When bald people wash their faces, how high up do they go?
I realize how bad my time management skills are while going through the drying cycle of a car wash.
I wonder how Malcolm would feel if somebody else was in the middle.
With how often you see dogs getting along with cats I'm beginning to think the whole cats/dogs always fight thing was a myth.
Old news should just be referred to as olds.
The greatest enforcement of Traffic Law is the collective agreement that we can openly, publicly, and loudly shame those who chose to not follow said rules. Horns should just scream "Hey! Fuck you Guy! You fucks see this fuck. Fuuuuuuck you."
My main goal when working out is to no longer have a stranger's first thought when they see me working out be: "Good for him."
What if only one of the siamese twins are gay and the they share the same ass?
Birds have a choice of flting altitude, but are always right infront of my car level when crossing the road.
I forgot to remember that.
Why are the lines on the gay flag straight?
Hope I don’t have to take a shit once I get out of here.
I can't think of a better selling oxymoron product than "Essential Oils"
If god is omnipotent (all powerful) and omniscient (all knowing), then is he really omnipotent? He will know everything that he will ever do, but won’t be able to change it. If it does change then is he really omniscient?
Why can’t so many people simply let people be people?
Cast Away should’ve ended with an epilogue.
I crave sleep at all times of the day except when I'm laying in bed
I wonder if Bloods have ever watched Blue's Clues
What is so important about winning?
The mentality "it's only $5, why not buy it?" has probably cost me over $5000 dollars in my lifetime
The mentality "it's only $5, why not buy it?" has probably cost me over $5000 dollars in my lifetime
If a blind person was friends with a deaf person, how would the two communicate with each other?
If we made the world perfect we'd only change it in the name of progress.
Pants buttons are obviously the weak link, what’s up with that?
Just had a real life 404 error when I looked at my phone and it was 04:04
I’ve never seen a younger person lick their finger, And then turn the page.
I’ve been going to the same optometrist for 5 years, and have no idea what he looks like.
I bet companies could sneak in a ton of shady stuff into their terms and conditions and no one would notice for a while.
I'm looking forward to my mid-life crisis. It'll be a nice break from the regular existential crisis I face everyday.
Big complex neighborhoods should have arrows directing you to the exits
Killers who want to successfully escape a crime scene without attracting any suspicion should pack jogging attire and running shoes on their way to a murder.
How do you handcuff someone if they only have one or no arms?
Family is a single unit of multiple individuals, but there's no "we" or "us" in familiy. There is "I" though.
How do we know that Math is the language of the universe when we've never met anyone/thing else?
The only thing true gentlemen should slap is the bass.
Warm/hot food should fuel you more than cold food since heat is energy
If we're related to monkies... If you eat one, is it considered cannibalism?
How do you measure success of a relationship???
I really hope Pixar doesn't make us wait 15 years for the Incredibles 3.
After all this time I’ve realized there is total miscommunication between the makers of garbage bags and the makers of garbage cans
I wish there was a gauge to warn me before I hit zero fucks.
What if Jesus was just a magician fucking with everyone
Dr. Strange saw 14,000,604 ways that the plan to save the universe fails and you're telling me he couldn't figure out what went wrong in ANY of them, and had to rely on the 1 that went right?
Since the plural of tooth is teeth, the plural of booth should be beeth.
There is nobody I trust more than a person who admits that they lie
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, how come the plural of booth isn’t beeth?
Its only 10am? Ah, il have a nap.
GMT obsolete?? Now that nearly everyone on the planet has an iPhone, should GMT be passed over for something like AST (Apple Standard Time) considering they all sync?
What happens to all the shit that was ever shat? How much is there?
A stopwatch should be called a timer, and a timer should be called a stopwatch
It would make more sense if stopwatches were called timers and timers were called stopwatches
I wonder how many trees have drones in them
The letter W should be pronounced as double V and not double U.
Saying “I am a hypochondriac” makes you a hypochondriac
Can the Super Bowl champions be world champions if they don’t play the winners of the Grey Cup, Arena Bowl, and College Football Playoffs
You can feel your tongue touch your teeth, with your tongue. Can you feel your tongue touch your teeth with your teeth?
I wonder at what point in history parents stopped naming their boys Wadsworth because they realized the taunting the kid would get in school.
What if there was an alternate universe where shower thoughts were actually toilet thoughts?
Reddit is like an art museum; many people are looking, few people actually talk.
Runny noses, congestion, and fevers feel like my immune system is just maliciously complying to my brain telling them to fix the cold virus
No one gets hurt in a war of words, but it's exactly how a real war starts
The oldest known recipe for beer was invented about 3,900 years ago, but refrigerators weren't invented until 1915. That means that beer was traditionally a warm, room-temperature beverage and had been that way for approximately 3,750 years, or 97.3% of its history.
Most things with "Modern" in the name or title are actually rather old.
Shortcuts usually has a downside which should equal it out with the main way
If YouTube suddenly decides to start deleting old videos to "reorganize and improve" the site, a huge swath of gaming videos and 2000s-early 2010s culture will disappear forever.
What if the world was made out of glazed donuts?
Data caps are meant to keep people from competing with data companies, to make money, and to censor individuals from large sets of data that could be beneficial to science and hurt the profit margins of current executives.
When people in TV shows (such as vampires or werewolves) say "I'm an all part of the bull kinda person...", does that mean they take the time to scarf down the human genitalia?
Part of childhood is being at some kids party and you don’t know who the fuck it is and only have a vague idea that its a birthday party.
A Butt Dial is an accident. A Booty Call is intentional.
Among all effects, alcohol significantly decreases the "funny" threshold for everything.
"Like this post or have 7 years of bad luck" and "buy these indulgences or go to hell" aren't so different"
How many trees have drones stuck in them? 🤔
From all the cars characters, Tow Mater has the best pickup lines
Gentrification is pretty much just urban sprawl's annoying younger sibling.
If you were born deaf, in what language would you think?
Most of America sees Texas as how the entire rest of the world sees America.
Castoreum, the liquid from the anal glands of the beaver, is added to raspberry and strawberry flavoured drinks. Since it is animal derived it is labelled as a “natural flavour”.
An average Americans is mostly exposed to the metrics system because they are used in measuring the size of a Bullet.
Especially in 2018, when you hear "midterm", you think election and not mid semester/term test. You are an adult.
We should really start calling twins "womb-mates".
People are out here 3D printing guns and I still can not even get my printer to print a nice solid black line.
Based on my lifestyle, if .01% of the world population gave me a dollar, the rest of my life would be secure, and much better than it currently is.
Who was the first person to eat?
When I was a kid the medieval period seemed like it happened an eternity ago. Now that I’m older it feels like it didn’t actually happen all that long ago.
The notification that somebody called is the voicemail now a days.
I don’t understand why it hurts when you bite your tongue on accident, but when you bite it on purpose it doens’t.
Every day thousands upon thousands of your own cells commit suicide to stop you from dying.
The oldest known recipe for beer was invented about 3,900 years ago, but refrigerators weren't invented until 1915. That means that beer was traditionally a room-temperature/warm beverage, and had been that way for approximately 3,750 years, or 97.3% of its history.
In An Alternate Dimension Trump Might Have Really Built The Wall, Think About It For A Moment.
The good part of trailers spoiling movies is that I can go to the bathroom without worrying if I missed anything.
You’ll be in the future when you’re done reading this
The mods have locked fast travel so we have to watch load screens that mainly comprise of traffic before we reach our destinations
How do we know we are actually burning as many calories as they say we are?
If water is free, when we buy water bottles, are we just paying for the plastic bottle?
I wonder if old fairy tales came from lore where someone a long time ago died from being allergic to apples and non-allergic assumed it was poisoned.
My dog would never understand that I don’t eat everything in front of me because I don’t want to spend more time running around outside.
If all life spawned from a single cell, then I am in some way related to you, just as I am related to the grass that I stand on, the bugs that crawl below, and the trees that watch from above
2001 GAY PEOPLE - “being gay is not a choice, I was born this way!” Me - Immediately criticized for having for saying it is a choice. 2018 LGBTQA++++++++73 - “I’m gender fluid, I am whatever I choose to be every day” Me - isn’t that contradictory to your original argument of birth vs choice?
Do you eat or drink soup? If you drink it, do you classify it as a drink? If you eat it, how do you justify the ‘soup’ of the soup?
Why do we get in a car, but we get on a bus?
I should really buy more soap. Maybe some conditioner too.
We can't get Despacito 2 cus we never say it correctly. It would and should be pronounced "Despacito dos".
I'm really glad they don't make Kraft Blue Cheese Singles.
The only time I use my phone's hidden screen features is when I fumble it.
The more something is advertised, the more you should probably stay away from it.
Women make sandwiches men make money children make a mess isnt life the best?
Gravity is the single most infuriating thing in my life.
I should sneeze to hide my farts. They are very loud.
My car will lost likely out live me.
Is today finally my turn in the story of life where my beauty is worthy of all the open connection I've longed for up until now?
Taco salads should be sold as 1, 2, & 3 instead of small, medium, or large, to denote the approximate number of tacos it contains.
happy birthday to me.
If Pinocchio says "My nose will grow" and it doesn't, he isn't lying, he's just wrong.
Do you think Marijuana is a performance enhancing drug for hot dog eating competitions?
Being healthy enough to see your parents die should be good.
If a bear attacks you with its front limb, is it a punch or a kick?
The longer a person knows me the less they start to like me.
How does a generation that believes "the customer is always right" claim that millenials are the "entitled" generation?
If you have A type blood, you should find O type blood as your partner. It is effective against mosquitoes.
People think uploading our minds to computers won't upload our consciousness, but our cells are constantly being replaced, we probably don't even have the same consciousness we did yesterday. So does it really matter?
Are blue whales giant biological subwoofers?
If I talked to other people the way I talked to myself I'd be changed with a hate crime
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Let's discuss death, shall we?
If water has no taste how can something taste watery?
I've never seen a gif of Al Gore dancing with the caption Algorithm and that's sad.
If all life spawned from a single ancestor, then you are in some way related to me, just as you are related to the grass that you stand on, the bugs that crawl below, and the trees that watch from above
It’s amazing how my wife can be cold all day, yet suddenly when we get in bed she’s about 500°
My inability to believe in God stems solely from the fact that dogs age 7 times faster than humans.
What if Lebron is so good, he's keeping JR Smith around to make himself look better and as a hedge in case he loses?
Why do woman lose there shit when you see there braw but there completely fine when they ware there swim suit like wtf
What if when we jump, the earth actually goes down instead and when you land it goes back up
What if all the outbreaks from the lettuce are conspiracies from the meat dieters targeting the plant eaters...
Having your company's beef be real should not be impressive
Shrinkage should apply to man boobs and beer guts the same way it does to other male body parts
I wish shrinkage worked on man boobs and beer guts like it does on other parts of the male body.
If smog is smoke and fog shouldn't ash and gas be ass?
It must be hell for my unwatered house plants when it rains outside.
What if the Earth's lifeforms came to existence from a probe sent from an advanced civilization that crashed which spread microorganisms in the same way Cassini crashed, and the aliens just forgot about it for billions of years?
I’m wondering why everyone uses trafitional pizza cutters, when a scissor is much easier to use for cutting pizza
You are more likely to compare your ears to earphones/buds and your mouth to a microphone, yet it should be the other way around
LGBTQ could also be the name of a really good sandwich. Lettuce, guac, bacon, tomato and queso.
Just rewatched Jerry Maguire: a thought about neckbeards, incels and similar folks this site taught me about
Just because both criminal justice and social justice use the word justice doesn't mean they are at all related.
Out of all the things I’ve done as a heathen, none of it makes me feel as bad as throwing away a birthday card from grandma.
Theres is someone out there who is exactly the same height as you
What if we had wings?
What if the world appeared as a big star, the way other stars look to us from afar, like what if we were someone else's star upon which they gazed.
I wonder how many miles my thumb/Mouse has scrolled
THE INTENT IS TO PROVIDE....
Why can't glasses wearing folks get disability checks?
Boys who always got a new video game for Christmas and birthdays have grown up to become men who give their wives a new bracelet charm every holiday.
"A phone is really just a baby computer"...stop posting dumb stuff like this as a shower thought
I guess that Trup is frightening his allies and on the other hand tries to be friends the ones he fears.
LGBTQ could also be for lettuce, guac, bacon, tomato and queso. In other words, the name of a pretty good sandwich.
When you look at a fish at an aquarium, they usually look back. We are at an aquarium to look at fish - but are fish at an aquarium to look at humans?
The Domino's Hotspot Guy should just catch a ride with the delivery lady since she beat him to all the hotspots.
Is human milk vegan?
It should be legal to hunt rapists for sport.
If heat rises then super hot things should float.
That thing I did work will get me fired....or is this my mind.
Some jobs you shower before work, other jobs you shower after work.
To invite one's own posts defines one's true karma
Why aren’t there any wireless charging remotes?
One day, new movie announcements will be of films I’ll never get to see.
When I was young I used to think about life 2000 years ago and how different and advanced we are today. And what we’d be like 2000 years from now.
What are rain drops to small animals who use echo location, such as bats and moths? Like, is it similar to feeling the wind blow-by off of a large truck going by, or, would it be like would it feel like when your in an elevator and you can feel the floors pass by?
If I lay in bed long enough..
Essentially, every Facebook post is an advertisement, be it private or business.
What if autism is an evolutionary trait turning humans from generalists to specialists?
Most people don't pay attention to anyone's user name in reddit.
Nineteen in French is pronounced “deez neuf”
As someone who works and resides several floors up, I am spending most of my life 50+ feet off the ground
Why doesn't the ribbon cutter in the Domino's Hotspot commercial catch a ride with the delivery girl? She is there before he shows up every time.
Another word for “synonym” is another word
The best gifts come from those who give them to you
What if Ridiculus was some old Greek guy who made a fool of himself and literally is still made fun of centuries after his death
If something makes front page from r/mildlyinteresting, it should have been posted in r/interestingasfuck
Does Robert Dinero like video games? I bet he’d love animal crossing.
Why are all Asian guys named "Adam?"
Imagine 20 years from now, when most all of the policy makers in government will have computer literacy and a working understanding of the internet...
Every Redditor ends up,somehow, in r/EnoughInternet...
While people get superstitiously worried over Friday the 13th, what they should be worrying about is Monday the 13th.
“I Can Phillip Collins in the Air Tonight” almost fits perfectly in the Phil Collins song.
When you're drinking alcohol, you're borrowing happiness from tomorrow
If you're dating someone with Multiple Personality Disorder, are you cheating on all of them?
What happens if a time traveler dies, does he go to future heaven or present heaven ?
Nike should make an advertising campaign with Palpatine/Sidious as the face. DO IT
Just rewatched Jerry Maguire, a thought on neckbeards, friendzoneds or whatever
Are car lovers and collectors just evolved horse lovers?
I just realized twinkle little stars is the same song as ABC
If you have one eye are you blinking or winking?
Which Dark Souls game is the Dark Souls of Dark Souls?
Is weird to think about how milk was discovered...
One day shower thoughts will only be reposts
Imagine how hard reddit would crash if 9/11 happened nowadays.
I still don’t know what P.S. stands for
Why does everyone press the clear button on a calculator way too many times even after they cleared the numbers
A hero who uses echolocation to detect enemies is not called Batman. A hero who jumps from high rise buildings and fights without superpowers is not called Daredevil.
If the US Congress voted on a bill that gave every taxpayer $100 added to their refund, but killed a puppy: the next election cycle would have those who voted in favor of the bill accused of hating puppies, and those who voted against the bill accused of cheating taxpayers out of a larger refund.
I used to think that there wasn’t truly a patriarchy or male privilege until I realized that men can just wear a dress and/or get boobs; even still having a penis, and claim to be women. Everybody will believe them, celebrate them without question, even get more legal protections than real women
In the future, when most dads will say that they are taking their kids to "the games" they will mean taking them to some esport events.
There should be a convention for Irish people called leprecon.
Sometimes while using Reddit it feels like deja vu. Thanks to Reposts.
People who live on the west coast of the US only see the sunset over the ocean, while people on the east coast only see the sunrise over it.
Women’s jewelry and clothing is very odd.... something can cost over $100 that looks very similar to something that is only $5 and yet people will still buy the more expensive item.
I wonder what cemeteries will be like in a futuristic society
Every time you use an American Standard toilet, you are going to the bathroom on American Standard.
If the exact thing that I'm looking for isn't the very first google result, I feel like I have failed, not like google has.
What if the spam emails received are genuine and someone has been stealing our App Store accounts / government owed tax and we have missed out on cash prizes.
Is the plural for Lexus, Lexi? Or Lexuses?
Alaska is in North America while also being north of America.
If you have one eye are you blinking or winking?
It’s a bad idea to post shower thoughts while in the shower.
Having one eye means no one knows if you're blinking or winking
In the far future people will think that God was still around at this time, just like how we believe that God was here 2000 years ago. History will repeat itself in a way
I don’t understand the people who jump out of bed, get ready and out the door in half an hour. It takes me twice as long just to have my first mental breakdown of the day.
I've never smoked weed in a dream.
Dog lick each others ass and as dogs became more popular as household pets, eating ass also became more popular amongst humans.
How I met your mother is the longest TED talk.
Religion is just an open source program where everyone claims their build is the official release.
Why do we say 'hair' for all of it but say hairs If it's only a few?
Sometimes, I wish my phone's charger was as long as my laptop's, and/or my laptop's charger, to be as short as my phone's.
The word “outstanding” can mean either a good or bad thing.
If you ever can’t think of a word just say “I forget the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Once a Felon becomes president, then we will truely become a land of the free.
The propaganda and bias in /r/the_donald is a good example of how a serious /r/kimjongun subreddit would be moderated
What if our world is one of many different games and ours is about war and fighting. The peaceful times are just story bits to give reasons for the battles and the great wars are just server wide events.
Why is it so damn hard to open a Chupa Chup?
Cleaning your skeleton
If Someone From the 90's Time Traveled to our Time, They Would Think we Were Crazy for Playing 2D Games Over 3D Ones
A simple way to irritate Americans is by referring NFL football as ,"American Football."
I would benefit from a ‘previously watched - new episodes’ section of my Netflix profile.
Would the world be a better place if everyone was more (or less!) like you?
Everyone was sure that Brock Lovett was going to say "I never let it sink in" when watching Titanic for the first time
Can anybody hear me?
I like to think that four leaf clovers are only rare because they all get picked by lucky people before they can reproduce...
Is there any context in which saying "I'll go masturbate" could be totally acceptable?
If Cinderella's slipper fit perfectly, why did it fall off?
Everyone thought Brock Lovett was going to say "I never let it sink in" when watching Titanic for the first time
Everyone was certain Brock Lovett was going to say "I never let it sink in" when watching Titanic for the first time
There's a constant message that everyone is addicted to their phones. I realized I hear this mostly from podcasts or people with large followings, who are more likely to be on their phones, checking what their corner of the internet is saying. Does this cause for an inflated view on phone addiction?
Maybe four leaf clovers are only rare because they all get picked by lucky people before they can reproduce?
Computers were futuristic marvels when I was a kid - now, children today see them as technological dinosaurs.
The entire audience was surprised that Brock Lovett didn't say "I never let it sink in"
The entire audience thought Brock Lovett was going to say "I never let it sink in" when watching Titanic
What if the reason we haven't seen time travelers yet is because we haven't fucked up the world bad enough for them to need to fix it
Dollar Tree should run the country finances. Over 25 years in business and everything is still $1