Chicken and Egg sandwiches are monsterous in a way
Kind of crazy to think that an incredibly dangerous disease for the human body basically just makes the human body produce many more human body cells than the human body needs.
“Experts” say lions and tigers can’t purr. Maybe they just haven’t made one happy enough.
Getting hit by a hummingbird would really hurt
"Getting back up on your feet" can be the easiest or hardest thing to do depending on the context you put it in
You know it's quality when the soap bar is shittily cut into a rectangle
Augmented reality will provide beer goggles for people who don't drink.
Despite the popularity of the Pokémon franchise, Game Freak is the laziest developer in gaming.
Memes basically are a new form of sarcasm
It's kinda sad to know that not a single one of our founding fathers ever quoted a vine
Neil Gaiman is a historian with a fiction writing hobby.
If you know how to do something its easy. If you dont know how to do something its impossible.
Spoons are just little bowls with sticks
Spiderman has been a part of every generation from babyboomer to gen z at some point
If your tongue could move like your hand dentist would be paid a lot less
People standing on high places shouldn't feel greatness cuz people down below see them like ants as well.
Anyone who is distrustful and claims that all humans are immoral and only think for themselves are probably part if the problem.
If you were to have a heart attack under water people would just think you were holding your breath for a while until they checked on you
Introverts are the extroverts of the Internet
The phrase should be "What do you feel?", not "How do you feel?".
Sea Lions must have been named before people knew about Sharks
A knife is literally cutting edge technology.
If Santa Claud was a nudist, that would be really awkward.
The Klux Klux Klan
If humans and dolphins are the only animals that have sex for pleasure, explain dogs
Forgetting about something you did and then being pleasantly surprised by that thing you forgot about is like your subconscious mind leaving a pleasant surprise for your future self
Walking through Fog is a really weird phenomenon. It’s like you are emitting light but only in a certain radius
Left-handed people have an entirely different tinder experience from a muscular perspective.
"The First Purge" is actually the fourth Purge
Finland and North Korea are separated by only one country.
Forgetting what you thought about in bed the night before is like not hitting the save button before you quit the game
Toll booths are like micro transactions for cars in order to get access to better roads
The Chief of Police is THE C.o.p.
The fact that mosquitos don't fly like flies is underappreciated
Sand is like poor snow
The Incredible Hulk is definitely a “grower” when it comes to penis size. Bruce Banner trying to figure out what condoms to buy is a funny thought, Hulk smash!
Fish are just water puppies
"Probably" and "It's probable" sound like they're different degrees of certainty, but it's not clear which is more/less certain
Humans bein at the top of the food chain is proof that the pen is mightier than the sword
2002: Dont get in car with strangers. Dont meet people from the internet. 2018:Uber, Tinder.
They make mini M&Ms, but they haven’t figured out “Little Skittles”
Opening an umbrella indoors isn't bad luck, it's just shitty when you open a wet umbrella and the water gets everywhere.
The Big Bang Theory is like the Nickleback of sitcoms.
Most movies involve love because love is always popular and an easy topic
House pets bring nothing but happiness.
Kids leave the pool to go to the bathroom more than their parents.
The darkness is infinite possibilities, just hiding
Tostadas are basically just tacos without integrity.
Cleaners put down the wet floor signs so people won't step on their work
Like most unreasonable people, I believe myself to be a reasonable person with reasonable views.
Brandi Love has a lot of step-sons
“Jacking off” and “off jacking” are opposites.
People with big thumbs have two ‘saved’ lists on Reddit - Saved and Hidden.
Eating toast with butter and jelly seems normal, but eating a toasted butter jelly sandwich screams psychopath
Giving a lower rating on a one-to-so survey in any format, including customer service or cleanliness for example, will actually benefit the company by encouraging better service
Saying that one dog breed is friendlier than another is like saying that one race is friendlier than another.
If Bruce Wayne wasn't born a billionaire he'd probably still end up being the world's highest paid athlete.
It’s strange how noses run but feet smell.
Adults generally try their best not to swear around children, while children generally try their best not to swear around adults.
All prey in the sea are seasoned with salt for their predators
It wakes you up more when you spill coffee on yourself rather than drinking it
For the most painful insect stings to be listed, a singular person has had to be stung by every insect on the list.
"I'm not a fan of Alex Jones, but
'The' should not sound how it does.
There could be a misspelled word in the dictionary but no one would ever know.
Dodgems are the only social accepted places where it’s ok to hit strangers
What if our world is actually a simulation and the person/group controlling it keeps adding more complexities based on our understanding of it. What we call discoveries are actually bread crumbs perfectly placed for us.
It’s called a nick name because Nick is “nicked” from Nicholas
Dog hair is dog fur until it falls off.
I wonder how many apple trees have grown from people throwing apple cores out of their car windows.
If sex made money spontaneously appear, would masturbation be considered the primary source of money of counterfeit?
I feel bad for every girl named Alexa
What if dating sites are designed to fail in order to keep you coming back to their website?
Understanding the meaning of a word with a thesaurus is easier than with a dictionary.
Salt and vinegar chips should be called vinegar, since original tends to have a lot of salt to begin with
Reddit is like a room full of people. You tell a joke and walk out of the room, then you come back 15 minutes later to see if people are still laughing.
People who offer "it is what it is" as an explanation for something should be kneecapped.
If God was a woman then the world would have frozen at the first spider
If an object has zero density does it exist?
The worst part of timetravel is going on reddit and not knowing which post is a repost
if jesus can walk on wather, then if he walks trought a river it will be like a running machine
Understanding the meaning of a word with a thesaurus is way more easier than with a dictionary
If you shoot someone is it considered stabbing them?
Having sex with someone is just your instincts' way of telling them "there should be more people like you".
I have found that understanding the meaning of a word with a thesaurus is way more easier than with a dictionary
If they were to remake Back To The Future today they could replace the "Ronald Reagan? The actor?" line with "Donald Trump? The TV star?"
American Football is like a jock's version of chess
The fedora is the Hitler mustache of hats.
DJ Khaled is the musical equivalent of the kid who does nothing but puts his name on the project anyway
"Snapchat" would have been a great name for an app where R/inthesoulstone could communicate in.
If the i in FIT gets fat, it spells FAT.
In cities where people honk like crazy a device should be installed in every vehicle, that allows people to honk only once in 5 minutes.
I wonder if 9/11 2001 was the best day ever for car rental companies?
Patriotism isn’t believing your country’s the best, it’s believing in the best for your country.
Human annihilation and time travel
Thank God I don't even know who Keke is...
While filling up any form that asks for emergency contact, everyone's should ideally say 911
The only thing Spotify has taught me is how to agonize for a full minute over whether or not to remove a song from my playlist that I haven't listened to in years
If a marijuana grow-op is owned by a stoner, does that make it a hobby farm?
People would care a lot more about climate change and deforestation if money DID grow on trees.
What would happen if Kirby sucked a dick?
When I see people protesting in the middle of the work week the only thing I’ve ever really thought is, “damn I want their job security”.
A lot of sub reddits and blogs are now trapped with bizarre names because the “food porn, earth porn, (noun)porn” phase is done
Some people are stupid, and I don’t like them.
I'm sick of tired of Mom keep telling me what to do and not what do with my facial hair.
A lot of girls named Alexa must be getting annoyed with "Alexa play..." jokes by now.
Dogs would probably hang old socks of people on the wall, instead of pictures.
Is there anyone Bruno Mars would actually catch a grenade for?
Why do companies advertise soft toilet paper with a design when the design makes it rougher?
Bolognese sauce should to be offered as a alternative for tomato sauce way more often at pizza places!
Sometimes it feels impossibly hard to make up a fake name that doesn’t sound made up and fake.
Evolution is nothing more than this generation saying "Let's make the next generation better than me!"
If there are jelly beans, why aren't there peanut butter beans?
Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything.
“Yeet” is for distance. “Kobe” is for accuracy.
I wonder if people just slap Lyft, Uber stickers on their cars and drive around nice neighborhoods at night stealing stuff.
I wish you could track the UPS truck with your package in it on a map in the same way you can see you Uber driver take eleven wrong turns on their way to your pickup point
Did Colonel Gaddafi take orders from Generals in the Libyan Army?
What's worse than a warm toilet seat?
There's already more empirical proof about reincarnation than any other religion doctrine in the world. After all, you've been born once already. Why can't it just happen again?
Digital Assistants should be a thing in cars, and we should be able to say: Hey KITT, roll down all windows and cruise at 80Kmph.
Facebook needs an "I already bought this" button for their ads
What kind of asshole does 15 in a 30?
If I were to teleport in time, I would be dumped in space because the universe is constantly moving. So 5 minutes ago I was several km (universe position) from where I am now.
If you own a houseboat, do you have house parties or boat parties?
It’s incredible what drawing a small black line on my eyelid does for my self-confidence.
Could you make a food so chewy that you use up all the energy gained from eating it in the process of chewing it?
Why the hell does Makarov know you?
Are cats aware of what color they are?
“I recently got divorced” can either be responded to by an “I’m so sorry” or an “I’m so happy for you”.
Maybe some of the redditors that joked about suicide committed suicide but we just don't know.
If you changed bodies with someone whose accent was very different from your own, which accent would you have?
I honestly thought I probably would've fallen down a well at some point in my childhood
I stink
It bugs me that in movies and tv shows the protagonist is almost always single from the start, as well as their love interest. It's as if their relationship conflicts only started when a camera crew decided to follow them around.
Audible should have a catch up feature that summarizes every chapter you've heard up to this point for when you accidentally abandon a book and try to pick it back up.
When the news shows a picture celebrating/showing 5 or 6 generations of ladies, all I think about is which one or two were the slutty ones at a young age.
This showerhead is placed annoyingly low
If we are in a simulation created by a more intelligent life form... that’s not really that far off from what many religions have been saying all along.
I feel like Bruno Mars wouldn't catch a grenade for anyone.
Birthday is a reminder for me that I'm one year closer to my death
Unmarried guys should never complain about the cost of condoms. You may not need them once you're married, but there is so much more time and money put into getting laid each time.
When you get to age 30 and think, "I most likely have less than this many years left twice over", it's a sobering thought
In about sixty years, the sentences: "Hey Jayden, do you want me to put your walker in the car? Or would you rather use your cane?" won't appear nearly as jolting as they seem today.
Am I referring to myself in the third person when I say "My brain hurts"
What if when you feel bugs crawling around you even though you see none, those are actually the ghost of all the bugs you've killed before
If practice makes perfect, and there is no such thing as perfect, then why practice?
If I had the same motivation throughout the day as I do right before I fall asleep, I'd be living like a king
What if there is a disease we don't know about because the cure in in our saliva?
No no no, soap! Nooooo! Get offa me!
If the plural of octopus is octopi, shouldn’t the plural of dingus be dingi?
When I see in the news that there is a picture showing/celebrating 5 generations of ladies from the same family, all I think about is which one or two were the slutty ones at an early age.
One day there won’t be a law against speeding on the highway, instead it will be a pay-to-unlock “feature” of an autonomous vehicle.
Jewish Scrooge
The 2018 version of the K-I-S-S-I-N-G rhyme would probably start with the baby carriage instead of “1st comes love"
There's no"i" in "team," butme is certainly in there.
For movie/tv show scenes where a woman is giving birth, how do they cast for newborn babies?
In hindsight, Bob Saget convinced the world that he was Danny Tanner, and had a hell of a time convincing us otherwise. I'd say that makes him a terrific actor.
People at work who say "I'm not here to make friends" should really rather say "I'm not here to make enemies."
If somebody names their kid Jake Paul would they get bullied or praised by other kids
Tom Green is an anti-matter Canadian.
Browsing oldpeoplefacebook made me suddenly realise that the posters on there today will be contributers few decades from now
Itching is sometimes highly pleasurable. Its a great feeling.
The more i get depressed in real life, the more friends i make in online life
Judaism has always been the only religion allowed to talked about or mentioned on kids’ television
Better late then never and something is better then nothing mean the same thing
The Watergate scandal began with the White House bugging the DNC office, and ended when it turns out that Nixon had also bugged the White House
Volcanos are the Earth's pimples
The reason why we have shower thoughts
Have you ever realized that buildings dont make the earth heavier because all the materials were already on it
If you order a box on Amazon, do you get a box in a box?
Why is wake and baking socially acceptable but drinking at 11 a.m. is frowned upon
Maybe woodpeckers are blind and they are conducting Morse code, often saying “I’m building a house motherfucker!”
If a deaf person goes to court, is it still called a hearing?
I wonder if deaf people can hear in their dreams, or if blind people can see in their dreams...
Books are probably the best 'try it before you buy it' product.
Niggers should probably be assimilated before it's too late
A kid watching gameplays on youtube is the equivalent of an adult watching soccer on television
The person who made the movie"Cats and dogs" must of had a bad experience with cats.
When you're pretty much doing nothing productive in college it's called the best time of your life. When you're pretty much doing nothing productive after college it's called depression.
I like the buzz my phone gets whenever I receive a reddit reply
If god didn’t want us to sin on our knees at home, why do we get on our knees in church?
If a dentist makes of people with bad teeth, then why would I buy toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend (Bill Nye)
Judge my history.
Browsing New posts on reddit is like National Geographic's...tons of ant eaters!!
I'm gonna put wheels and a motor in my couch so when people say that "at least your lapping everyone on their couch" I'm gonna say NAH FOO!!
The things I've done for a Klondike Bar would terrify you.
I love how easy technology makes life, until it makes life difficult!
Everyone’s autobiography has different contents, but the title is always the same: My Struggle.
Cracking open a cold one with the boys means something different to Necrophiliacs.
Why is there a D in fridge...
Maybe Donald Trump pre-requested that his gravestone carvings will read... “‘Died- mm/dd/yyyy’...Sad!”
If you compared countries ages like siblings, UAE is 1, the US is 6, Iran is 13, Thailand is 20, Denmark is 27, and Japan is 70.
Maybe companies use Taleo applicant tracking because they know most candidates won't want to put up with how awful it is. Reducing their applicant pool.
Dogs begging for our food, when their food is readily available, is proof that dog food sucks and tastes terrible.
It's the era of misinformation because nobody believes the President.
The same people who tell me leave this country if I don't like it are the same people who tell immigrants to stay in original countries and fix their own problems.
What if wasps are just zombie bees...
As a prefix “in” means not. Yet genius and ingenious both mean intelligent.
I bet there's a lot of people out there who have a great story about the time they did something badass, but they won't tell it on the internet because no one will believe them.
Becoming a professional boxer or MMA fighter means that you can essentially beat the shit out of 99.99% of the worlds population
Melania Trump's resting face when she's on official business with her husband seems to be one of perpetual fear.
Swallowing a few spoonfuls of corn without chewing and waiting till you poop it out will give you accurate date on how long it takes your body to pass food
If you tell me you're constipated, I'll tell you you're full of shit.
We have two years to make the "2020 vision joke" left before the joke stops making sense, and from that point on we can never make it again.
The Fact That We Are Not Sure If Time Travelling Is Currently Possible, Probably Means It Isn't.
How many times can i pretend to win the same fight as the same superhero instead of sleeping?
If we bring mammoth back from extinction, how many must we successfully breed before it's OK to try mammoth bacon?
Suicide rates would probably be a lot lower if an "Are you sure? [yes] [no]" box popped up beforehand.
If I could smell as well as my dog, I’d know what smelled so good down there
Somewhere in the country, our future president is currently crawling around the floor in his poopy diapers.
When people say “veg out” they usually mean the total opposite because they’re eating junk food
Do you know how much of a difference there is between a million and a billion? A million seconds is about 11.5 days. A billion seconds is about 31.7 years.
It's called going commando because your junk isn't receiving any support, like a commando on a secret military mission
Birdwatching is Pokemon Go for old people
When someone is color blind they see the color we call blue, red or something else but to them it’s blue when in reality it’s not blue
Doing something ironically is just trying to play both sides without committing
If you think about it, most house pets have a pretty severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.
if your identical twin has a baby, is that basically your baby?
I wonder how old the oldest person I have ever played an online video game with is
why did i came here in the first place
You ever think that the reason they’re called heart attacks is, because your heart is attacking you?!?!
When actors have to impersonate bad actors tend to act better than they should, making them bad actors
Candles went from being used as light to being used for its smell and the industry is still booming
Do you know what is worse than mass shootings. The number of Americans that die each year because they can’t afford healthcare.
Peeing on floating poop on the toilet while watching it disintegrate feels like a video game.
American Football is often thought of "Men playing a childs game". In reality its "Children playing a mans game".
Carrie Underwood would have been better off carving someone else's name into his leather seats.
Under the shower, wiping your eyes with your wet hands to dry them out is kinda stupid. But it works out well for me.
What if cats love of crawling into plastic bags is a suicide attempt and desperate cry for help, not an adorable personality quirk?
You ever wonder what it must feel like to be a clogged toilet?
Non-functioning traffic lights restore my faith in humanity. Instead of chaos, everybody waits their turn and is very civil.
Of a multi billionaire was to give me .01 percent of his wealth, change my life, and continue his life because virtually nothing changes for him.
Water resistant phones make shower thoughts easier
There should be quesadilla restaurants. We have burger places, taco trucks, whole cafes where all they do are crepes... a quesadilla is just as versatile.
This is 3 years late but the song “watch me whip” by silento was basically a newer version of “crank that” by Soulja boy
Scientologists are like the religious version of flat-earthers
Found it on r/memes, but i think here it fits better.
People who are anti-vaccinations have weighed up the pros and cons, and they've decided that a dead kid is preferable to an autistic one.
Isn’t it strange that we park on a driveway, and drive on a parkway?
People here turn into morons in the shower
Profit is called income but losses are not called outcome
Candles went from a source of light to something we buy for satisfying smells
What if professional magicians are actually magic and just use tricks to cover it up and make a profit?
When villains yell "Curse you!", ie. Doofenshmirtz, they actually mean to say a curse word but can't because they are on television.
The worst part about shaving your ass is the inevitable five o'clock shadow.
If our organs were sentient and had personality's, I imagine everyone's stomach as being fat and dumb. *Everyone's*
What if when villains yell "Curse you!", ie. Doofenshmirtz, they actually mean to say a curse word but can't because their on television?
Things can be really good. Things can be very good. Things can be really really good. Things can be very very good. Things can even be really very good. But… can they be very really good?
When do you stop growing up, and start growing old?