If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then why didn't he know Rudolph was being bullied?
Baseball is what they play in between fixing their gloves
If I question a question and you question that question about the question that I questioned. Would that question question your question?
I wouldn't hate mosquitos if their stings wouldn't itch
when we do upload our brains to computers one day its going to be really hard to tell each other apart. I dont think our personalities are as distinguishing as our faces, voices, and other physical stuff.
Why was 6 scared of 9?
Shouldn't leg sleeve tattoos be called pants?
It's slightly disappointing that Amelia Earhart's last name wasn't spelled differently.
Everyone always has poop inside them and is always making more poop.
It must suck for Obama to have to watch trump shit on him every time he is accused of anything after Obama was so professional with him after the election.
I've never bought salt
There should be a subreddit dedicated for finding useful websites that people have never heard of.
Imagine if there was a drug that made you feel the feel good feelings you get listening to your favorite music without any actual music playing.
It the internet didn't exist you would never know I was thinking this.
Is it just me or does everyone else on Reddit automatically assume that all posters on here are dudes?
Hieroglyphics =ancient memes
There should be a Chrome extension which censors all posts regarding a dead celebrity for a few days after they die
so you no how white people can't say n****a without being racist right? well I say black people can't say dudes without being racist (dude of course being non gender specific)
Imagine being naked in a room surrounded by people who speak a different language and they’re constantly trying to touch you. That’s what it’s like to be a dog.
Friday the 31st is like the opposite of Friday the 13th. Good things should happen that day.
People riding scooters are still called scooters
You're saying the N-word every time you say the word 'vinegar'
Reddit is the only acceptable place to like your own content.
Stefán Stefánson's dad was also called Stefán
Lower case letters are just capital letters that haven't reached puberty.
If everyone in the world gave me just 1 dollar, I'd be a billionaire.
I'm sure my cats know by now that they can't speak to me, but it warms my heart that they still try.
Lower case letters are capital letters that haven't hit puberty yet.
I actually used to run into a lot more old friends prior to the advent of Facebook
People who are blind probably save a fair bit of electricity on not using their lights (sorry if this is a repost, I feel I remember it being on here, but in not sure)
There should be a website where you enter in random ingredients that you have leftover in your kitchen and it finds recipes that uses them.
Imagine being born without a penis but still having the foreskin
Lowercase characters are capital letters that haven't hit puberty yet
If there’s always someone worse off than you, who’s got it the worst?
We might all be dreaming together. It sounds like a nonsensical stereotypical shower thought, but maybe, in the real world it, makes perfects sense, and logic is completely different in the dream.
No one cares that we all sit on the same toilet seats, but god forbid you double-dip the salsa...
“Look under there” was the childhood equivalent to “ligma”
I bet that neuroscientists could learn something from the odd brain detours I take when binge watching music videos on youtube.
It amazes me how far ahead in terms of skill Bobby Fischer was compared to other players in his time. Even to this day, he sits within the top 20 players of all time.
If a man does cowgirl during sex would it be called cowboy?
Everything on earth right now is older than someone.
The Masstagger used to identify users of hate subreddits is like the alien-identifying sunglasses in They Live.
If Trump gets impeached, the amount of You’re Fired! Posts on social media is really gonna take the fun out of it.
Trump is...?
We should all feel guilty and remorseful about our carbon footprint.
r/Jokes and r/comedycemetary are basically the same subreddit.
It is amazing how quickly time flies when you browse Reddit at home compared to browsing Reddit at work!
On my wedding day, I was given a bottomless metal container in which I have kept human flesh and blood ever since.
It must be really confusing for a baby, that's learned a few words, to have an adult speak gibberish at it.
Is dirt dirty, or is dirty dirt?
The word phonetic is not spelled phonetically.
If there are two stalls in a bathroom, one of them being out of order is a blessing in disguise.
After a certain point in reddit you may find yourself upvoting posts you have already upvoted but you have completely forgotten about, and even this seemingly original showerthought may be a repost.
I feel like everyone says that they are just like “Micheal Scott from the office”.
Waterboarding in Guantanamo Bay sounds rad if you don't know what either of those things are.
As a Floridian with Saharan sand quickly approaching, I guess Africa is going to bless the rains on me.
The KKK could be a majority of undercover African Americans.
Would you drink almond milk if it was called nut juice?
If we buy a chicken and an egg from amazon, won't we find the answer?
Why do towels get dirty. If you get out of the shower, you're supposed to be clean ... right?
I had more friends before Facebook
What if every time you screamed into a pillow it got angrier and then one day it just walks off? Woah
The reason they call it a traffic light is because that’s all it causes.
If Steve jobs were black, his company would be called "watermelon"
There is no way of knowing if I am seeing the same purple (or any other color) as you are seeing.
What if engine power was measured by animals other than horses. i.e. pandapower
The phrases "booty call" and "butt dial" say the same thing but mean completely different things.
If Steve Jobs were black, his company would be called watermelon
My mirror is ugly.
Who decided what the 'ice cream truck tune' was going to be?
Did people in the Stone Age ever have a stroke and be like, “Damn this smells pretty good guys”.
Our society went from: "If you're dumb enough to touch live electricity wires you deserve the shock" to "Why didn't someone stopped you from touching the live wires?" and now is going to "We should ban live wires!"
If everyone is different, then who is normal?
The name "Mermaid-man" means "fish-woman-man".
If straight girls have gay guy best friends. Do lesbians have straight guy best friends?
The face I can order chicken and an egg from amazon means they know the answer and we need to find out.
"Butterfly in the sky, I can go twice as high". Twice? Every butterfly I've seen seems to be around 6 feet off the ground, so we're talking maybe 12 feet then?
Surely Amazon can answer what comes first, the chicken or the egg?
Would people from the past think contemporary interior design is nice or would they look at it like the way we view the 70’s, 80’s
"Butterfly in the sky, I can go twice as high." Twice? Butterflies always seem to be around 6 feet off the ground, so we're talking maybe a whole 12 feet then?
Straight people treat gay people that want to fuck them the same way that they treat ugly heterosexual people that want to fuck them.
since humans are the dominant species, won't every species become human at some point?
If we don’t sin Jesus died for nothing
The first woman to give birth to twins was probably like: ?????????
No matter which way you flip it, b will always be a letter
I wonder if I've ever eaten the egg of a chicken.. that I've eaten.
Random Shower Thought
In all of history, I wonder how many amazing things happened but were never shared because someone thought that no one would believe them anyway...
A bit of rain is called a shower, and there’s a setting on most shower nozzle thingies called rain.
There should be a sign to show the clearance hight of doors to save tall people from hitting their head on the top of the door so much.
When I go on reddit at work, I'm getting paid to reddit. That makes me a professional redditor.
The most advanced technology we have is really just electricity being turned on or off.
If I die a virgin I’ll be the first of my ancestors to fail to get laid
The biggest technological advancements were just finding different ways to turn electricity on or off.
What did we call the outdoors before doors were invented?
If you aren't afraid of anything, that means you're afraid of nothing.
Whenever I get nervous about doing something in public, I remind myself that Jeremy Clarkson smiles, grins, and bares his teeth to an audience of almost a billion
Did people involved in mass casualties originally think that there was safety in numbers?
What did the spice girls really, really want?
I wonder if my DNA was ever found in an Uber or Lyft that somebody was murdered in.
The first woman to give birth to twins probably had a heart attack
The first person to eat a crab must've been really fucking hungry; I would not voluntarily eat an enormous sea spider wearing armor
Do crabs think fish are flying?
Whenever people in the ads about alexa and all those bots talk to them, they do it so calmly. But whenever I talk to them I get flustered and stuttery
The worst kind of people take up more than one parking spot or don’t return their shopping carts.
Pickled foods are always called by their name plus pickled at the beginning. Except cucumbers, they are just pickles.
since the dominant species on earth can make up for their biological faults by making items such as armor, weapons and food, then isn't every creature gonna end up being a human?
Saying you’ll call a lawyer is the adult version of saying you’ll tell mom
What if the earth and the moon are going to collide today and the lunar eclipse is just a pretense to make people go outside and spend the last moments on earth under the stars with their loved ones?
Somewhere out there I bet there's a person who has a mutation f some sort that makes his/her tastebuds extend like all the way down their pharynx and that lucky bastard is enjoying food on a whole other level compared to us lousy mouth tasters.
I’ll bet skunk meat tastes delicious.
If you get a handjob from your clone, is that incest or masturbation?
I feel like there should be a Calvin and Hobbs comic where Calvin justifies entropy as an excuse to not do his homework. He wants to use as little energy as possible to prolong the heat death of the universe.
Do regular dogs see police dogs as cops?
I imagine dieing feels like chugging water when your dehydrated, only backwards
When You Say "I DO" You're Also Saying...
What if humans laid eggs instead? 🧐
How do you think the interaction between the first two people to ever try oral sex went down?
Do you think someone ever made fun of The Penguin by calling him Oswald Chamberpot instead?
There should be a Calvin and Hobbs comic where Calvin justifies entropy as an excuse to not do his homework. He wants to use as little energy as possible to prolong the heat death of the universe.
Every time I unmatch with someone on tinder it's because their first photo made them look way better(I'm sure my profile is the same), yet it's not one of the given options for why.
I kinda miss being rickrolled
I’m pretty sure the recent craze in crypto has pinpointed most of the people in the world with addictive personalities and or gambling problems.
When I put my joint out on a fire hydrant I don't feel that bad. Technically it's fulfilling it's purpose.
Guys who eat popcorn are basically eating busted nut. So technically that makes me gay..
There should be a required 5-second delay before any social media platform lets you send a direct message in case you change your mind about it.
Why do people that were successful in their weight loss regimes get so much credit when they are the ones who did not take care of their bodies in the first place?
What if mosquitos are the superior species and they raise us as cattle.
Whenever Donald Trump passes away, his grave will become the world first open air gender neutral bathroom
When you tell a lie, that is your brain telling you what you should have done
Can you add something to green to make it blue?
I thought I’d consider myself an adult when I started separating my colors and darks..
With all the theft that goes on in the world, why aren’t license plates stolen more often?
Darwinism applies to more than just physical traits. For example anti vaxxers should go away in a few generations because their kids will sadly get diseases and die.
Will twins ever know if they are themselves and not the other twin?
Restaurants charge for extra toppings but they should deduct when you don't want a topping.
Why is it "scotland" yard in england?
Why do flys need to buzz anyway?
The only reason professors leave "-sent from my iPhone" in email responses is to establish dominance
I feel like our current situation is like an abusive man was left by his wife who took the kids. Later, he takes the kids hostage and says if she doesn't come back to him that he'll kill all of them. Then a passerby passes by and says "I hope both sides can come together and work something out."
Despite them always being depicted as red, I have never seen a red fire hydrant.
There should be a Do not disturb recipient function on phones to not alert them if they are busy, sleeping, etc.
Would you take your dogs collar off at a nude beach?
Is water just cold lava?
We should be grateful that the apex aerial predators are only about the size of eagles.
The Cockroaches that fly can probably kill me.
Why do people say "break a leg" to someone about to go on stage? Thats a terrible thing to say to someone before they go in front of a crowd of people
What if dogs fetch the ball because they think you enjoy throwing it?
Been trying the new imgur beta where you scroll down and the tiled gifv's are animated. I check it tonight and now they're doing that too when you scroll down in the comments.
What if your life had blooper reels?
How have i never known what the Nut is in Honey Nut Cheerios
Cartoons have thought me that every time you have a picnic outside, it will rain.
Next gen phones should have a thermometer included.
Police should utilize 18-wheelers as undercover vehicles to catch speeders
If the dominant species on earth laid eggs, abortions would be a lot more easy
First World Problems are like saying "I suffer from PTSD because of playing Battlefield"
Sporks are the transgender equivalent for kitchen utensils and cutlery
Why is real life stranger than fiction?
What if The Virgin Mary just made up Emaculate Conception to explain her adultery to Joseph and the whole town, not realizing she would inadvertently create an entire religion?
If Airman and Seaman are ranks in the Air Force and Navy, the Space Force should have the official rank of Spaceman.
If video games were anything like real life, you should really gain XP from failing and doing things incorrectly.
Gas stations should have a camera feed of each pump at the checkout. That way if someone forgets which one they rolled up to, they can just take a quick glance at which camera is showing their car instead of having to go back outside to check.
How am I ever going to make it through life if I fall into a depression over the slightest of changes?
What if ageing was a disease and the earth is quarantined and thats why aliens don’t visit us?
I can't wait until AI can cover any song in the style of any artist.
Most men get excited when they realize a girl has no gag reflex. They should be more concerned she’s at a greater risk of choking to death.
Sometimes I feel like "shuffle" is my best friend.
“Do as I say, not as I do” is actually the most hypocritical statement of all time
Hairstylists should be required to tell you up front how long they have been styling/cutting hair.
Windshield wipers are always 1BPM off from every song I've ever heard.
Salsa jars should come in the shape of bowls.
They should make a "view as colorblind" option for programs like powerpoint so you can be sure that any colorblind folk in the audience won't struggle to see any part of the slides.
How charged my cell phone is usually indicative of how my life is going at the moment
Most (if not all) of my knowledge of the modern medical conditions that exist, come from the drug commercials that advertise to help/cure them.
What if octopuses are just as intelligent as humans but their species is still in the hunter gatherer age.
By definition, anyone charged with murder should also be charged with attempted murder.
If we can breathe through our mouth, we should be able to eat with our nose.
On International Men’s Day, Subway should make their footlong subs a few inches shorter while still advertising them as “footlong subs” in honor of exaggerated penis sizes.
I wonder if carnivorous aliens would consider humans ok to eat raw like salmon, rare like beef or fully cooked like chicken?
Garfield should not have worried about Mondays, he was a lazy cat.
Is it wrong to see nice fancy things and instantly think of all the stress it takes to get there?
If ghosts can walk through walls, why can’t they fall through floors?
What if during surgery you weren't out cold, but just unable to move and you felt every cut but when you came round your memory of the operation was wiped. And if that were true would it make any difference?
I wonder how many years it will take before people are running Doom 2016 on their smart watches.
What would it be like to watch all the cutting room floor segments of some really great movies- like ‘Alien’ for example- all pieced together in story order?
In the future when we can text smell to each other, my friends are just going to text me their damn farts.
I need to get a police drug dog to help me find drugs
It shouldn't be "Comments are disabled," it should be "Comments are differently abled."
I lived through a very strange period where I hooked up with girls online and they sent me photos in the mail.
The rest of the world: "My kid learned to walk at 10 mths and to talk at 2 yrs". New Zealand: "My kid learned to walk at 10 mnths, to talk at 2 years, and to Haka at 4yrs.
I've never had a dream that I'm not in.
It is said the human mind does not have the ability to create a new face; we also have never seen our own face aside from a reflection. It is also said we see a distorted version of ourselves. Is this why when we dream, we cannot dream our own faces??
The odds are outstanding that the tube of Neosporin in your medicine cabinet right now is out of date.
What good is low unemployment if it doesn't lead to higher wages?
Whenever you do not reach your goals your brain starts blaming you showing off memories of wrong things that you did in the past, due a ReAsOn ThAt I cAn'T uNdErStAnD
Do bald people wash their head with body wash or shampoo?
Wait, in what language do babies think in?
In meetings, ideas presented with "buzzwords" should require the presentee to explain the buzzword to ensure they know what they're talking about.
I wonder if sending mail drunk was a problem before the Internet.
We should start calling stores that sell porn "emporniums"
Despite the name, most shower thoughts probably do not occur in the shower and likely require much outside consideration to be clever and thought provoking.
How debt effects supply and demand
People always say we don't deserve dogs love but I don't know of any movies about people going on killing sprees because someone killed their cat.
Growing your children without a religious faith is the best way to make them as humane as possible.
I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to pick out my own butthole in a line up.
Fruits are like the power ups of real life.
when the iPad first came out, people makes fun of the name, these days, now it's normal, but the iPod is now the weird one
It is said the human mind does not have the ability to create a new face; we also have never seen our own face aside from a reflection. It is also said we see a distorted version of ourselves. I wonder if this why when we dream, we cannot dream our own faces.
A bridal shower for a guy should be called a groom groom.
At least one young teen who said, "Yeah, I have a girlfriend. She just goes to another school!" wasn't lying.
Dog celebrities are the only celebrities that are just as excited to meet you as you are to meet them.
I trust the deadbolt to keep someone from breaking into my house but if I try to shut the door with it sticking out I worry I will break it.
'W' is really a double U but in text it's a double V
If every calorie I've ingested in my lifetime would be turned in to TNT I wonder how big of an explosion it would create.
If you learn sign language in one country, would someone from another country understand you completely? Or is there a language barrier?
We refer to all pine trees as "Christmas trees" but nobody ever calls a pumpkin a "Halloween gourd".
It’s ironic how the chili pepper is called that when it is hot and people say chilly when it is cold.
Why are baby cats called kittens and baby dogs called puppies but baby humans are just babies?
What if
If we peel the peel off of an orange and skin the skin off of a deer, shouldn’t we say we’re skinning some foods such as potatoes because they have skins instead of peels?
We all know positive vibes only people, but I’ve never met a negative vibes only person. No balance.
Everyone complains about the five paragraphs of back story on foodbloggers' recipes. I complain about the "15 minute" prep time. They apparently have no idea how long it takes me to mince a clove of garlic without mincing half of my thumb with it.
The brain is doing life in the head, but don't lock me up!
No matter how many times I go to the movies as an adult, I’m always surprised it’s daylight when I come out.
“I think I might have a brain tumor” has crossed everyone’s mind at least once.
Security guards should be wearing cargo pants, gym shorts, karate pants, yoga pants, anything but SLACKS.
In physics, to have an idea about a theory, you should have a visual imagery about it, but you only better understand it when you recognize that your visual imagery was just approximate and reality is something different.
Agressive tailgaters are like that annoying little kid who gets all up in your face while saying, "I'm not touching you!"
Macron telling that kid to be more respectful is just him saying I don't want you to relate to me and I don't know how to relate to you
Agressive tailgaters are like that little kid who gets all up in your face while saying, "I'm not touching you!" 😡
I really think it's someone's job to to send out spam emails about "erection enhancements"
If an object in motion remains in motion unless an outside force acts upon it, then how do Star Wars ships go from light speed to nothing? How do they stop?
What if I'm wrong?
If heat rises then why aren't the tops of mountains warm?
I hope nobody in the future will be able to copy my brain in a computer and watch my memories and thinkings from his TV
Your brain is doing life in your head, and your body on this planet, this planet in this solar system and this solar system in this universe. But aye, don't lock me up.
If the Sun gives off radiation and that is one thing that supposedly causes cancer, then why do they use radiation to treat cancer?
[NSFW] As a guy, there's always cum inside you.
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
No one ever talks about the 3rd Amendment of the US Constitution.
Taylor Swift's You Belong With Me is basically the mainstream version of Paramore's song Misery Business
The name of our planet sucks compared to the name of other planets in our Solar system.
Why does Phil Swift hate boats?
If I ever had to explain pop culture to an alien in under four minutes I’d show them The Ultimate Showdown
When the water is too hot and you put your hand in it, the heat slowly intensifies until it finally blazes your hand with the pinch of fire
If you sing any song as if you were Goofy, the song becomes 10x Better. Don't believe me, try singing "Amazing Grave* in a Goofy voice
People who make showerthoughts about how people never sneeze/cough/go to the bathroom in movies keep forgetting why editing is a thing.
who decided peanuts were savoury and almonds were sweet?
If we reach Mars and establish civilation there, what year are they going to start at?
Reddit is basically show-and-tell for adults.