined the term coined the term
The more milk you drink, the stronger your bones, so you won’t break your bones more easily. Milk is a strength potion.
Sports jerseys are the socially acceptable form of cosplay.
If you think about a bear, bear in mind -
Needing a ID to buy groceries sounds a lot like nazi germany.
The game "Pick Up Sticks" seemed relatively safer back when kids had practice playing outside playing with natural sticks.
Jumpscare in movie can be avoided by looking in parents guide for Frightening scene
Asians are stereotyped as bad drivers, but no one considers the possibility that Pearl Harbor was an accident.
"What the fuck?" Is the most asked rhetorical question
We're so accustomed to seeing old people slow at either driving cars, or using new technology that it's not impressive, but absolutely jaw-dropping when one drives real fast or is a whiz at new tech.
If you think about it, a tricycle is just a unicycle with training wheels.
Hanging up on people went from angrily flipping the phone closed or slamming the house phone down to angrily pressing a touch screen.
Masturbating with super strength would probably hurt
Signs that tell you to not do something likely exist because someone did that something and it didn't end well
People are gonna freak out when they find out all Starbucks are going to be closed tomorrow.
We take the fact the most crickets chirp in unison for granted
If every person living in New York would donate you just 1$, you would be a multi millionaire.
No one chooses to be born
The era of cellphones has drastically decreased instances of fully-clothed people being tossed into swimming pools.
No more frozen dinners ! -Too hard to eat
Following the release of the iPhone 8 and X (ten)... Apple just set themselves up to potentially release the iPhone 9 and 11 later this year.
Somewhere on this Earth is the world's oldest H2O molecule.
The saying should really go: “When life gives you lemons... and sugar... and water... and ice...”
Movies about highschool life are usually for elementary school kids. Movies about elementary school kids are usually for adults.
Fashions change all the time, but attitudes rarely do.
If you ever think you are ugly, just remember that you look like your ancestors and they all got laid
Your teeth chattering in the cold is just your jaw muscles shivering
If raised the right way, a child could grow up to be terrified of bubbles.
There's nothing quite so satisfying as that feeling you get when you reach adulthood, have guests over, and send them home with food.
People pay money to go to a club to dance, but people pay even more money to go to a club to sitdown
Bald eagles don’t know that they’re the official emblem and mascot of the entire country.
Theres so much entertainment today and also today is the age where people get bored the easiest.
We identify ourselves as specific vibrations of air.
Your paycheck is a gift card you use at the bank.
The splatoon campaign backwards is killing a nation’s leader and then having that nation go to war with the other nation
The stock market is crowd funding for rich people
With "physical VR games" like beat saber, we are about to see a rise in fit gaming YouTubers who are gaming athletes
If you get a job at a bank, it’s no question that you won’t have to work on bank holidays.
We always visualize the past in the quality the cameras were at the time even though life has always been the same visual quality.
Martin Luther King and Anne Frank were both born in the same year but perceived as two different ages
A ‘full’ moon is only half a moon
Bikinis are the equivalent of posting nudes on Instagram and saying, "no nipple no ban"
A bayoneted weapon makes sense when you think of it like a gun with a knife on the end, but when you think of it like a knife with a gun attached to the hilt, it's pretty weird.
Taking a photo of your food is the equivalent of our ancestors drawing animals on cave walls.
I wear a blanket while i sleep not because i am cold, but because it gives me a false sense of security
People being born now will never understand online anonymity.
Batteries are the unsung heroes of Xmas/birthday gifts. Tragic
The more conspiracy theorists push strange theories, the weirder it will be if one is right.
A real-life tv would have pixels the size of atoms
"Love you to bits" is really quite disturbing.
Billions of years of evolution in which talking apes walk around on a spinning rock in space, what a story!
Thumbs have never been so important for written communications as they are today.
In video games, dying can sometimes feel nice in order to relax. Same thing applies to real life.
Like with snowflakes, you'll never see two identical popcorn.
People who complain, that we should use everything from an animal like "old timey" tribes, are usually those who don't eat hotdogs.
Every iconic movie death shown in a cinema has probably been missed by at least one person who really couldn't wait until the end of the movie to use the toilet.
The whole outcome of the infinity war would be different if starlord was not the biggest douchebag in the universe.
Mockingbirds are the asshole neighbors of the bird kingdom, proudly singing their melodic medley at 2am because they feel like it.
A blinking, noisy florescent tube is the modern equivalent to Chinese water torture
Ha, now you’re manually breathing.
The whole world can be a dogs toilet if they really want it to be.
Wearable technology will probably make it possible for us to significantly alter the way our shadows appear
If Blurred Lines had been released in 2018, there'd be anarchy
Vodka is the #1 cure for having a job.
Pilots are always taking business trips.
Academically speaking, The Saying "It's about the Journey not the Destination" is false.
Lincoln and Kennedy’s assassination happened in the span of a single lifetime.
So you sit ON a couch but you sit IN a recliner
Dead silence in reply is worse thing you can have in discussion or verbal conflict.
If calcium is a metal then milkshakes are metal smoothies
Being a door-to-door home security salesman must be the most frustrating job in the world
Santa has enough slaves to produce a 1+ toy for over 1/10 of all children and we all are okay with it
Fat Bastard was basically the reason Shrek became a thing.
Those that can, do. Those that can't, work at Home Depot.
When you mix all the colors in a painting pallette, you get a black-ish colour. When you point a beam of white light through a prism, you get a spectrum of colours.
Nights you have no dreams are really nights you dream of being dead
In space, you can’t tell if something is moving towards you or if you’re moving towards it.
Swimming pools are just domestic rivers.
Telling your parents you had sex 9 months ago is weird but proudly showcasing a baby is perfectly fine.
The first person to die from Marijuana is going to raise some serious questions.
When we plan something we are predicting the future
When you choose your wedding date, you never really take into account you’re creating a personal holiday you will celebrate (hopefully) forever.
We all kind of live on an island
The way the countours of the human face have evolved to minimize the amount of water that runs into our eyes is amazing.
The entire world is an insect cemetary.
Ford's luxury brand is Lincoln. Lincoln was assassinated at Ford's theatre.
The most successful and wealthy people usually have the least amount of free time.
Saturday is an illusion.Sunday is a delusion.Monday is confusion.Tuesday is a infusion.Wednesday is pollution.Thursday is an intrusion.Friday is the conclusion.
The Motorola logo looks like a top-down view of Madonna.
People have no problem eating ass, but won't eat food that touched a clean floor for two seconds
Robots are the new zombies as far as society’s apocalyptic fantasies are concerned
Locals get annoyed with tourists that come to see how beautiful the local’s area is
Who wants to play fortnite
Water is ironically not a lubricant
Their is enough food in the world to feed everyone on it
A dot is just a really short line.
Imagine how uncomfortable it would be if pets could laugh
Perceivers catch deceivers while judgers catch fudgers.
With all the details companies collect about you, they COULD send you a personal message if they actually wanted to.
Everyone (in this universe) thinks there’s another universe where something was different, so that means in the 2nd Universe everyone thinks of this one.
A court room in session is just one big Clue game where the accused has a chance.
11am feels so much later 10am
I guess we're going to read a lot of "last straw" puns after the recent ban of plastic straws in California.
Khalid is the black version of Chet Faker
Socks are just gloves for feet.
Driving would be so much easier if it could be done in third person view
Pink is the only common colour that’s simply a lighter shade of another.
You could technically put a danger of death sign anywhere, it would always be correct and justifiable
When you get dirt in your eye and you rub it until its gone, where does it go? 🤔
Grass is nature's carpeting
One of the hardest things in life is realizing you cannot force someone to feel a certain way about you no matter what you do
The drill sergeant from *Stripes* and the drill sergeant from *Full Metal Jacket* are equally accurate portrayals of a drill sergeant.
Life is to short for cheap toilet paper
Anne Frank and Martin Luther King Jr. were born in the same year.
Adults shouldn't sell high school to teens as the best years/times of their lives, but instead as celebration of their youth and growth as individuals
Graduation parties are actually for the parents; except the grad gets all the money.
Boiling water is basically inverted rain.
Tom Cruise is five years older in "Mission: Impossible: Fallout" than Wilford Brimley was in "Cocoon"
The only thing separating a garage sale and a bunch of junk on the lawn is a sign.
Getting a high five isn't that cool but being left hanging is super not cool
Saying something is “bone dry” could imply that it’s not actually dry, since bones in your body are always wet.
I feel like the worst part about being an adult is actually having to read your mail.
If your past was changed you'd probably never know about it because it would have been your reality your entire life
if there was a dystopian future we would've predicted it and no one would've listened
Wolverine would have saved a lot of lives if he had been an organ donor.
A bullet is just a bomb with a single piece of shrapnel.