So many people act like its okay to say all police officers are horrible people because a couple of them are corrupt, but they are also the same people who would crucify you for saying "muslim" and "terrorist" in the same sentence and say youre racist
Jesus can walk on water, watermelons are 96% water. I can walk on Watermelons so am I 96% Jesus?
Deadline is not a bad word.
When you clean a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.
It would be more obvious to express our age in distance instead of time. So instead of saying: 'I live as long as it takes the earth to orbit the sun 17 times', I say: 'I travelled around the sun 17 times'.
Why does everyone on tv have a recorded voicemail
Why do our salty tears not hurt our eyes?
Water is a bitch. It ruins any warm meal it's poored on, kills you when too hot, makes you lose your breath when too cold, yet you need it to survive.
Out of 2700+ Billionaires around the world, only one decided to become the Iron Man. His name is Elon Musk.
I bet people were so bored before electricity
Most shower thoughts probably don’t even occur while in a shower
If showering is necessary for removing impurities outside the body with water, is drinking water the equivalent of cleaning your insides?
Def people cannot say the words in their head when they read text.
When Thanos did the snap what if the guy who rocket stole the eye he gave to Thor vanished. Would thor lose the eye or are bionic limbs and such exempt, or is there now a load of random limbs everywhere.
The bot on this thread has obviously never had a shower, nor a thought.
See people don’t say the words in their head when they read text.
Eggplants are never used as a substitute for eggs. It would make a lot more sense to call them Pastaplants.
Saying "it's the least I could do" is just admitting you could've done more, but decided not to
To find out if someone is thinking of the future you should ask them what end they push their toothpaste from.
Buddha ain't fat, who you're thinking of is *future* Buddha, which is named Budai.
We know there is so much bad things people did in the past and thought were good. We could be doing something right now that we'll find out is bad for us in the future.
We dry ourselves off with dry towels, but a wet towel would be drying itself off on us...
The NFL is a patriarchy based on competency.
Most white people's dogs have better birthdays than I do
If four men tea-bagged one person at the same time, it would be called A four leaf clover.
If you had an infinitely powerful telescope in Star Wars, you could see galactic history through the telescope.
Actually had this thought in the shower
Reddit fucked up when they called it karma instead of creddit
During the stoneage, human's average life expectancy was 20 years. Human civilization survived, thanks to the now social taboos like sex with minors, incest, and polygamy.
If society was set up to help the youth excel past the old, instead of making the old more powerful/rich, This world would be in a very different state
Shit, I’m out of shampoo.
YouTube is the worst place to advertise if anyone can skip your ad.
The emoji 🌚 is a black face of the moon.
Donald Trump is like the weather. It goes on everyday, but we dont need to talk about it every 5 minutes.
Armstrong's first words on the moon would have been even more amazing if his surname was Mann
Feeling tired is the brain's way of saying go to bed I have work to do to your body
If you are on death row and are deathly allergic to something, you should order that for your last meal to stick it to everyone
Your thumb has scrolled past so many words
Magic Johnson wasted the worlds best porn name on a basketball career
There must of been a lot of kids who tried to get bitten by spiders after Spider-Man first came out
We can land people on the moon (and mars pretty soon), but we cant make fast food healthy and cheap.
The only shadow you can touch is your own — and you’re doing it right now
What if r/totallynotrobots is actually totally robots?
Edibles are going super popular at airports when weed is legal
Reddit fucked up when hey called it karma instead of creddit
What if we were classified not by race, religion, gender, etc. But, by what bed we were conceived on. I'd be an Ikea kid, wbu?
I forgot to turn the boiler on.
Buddha isn't fat, like at all. Who you're thinking of is Budai, which what *future* Buddha is going to look like. Which makes those "I have the body of a God" t-shirts way off. There's also a probability a person out there was rather thin when he got the t-shirt, and became obese later in life.
What if angry responses to offensive sarcasm were actually sarcastic, and people saying "you don't get sarcasm" were the ones that didn't get it?
All of the posts on the front page had no upvotes at some point. Including this one.
If I could fall asleep as fast as NPCs do my life would be so much better.
Being 15 and saying you’re halfway to 30 is like being level 50 attack and saying you’re halfway to level 99
Do Catgirls eat on the floor or on the table?
The word "kingdom" is slang for "king dominated."
How many words do you think your thumb has scrolled past?
Is Elastigirl from Incredibles thicc because she stretches her ass out or is she naturally like that?
If Beauty and the Beast is based in France, why is Lumiere the only one with a French accent?
The thought that this is probably the last World Cup where players are just as old or a little older than me, I would have gladly spared me to think
Why does the card reader when you’re paying at a store say “Welcome” when you’re leaving the store?
People who say "Can I ask you a question?" really didn't give you too much of a choice
What common household item today, will not be a common household item in 10-20 years?
1-12: I want basic pleasures, 12-18: I want to be popular, 18-65: I want money, 65-?: I want company, that's on average life in a nutshell
Jeff Bezos can give me $100 billion dollars and still be in the top 20 richest people in the world.
Shouldn’t it be “War of Tug” instead?
I'm a slave to toilet paper manufacturers. They have me for life.
I just now realized that Reese's Peanut Butter Cups was actually just named after some guy named Reese.
Why is the week"end" considered both Saturday and Sunday, when Sunday is actually the beginning of a week, not the end?
What if your mouth´s saliva production actually is your mouth sweating because it´s too warm inside there?
I am totally uncertain of whether the airline will bring me to my destination despite having paid them ~$800 to do so.
Have you ever thought that our reality is just a small spec In something else’s reality?
Odd we use the word ‘dozen’ to describe the number 12, when we could just say twelve.
Maybe God is real but his mic’s broken.
If Adam and Eve were the first people on earth, then everyone must be a result of incest.
What if when we die, we get to see statistics of our life? Ex: Total time slept, total words spoken, total money spent, etc.
It's strange that they made a Jason Statham movie about a prehistoric Megalodon and didn't call it Jurassic Shark.
"I'm up for" and "I'm down for" mean the same thing
Time travel will be invented when a woman say to the right man, "yeah, well if you can travel through time we can have a threesome with her."
If a thought is too deep it’s a bathtub thought
Kids nowadays won't know about how YouTube used to get stuck at 301 views.
If I was IT I would call people into my office and say "We need to talk about your internet usage" just to see how scared people get.
For every legendary Reddit post, there are 1000 awful failed attempts to intentionally create one.
Imagine if an aquarium was not a place for humans to look at fish, but actually a place for fish to look at humans.
“Froot Loops” aren’t called “Fruit Loops” cause they don’t taste like actual Fruit.
If the good lord wanted humans to live in Canada he would have made us a lot hairier.
I don’t think I’ve ever used a fan on the middle setting, only either low or high
🤔
The saying; “Never cry wolf” should be updated to “Don’t be a car alarm”.
With the rise of social media platforms such as Facebook, high school reunions are becoming increasingly obsolete.
In order to be designed intelligently for Canada humans would need to be a lot hairier.
Everyone loves it when Johnny Depp dresses up as Jack Sparrow and visits sick children, but what if the somalian pirate from Captain Philips visited sick children.
a shower beer is just the reverse of drinking hot tea when its cold outside.
If you’re bald, what hair color do they put in your drivers license?
Should have pooped first..
What's the point of the existance of the words "Vagina" and "Penis" if we can't even say them publicly whenever we felt pain in those area and have to use other words instead to describe them, even though they are supposed to be the less sexual variant of these words.
Not so long ago, selfie-sticks were called strangers and were voice controlled!
What if all monster folklore and superstition exists because at some point, we invent time travel and go back with scary costumes and advanced technology to screw with people?
Maybe its a thing and we will never know
Not sure if it’s a repost or I’ve scrolled down long enough stumbling the post I’ve seen earlier in the morning.
Despite the fact that they're in my nose at all times, I have no idea what boogers smell like.
The tree sap on my car has lasted longer than the paint
There was once a time when you were exactly twice, three times (or even a hundred times) older than everyone younger than you.
What if when we die, we get to see statistics of our life, for example, total time spent sleeping , total money spent, number of high fives given, etc.
No one has done more to solidify Obamas lasting positive image than the man trying to undo all his work.
How to meet a time traveller.
In order to show that a family member care about each other in movies, they should make them plug in the family member's phone in rather than put a blanket on them, after they fall asleep.
Poop and Shit mean the same thing. Yet ones a swear and the other one isn’t.
Does Brad Pitt’s armpit smell like a dirty pit or a dirty Pitt?
In the song Sexy Bitch, the artist says he wants to describe the girl without being disrespectful. But he then goes on to compare her to a hoe and call her a bitch multiple times. Even if she is sexy she doesn’t deserve to be called a bitch.
In the future "modern terrorism" will be glorified in the same fashion that Pirates are today
We use approximately the same amount of soap for just our hands and all of our bodies
Elections and the Youth
I can grow my dog/cats poop in the trash can everyday, but if I poop in a bag and throw it in the trash it is illegal and considered hazardous waste.
If the anti-vax movement continue as it is, we might see terrorist attacks where someone with Measles and Pox purposefully coughs all around crowded spaces.
You could go to sleep right now and wake up years in the future due to anterograde amnesia and today being the last thing you remembered
Sometimes I think TIL posts are learned by reading TIL posts.
Lasagna is actually spaghetti flavored cake
Whether someone says they purchased something online or offline, they mean the same thing.
Want to help prevent the spread of diseases? Hire one person for each bathroom to stand their silently, and judge everyone so they wash their hands.
Hire one person for each bathroom to stand their silently. The amount of people that wash their hands will dramatically increase, saving billions in the treatment of infectious diseases and easily paying the gazer’s salary.
If the English and Irish, after 8 major conflicts in 800 years, could come to America and see each other as Americans, viewing immigrants as Americans should be a lot easier
If Allen wrote a song in the future, and Future person named Helena calls Past-Allen from the future and tells him he wrote this song and hums it to him and suddenly he has this epiphany to write the same song... question is.. who really wrote the song? Allen or Helena?
My mother-in-law is literally my mother from another mother.
I'm slowly learning to be like how it is and do.
Do regular dogs see police dogs and see a police dog, or a regular dog?
Does it kinda fuck with anyone else that Humans are only able to have fully fledged, vocal conversations with other humans, and there is like no invention yet that will allow us to have the exact same experience with other animals?
If everyone had their midlife crisis when they're 50, life expectancy would go up.
I wonder what dinosaurs looked like while achieving orgasm.
Is there a longer lasting, more beneficial, accidental relationship than that between camera manufacturers and geologists, the latter of whom have given the former incalculable free advertising by using lens caps to denote scale in photographs for a century and counting?
Do regular dogs see police dogs and think, "Oh no! It's a cop!"
Having someone else in the bathroom with you is the single greatest motivator to wash your hands.
When you ourchase anything, youre just paying for a specific arrangement of atoms
If Sharks don't like to eat people why can you fish for sharks using pork?
Even though I know I locked it, I have to check the public bathroom door 15 times just to make sure.
So it's a given that the universe is just a big explosion - the Big Bang. What if our universe is just a firework in a gigantic giant's garden
When will Dippin’ Dots no longer be the ice cream of the future??
Video games that use random number generators should track your rolls and let you see how "lucky" you are compared to other players
Sound is measured in decibels, so loud sounds should be megabels...
Every day of my life feels like I just happened out of nowhere and all of my past is just made up memories
If fireman use water, waterman use fire?
I can't be the only one who wishes real life had real-time, video game style statistics
If you say a vacuum “sucks”, is it a good vacuum?
I think less of people who let a video play at anything lower than 720p.
If you wish for for the wishing well to not work, will your wish come true?
Why do cops have to meet quotes? That’s like forcing a cop to do more than their job.
Kids today who starts smoking e-cigarettes should probably be pushed onto a busy freeway.
11am and 12am should not be 13 hours apart
Amazon should have an option to donate items while you buy - making it easier to reach my $50 minimum for Fresh orders
If Blizzard released WOW Classic during the summer, I would not see the light of day this year.
Racing to fill up the entire bottle at the office water cooler before anyone else got there right after I just let a terrible one rip was the bravest thing I did today.
If light is faster than everything, how did the dark get there first?
I wonder if I’ve ever unwittingly played an online game with someone I know irl.
If you were to present me with any program that required fully 33% of its time in reboot, I’d consider that a major design flaw. Yet we just accept that as a normal part of humanity when we sleep for eight hours each night.
Darn it, I forgot to buy soap.
In the story of "Jack & Jill", why was the well located on top of the hill?
Actually whilst a shit decade in so many ways,to me the 90's was the some of the best we've done as a species in terms of cultural understanding.Not everything but a lot since then feels like the equivalent of empire strikes back.
Loyalty cards at restaurants scare me because Im afriad I'll be embarrassed how often I eat there. "Like damn, this bitch again"
I wonder how long it will be before vapers start yoyoing and incorporating yoyo tricks into their vape tricks.
If you spill a cleaning product, did you make a mess?
No rapper has thought of “I catch your bitch in the streets, then eat her ass like bonappecheeks” and I’m very disappointed
I’d want a u/stabbot in my life who I’d summon to stab me but it’d end up stabilising my life instead.
If you swallow a big enough ice cube could you coke to death or would it melt first?
What if tattoos just appeared on your body and you had to find the meaning of it
If I try killing myself, and fail. Shouldn't I go to jail for attempted murder?
Why am i expected to pay tips?
Why is it always attorney at law? Can you be an attorney at something else?
Honestly, why do Jews deserve an ethnostate but Germans don't?
Dog's sense may be 100,000 times as acute as our own, but when they meet you they still have to stick there nose right into your crotch. I'm guessing just because they can get away with it...
Ironically, abbreviation is a long word
"If she smokes, she pokes!" Smokers aren't sluttier than other girls, they're just more likely to separate from their group for a bit, allowing a man to approach her more easily
Arkansas is just the Kansas subreddit
The Nazis were the first people in modern history to start an anti-smoking movement.
There should be a way to capitalize numbers for added emphasis.
Chickadees are basically real life Pokemon
For as much as Reddit claims to hate social media, people don’t seem to realize half of the viral posts on here are reposts from Instagram ex. Barstool.
If deaf people cannot hear are they missing out on the humor in farting?
The word 'simultaneously' has more syllables than its definition: 'at the same time'. .
Maybe humans were meant to cause and perfect climate change in order to rapidly terraform other planets, when we inevitably have to bounce from this one.
Nobody will be able to make a film of the Trump presidency that is totally Serious / Dramatic
A 2nd Holocaust should happen. Only this time, target SJWs and Femenists
Would we all exist with the same consciousness we have now if we were born to different parents?
Teammates are on the same team. Classmates are in the same class. But why do we call them roommates when they don't share the same room?
If we combine fencing and boxing, would it become a battle of two Wolverines?
What if all those FBI agent memes are just a cover up made by the FBI because people are actually catching on to them and they really do spy on everything we do
How come we dont mention that our 'Front' hurts, but we do when our back hurts?
Journalism is the lowest profession in the world. I respect gravediggers more.
If feminism is about equality, why is it named after women.
If only Trump was a plastic straw.
"Infinity" is a word we created and are able to describe, but we'll never truly understand.
If mirrors reflect light doesn’t that mean the also reflect dark?
Most of the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or in love with someone else
There should be a grammar rule to help with remembering au or ua in the same way that “I before e, except after c” does
Denying the holocaust is like believing the earth is flat
The person who tells someone "You should write a book" is usually someone who doesn't read.
After being humiliated, via verbal assault, with no good come back line and then going home and thinking of what you should have said is like studying for a test that you already failed.
what do cocaine addicts do when they have common cold or blocked nose?
The Ballroom would make a good name for a gay dance club.
Considering nobody has ever actually confirmed any of it, Christianity is just a rumor, that managed to last 2000 years
What if someone is trying to assassinate me but they just really suck at their job and I keep missing all their traps?
Does the Kool-Aid man carry around and serve what is essentially a baby in his species, or just a non-sentient pitcher of his own blood?
The only good thing about being a teenager is being able to legally punch other teenagers
How come they don't have zombie animals in the Walking Dead? Zombies aren't opposed to eating animal meat, as seen from the first episode of the show when they tore down that horse. We should see the group walk past a deer, think it is just a regular deer and then BAM! Someone gets bit by a zombie!
Trying to keep my hair from sticking up after a haircut is like playing Whac-A-Mole.
Why the hell is the water so hot I barely even turned the knob
The first woman to give birth to twins was probably like wtf
Do regular dogs see police dogs & think oh no it’s a cop?
Dragonflies aren't nearly as interesting as the name suggests.
People don’t ever mention second world countries. Do they even exist?
Mayonnaise is just egg butter
Fans are like Robin Hood. They steal air from the room and give it to me
What did that dick farm brand end up looking like on Bam Margera’s ass?
After watching Coco, I realized one thing...
I've reached the stage in my life where everywhere I go all i see are single moms
what if Anti-vaxers were a hoax to get rid of all the stupid people.
What if the only reason Hogwarts uses platform nine and three-quarters is that Durmstrang and Beaux Batons use nine and one quarter and nine and a half, and Hogwarts is the newest school?
I wonder how many convicts would never commit a crime again if they were given the opportunity to get out of jail tomorrow
There could be only one person who likes steak, and they said they like steak. Then their friends (who don’t like steak) say they like it just to fit in. Then this could have gone on until everyone says they like it when they actually hate it and there is only one person who actually likes steak. :)
You can't re-read/re-watch mystery books/movies because you'll most likely remember the twist or solution of it
Are the FooFighters, Fighters of Foo or are they Fighters for Foo?
Why is there braille on the drive-up ATM? Surely we shouldn't be encouraging this activity...
Do fans steal air or create cold one?
I cant believe i will actually die one day
Grass is pretty much the earths hair, and we're the earths barbers.
Has anyone else ever wondered how dogs know what our ears look like?
bedtime was really because my parents wanted a break
I can't wait to be able to frame videos.
People who just came back from foreign holiday trips are irritating when they say to friends that you should have come with us
I bet a lot of people have fallen off a roof after deciding not to jump
Does the traffic in Manche Tunnel flow from right or left?
"Modern History" should not have been one of the classes of history (Among Ancient, Medieval, and Modern). Now, this class will keep on expanding and will need to be sub-divided.
a minute is 60 seconds, an hour is 60 minutes...Why didn't this pattern continue when time began being measured?
The God Question: If I found out that all of my thoughts came true on another planet, would I be able to not think about horrible things?
In Charlotte's Web, had the people actually viewed the writing in her web as prove of Charlotte being special instead of Wilbur, what would've happened in the story?
Condoms are the only thing that should be offered as slim fit.
What if we said “gasp” the way we say “wasp” and said “wasp” the way we say “gasp”?
So Pro Lifers say no to people having abortions because the baby is God’s creation. But then wouldn’t miscarriages be God’s abortion?
Songs are teaching me how to spell. First, "bananas" and now "friends".
If people dislike sea monkeys because they don’t live up to exceptions; well I have more in common with a sea monkey than I thought
I wonder if there are times on the clock that I've never seen.
Pool drain failure has been way less of a danger than I was lead to believe as a child.
What came first? The mime or the clown?
Women constantly make rude comments about shaving my beard without a second thought. I wonder how they'd feel if I told them their haircut looked like shit every time I saw them?
Animals don't receive sex ed. When they give birth do they just think, HOLY FUCK WHAT IS THAT THING THAT JUST CAME OUT OF ME? ...I think I'll take care of it.
Why isn't there a meth culture?
If there are no souls and we are just biological creatures with cells being replaced all the time, then don't we as individuals only exist for fractions of a second before someone else takes our place?
It’s good that nowadays we have organized international sports as an outlet for nationalism. I’m sure it keeps a lot of petty wars from happening like back in ancient times.
Are there different types of lemons?
I wonder if any of the times I’ve said “I see you” to my computer, the NSA was actually watching...
Was the NSA watching during any of the times I said “I see you” to my computer?
If a company goes bankrupt, would it be no one's business?
If you freeze a non-water liquid, and then set it outside, is the condensation all water still????