Living in constant fear of turning off the hot water to your shower only to have your hand slip off before fully turning off the water.
Short pants and long pants are two different kinds of pants, but we only refer to of long pants as “pants”, while while call short pants “shorts”, even though they are both pants
I wish I had a smurf account for real life
Washing oneself with a washcloth is nowhere near as intimate as washing yourself by hand.
What if the universe is just one big golf course and black holes are just God's caddies
Practically speaking, at least one kid in a set of twins is a mistake, since very few parents go to conceive expecting to have twins.
When sorting by New, you are accepting the opportunity/responsibility/expectation that you upvote or downvote everything.
I wonder what Greenday thinks about having created The Slideshow Ballad that will be used for centuries when people look at pictures
If there's only one person on earth, does subjectivity becomes objectivity?
You can say that you're down for something or that you're up for something and it means the same thing
All the planets in our Solar System were given cool names except our own planet
When you don't know what to say, you can just say something that doesn't mean anything.
Imagine a Foot with Only the Middle Toe.
If i asked you to have sex with me, would you answer with the same way you would answer to this question?
Imagine being a dog and accidently scratching your own sweet spot and never being able to stop
Our entire universe is God's golf course and black holes are just his caddies
Why aren't men's deodorant for women, and women's deodorant for men?
The most traditional dad joke is calling your dad when you have a child and telling him "Hi Dad, I'm dad."
Commercial painters wear solid white clothes... that seems like the worst color to wear if you’re going to be around paint all day.
What if the reason clothes disappear after you drink an invisibility potion is because it makes you sweat profusely and its the sweat that makes you invisible?
When people say that K-12 schooling was the “best time of their life,” it just makes me sad for how their lives must feel now.
My masturbation habits make me a mass murderer.
If you could make a car go 0-69 in 4.20 seconds I bet you could probably make a lot of money off it.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart things I say and do. Other times I try to get out of the car with my seatbelt on.
The statement “I have lied before” is always true
Sometimes I wish I could text my dog.
Jesus drove a Honda, but did not talk about it much. John 12:49 - "For I did not speak of my own Accord..."
Ozzy and Johnson&Johnson should team up for an ad campaign.
If Wolverine could only be killed by an adimantium bullet to his head, why wouldn’t he just stab himself in the head?
I think this all the time
Are table and stable etymologically linked ?
Shouldn't Thunder and Lightning be referred to as Lightning and Thunder?
You shouldn’t have to pay as much money as you do for clothes. You shouldn’t have to pay not to be naked you should be paid not to be naked.
If everyone that saw this post upvoted it, it would the most upvoted post in Reddit history. At the same time, if every person that saw this post downvoted it, it probably wouldn’t be the most downvoted post.
You think Bethesda developers just go to Silver Diner and listen to the soundtrack till they find a song that perfectly fits the next Fallout?
This shower thought might be a little weird but here me out. If u take a picture of your dick and then masturbate to your own dick does that make you gay or does that make you something else.
Sausages and chocolates are opposites when it comes to the appeal of finding out how they’re made.
The democratic party might be a government ruse to get women/moms to work and thus stimulate the economy
If Hillary would have won the general elections, then it would be the first time when a President fu**ed another president.
People who still obsessed with Facebook are a pathetic bunch.
What if the black part on my pugs mouth is just a big mole? He has little moles right next to his mouth, so maybe it's just a cluster
I wonder if people in Australia sing “I’d bless the rains up in Africa” instead
How can God look at everybody if the world is round.
When Marijuana becomes legal, posts on this group will soar.
If apples gree on pine trees would they be pineapples? Plus it would look like a christmas tree.
Watermelon should be blue inside, not red.
If you work in a cigarette factory. Canyou s.oke on the job? Do you get free cigarettes in break from the company?
Deaf people must get the best sleep.
What if all that Russia has on Trump is that Russia got Trump elected?
2020 is the perfect year to release augmented reality glasses.
All Russia has on Trump is that Russia got Trump the presidency
What many people fail to realize is that depression is basically a fancy word for feeling bummed out
Movies about historical conflicts should be remade from the point of view of the losing side so we could better understand the whole story. You wouldn’t just hear one side in a court argument.
Depression is just a fancy word for feeling “bummed out”.
No one has ever lived a full natural life in prison for assassination of a U.S president.
It's only a matter of time before society starts affirmative action for ugly people
I have never used the pizza, popcorn, potato, or beverage button on a microwave. I'd rather risk burning my own food than whatever those do.
Thor: The Dark World, Spider-Man: Homecoming, and Avengers: Infinity War are the only 3 MCU movies that don’t introduce or rebrand a hero character.
Is the saying “you look like a million dollars” offensive to billionaires?
When I meow back at my cat I wonder if it sounds like broken cat language to them.
(V) (;,,;) (V) ?
Cars should have a second, more chill horn for not dangerous occasions.
If you watch ads, you are a product, which means you are selling yourself. You are an internet whore.
How can God look over everybody if the world is round?
My success rate of picking hairs off my tongue is about the same as getting a teddy bear from the claw game at an arcade.
What if sharks only attack humans because we're all pumped full of drugs, (so they can catch a buzz off a warning nibble), but if they actually ate a person their friends would say they have a problem, so they have to pretend to accidentally mistake them for seals when they inevitably relapse.
With each new piece of wearable tech I acquire, I get closer to becoming Inspector Gadget.
If you wear a cap the wrong way round, would it be a pac?
Why the FUCK did i have to be fastest sperm
Bluetooth makes me a somewhat safer driver when it's working properly, but a way more dangerous one when it isn't.
Conspiracy theorists who are obsessively suspicious, never seem to doubt any of the conspiracy theories?
Why are suspicious people who are obsessed with conspiracy theories, never suspicious about the theories?
Has a Blood ever watched Blues Clues?
Liam Neeson passed the baton to Keanu Reeves and I am loving it.
Half the population will die at 70yo. My dad is 70.
I wish the human body had an OBD2 port.
My definition of the end of the world is when all permutations and combinations of music tunes will be discovered by mankind.
Long after I'm dead, that one plastic bottle I drank from that one time will still exist
I spent the first half of my life hiding all the shit I do from my parents, now I’m spending the second half hiding it from my kids.
When I was a kid I thought people born on january 1st or december 31st had really messed up their parents' new year celebrations
What if bus drivers dont like to be thanked
There are no news stations or newspapers in the Star Wars films. How are these people getting their information?
Do straws have one hole or two?
The degree to which outsourced tier 1 support scripts damaged normal human interaction by bringing something as simple as, “I understand why you’re upset,” into question can’t be overstated.
light switches should be located on the tv remote so you don’t have to get up to turn the tv off.
Anyone who works a job for just the money outcome, makes sense to me. Jobs who expect you to care beyond the paycheck are completely delusional to me.
Kids growing up today will have a much better understanding than mine why superhero secret identities are so important, thanks to doxxing.
1984 has come true. But Big Brother isn't the purely bureaucratic entity Orwell thought it was: the West worships and is governed by money itself. Money is the biggest brother. The best brother! Believe me, I know money, and I can tell you
What if Masahiro Sakurai got his revenge by actually making Waluigi as told, but putting him in the most expensive DLC, or as an unplayable boss?
Does ripeness even have to do with biology of fruit or is just when humans decided something tastes best?
My mom not only failed at raising me, she also failed at realizing her failure.
Why did Cinderella’s slipper fall off if it fit so perfectly.
I love how 99% of the time, the beginning of this sentence leads into a sarcastic statement.
Even though there are lot of great memes out there,the shitty ones like LOSS,Car Salesman etc. get popular and the actual funny ones don't get attention.....I think we should stop being attentive to this shitty meme and give attention to the funny ones.....
What if a Vampire bit a Werewolf?
I wonder how many babies were killed by corsets...
If a Royal victory is a “Victory Royale”, then is a moral victory a “Victory Morale”?
Why are we good at using our left thumb for texting, but holding a pencil in your left hand is uncomfortable?
Why do people in the military have to pay taxes if taxes are what pays them?
I will be alive for the rest of my life
I bet shake it 3 times your playing with it guy won't be so cocky when he's 50
I wonder if any of the ordinary obituaries or news stories about someone’s death are completely made up. Like maybe someone is a secret agent and getting reassigned so they have to put some closure in the city they leave behind or maybe they were killed in a way that makes it classified.
If you combine all of the fruit flavored sodas do you get fruit punch soda?
If you’re not supposed to do anything half-assed, then why is our ass split in half?
Even though I am always 99% sure I know which way the batteries go, I still always end up looking for the + or —
"Excuse me" is the civilized way of saying 'Get the fuck outta my way'.
My right hand has cut the nails on my left hand and both my feet, but my left hand has only ever cut the nails of my right hand.
Why in this day and age do we still have to type out .com ? Keyboards have buttons for all kinds of shortcuts, why not one for .com ?
Do cats/dogs have arms or legs?
What is gay porn?
Fire alarms in your home shouldn't be a loud beeping noise like an alarm clock, they should be a really oddly distinct sound so you are positive there is an emergency.
When talking about heaven and hell, why do we only talk about humans and not animals ?
What bothered me most about Sleeping Beauty is that the whole kingdom fell asleep for a 100 years, and literally no one noticed how an entire country just vanished off of the map.
Why is my bed 1000 times more comfortable when I have to get out of it?
Can the same water flow down a waterfall twice?
Is grommet cereal a thing?
So I was at a waterfall and I was thinking if the same water could ever flow down the waterfall twice. Then I realized, just like certain moments in our lives, we only need to experience some events just once and thats what makes them memorable.
Life is crazy. Ive never been this old, but each moment I get older. Yet existence itself has never existed further than this moment either. So in a way i am equals with all of existence itself.
Hardware stores should sell cut flowers so people can buy their hunny-do list items and apology flowers in one stop.
Are people who don’t like it doggie style more evolved ?
My 4th July confidence..On behalf of all the losers..FU..K OFF
No battles were fought on July 4, 1776. To celebrate it properly, we should have loud pen-scratching sounds and skywriting.
If ovens are used to bake things, why don't people use them to get baked?
If a chicken is born from an egg, what laid the very first chicken egg?
If all vehicles become autonomous do we need traffic lights?
Aren’t eggs we eat daily just chicken miscarriages? Isn’t that morbid to think about?
Why do clothing pieces of higher sizes cost the same amount of money as a smaller sizes, even though they need more material to make.
What if the human life span was 3 days, but water extends it.
If European colonists robbed Africa of its riches, was this simply wealth redistribution?
Where's the video game where you play someone watching twitch streamers... I'd watch a stream of that.
I think that watching 50s shows in black and white made it somehow more rational that every guy was wearing a suit.
What if conflicting religions are an advanced civilization's pesticide to exterminate homo sapiens before they infest other planets?
Buying a Amazon (or digital copy) of a movie is equivalent of buying a laser disk, both of them are supposed to last forever, but will the formats live as advertised?
The England vs Sweden game this Saturday is the perfect time for me to go hit Costco/Ikea. It'll be quieter than my 16th birthday party.
When you're in jail, your good friend will be trying to bail you out. But your best friend will be in the cell next to yours thinking, 'Damn, I'll miss him from tomorrow!'
If I showed you magic you would think it is technology, if I showed a cave man technology he would think it was magic.
Why do people check with their hand to see if its clean to sit, if they are going to wipe in their pants anyway?
Is your internal monologue what you think you sound like? or what you want yourself to sound like?
Does the saying "brother from another mother" come from mormon families?
What if this is a simulation and deja vu is fragments of data from previous simulations?
TV remotes should be rechargeable
Oh My God....
Why do guys have to wash their hands after peeing? My clean genitals have only touched my clean boxers, meanwhile my hands are covered in a million germs. Shouldn't we wash our hands first? It's not like I pee all over my fingers.
I hope I'm not out of shampoo.
When couples spoon in bed, either both people get heartburn or nobody does. How many relationships have ended due to the wrong choice?
They should remake only bad movies, making them better, then remake really good ones and attempting to appease a already very pleased audience.
Why is Lust pictured as a hot woman but Gluttony as a fat man ? One is the sinner, and the other the target of the sin. Either Lust should be a rapist, or Gluttony a donut
Most (or a lot) of sentances have never been typed, I actually could've typed a new sentance.
If god created everything, who created god?
If your vagina had teeth and you had toothache would you go to the dentist or the gynecologist?
What if life is just a game and a coma is when someone just goes AFK?
The plural of "doberman" should be "dobermen."
The “I” in “Kirkland” is silent
Even though I don’t have kids I still appreciate when a business puts a baby changing table in the men’s room
Do you have good or bad luck if you have a lot of near death experiences?
If a bee is flying inside a car that’s driving 60 miles per hour, is the bee flying 60 miles per hour as well?
If someone dies, you have a human corpse. If it comes back to life and eats people, you have a zombie. But if you then kill the zombie, do you have a zombie corpse or is it a human corpse again?
People say they want to have all the muscle gains without the work, but how would it feel for your muscles to grow without your body moving?
“You only live as long as the last person who remembers you.” Got me shook.
Celebrities are the canary in the coal mine for plastic surgery
Humans make me sick. Self absorbed self righteous selfish self centered narrow minded disgusting creatures.
Someday it will be acceptable to place the $ after the amount. I don't want to live in that world.
"An encounter with someone from your past is in your future" -Aren't all encounters with people you know an encounter with someone from your past?
What if Aladdin ended up with the one that thought he was "rather tastey" instead?
My brother convinced me to play dungeons and dragons with him and his friends... never before have I experienced such cringe
People should sneeze on their knuckles before a fight to inflect poison damage
What if "dark matter" is where all of the "aliens" are.
I think I hate sports because when I was a child sports were something the big kids were good at, 'big' in this case meaning four year olds.
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic's Twilight Sparkle coming of age as an alicorn princess is just Transformers' Hot Rod coming of age as Rodimus Prime, because Hasbro
Why do they need a combine harvester in the movie cars?
There should be a recall button for tv volume for when a loud actions scene comes about and back to regular talking
Does a virgin have zero fucks to give do they have to earn a fuck before they’re able to deny others?
Sometimes I wonder if my dogs know I'm the one in control of the car or if they they think it's some weird box that magically goes places when we're inside it.
Does a virgin have zero fucks to give or do they have to earn a fuck before they’re able to deny others?
One of my favorite things about facts is they're facts whether you read them or not.
So if you're about to change lanes and your car warns you there's something in that lane even though you can't see anything, you should probably not change lanes in case there is an invisible alien spaceship or time traveler there.
If everyone on earth gave me a singular dollar, I would have around 7.5 billion dollars.
I can tell twins apart, but I can't tell any chimps apart.
I treat comedy the same way I treat art. Even if I don't get it, I make up my own meaning for it, and usually find my meaning funny anyway.
They should have made an AOL Dial Up Modem ringtone, just sayin..
I'm not sure if the Tide Pods challenge became uncool, or it was a self-correcting fad
The Foo Fighters must be exceptionally good at fighting Foos, since I have never seen one in the wild.
See how humans can be allergic to cats and dogs, do you think that cats and dogs can be allergic to humans ?
Why do we go to sleep just to have dreams of being awake?
I wonder if I've ever eaten eggs from separate batches that originated from the exact same chicken.
I was walking along a street to get home then o started to choke on an Oreo and my eyes started to tear up, so i was wondering if anyone new why this happening when you choke on food?
I don't personally know a single person who's ever been genuinely helped by a police officer.
To me death and getting buried seems a little less frightening, imagining that I'd get buried in my pajamas instead of suit and tie.
What if Bob Ross was a serial killer and his paintings were the locations of his victims?
If robots can't figure out how to click a button that says "I'm not a robot", why are we worried about them taking over?
Do I add conditioner now or tomorrow?
I will always run to help the person whom is crying, but if I'm crying I never want to bother anyone else.
What does the world cup winners get as a reward? Or is it just glory?
At fast food places, we are told to pull up to the second window. What cool things could we be missing from the first window?
If You Think I'm Sexy by Rod Stewart and Sugarland's All I Want to Do sound the exact same and nobody seems to be talking about it.
What if life gets much more boring as we grow older so it’s not disappointing when you die
Are we just a collection of our traumas and triumphs where depending how much we have more at any given moment dictates our lives?
If people start killing killers, you will have more killers or less killers?
What if sleep was just a disease that we all had and someone found a cure for said disease?
Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies, when we could bake bacon and cook cookies?
What if AI is really just being developed to be so advanced, so that people can use it to beat Captcha challenges?
Why is this one Kansas and this one isn’t Arkansas?!
Why does curly hair always seems to look it's best when wet or damp, and then it looks like a bird got it when it's fully dry?!
If my rabbit went to college...what career path would she choose?
The fact that robots can't check a box that says "I'm not a robot" makes me feel better about their supposed eventual takeover.
It'd be pretty cool if the TV brightness would increase and decrease automatically according to the ambient light just like it does with my phone
I don't think depression is like black dog, dog is friendly and cute, my depression is like giant snake, spitting venom in my head and strangling my mind.
I’ve probably seen more strangers have sex with each other trough internet porn than all of my ancestors before me combined.
Man's best friends(cats&dogs) are miniaturized versions of the most notorious Predators on the planet so it makes me wonder...
We should mark every dollar bill we get with something unique to see if we ever get one of our bills back again
If a Sea cucumber is fermented, does it become a Sea pickle?
I don't like when smartasses say "me three" after I say "me too" because it's like they're accusing me of misspelling "too".
Playing tug of war with your dog is just you stealing his toys and your dog going "hey, don't touch my shit!"
After watching Ant-Man, I wonder if maybe all those little items (pens etc) that have been dropped and vanished forever simply went sub-atomic
Does a straw have one hole or two holes?
Prisoners should be punished by taking away their freedom but not their lives.
School friendships are literally “I’m here for a good time, not a long time.” friendships.
If you are born deaf what Language do you think in?
The phrase "it is not you it is me" when used on a break up leaves the person thinking about that phrase ultimately being true and allowing the person to realize how it was not their partner it was them
I doubt I was the only one who clicked on Adobe Acrobat thinking it was a game
If a pop artist uses excessive auto tune to help themselves sing, how the [expletive] are they supposed to perform live?
Why don't we ever see astronaut blooper reels where they stunt for the camera doing their weightless somersaults but then hit their head on an alpha magnetic spectrometer or something and be all like "whoopsie, that thing cost like 2 billion dollars."
If Mountain Dew goes flat, wouldn’t it be Plateau Dew?
Is it possible 'reality' is just some form of immersive movie and I'm really just suspended traveling through deep space en route to a new colony?
I should buy more soap.
Is the Internet threatening that sense of stability we want?
If I had a dollar for everytime that I went out to a restaurant when I had plenty of food in my refrigerator then I would probably go out to a restaurant and spend that money too.
I’ve ended the lives of so many pieces of food by eating them. I’ve ended the live of the plants and animals they came from. 😟
For the ungodly amount of people dying every year, I have seen surprisingly few dead bodies.
If I get in an Uber and all we say is hello and goodbye that’s an instant 5 stars for me.
How are they not serving dinosaurs for dinner at Jurassic Park?
What’s lazier than not refilling the toilet paper holder, and just leaving it on the counter?
i bet the only difference between heaven and hell is that in heaven you're only allowed to be happy and in hell you're never allowed.
Do dogs think our fingers are tongues considering we use our fingers to pet them about the way they lick us?
If plankton is so obsessed with getting the krabby party secret formula- why doesn’t he get someone to buy him the burger?
I wonder if shoutouts were made up by an advertising company.
What if dogs whose owners regularly steal from other people in the house develop the same habit, but steal only socks?
If a time traveler goes back in time and talks about something they've done, do they speak in the past tense or future tense?
If DVDs come with digital videos then books should come with a digital book.
What if the brain is just another organ like the heart or liver, and its got nothing to do with the mind or consciousness, and we just think it does because its the least known about organ so we assume our consciousness must lie within it or is caused by it.
To every gag video of people getting pushed into a pool/lake, I think "what about their phone?"
If normal people tend to think using a voice in their head, do deaf people think using images of text?
Why isn’t water named “Earth Juice”?
Why can you smell rain?
I wonder how big Bob Parr's parents' chins are.
Saying “i’m not going to lie” implies that you would usually lie.
If NEIPA is supposedly the lazy or easy way to brew beer, then why is it nearly triple the price of the mainstream domestic beers?
If there really are more good cops than bad cops, why don’t the good ones speak out against the bad?
When pornstars get a lot of views on their videos, does it make them happy or sad?
You could use lowercase ‘L’s instead of uppercase ‘i’s in texts, and no one would ever be able to tell.