If pooping is dropping the kids off at the pool. Would pooping while in the tub be a pool party?
Double yolk eggs are unlucky for people trying to have just egg whites with their breakfast
Youtube is on top of the list of both the best and the worst sites that we visit. (Entertainment/Time loss)
Walter White should have made coke
Why do the powerpuff girls go to school if they have super powers and are stronger than any human in the world
The generation that says today kids don't know why the save symbol is a floppy disc is the same generation that don't know where the enter button symbol come from or sometimes called the return button
Why do people say “It’s just allergies” after they sneeze. As if it makes it any better?
Storm, Magneto, and a few more X-men could easily reverse global warming over a few year. Professor X could just make everyone help and make it faster.
If I were ever in charge of designing a flag for a small town, I'd make it tacky and horrible so someone in r/vexillology would redesign it for me for free.
You can’t please everyone, learned this the day I lost my virginity.
There is a number that defines excitement and childhood for each of us. Its the channel cartoons were on.
There should be a version of the baker's dozen called the "flaker's dozen," where it stands for 11 instead of 13.
They say if a tree falls in the forest, and nobody hears it does it make a sound, but if a person is alone do they exist?
If a contraction is the shortening and joining of two words, then "can't" is not a contraction.
"I've got an ICO you might be interested in" is the new "I've got a bridge to sell you"
The gliph above the letter i in define is hidden
Thank god emails don’t have read receipts.
All of the stuff that I dreamed of getting for Christmas as a kid is exclusive to Goodwill International today.
Word with one use
Because Thanos is a meme now that means he is going to have to die in the next movie.
In Shawshank Redemption, If Red can't pee without somebody telling him so, how did he pee when he ran to Mexico
The word Alphabetical was probably chosen to describe order to letters as it has A-->B-->C in its name. (AlphaBetiCal)
There is a regional number that defines excitement and childhood for everyone. Its the channel cartoons were on.
The word riddance is only ever used in the phrase “good riddance”
Because I was baptized I probably deal +5 holy damage
Is techfuck in french technique?
The new version of “fake it ‘til you make it” is “meme it ‘til it means it.”
I cant fathom what it feels like to have August be a month where you look forward to warmer temperatures.
The best of the worst is also the worst of the best.
The only thing conservatives in the US are conservative about is helping those in need.
The i after the f in define doesnt have a dot.
I guess now that toys-r-us is closed it's officially time to grow up.
Wouldn't it be cool to see the real people who came up with your name? (
They should have an episode of The Price is Right but with guessing prescription drug prices
Ted talks, but does Ted listen?
The only thing conservatives are actually conservative about is helping those in need.
After awhile Jesus’s hands would have healed over and then he couldn’t really show people the hole in his hand.
If LGBTQ2 etc stands for you sexual preference, is being a pedophile a gender?
Reddit is instagram but for adults
If dogs are man's best friend, what are other animals relationship to man?
Table tennis is miniature tennis, but snooker isn't miniature anything. I've always wondered why nobody pushes giant balls across a sports pitch with a battering ram.
Someone could have invented the time machine but after too many disruptions of the timeline went back and stopped themselves and we’d never know.
Taking a smooth dump in the morning is the best feeling in the world but we never tell anyone about it.
Flipping through cable news these days is kind of like watching a trial. Trump is the defendant, Fox News his attorneys, and MSNBC/CNN the prosecution.
If everyone just talk and write like normal human beings we wouldn’t need to memorize vocabulary words
Saying “I know it sounds cliche” has become a cliche.
We should be seeing "Only 00's kids will remember!" posts pretty soon.
The "upside down" wouldn't exist if the Earth wasn't flat
If robots/AIs took over, couldn’t we just throw water on them?
Everyone is out there wishing for all these cool super powers, and here I am wanting the power to rewatch good movies like it's the first time I'm seeing them.
I like to imagine myself being in a meme world,where all the memes ever created in the history of humanity would become alive and talk and express feelings like a human being....I wonder what would they act like if it really happened!
If pokemon were real we wouldn't call them by the thing they say
Saying "Only God can judge me" is a real quick way for everyone around you to start judging you
Imagine being depressed and killing yourself, only to find out the only emotions ghosts possess is sadness.
Why was that guy so desperate for a cow that he was willing to give up his magic beans for one?
Taking a smooth dump in the morning is the best feeling in the world.
We don't thank Trump enough. He's made the last two years feel like 10.
Why is it a man, two men, a woman, two women, but a human, two humans?
I wonder if the inside of your nose has a smell. Like every person has their own unique inner nose smell that is subconsciously overlooked.
One of the best indicators of the difference between Gen X and Millennials is remembering the Baby Ruth in the pool.
Everyone is out there wishing for all these cool super powers, and here I am wanting the power to rewatch good movies like it's the first time I'm seeing them.
I be poppin a boner when I hear the word “dude” cause maybe it almost rhymes with “boob”. Meanwhile these porn dudes got a half chub with three girls suckin on his piece.
They should have set Cabin Fever at Camp Crystal Lake shortly after the end of Friday the 13th part VII and the reveal at the end could have been Jason’s body was decaying in the lake and thats were were drinking
Dogs seem as likely to be trapped in a species-wide case of Stockholm Syndrome as they do to really love humans...
Middle school, high school, why isn’t elementary called low school?
Once you learn a new word up until that point you've gone your whole life not coming in contact with it
I think David Koch is running for office in 2020.
Round and rotund mean pretty much the same thing and only differ by the letter t
If you havw a bad case of the hiccups while you're stuffing yourself at a buffet, is it possible to vomit? 😓
The world needs more dead nazis.
I’m taking a hot shower but turned the AC on in my room so I wouldn’t be hot.
If we ever bypass imperfect language and use direct brain to brain communication, dads will lose a significant portion of their identity.
I'm going to watch a lot less streaming content once my parents die.
What if Westeros from Game of Thrones is just another park in the Westworld universe..
Any room with a ceiling fan is a giant upside down blender
It must be hard for compulsive liars to open up about it because whoever they tell might not believe a word they're saying
Imagine if every time you fell asleep, all of your mind except for your memories (like your disorders [ADD, ADHD, OCD] attitude and iq) transferred to an aliens body across the universe, who wakes up, does his/her thing, and then goes to sleep and wakes you up.
Someone's gender could be pedophilia.
The voices of Alexa, Google, and Siri will probably start to have minor influences on dialects as children grow up hearing certain words/phrases mostly from them.
When the urinal flushes 2-3 time before I’m done peeing, I now realize I’ve probably had too much to drink.
The movie ted is the rated R version of winnie-the-poo.
No matter how bad life gets, I can take solace in knowing that there are people in this country who've posted a "before" picture on social media and gave up before reaching the "after"
The phrase “I know it sounds cliche” has become a cliche.
No one ever dies at the cemetery, so they should be the LEAST haunted places.
What if when little, cats think that they are human and that they will grow up to be like us, but at some point they realize that's not going to happen and they become assholes.
Everytime we launch something into space the earth gets lighter
My parents and elders used to talk about having visual tattoos because it will affect future potential jobs (forearms, etc.) But being honest, what decent high paying jobs don't have you wear long sleeves and pants in the first place?
alot of children would be more exited about learning math if we made them learn by playing baldis basics
Sleep is like love, in its peak it is the best thing in the world and when it gets over it seems overrated.
God's got this
Why is it so hard to find other people (like myself) that are overly passionate and emotionally involved in the shows they are currently binge watching?
Compulsive liars must have a hard time opening up about it because whoever they tell might not believe a word they're saying
It's the National Football League, but the Super Bowl winner is called the World Champion.
If Sirius Black had boobs, he should be called Sirius Rack
McCoin>Dollar
The government might have access to our webcam and watch us jack off numerous time.
Is it just me or do llamas always look really cool in photos
If robots were to take over the world wouldn’t they all die when there was a power outage and they’re batteries run out?
We should be able to see the nose of the character when we play first person games.
There's a fair chance that a criminals plans have been foiled by someone checking behind the shower curtain out of superstition
Trying to guess your friend's user name is today's Rumpelstiltskin
Animals and plants are in a cycle of giving each other something to breathe, and then "eating" eachother.
One one hand, building a bridge from North America to Europe would be an amazing feat, but it would actually be useless because Americans and Europeans drive on different sides of the road. We literally have to keep North American and European cars separate from each other to avoid mass chaos.
I wonder if cops with Waze drive around dropping"police ahead" notifications for fun.
Post-Shower Fart
If enough people think "I'll go when it's not so crowded", it will be crowded.
"I am never sure," he thought while showering, "if this break in sentences is meant to indicate an audible pause, or is simply a quirk of written dialogue."
The toughest thing God has ever done is make the coefficient of friction between frozen meat and the plate you're trying to defrost it on so low.
Which first lady has touched the biggest dick?
An underrated danger of time travel is any diseases you aren't immune to. Imagine suddenly appearing in the mid-Jurassic, being hyped for 5 seconds, then dying from 12000 different deadly bacteria.
I sometimes think my dog would make for a better human than I am.
Dollar stores
Somewhere on this earth is someone with the name Billy Rubin and he's a phlebotomist.
dogs grow up faster than humans
When a youtuber hires an editor, does that youtuber watch the whole video before they post it, to make sure the editor hasnt put anything bad in it?
Ah shit soap in the eye
If the word “barnacle” is considered to be profane in the Bikini Bottom that means barnacle boy is basically a f*ck boy
If plants could talk they’d be really pretentious. Like “Oh you have to consume other organisms to survive? Because I don’t”
Internet karma is a drug that all of us are trying to obtain right now
Showers are just tall, open baths that you stand in
I wonder if the gesture, ‘wave’ is called that because you make wave-like motions...
Despite its name, wearing high vis clothing literally makes you a background character to the genera public
How much blood have we lost from mosquitos?
You know how people in the mid 1900's thought we would have flying cars and stuff by now but had no idea the areas of science we would actually develop? I wonder which of our fantasies and predictions of the future are completely wrong.
Ah shit soap in my eye
Of all the reboots, I think America needs All In the Family 2018. Archie Bunker is now a Trump supporter with a Clinton supporting daughter married to a Bernie guy. They'll have a Mexican neighbor whose always a stand up dude.
If the word “barnacle” is considered to be profane in the Bikini Bottom that means barnacle boy is a fuckboy.
Damnit, there's no more shampoo.
DJ Khaled's got the "Best Music" and Trump's got the "Best Words", but it'll be the worst collaboration
A grandma reading a nighttime story for a 3-year old me was a beginning to a life of falling asleep whilst listening to podcasts.
Ever wondered why AGT/BGT Golden Buzzers are all singers? I think its because they have the most potential to bring in the most $. Link is a video explaining BGT's contract with contestants.
The nice part about being the loudest person at work is that if I get a migraine, no one else's volume bothers me.
Dog food is just meat cereal
A lot of people say that, if they had a time machine, they'd use it to go back in time and kill Hitler. Most of these people don't speak German and could barely travel through Germany nowadays. They almost certainly couldn't do it if they traveled back to the 1930s.
If we have almond milk, why isn't peanut milk a thing?
With all the absurd names for grandparents now, it wouldn’t surprise me to hear someone called Meme-Maw or Gif-Paw in my life time.
I finally get it. It's called Tinder because it helps start your romantic/sexual Flame.
Bob Ross's screen name could have easily been Rob Ross
At some point we should start calling the Godfathers of Rap the Grandfathers of Rap
Shower Thought
At what point do we start calling the Godfathers of Rap the Grandfather's of Rap?
Has the Queen of England ever opened a door for herself?
Crowdfunding has potential to provide enough money to convince famous people to do porn.
I bet Superman's butthole is so tight predictive text that it's like a wormhole emitting Hawking Radiation
Anyone who says they like whole grain pasta is a goddamn liar
Do blind people do hand gestures?
Why is “Philippines” spelt with a “ph” and “Filipino” spelt with a “f.”
Who fills the mini water stations at gas pumps?
Dogs are just loved ones who passed away in your life and thats why they show you unconditional love.
Each vowel represents an emotion: a for happiness, e for laughter, o for shock, i for frightened, and u for embarrassment/guilt.
DJ Khaled's got the best music and Trump's got the best words...but it'll probably be the worst collaboration
Soap in eyes, it hurts too damn much
Are all people with white hair bald if eagles are bald
Verifying “I’m not a robot” with blurry car photos is not a test to prove you are human. It is teaching robots to be more human.
What if the "Big Bang" is a T.V. turning on?
Theres a regional number that defines excitement and childhood for each of us. Its the channel cartoons were on, 58 will always remind me of cartoons
There is a regional number that defines excitement and childhood for each of us. Its the channel cartoons were on.
The real MVP of Reddit commenters is the guy who goes “speak for yourself” after someone says “we are all ______ on this blessed day”
With the leak of plastic guns online, it would be smart for key figures on both sides of politics to proceed cautiously.
Printing something in urgency and it failing is one of the best ways to explain irl desire sensor
A sign of adulthood is when you're happy to get socks for Christmas as opposed to being mildly annoyed by them as gifts
On Youtube, I always scroll through the comments quoting the part of the video that's currently playing.
The amount of time spent practicing the word 'denuclearization' has increased dramatically lately.
Politicians are like a really shitty irl balance team
I find new subreddits because people post incorrectly in what I’m subbed to, then someone comments the correct subreddit.
I wonder how many suicides the smell of bacon has prevented
Einstein should have called it the "spacemosphere" for general relativity.
Softwares like Photoshop and Excel should have backup history automatically available to avoid the "Final", "Final 2", "Final final", "Final for sure", "final done" files.
I am confused
If the earth was flat (and perhaps it is..) wouldn’t the sunset and sunrise still look the same?
If people who control the world's media and information have massive secret agendas, they aren't going to let you (conspiracy theorists) reveal them on YouTube.
Bartenders who don't use reddit are going to wonder why the fuck everyone is suddenly ordering French 75's.
Sprite tastes like what taking the cap off sounds like
It seems like the fact that the physical map, a device as old as human history, is finally going obsolete should be a bigger deal.
I have the same suspicions seeing a tricked out Escalade driving through the inner city streets as seeing a motorhome drive through unpaved desert roads.
If a picture is worth a thousand words, how many words is a gif worth?
Hey funny Mates, I made a great tee with cyka blyat, would you wear it? let a comment below this post. cheers
what if, when a genie ask you for 3 wishes you just ask him to forget the first two
They should make a Pokemon movie / series in the style of nature documentaries where Pokemon are just observed in their natural habitats. Bonus points if it's narrated by David Attenborough.
This subreddit is basically a lot of modern age philosofers.
We have the name Jorge, Gorge and Jeffrey, Geoffrey, but no James with a G.
Sure can mean yes and I guess
If time travel were truly possible, we would already know. A time traveler from the future would be hard not to spot.
Americans love it when a rich benefactor gives scholarships to the underprivileged or pay their medical expenses, but totally freak out if taxes are raised on the rich to do the same thing.
If a serial killer only targeted non blinker users, would he be doing a service?
The real sign you need to proof read more often is when autocorrect changes a properly spelled word to one filled with typos
Bath tubs are reverse boats
Memes are literally just political cartoons not about politics.
Now that Long Playing records have made a comeback perhaps the world will soon be ready for black and white television again?
Since February 14, 2018, people younger than YouTube have been able to create legal YouTube accounts.
There is a window in every bathroom which means that some can watch you do your businesses
Reddit's Upvote/Downvote system propagates a 1984 level of group think.
The most powerful I have ever felt is being a season ahead when talking to others about a show.
You never see animals have sexual kinks like humans, I've never seen monkeys on nature programs having sex while jamming dick shaped rocks in its own ass as a third monkey spits on.
What if the world's best golfer never knows it...because they hate golf?
Would British people pronounce oof like “uhf”?
It would be a lot more handy if my phone Vibrated when it became unplugged rather then when it started charging again
I don't see a lot of cars with apple stickers anymore
Thanks to porn I've probably seen more naked women than all of my male ancestors.
eggshell should be a shade of brown paint not white paint
Do you use red wine to get out soda water stains?
Wondering if they do?
Whenever i go past an open doorway, I'll always look through said doorway, even though I've done looked through the doorway a million times.
I saw a Night-club and was disgusted
Isn't the "Simulation Theory" Technically a Game Theory?
I feel really bad for the person whose social security number is 123-45-6789.
If you get salmonella from chicken, why don’t you get chickenella from salmon?
I've probably walked past loads of famous people before but have been oblivious to it because I didn't know who they were
When does a tree become a branch? When does a branch become a stick?
When i think of the black market (i know its not) i think of like a small town market in the midlle of nowhere selling guns and stuff
What if on the day we die, we are stuck with only the other people that have died on that same day?
I need to buy more shampoo
Literally the only reason I'm alive is because I don't want to upset my family.
Adulthood is when "mom, can I have a sleepover tonight?" turns into "I don't have a drive home tonight; can I crash on your couch?"
If you transfer a human consciousness into a humanoid robot, are they still a human or are they just an android?
Just imagine if every time someone thought about you there would be a red flag placed in that thought spot. Where would you find your flags?
I am equally skeptical of an overeager friend trying to get my to sign up for an MMO as I am of an overeager friend trying to get my to sign up for an MLM. Often for similar reasons.
I Just Lost The Game
If my crush had amnesia, I’d frame all the pictures I had of us together and put them in their house before they got home.
If I ever found a genie, one of my wishes would be the ability to turn off my sex drive. It has caused COUNTLESS distractions and more than its fair share of problems.
I think the reason that people think that the world was better during their childhoods is because they didn't pay as much attention to the news.
“I can’t even...” is just today’s version of “Well, I have never...”
But why am I alive now, rather than at literally any other point in time?
What if the reason that people think that the world was better during their childhoods is because they just didn't pay as much attention to the news?
I’ve had plenty of blue corn chips but never blue corn on the cob
When Sylvester Stallone actually dies, I won't believe it.
I have never met a teenager who could pull off a beard
Almost the entire world finds cannibalism taboo; yet I can't stop hearing people talk about eating each others genitals.
Instead of doing a remake of a perfectly good movie, they should only remake "almost good" movies and fix them.
When it comes to the Sun making energy, my skin is the opposite of a solar panel.
A thrown waxy q-tip bouncing out of the trash can and onto the floor makes me want to break something.
If I was given $1,000 for every single heartbeat I've experienced to date, I would still be worth less than half of Bill Gates.
Clothing stores should have pre-washed and dried samples of everything for trying on
If you quit quitting, have you given up or succeeded?
If I were ever a cop who needed to get his numbers up I would just go to a church and pull all the minors who take a sip of wine
I wonder how many accidents/mishaps could have been prevented if people weren’t taught that flashing your lights to let someone know they dont have their headlights on could get you shot
It's not a smartphone until it automatically mutes my audio when I pull up porn with speakers connected to the living room sound system.
I have incredible ideas when I’m drunk but I always forget them.
If I could go back in time to the 50's, I'd bring a Marylin Manson and a Slipknot music video and a projector to play for everyone at a public event
Who tf thought it would be a good idea to put the light switch of the toilet room outside of the actual room?
If you have sex on a train would that make you a part of the mile long club?
Alex Trebek could end someone's career if the answer to a Jeopardy question was a ligma joke
I want to meet myself from someone else's point of view
Whenever you interrupt someone while he/she is working, you are basically telling them “stop whatever you are doing because my issue is more important than your work”
Would a fly die of exhaustion if you didn’t allow it to land?
Is Coors Light the Mountain Dew of light beer?
If I start working twice as hard now, could I take the entire World Cup off from work?
I'm sure glad there's no such thing as Bumble Fleas
People are always telling me that walking my dog, biking to work, and taking the stairs are “good exercise.” If that’s the case then what, pray tell, constitutes “bad exercise?”
Today, while watching The Matrix Reloaded, i realised that evrytime Neo fights an agent what really happens is that an User (Neo) is trying to take down a bunch of ones and zeroes....