Mattress stores & dentist offices are 2 places that should really mind how clean their ceilings are
American Idiot by Green Day was 10 years ahead of its time
Did salaries dropped down the moment women started working? More people working -> more people that had to be paid -> less money for everyone
With everything going on in the US political system, we should all feel like we're qualified to run for President
What if the term “giddy up” is just a shortened version of “get thee up”
Did you know that I will die if Nintendo gets bought out by Microsoft or EA
The present is the best possible outcome future time traveler choose to change in the past.
The true measure of a person's character is if they pick up their dog's poop when no one is looking.
When marketing people say we deserve the best, there are probably serial killers in the audience who think, "Hey, you're right!"
At some point someone was just like 'You know what, I want cake for breakfast...' and the pancake was born.
What if all animals on earth have a huge oxygen addiction and that's the reason we die if we don't breathe?
I wonder if having a cast iron stomach means you need to eat lots of greasy food and don't take showers with soap.
In the early 1990’s we purchased internet access in hourly segments
I'm going to a prison feels soooo much better to say than I'm going to prison.
The majority of kids now won’t know the comedic value of called the last telly tubby poo and how that formed a social hierarchy in primary school.
Starbucks should make a drink called Arianna so I can get a Grande version of it
Before having kids, my favorite thing my wife could do for me was sexual. After having kids, the best thing she can do for me is let me sleep in.
Americans using random Japanese phrases is what Japan has been doing with Engrish for decades.
If a woman puts on a cowboy hat, is it then a cowgirl hat?
when constantly thinking about genetics and why men have nipples i realized...
People say you can't be racist against white people but what about albinos
Shouldnt an escalator that goes down be called a de-escalator?
If everyone in the world agreed upon a common location to leave a sign if they ever traveled back in time then we would immediately know if time travel will ever be possible.
For the beginning of a child's life, being a parent is like creating a character in a RPG: You decide what their name should be, what they will wear, what skills you would like for them to develop, etc.
What if human sized spiders screamed whenever they saw you
What language does a babies internal monologue speak?
If you think about something that is happening right now you are already thinking about the past cause you need time to think
What if human sized spiders screamed whenever they saw you?
"It's not my favorite" normally means you don't care for something, when in reality, it could be your second favorite.
What if a door that says push aren't the directions, but a challenge?
Does anyone else mentally hear "George Rah Rah Martin"
If you don’t know who the..... (warning, c word inside)
I am beginning to think that these missions arent that impossible after all
Almost everyone in the world isn't a Democrat or Republican
I wanna live in the universe where Putin wins the election but we still have Heath Leger playing Joker.
Why don't people call quicksand, sinksand?
If someone on the internet tells you there's a housing crisis and they live under a bridge, they're probably just a troll.
Are we haunted by nightmares after death like we are in our sleep?
What if all animals on earth just have a yuge addiction to oxygen and that's why we die if we can't breath it in?
If time travel were ever invented in the future, it would have existed for all of human history since somebody could take the time machine into the past and “invent” it then.
Indian immigration to the Americas really shows how full circle globalization has gone
Maybe we don’t have time travel because every time someone invents it, someone else travels back and stops it from happening.
I wonder what bugs smell like, its just that theres just never enough of them at once to smell them..
The shower thoughts bot is kind of stupid.
If the multiverse theory is true all of our favorite shows could be happening right now.
Shouldn't military uniforms have pre-built tourniquets on vital areas?
Psychological manipulations are just the adult version of I got your nose
If the Pennyfarthing had been invented in modern-day, it would have been called the Loonie Toonie.
If mosquitoes drank Thor's blood, would they die or become Asgardian?
Imagine how many people have only taken the 'before' part of their 'before and after' exercise photos.
An escalator that goes down be should really be called a de-escalator.
Your home life should always be 20 times better than your work life.
If we ever end up in a situation like the one in the movie A Quiet Place, I’d take some solace in knowing that the people who whistle in public would go first.
I often see my dog sleeping and pet his ear and tell him he's a good boy.He loves this- it's a shame we made it so creepy to do this to our friends/family.
When did FTW change from Fuck The World to For The Win?
If beds were never invented, what would coffins look like?
Is a semantic argument really an argument?
“I’m sorry” isn’t just a sentence, it’s a language.
I’ve never seen a fresh pea, only frozen or canned
Before I have my morning coffee I'm not qualified to buy my morning coffee
how many people actually wash their feet?
The ancient arabics who invented numbers should be ran out of ideas when they inverted the "6" to make the "9"
My mailbox is just a garbage can with a lock on it
If I was preparing for the Rapture, I'd start working out so I looked better naked
Pornhub.com has ruined storylines in porn for me.
I wonder how long until we learn that phone companies are selling our autocorrect data
The worst part about trying to annoy your brother is not being able to say I fucked your mum.
I wonder what would happen if you took both the red pill and blue pill that Morpheus offers you in The Matrix.
I was blown out of my dad's musky man candy into my mother's velcro love triangle where I hung out for 9 months only to be squeezed out and then proceeded to suck my mother's rack rivets, yet watching a sex scene in a film with my folks makes me uncomfortable.
Does the 'E' in Chuck E Cheese stand for 'Eats'? As in "Chuck Eats Cheese?" Because he's a mouse and they do shit like that?
Does Trisha still work at the pharmacy?
In actuality, ‘skinny’ people should refer to fat people as they have *more* skin.
I wonder what Jesus pairs well with. I would think beef.
Why is Spongebob the main character when Patrick is the star?
At one point in human history someone thought, “hey I wonder what would happen if I squeezed this cow nipple and drank from it”
People say "wait till the dust settles" before you try to make sense of something. But how long should you wait in a dust-free environment?
What I love so much about everything is how diverse and inclusive it is.
If body is capable of sneezing why I can't sneeze on demand
I wonder if I've ever eaten an egg that was the last egg a particular chicken ever laid
The song I Need a Dollar helped homeless people as much as Thrift Shop hurt them
If australia invented wifi, then why is australian wifi so bad?
I wonder if Trisha still works at the pharmacy
If all tomatoes are fruits but all fruit aren’t tomatoes, are pears potatoes?
The iPhone X offers true haptic feedback- that’s a milestone on a certain path- I think.
Issues with my PC that send me into the deepest crevices to solve them make me realize just how many features these things have.
The I’m a banana song has nearly 25x more views than the I have a dream speech.
"Nice guys" are just future MGTOW. They should hurry up and "Red Pill" so we don't have to deal with them anymore...
When our instructor told the class to watch out for differences in behavior in our classmates that may be a sign of depression or so and so, two types of people said the same thing, "I need to watch out."
Google search should have dark mode.
Why bagels are always poorly pre-cut?!
If a french kiss is an amorous kiss in which the participants' tongues extend to touch each other's lips or tongue, a french tuck should be someone holding the other person's penis inside their mouth.
Calling an already built structure as a 'building' has always baffled me
The mentality "it's only $5, why not buy it?" has probably cost me over $5000 dollars in my lifetime.
People who spend money on bottle Evian water should read the label backwards.
Would it be considered beastiality to have sex Edith a centaur?
Movie critics should gather up and make the perfect movie
"Can I ask you a question?" is asking a question.
I have never seen Down Syndrome in any other race besides Caucasian
Sudden arrhythmic death syndrome is a syndrome that can kill anyone, anytime, by no reason at all. It's like I could die while writing this senten
The fact that two of the main salad dressings are Caesar and Italian makes me think that people from Italy eat nothing but salad.
According to Occam's Razor there are leprechauns living inside my television.
When you grow up you will think to yourself "Wow, i am so glad that school ended" and then you remember that you have work tomorrow.
According to Occam's Razor there are leprechauns living inside my entertainment center.
Why do people say "ass-less chaps"?
I dread the day my kids point out my flaws and make me question my role as a parent.
Why the ordinal numbers for English numbers between 10 - 20 aren't referred to as "tenty-one", "tenty-two" and so on
If you got your phone stolen and you've got it back 7 years later, is it still your phone?
Every time I hear a phone on the TV vibrate I ultimately always check my own phone
Sniffing around the yard for 10 min before taking a dump is my dogs equivalent to browsing a phone while on the can.
If you’re mowing with a mower...aren’t you the mower?
There are little people living inside my television.
If I learned a bunch of old Nordic and spoke it using English syntax, I'd know Norse code
They should sell a dog-food-like human food that contains all necessary nutrients for the day in a can.
If Waves In The Ocean Didn't Exist, It Wouldn't Seem Like They Should Be There.
If poison goes off does it get more or less poisonous?
Yea I got a type, it's emotionally unavailable...
Do you think there's a guy out there that told his kids he was going to go get vape juice and never came back?
I could walk down the street while talking to myself and no one would think it was weird as long as I wear headphones.
Must you be an ostentatious asshole to drive a bmw or does it just occur after the purchase?
If I happened to be born a female instead of a male, I could save over $300,000 on rent/food in my lifetime.
All new laptops should have a small sliding cover in front of the webcam.
If aliens came to earth would they still use the same math as us?
how come movies end up on streaming apps and books increase in price?
If you're scooting on a scooter, are you also a scooter?
Does FAP stand for Frequently Answered Prayers?
What would happen if you masturbated into a Pensieve?
My skin's first-line defense against invading microbes is a bunch of other microbes that invaded and hunkered down.
A difference I've seen in millennials and older generations is when asked for their email address, millennials will say "email123 at gmail" and older generations will say "email123 at gmail dot com"
I wonder what the equivalent of cordite is in 2018. Hey Balfour.
When someone in a movie starts playing an instrument and then drums are coming in, even if they are none, do the people in the movie hear that?
Cars should have an indicator to show that the driver is going slowly only because they're new to an area and the sat nav can't find the building
My Hero Academia is an alternate version of the Incredibles
Do gay people make jokes about their gay friends being straight?
I often think about making my own reality TV show about Australians finding love and calling it “I Wallaby In Love”
The answer to 'does my butt look big in this?' Should now be yes, instead of no.
Who coined the phrase "coined the phrase"?
If there’s a fly in your car whilst you’re going 60mph down a motorway is the fly also going 60mph ?
If everyone believes life is not fair, doesn't that make life fair?
What if dogs had feet proportionately the same size as humans?
If the Elder Wand in Harry Potter were real, would it cast the same spell several times in a row because it couldn’t remember if it had done it already or not?
Sometimes I wonder what happened to the people who asked me for directions.
When people ask me why I have that usual feature, I blame it on my parents. But now I feel bad that my future children will have to deal with those same questions and they will blame me.
I wonder how many people at a public speech just look at the person doing sign language the entire time
The instructions for recreating the entire human population of my hometown from their DNA can be stored in the flash drive in my pocket.
When a water bottle has a clear or blue cap, I think its plain water. But when it has a green or red cap, I am thinking lime or fruit flavored water
Airports should skip gate C4 the same way hotels skip the 13th floor.
In Curse of the Black Pearl, Cpt. Jack Sparrow becomes undead in the middle of the fight against Cpt. Barbossa, as shown in the moonlight, by simply possessing one Aztec coin. Wouldn't Elizabeth Swann have looked like that in the moonlight her whole life?
At what point did someone realise the arts-n-craft potential of pipe cleaners?
I would let mosquitoes take my blood if it didn't make me itchy or give me diseases
It should be the boring photos that need the Photoshop Battles to become interesting, not the already interesting ones.
Do regular dogs see police dogs and think oh no it's a cop?
Supermarkets need to have product directories like big malls cause even the employee can't find the damn thing i need
If no one from the future comes to stop you from doing something how bad of a decision can it be?
I've never seen a group 'raising awareness' for something I was unaware of
Its easy to tell how productive my day was by how much phone battery I have left at the end
I strongly think the first person to ever eat a raw oyster did it on a dare from friends yelling “DO IT! DO IT!”
what if squidward so bad at the clarinet because he never has time to practice because he is always at work and Mr.Krabs doesn’t pay him enough to be able to afford sufficient time off
Being a parent means having bought a new game but you have to spend the day building LEGO instead of playing it.
In a parallel universe. Adolf Hitler is considered one of greatest Austrian artists of the 20th Century.
The seemingly harmless concept of "finding the girl of your dreams" literally means finding a girl that happens to make your unconscious self horny...
Facebook is the best birthday reminder app ever
Traveling in a Foreign language country feels like watching silent Notepad tutorials of youtube.
The worst part about having an OC username is knowing that when it's taken it's an account you had previously that you forgot the password to
Holy crap guys, do you remember the Duck Song from YouTube? i just realized it has the same exact song structure as Cats in the cradle by Harry Chapin.
If a mentally challenged orange baby can be made president, then literally any US citizen can become president.
If you start your sentence with "Honestly" I assume you're about to lie to me.
There are no bad words, just times that using certain ones are bad.
Is there anything worse than someone saying "Is there anything worse than *insert thing*" and it clearly is not the worst thing?
People who get Gadsden Flag license plates to protest big government are volunteering to pay the government extra to do so.
My parents bed will always feel more comfortable than mine
If war ever happened alot of people would know how to use a gun cause of fps games
You call them your ex because you or they EX-cuze themselves from the relationship.
My mom said she was planning on stopping after her first child, but I was born one year later. I guess I'm just a happy little accident.
I've never seen my dad eat Skittles.
Police do a lot of illegal things legally
If you listen to enough Japanese music, part of your brain starts remembering the music. Does this make you part Japanese?
if you think about it, saying we should treat minorities like people indirectly implies that minorities aren't people
knife throwing is a stunt where missing means hitting.
Sean Bean's name is pronounced as Shawn Bean instead of Shawn Bawn or Seen Been.
Soon there will be a place called the "Hexagon"
The really should have toilet seats that automatically lower 30 minutes after they were raised. Would save SO many relationships.
In China, Chinese food is just called food.
I was thinking...
it ain’t your money til you make it
I was actually getting ready for a shower...
I can instantly recognise bubblegum flavoured ice cream, milkshake, candy floss, etc, but I've never tasted bubblegum with that flavour.
If you think about it without grocery stores we would die of starvation. So basically they are playing gods
Both useless and useful are paradoxes. One has use when it should have none and the other is only half full of use.
Just wondering, how many times have I met the same pigeon in my way and never realised it.
The Ubiquity of the Number Twelve
If You Gave Senator Kelly Dietrich Banning’s Spring Water, Would He Even Out?
The next time someone tells you "kiss my ass" , go and kiss his donkey .... You are Welcome !
Spongebob Squarepants could also be called “Bob’s Burgers” and makes sense.
Why do establishments differentiate bathrooms that are single occupancy?
Germans should be called Germs if British people are called Brits
None of us would be here without cum
People who develop the prompt to use their shitty mobile App with the larger bright colored buttons and minimize the ‘go to mobile site’ button/link should switch the two and watched their install rate jump up for the next hour.
You know those moving walkways in airports n stuff? I want to go one one that goes 100mph then i want to sprint on it so it seems like i am running really fast.
What if aliens are holding off a hostile takeover of Earth because they mistook Chuck Norris jokes for fact?
If nicotine is so addictive, why don't restaurants put nicotine in all their foods so customers always come back?
Stapler manufacturers should get together with staple manufacturers to see if they can figure out a way to fit a full row of staples into a stapler.
Why do the gang The Crips use Blue, when they can't say Bs?
I think there should be a car magnet that says," Hi, I am not an angry driver, so if I cut you off, or drive in a way that you don't like, please assume I'm sorry and that I spaced out. Beep beep!"
When you take a second before starting from a light and someone honks, the people behind just need to calm down. When the person in front takes a second, they need to get their ass in gear and you honk. Are you both wrong or both right?
I wonder how often babies cry simply because they can't reach an itch.
If an Extra Small is smaller than a small and an Extra Large is larger than a large what would an Extra Medium be??
If Cinderella's shoe fit so perfectly why did it fall off?
When a girl says "I don't sleep with a guy on the first date. I'm is not like others girls" she is in fact acting exactly like other girls.
Does anyone have a dream to renovate a Victorian home but scared it might be haunted?
What if the mute button on Google Home and Alexa really just made the assistant listen more carefully...
I should be able to tell if you’re single or not, just like we have a system or way of telling if someone is married by looking at the ring etc.
I got old real quick
There is head and sholders in my eyes.
I’d be fucked if I was at a a TEDTalk and the speaker said “In a study published by the Institute of Psychology, they found that 87% of people will believe what you say if you start your sentence by citing a made up source and percentage number that seems credible.”
What if my dog only brings back the ball because he thinks I like throwing it?
Telemarketers call other telemarketers more than you would think.
If gas and air are weightless, why do we feel so much lighter after we expel some?
While people understandably get nostalgic for the music of their youth, imagine showing Spotify to someone during the 90’s or any decade before that. Their minds would be blown.
I Believe in a Thing Called Love by The Darkness is just Hit Me With Your Best Shot by Pat Benatar.
/r/TIFU should be called /r/OTIFU (One Time I fucked up)
A sausage is also know as a wiener which gets condiments, which sounds like condoms, and then goes in the buns.
When a man says “typical woman; never satisfied”, it probably means *he* can never satisfy her.
Number 2 pencils should be called number 1, because they are the most popular.
When we talk about using our phones, we should refer to that action as “finger-banging.”
Mind Showered
What is a word or phrase you know well, but can’t recall ever using in your vocabulary (excluding derogatory)?
RIP all the pre-2016 Donald Trump references in hip hop lyrics that are not aging well.
Facebook basically harvest people time and sells it to companies. Time is money my friend.
We should... Impeach the U. S. President
How cold is 2x cold as 0°C
Nightmares (black flaming horse) are called that because 'mare' is another word for a horse. Nightmare is basically a horse that appears during the night.
While people understandably get nostalgic for the music of their youth, imagine showing Spotify to someone during the 90’s or before. Their minds would be blown
Its hard to sell a "FOR SALE" sign without another "FOR SALE SIGN"
They should have a Loan Shark Week where fat greasy mobsters beat the shit out of degenerate gamblers live on television for 7 days straight.
The first person who got twins mustve been very confused
Obesity rates should be lower in NYC than other cities since people who live there primarily walk as their main mode of transportation.
Everyone born in 1959 turns 59 this year. Every other year has this pattern: in 2020 everyone born in 1960 will turn 60, etc. No one can turn their birth year old on an odd numbered year.
The people who complain about paying taxes for things like universal healthcare, probably give hundreds of dollars a year to strangers through lottery tickets.
Changing the suns with moons in "You Are My Sunshine" completely changes the meaning of the song.
It should be considered a talent to be not hot and not cool at the same time.
Twix candy bars are called Twix because they're a cookie biscuit sandwiched "beTwixt" caramel and chocolate.
It's going to be much harder to create a good username on Reddit soon
If your social media is full of selfies, I just assume you’re boring and had nothing better to do.
Music Apps should allow users to filter songs in their playlists on a BPM range in order to play songs that fit the intensity level of their current physical activity
Paradox: Nothing rhymes with muffin, am I right or wrong?
Power Rangers should call Megazord sooner than the enemies grow up.
A GPS app can tell me where on the planet I am in a couple seconds, but if I want to see a street name I have to drag the map around for thousands of meters until I find it.
What happens if you tape 2 different Bills of the same value together?
Since smart phones became more prevalent, you don't find much hard copy reading material in bathrooms.
Does Red Hulk think he's the regular Hulk and the other Hulk is Green Hulk?