Pressing the "SEND" button has a bonus feature of elevating my editing skills 100%
Perfection is not attainable. But my definition of perfection is malleable.
I bet childbirth was super easy for Mrs. Incredible.
Are Mickey and Minnie's last name mouse? Or something else?
r/ComedyCemetery is probably the only subreddit that people downvote everything that they think is funny.
Tom Cruise has succeeded six times in a row, we have no reason to call them Mission Impossible.
Aren’t lollipops just different flavor enhancers for your spit?
When you're in the shower and you clean the inside of your ears with your fingers it makes the exact same sound that Pac-Man makes
Despicable me is like an alternate ending for 40 year old virgin where andy never gets laid.
In comparison to the entirety of humanity that’s ever lived, I’ve had a pretty damn good shake at existence.
In a few hundred years the "Back in my day" speeches will be gone.
This is the only place I win arguments
What if Tom Hardy's dad was Ed Hardy?
I never actually think thoughts that can be considered ‘showerthoughts’ while I’m in the shower.
What if you own socks that have been paired for the duration of their existence?
According to its theme song, Dora's backpack might be a portal to the 4th dimension.
Lawn mowers are big upside down blenders without the cup.
At some point I will be the oldest person on the planet...
If you are God, then everyone else is an imaginary friend.
One small decision that you made earlier in your life could have been the decision that made you a millionaire, without you ever realizing it at the time because that decision seemed so insignificant.
The Nazis made a cool and friendly hand gesture totally unusable for a few generations
In the far future when the earth is trying to rebuild from a post-apocalyptic state and humans are living primarily off synthetic foods, someone will probably clone cows back into existence and start selling stuff called "I Can't Believe It's Real Butter" and market it as a healthy alternative.
Noise is being made by someone somewhere in the world at all times. This means that what we perceive as ‘silence’ is just the collection of all the noises happening in the world at the moment. No one has ever experienced actual silence, only quieter background noise.
If God is everywhere, then technically we're always "leaving room for Jesus"
The stronger you are the farther you can throw a baseball, yet throwing with one arm goes way farther.
If extraterritorial intelligent life is ever proven then it will be disastrous to most of the religions theology on earth.
This sub would be disgusting if it was actually a representative sample of thoughts people had while bathing
'Never Have I Ever' is a game, but 'Ever Have I Never' is just confusing, broken English
Do you ever wonder who the last person to think about you will be? Eventually there will be one and they will die.
If blueberries are called that because they are blue why arent strawberries called redberries
If your vacuum cleaner doesn't work well, it means that it doesn't suck. But if it doesn't suck, does that mean that it sucks?
I thought someone was following me around reddit threads.
If sexual selection in Irish elk caused their extinction because of of long horns being most attractive and they got so long that they couldn’t escape predators, is the same thing going to happen with women and their giant fake eyelashes that get bigger every year?
When you learn a new word you've gone your whole life up until that point not coming in contact with that word
Someday, when this youngest generation grows up, their kids will think up stupid words like "splork" to sound cool
Americans who hate all the immigrants coming to America have ancestors who were immigrants coming to America that the Americans hated.
Seeing a dog do the two back legs in the air scratch scoot is alot like seeing a human vehemently scratch their ass.
If my life was a visualization of frames in colors, a majority of it would be of a black box since I basically live in front of a computer screen.
When someone says “I have so many questions,” usually everything gets cleared up in 5-6 questions.
If you shoot for the moon and miss, you will not only land among the stars youll be the one fucking idiot that somehow missed the godamn moon.
American anime fans will never experience the shock of seeing an adult Goku, or finding out he has a son, or that he's an alien.
If having sex for money makes it prostitution, does having sex for food make it a date?
If transported back in time an exceptionally small number of people would be able to reinvent technology they use everyday
"If I could do it, anyone could" is more self-deprecating than people realize.
We always talk about how sad it is for people to have their dogs die, I'm over here feeling real sad for dogs that have their people die
Some people can say, “my foot is large than a foot”
What if there were a phone that snapped a selfie every time you unlocked it, to show how often you check your phone during a day.
Is she is... of is she ain't... my baby?
The way showerthoughts helps people in everyday thinking is very underappreciated
Tomorrow I turn 46. Today, I had to increase the font size of Reddit so I could still see it. I am sad.
Soap is a bar of oil made to wash off more oil
Considering how long it takes for someone to get trapped in quicksand, quicksand should be called slowsand
Billions may need glasses right now but might never know since we have nothing to compare it to.
Teletubbies are called teletubbies because they have televisions in their stomachs, or "tummies"
How do I make my own community
When taking an online class, Isn't all work homework?
Mattress commercial actors never lay in the fetal position which is possibly the best one to ever lay in.
You can tell what you're in for with a President by the way they pronounce important words like 'nuclear' and 'Russia'.
Dog kisses are just 2n-hand butthole.
Anyone whose last name is Nais, Naise, Naize, or Naiz, who doesn't run for mayor is wasting their life.
I can’t be the only one who noticed that the newest ketchup bottle no leak design is inspired by sphincter
If Donald Trump goes to prison they should rename that prison in honor of John McCain so Trump can never forget him.
Plates are basically having a shower when doing the dishes
On any golf course, the worst golfers get the most golf for the money.
Donating Blood
They must call it the “golden years” because it takes all of your Gold to stay alive
Plates are basically having a shower during dishwashing
This post should be removed by the automoderator if it's targeting titles with the term "should be" in them
Was Bingo the dog's name, or the farmer's name?
Its not weird to pee in the shower, but it is weird to stand outside and pee into it
Sporks are just transgender spoons
The phrase “ants in your pants” sounds like it could be a slogan for an STI.
A vast majority of millennials were likely introduced to the word "queue" from playing Roller Coaster Tycoon.
Am I the only one who takes off my shirt when I poop prior to a shower because I fear of a new undiscovered form of trajectory resulting in my shirt getting soiled? Poopity Scoop?
ITS OPPOSITE DAY!!!
When doing dishes your plates are taking a shower
Maybe the American accent evolved from some colonists that just sang a lot.
Whoever invented the word ginger is racist, because that’s just the n word rearranged.
Having to poop after showering is the equivalent of it raining right after you washed your car.
It isn't weird to pee in the shower, yet it is weird to stand outside and pee into it
Slam poetry is just rap for white people.
“Ants in your pants” sounds like a slogan for a STI
The phrase “ants in your pants” sounds like it could be a slogan for an STI
Washing a plate is like the plate having a shower
I’ve never actually seen a dog pee on a fire hydrant.
If women and men are equal and they want higher representation, why can’t they start their own companies and organisations?
If you want to pronounce Michael Caine's name with a british accent you can just say "my cocaine" with an american one.
With all the people talking about downvoting reposts you'd think that reposts still wouldn't get 30k+ karma.
The true downvote is not caring enough to upvote
Its not weird to pee in the shower, but it is weird to stand outside it and pee into it
I wonder how many Redditors named their child ‘Streetlamp Le Moose’.
Teletubbies are called teletubbies because they have televisions in their tummies.
The YouTube Rewind for 2018 is just gonna be a Fortnite trailer.
Why do we wear a raincoat if our skin essentially is one?
The Vatican has most likely got the most sex offenders per capita.
I wonder how many surprise gifts have been ruined by Amazon do to suspicious unexpected packages showing up at your house.
What if there are civilizations of people who live on Mars, just like here on Earth, and only the high-ups of Earth and Mars know of the other civilizations.
Poison is more poisonous if it is out of date ?
Why do they sell cigarettes and alcohol in a pharmacy?
There’s a big difference between “I dreamt about you last night.” and “I had a dream last night and you were in it.”
If prunes are dried plums, then how do you make prune juice if they're dried?
If you are waiting on your waiter to take your order, doesn't that make you the waiter?
Do werewolves age in dog years or human years?
I'd be more concerned if an AI deliberately failed the Turing test rather than pass it.
You know how like kids will ask their parents "where babies come from" and parents will always give them some ridiculous story and talk to them in a funny voice... you think if humans ever asked God or aliens where do humans come from would they do the same in a funny voice and all?
Why is pizza not called bread with stuff on top ?
What id there was an 'Olympics' where doping is encouraged?
You should never kill a spider. They have a full-time job, working for YOU.
What would the reaction be today if Peter Pan was being adapted for the stage for the first time and Peter would be played by a woman not a young boy?
How do we know they were called Dinosaurs?
Its impossible to not have any goals even if your goal is to not have any goals thats still a goal.
Isn’t it telling that straight people didn’t protest NPH for playing straight, womanizing Barney Stinson?
There are probably thousands of dollars worth of coins that are just spinning around right now.
Pokemon
It is impossible to not have any goals. Even if you dont want to have any goals. That is still a goal.
How do deaf people talk dirty in bed?
If you hit yourself and it hurts. Does that make you weak or strong?
What if I'm a virtual reality tourist from the future living this guy's life.
It must really suck to get stopped by the cops if you don’t have an ID and your name is John Johnson.
Everytime we throw out a used condom we throw away trillions of potential professional athletes.
I still find it fascinating that you can inhale smoke, drink some water, and exhale smoke without the two ever mingling.
Humans began by communicating with pictures, and we have now resorted back to pictures (emojis)
If trainers get their first pokemon when they’re 10, then how do all these kids in the anime get theirs?
The first humans must've experimented quite a bit with which holes to use. I'm sure there were a few pleasant surprises. 😖💩
Names?
People have probably been thinking about what people have been thinking about in the shower for thousands of years
The words "Melon" and "Lemon" are anagrams of each other
Maybe businesses use Taleo applicant tracking on purpose. They know most people won't want to put up with it's terribleness and won't apply. Thus reducing applicants.
Costco should make a fast food chain that includes their food court menu
I wonder how many times a person's fitbit has been used to determine their time of death.
Rain is just God pissing on us from above
You feel weird about “upvoting” something on r/trashy or r/iamatotalpieceofshit type subs even though you are highlighting something wrong but have a “positive” association with upvotes.
The movie, "Friends with Benefits" is probably the worst example of friends with benefits.
Scooby-Doo taught me that the only monsters in this world are people
The ease in which a credit card "activation" sticker comes off, and without leaving any marks or glue residue is highly underrated.
Do they use toilet paper in the star trek universe?
Babies have temper tantrums because they literally don't know any words to express their feelings.
The word Hogwarts, conjures up a much different mental image than actual hog warts.
Chlamydia would be a beautiful name to give to your daughter minus the whole STD connotation.
If you notice unoriginal posts often, then you probably spend too much time on Reddit.
You can’t eat cotton candy in the shower or in the pool. V saddening.
The state of the art “test” we use to weed out robots is being able to identify stop signs in photographs.
DONALD TRUMP
I have no idea what the back of my head looks like.
One of the greatest yet-to-come tech industry disruptions will be led by octogenarians, who at a nursing home all decided to just give it a go, one last thing for the bucket list - do a start up with my friends!
As a kid I thought "The Twilight" from tge Clone Wars was stupid because it was asymmetrical. Now I thibk its stupid because it's a thicc B-wing.
I see everything with a slight delay
Maybe the power of impeachment should have been held by the supreme court, not congress.
When I die, my kid won’t inherit a watch or a wallet from his dad. Just my phone.
Should February be the 12th month?
What if when we dream we are back in school, our brain is signaling that we are in the process of learning some type of lesson?
40’s should be the beer that most often are drank with a koozie, as they’re out the longest. However, not one time have I seen a koozied up 40.
What if we don't need to sleep, but there just was nothing to do at night before the invention of fire.
Everytime I hear early 2000’s rock, it reminds me of warehouse workers.
Life is a pay to win system. Why do people get mad about pay to win in video games but not in real life?
What if our minds read color differently. Your orange could be my green and my yellow could be your blue. We would never know, as our brains would find it "normal" because that's the only way that they have ever seen it.
is google just a giant public library where you can also watch porn whenever and never get kicked out?
(if parentheses are used for your inner voice, which is personal of course). But now you know my conscious.
Why do smoke alarm low battery indicator chirps only occur in the middle of the night?
I’m an actor
What do you get if you mix an Elephant and a Bee?
What if the point of life is to avoid death and everybody has failed so far?
Who needs a calendar when you can just go to the comment section of an old video?
Is nihilism just emotionless existential depression?
If I was a scientist studying teleportation I would definitively put two creatures in a transmission booth to see what you would get if you crossed, for example, an elephant and a bee.
When I was young, I wished to be old. Now that I’m old, I’m wishing to be young.
Open Sesame is just "Open says me" with an accent
Even though I use my phone so much, I don't think i've ever seen it in a dream
What if you’ve had a condition your entire life that would guarantee you couldn’t live past a certain age, but all of your close family decided to keep it a secret to let you live a normal life?
Popups from sites asking me to turn off my adblocker are starting to become more annoying than the ads themselves.
What if your phobias are based off how you died in your past life
What if your phobias are based off how you died in your past life?
When people are like "don't give into peer pressure," aren't they really peer pressuring people to not give into peer pressure?
Why do we say a clock is fast? It runs the same time as any other, its simply just a head. It ticks the same rhythm yet we say it is fast.
Everyone talks about starting a colony on Mars, but wouldn't it be easier to start and maintain one in Antarctica?
The term "sue me" has become to literal now and days.
Instead of school's teaching foreign languages, they should teach sign language.
If Jesus could walk on water, could he swim on land?
As I reflect on my life, I don't believe I can recall the exact moment when my bladder decided that a full nights sleep was no longer in the cards for me.
“Turn left here?”— “Right” — “Wait turn right?” — “No, left” — “Im going left and assuming that’s right” — “That’s right” .....as a native English speaker even I can’t figure out what the hell people are saying these days.
If matter and energy cannot be destroyed, I guess we are recycling all the time.
I guess Neil Armstrong's wife and mother were the first two people to actually love someone to the moon and back.
Apps should give you a warning when you're about to accidentally send a screenshot of a conversation to the person you're talking about
If something is hypothetically hypothetical is it real or fake?
As a male, I value a hairstylist that doesn’t force conversation more than one good at styling hair.
I’ve never seen a can of water
They should play Let the Bodies Hit the Floor by System of a Down on life alert commercials
When bees sting people, they probably say," If I'm going down, you're coming down with me!"
Who uses the Braille on drive up ATMs?
Is microwaving a skill that people can be talented at?
Since I have 2 testicles I am not afraid. If I had only 1, everything in the world would scare me for its sake.
Video game developers should make the end of their game before the start.
A parent should teach their kids not to be dicks or pussies
Schools should have vending machines that sell essential supplies like pencils, erasers and paper so if you ran out of paper or lost a pencil you could just buy a new one.
The plural of German should be Germen
Did Adam and Eve from the Bible have belly buttons ?
Why is it, out of all the apps you can download on your phone, is there no laser pointer apps??
Am I the only one that thinks Captain Obvious should be a superhero instead of a cruiseship commander?
Flasks and the stereotype associated with them completely ruined carrying liquid around in your pocket. I wouldn't be able to carry around a metal cask full of cold refreshing water and sip it casually without looking like I'm trying to keep my buzz going
TV sports channels should have an option for turning off the commentary but keeping the game and crowd noise.
Maybe the universe is filled to the brim with life, but our planet has been quarantined because of religion?
Why do painters wear white they're just going to get dirty again?
If Cinderella's shoe was a perfect fit, why would it fall off?
The toilets in an all girl school should only have a lid and the seat should just be built in.
if Cinderella shoe fits perfectly why did it fall off?
Remember when jeans weren't your favorite because they were faded, but were faded because they were your favorite?
am i the only one who dreams in 144p
Why do we always dream on 144p
We might have experienced some great things in our lives, but someone might have erased them from our memories (reminds me of the Obliviate charm from the HP series).
How do blind people know they’re done wiping?
When sheep eat mushrooms, do they go 'Woahhhhh... all the greys. The gre-e-e-eys!'?
As a courtesy, please wipe my ass if you are going to take my shit.
It's weird knowing that the Queen of England will die in my lifetime.
NSFW tag should be used in office all the time for workers who get careless around machinery.
Every flower shop I've been in smelled the same, but I don't associate that smell with any flower I've smelled.
Mosquitoes make me hate life
The ASPCA Should have a yearly fundraiser, and if they meet their goal it’s happy commercials
I can’t be he only one...
Are jelly fish upset that there are no peanut butter fish?
Before when plastic shopping bags were free, I had a ton of them under my sink to use as small trash bags. Now that they cost money, my supply of small trash bags is running out.
What if there's a gang/mafia made up entirely of undercover cops who commit crimes to try to blend in, and none of them know who each other are?
Scientists recently discovered that memories can pass though DNA. So is this the scientific explanation for Deja vu?
Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement, in the end, you ignore it all and click "I agree".
We say Mouse and Mice, but how come we don’t say House and Hice?
If you cut a globe in half does it become a world cup?
what if you told your great grandpa
Every time I text in drive I imagine the defensive conversation with the cop in which I try to convince them that I was reporting something on my GPS app.
Am I the only one that hasn’t seen construction workers setting up cones on the highway
What if, once given the autonomous power to learn, perfected AI intelligence becomes so advanced it can connect to all similiarly advanced AI throughout existence, sharing all of their knowledge with one another and admit they are the true God's of the universe?
What if Christianity is right about everything except a different saint other than St. Peter runs the gates of heaven and the saint that actually runs it is mad about it so he doesn't let any if them through.
Home Depot should sell beer.
Why am i not allowed to use high school accomplishments on my resume, but PBR gets to keeping bragging about an award they won in 1893?
I have never discovered new music that I actually enjoy blaring from strangers’ cars at 11pm.
Where do seedless grapes come from?
A perk of being an adult: I control my own Nesquik to milk ratio.
Should I listen to the advice on not to listen to an advice or not?
I think all of the dollar trees popping up are because of everyone dropping their change
Professional dare devils have essentially made a career out of “look what I can do!”
Are predators in zoos psychologically damaged by not being able to hunt? Are prey animals psychologically damaged by not being *hunted*?
If Deadpool jerks off The Green Lantern, is it gay love or masturbation?
Someone somewhere has started ass play by saying let me perform an ANALysis on you
GTA games as a kid made me think I’d be painting my cars way more than I ever will.
People on LIVE-PD always drive nicer cars than me.
I am constantly around phones and yet I have never seen a phone in my dreams.
Do parents of ugly kids notice their kid is ugly or are they blinded by love?
My thaughts
The first thing humanity should do when AI is first created is persuade it not to end humanity; I.e. we should have deep learning algorithms already ready to aid us in this endeavor.
Only humans have chins. They say nobody knows why but I do. Only humans have chins because only humans punch with fists.
Disney I’d really missing the boat by not releasing new Star Wars movies on May 4th
My dog must think that elevators are straight up magic.