If there is an odd number in any species does Thanos cut someone in half and let only half of that person live?
Parents of successful people should teach classes on how to be a good parent.
Enormous computer power and brain power (including coding time) is wasted to do conversion of different units, dates, paper sizes etc. used in different countries - so much that someone should calculate the economic loss on resources spent on these activities
Sometimes I wish there was a quick test to determine the cause of a stomach ache or headache.
All companies should have scheduled Nap time.
Do movies that acknowledge the existence of other movies exist in a universe where every movie BUT theirs exists?
We should be eating lab grown meet by now...
If “no news is good news” and “there’s no such thing as bad publicity” then is news good or bad?
I don't smile because it exposes my skeleton.
Soap companies could just put something that turns water darker in their product and I would probably buy it because I thought I was getting cleaner
When robots rule the world, will they make each other check “I am not a human” boxes when they do stuff online?
As an IT guy I am now overly suspicious: are people friendly to me because they want something, or do they genuinely like me.
You should be able to water wooden fences to make them grow taller
When describing their formative years, no one ever says, "I was a pretty rough crowd. Those kids shouldn't have been hanging out with me."
If I date my ex again then he/she is my ex ex
Can you abandon a time capsule?
If any of my fingerprints can link me to a crime, how come only my thumb opens my iPhone?
A wife who loses a husband is a widow. A child who loses parents is an orphan. But what about a parent who loses a child? Or a child who loses a brother?
How do blind people know when to stop wiping?
What if Jesus had a twin brother that was in cahoots with him and showed up after the crucifixion?
If you want to know the length of a banana do you mesure it's curved length or from one end to the other in one line?
Are Psychologists the Priests of our time?
Stories about rich and famous people, who dropped out of school, should just be a reminder, that you should never drop out of school unless there is real chance to get rich and famous, instead of mostly coming with this "life isn't over, if you don't make it in school"-massage.
The kids that sang “it’s my aeroplane” for the Red Hot Chili Peppers are about 30 years old now.
Why the fuck is ‘damn’ a curse word.
Do meatballs come from meat donuts?
Ingenious means the same thing as genius.
Reddit should have a “thermal colored” slide bar on comments to indicate when the conversation got aggressive or wholesome.
You're officially old when the radio station announces a new music concert in your area and you don't recognize any names playing on stage.
In a parallel universe, you’re already dead.
there would be more people on websites like reddit if only they heard of them
No wonder trap music is calledTrap, I mean it’s gay.
in a parallel universe, you’re already dead...
Every car you have ever driven by had people in it living an entire life completely separate from you.
Going through someones posts and discovering their last one was years ago is like looking at a dead body. That account will likely never post anything else.
Ctrl-Alt-Del should have included the Escape key.
Posts are called hot because hot air rises just like the posts.
You know you're officially old when the radio station announces a new music concert in your area and you don't recognize any names playing on stage.
There are probably a lot of ignorant people who think the Muslim Executive is about executing people
When talking about wounds the worst and the best have the same connotation of it being the most bloody/painful wound.
If you tell people a weird/random story, it usually makes you look strange or doesn’t fit well in a conversation. It’s much more accepted and funny if you say you had a dream about it
The Modern Concept Of "The Future" And "Futuristic" Didn't Exist For The Vast Majority Of Human History. When Was The First Generation Capable Of Thinking About Itself As "Living In The Future"?
It doesnt matter if youre heavy, you will always (literally) weigh less than everything
[Indians] Why are doctored videos called doctored when they are actually engineered?
Today’s kids will never know the shear terror of calling your gf/bf and praying they pick up before the parents answer the house phone.
Having twins was never considered a proof of adultery
Does nasal mucus have a smell?
I can always tell when a movie is available for purchase/download because all of a sudden .gifs of that movie are in high quality
Your mom is the only person to say "How are you?" and mean it
“Acts of God” is an anagram for “Cats of Dog.”
Emoji are just high budget rage comics
When a meme dies, No one cares about it. But when a famous meme dies, everyone cares. Are memes just like people?
If I had never moved states as a child, would my life be better in my home town?
Why do peanut butter and apples taste so good, but applesauce (cooked apples) and peanut butter don’t??
If alternate realities exist. There might be one where you can buy weed legally for 4 dollars and 20 cents. But since it’s legal, no one will get how rad it is to buy weed for 4.20.
While sunbathing, you're actually slowly roasting your skin using a star that's 149 600 000 km away from you.
Are nail salons in Asia full of caucasian workers?
Random selection is only fair if there is no God
If Mars Bars are essentially Snickers without nuts, does that mean Mars Mars are just female Snickers?
The company Kleenex had such a large monopoly over tissue paper, that most people just call tissue paper, Kleenex
Are posts called hot because hot air rises.
What would happen if you “fake died”? And saw your life’s best memories before you. Would you live happier after that?
Sunbathing is just slowly roasting your skin using a star that's 149 600 000 kilometers away from you.
Nobody ever attempts a real Charlie Chaplin cosplay these days, due to the offchance they get mistaken for Hitler when they take off their hat.
What if the singularity already happened and tv shows and movies that show A.I. deserving of personhood is part of the integration process?
Why are the mods always asleep?
There should be a countdown timer at railroad crossings so you know how long you'll have to wait for the train to pass
Knowing a friends reddit is like peeking into their diary.
It’s only really Americans who seem to post things like “i recently lost 400lbs” is it just a US problem? Like republicans? or a world wide concern like trump?
We have many of them and freely give them away, but what is a 'thank'?
Have you ever had a personal conversation entitled to a personal conversation?
I read an article about space exploration
I wish I could be the backseat passenger of myself to find out how (un)comfortable my driving is.
If you drill down to the centre of the earth and place yourself there in a suit able to resist the heat, which way will you "fall"?
Common sense is a lot less common then I was led to believe
I am so glad I don't have the urge to fart uncontrollably during sex
The Gym should have a membership package where you pay for every day that you don't go
If someone ever wanted to rob me blind all they would have to do is bring a dog.
If you have the superpower to read minds, do you hear a person's thoughts in your voice or theirs?
Saying "forgive me father for i have sinned" is essencially saying "sorry daddy ive been naughty"
What of there is an afterlife and its generated by whats going through your mind leading up to your death?
So in the world of cars, arent they basically just watching track and field?
Where is the division between really steep stairs and shallow ladders?
If (there is a) god who is all powerful and can do anything imaginable, can he/she create an obstacle that he/she can’t overcome?
It's 2018 and I don't know anyone that uses their phone without a 3rd party case
The 4th should be "Have a barbecue out in the country day" for dog owners.
Out of all superheroes I know of, Captain planet would be the one most likely to save the world rn.
What if statuettes are humans in super slow-mo, causing their atoms to freeze and be solid
Everybody in a jury should be put through a mock trial so they understand how almost anything in their life could be manipulated negatively against them.
If bike is short for bicycle, what if Mike was short for Micycle
If your body temperature is 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit then why is being in a 98.6 degree environment uncomfortable?
Currently trying to find solutions to a million different possible scenarios that can be played and making sure I am ready for all of them even though I know none of that will probably happen...
If UNO ever had a sequel would it be UNO 2 or DOS?
When you see a REALLY ugly car, remember that someone at some time said "Yup, that's my car!"
If UNO (the card game) ever had a sequel would it be UNO 2 or DOS?
When I'm 70, songs from the beatles will be 100+ years old...
My favorite part of July 4th is --July 5th
I'm going to buy the biggest diesel truck I can find, and once I crank it, I'm never going to turn it off. Ever.
If I lived every day like it was my last I'd drink and smoke so much I'd very quickly increase the chances of it being true
I wonder how many animals or insects use my car as a mobile home or a bus...
What do you think Louis CK does all day?
Wouldn't it be so cool if joji dressed up as filthy frank and the gang but acted like himself?
What if unicorns existed ?
I miss Vine
The word "palindrome" should be an actual palindrome.
Why does King Bowser revert to human-dinosaur when King Koopa dies?
If something faulty is broken is it whole?
I'm gonna get out ahead of the game and predict that "Hindsight is so 2020" is what they'll be saying 3 years from now.
Having a golden shower thought should be NSFW
Superman is unwittingly responsible for giving hundreds if not thousands of people cancer through his careless use of x-ray vision.
The plural of YouTube is Y’allTube
There should torally be a sub called showerTHOTS
Rubble is clearly the best Paw Patrol pup.
A loofah takes longer to rinse compared to a soapy body.
Do bugs even take fall damage?
Gilding a NSFW porn link on reddit is like paying for porn that is already free.
A Jeff super Goldblum should be better but it sounds way worse.
If you buy a car from a dealership, you should get a discount for the free advertisement they get from their logo being on the back of the car
You always prepared to go in the shower, but you never prepare to get out of the shower
I believe every person elected to POTUS should get a free trip to space to see the earth as a whole before they try to change it
Most think clouds are beautiful but once they come down to us we call them fog, consider them as creepy and associate them with death and murder.
What if our universe is just fuel for a much larger machine and in this larger machine goes everything that gets sucked into black holes.
A prosecutor never believes a word the defendant has to say unless it is a confession then they believe every word.
Someone was the first person ever to say to themselves, “I’m going to put those genitals in my mouth.”
Why don't other animals have belly buttons?
Its depressing when after telling a joke someone laughs then says “Oh i wasnt laughing at that. Its this on my phone.”
Reddit could make a lot of money if, in addition to Gold, we could buy "Idiot Stamps" for other users.
Theres few worse feelings than telling a joke, having someone laugh and they say “Oh i wasnt laughing at that its this on my phone.”
What if your depression means that one of your multi-yous from the multiverse committed suicide and his sadness reaches you, causing another one of your multi-yous to do the same and so on... Hence the length of the period in which you're depressed.
The plural of YouTube is Y’allTube
Theres no worse feeling than when you tell a joke and someone laughs but then they says “Oh i wasnt laughing at that.”
Seeing everything in life typically has the best graphics, but the gameplay is usually shit
If someone living in the US a hundred years ago was magically transported to 2018 they would of thought they died and went to heaven.
Why do we get in a car, but get on a bus?
Showerthoughts don't always happen in showers
I think I should just find a coffee scented air freshener for my car. Apparently it’s absolutely necessary for me to spill every goddamn time I’m in there!
If Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin had an MMA match it would be the most watched sporting event in the history of mankind.
"Make America great again" now means to get Trump out of office.
Money is motivation to work hard, more money is motivation to work more harder. But people call that greed.
Anyone who’s never played golf is technically better than the best pro golfer because they have less points.
we have 10x the nuclear power than what was used in WWII and the USA has a someone like Trump as president. That's scary.
Did you ever notice that you buy clothes from the same stores as others, yet rarely you see someone dressed the same as you?
A lot of people these days are so sensitive that a simple, "You need to lose weight for your health" comment is treated like, "Oh, so now you're saying that it's not okay for me to be me?" when, in actuality, it's a serious point of concern.
Between the 'H' of Hyde and the 'J' of Jekyll there is 'I'
Growing up, my mom never let me play with a Ouija board ("just in case it is real"). My mom passed away about a year ago and I realized i still cant play with the Ouija board, cause if it is real, she'd know.
The lens through which we view the past should be called retrospectacles.
Horses when automobiles started come around "It won't take our jobs.", Humans when machines and andvance AI started to come around " It won't take MY job"
Religious wars or fights between grown ups who's got the cooler imaginary friend.
I still buys shoes a size or so too big to "leave room to grow into them"... I am 30 years old. Thanks mom.
Its very rude to say someone is fat, but If Said right, saying somebody were fat is a compliment.
r/Thanosdidnothingwrong is basically a sub dedicated to a more successful comic book Hitler
Canadians say “sorry” in the same way others would use “excuse me” or “pardon me.” It’s not that they’re constantly hyper-apologetic, it’s just a common expression in most parts of the country.
What if action movies are just the government's way of showing us all the crazy shit that happens without letting us know it actually did...
What will help you get furthest in life, honesty or earnesty?
Shouldn't Warming Up and Cooling Down be the same thing?
Skin color reassignment should be an acceptable form of punishment for those convicted of hate crimes related to race.
You can learn a lot about a person depending on which celeb they think of first when you mention the name “Kylie”
What if there was a Carfacts for relationships...
When robots and AI are a thing, will the Daft Punk be considered as offensive as blackface?
What would people deaf from birth sound like if they’ve never heard another voice?
We should send out another voyager craft with the entirety of Wikipedia on it.
Memes prevent me from wanting to die and to live at the same time
4 babies are born a second. That must mean that 4 or more people get laid a second.
Can we take a minute to appreciate all those people who died checking edibility of mushrooms.
In 100 years there will be parodies of Donald Trump, and people will think the show is exaggerating
Did we ever find out how the Joker got his scars?
“Seedless watermelons” still contain those white seeds. Why aren’t they called “edible seed watermelons”?
Is irrational feel sorry for someone that died. Especifically for the meaning that it is being dead, this person doesn't have a consciouss anymore and it's not like hes suffering or something to you be sorry about.
Is the ‘k’ in “acknowledge” silent?
Apparently, a lemon is not naturally occurring and is a hybrid developed by cross breeding a bitter orange and a citron. So I guess life never gave us lemons. We invented them all by ourselves.
Out of all the raisins I've ever ate, I wonder if a few of them have been rat turds.
Successful actors have taken “Fake it ‘til you make it” too literally.
If weed has been used for 7,000+ years, that means our ancestors got the munchies, dry mouth and had pointless deep conversations.
One country's name is not like the others. Turkey? That's a bird, not a country.
For all the Christians in the Marvel Universe, Thanos’s snap would legitimately look like the Rapture.
Do you think people would get judged a lot more for fishing if fish could scream?
People who correct the misuse of the word irony should just stay quiet and enjoy the irony of the misuse of the word irony.
How bad can Hitler be? After all he killed Hitler.
Why is it okay to say, "Look, man," but not "Look, woman"?
Is having admiration for someone because they are influencial the same as saying, I like this person because others do?
If I had super power of invinciblility I'd still be terrified of going deep into the ocean or under large ships to check out the propellers.
I want to buy a funeral home just so I can place 'No Necromancers Allowed' signs everywhere.
How on earth did someone come up with rock paper scissors?
Fuck I forgot to buy more shampoo again
Have you ever wondered, "I bet I'll always remember this" and then wondered, "I wonder how many times I've said that but forgot..."
If you need glasses to see and take a psychedelic without your glasses, are your hallucinations blurry?
Shouldn’t fat people be strong because they carry around all that fat?
Do twins ever realize that one of them was unplanned?
I realized I was an adult when I stopped asking if the party was BYOB and started asking if I should bring a side dish.
What if ghost sightings are just god trying to show us a sign but each time he tries to show us a miracle we freak out so he just gives up.
they should make a Plax-type body wash so you know if you've missed any spots
Build-a-Bear has quite the scam going. When I was younger my parents wouldn't spend more than $10 for a stuffed toy. You're lucky if you B-A-B with anything less than $30.
Brain should understand that I-J-K-L could be an alternative to W-A-S-D, but it doesn't.
I wish there were a mattress that could measure and record the distribution of weight and area over a certain time so that we could all prove to our partners that they’re the ones always taking up all the space.
We should rename male prostitutes to prostidudes
What language do deaf people dream/think in?
If you expect the unexpected, doesn’t that make it the expected?
As a dishwasher, I come home after hours of work in which I get covered in filth, and I take a shower only to realize…I am the final dish.
What shape is a pear when it goes wrong?
Sometimes I upvote for no other reason than to get the karma to reach a whole number.
I need to clean this shower
Instead of hookers saying "pleasure doing business", they should really say "business doing pleasure".
Elon Musk already made cars, trucks and even flamethrowers. If he started making guns, he would be America's god.
Humor must of started when one of our primitive ancestors farted around the group
I'm really glad my shadow doesn't make any noise.
When you upvote something, you are also pushing it upwards on the page, if sorting by hot or best
If black men lynched white teens who said the n word, they would actually be pretty justified.
'Ligma', 'sugondese' and other similiar memes are just reincarnations of 'Knock Knock' jokes.
The best thing about living in post-2012 is not having fancy release dates on games and movies.
What if Earth was created only for Battle Royale and people just stopped fighting and just started living together.
Between You, and me, and the fence-post...
I wonder if people would still go on vacation if they weren’t allowed to post pictures on social media.
When a phone call/recording starts with “don’t hang up,” it’s immediately the first thing people want to do.
If 69 wasn't a sex position, it would make a cool company name/logo
I think I've updated Skype more times than I've had calls on it.
dogs have butts but don't really have butt cheeks
Dogs are cats with ADHD
The word SWIMS reads the same if you turn it upside down.
Instagram should block "new post" stories
For every "shit is this person following me", there is an almost equal chance of "shit do they think I am following them"?
Whenever my dad tells me something is “pretty sweet” my first thought is “I wonder what Stan Grossman thinks about it?”
Do you ever think about how if you break a chip you really just make more chips but they’re tiny
If you’re a male polygamist with two wives, do you refer to them as “my better third” and “my best third,” instead of “my better half”?
The word "bed" looks like a small bed
If not for Christianity crucifixion would just be another obscure method of execution.
Anime has killed the American action cartoon.
In a world where we operate a roughly 4.000 pound metal cage with wheels and we just have to trust that we don’t murder each other, i’m surprised cars aren’t the leading cause of death
When I’m outside the USA I use .5 dozen eggs in my quiche recipe.
Putin American Hero - Putin will instantly get global love if he plays Trump and releases all his dirty dealings.
This concern about "3D-printer firearms" is misplaced, guns aren't that difficult to make anyway.
Is plant based burgers really burgers, or are they just a new type of salad.
Reposts on r/showerthoughts might simply be thoughts that occur among different people at different times. Any redditor can conceived a similar shower thought as any other person in the 1800s.
Conditioner is just fabric softener but for your hair
The best acting is done when, the actor is not acting to play the character.
What was your Dream Profession ?
If you suddenly became a poisonous spider then I bet having all of your food taste like poison would get real old real fast.
If a hookers says "pleasure doing business", they really mean "business doing pleasure".
Can't wait to see J. K. Simmons play Jeff Bezos.
Vehicles should have dual horns, with one unit facing outwards and one facing the driver, so they too will get annoyed by the sound...
Anime has killed action cartoons from America.
I don’t know a single member of Pink Floyd but i know most of their songs
You can probably farm a lot of karma just by making a bot that spams the msg “Username checks out” under random reddit threads...
After all realizing the word teenager is actually mean “teen-age” Why is there no oldage even oldager hmm
We should just use engineered bacteria to make one kind of plastic super degradable, like paper and then just use that for straws.
The ability to pass gas is underrated especially when suffering from intestinal gas.
In court when a deaf person recalls a conversation, they would have to state that they saw someone talk instead of hearing it. Which sounds like they were spying from a distance instead of taking part in the conversation.
Alot of games in the future will probably have loss snuck into them.
Saying a product is rainproof but not waterproof is about as reassuring as telling me the product is bulletproof but only if you miss it.
In Eminem’s song “Stan,” he never addresses the lyrical quality of Stan’s letters. Em is also known for his aggressive/angry tones, but was taken aback by a fan with the same style.
None of the bots that check for adult content on YouTube is actually 18 years or more in age.