I wonder how much chicken wings get consumed on Wing Wednesday
If you learn a trick in poker, it would be a bad idea to say, “I have an ace up my sleeve.”
I owe my life-long love of broccoli to the fact that when I was a kid I would pretend I was a giant eating trees.
Remakes are the Hollywood version of reposts.
"Snape" and "Slytherin" sound like rejected names for the Pokemon "Ekans" and "Arbok"
Wouldnt it make a lot of sense if males had their tubes tied when they hit puberty?
Maybe this is a regional thing, but a small difference between black and white people I've noticed: White people often say, "I appreciate it." Black people often say, "I appreciate you." It's subtle, but I find it really meaningful.
How would the world change if tomorrow every bird permanently morphed into a random dinosaur?
Since he could walk on water, Jesus missed a trick in not circumnavigating the Earth.
My Left Nut Alone Consisted of More Than 10^24 Atoms
I should buy a tiny plot of land, install a fountain, and get free money.
Why do we do Dry July when Sober October seems like such a wasted opportunity?
It's funny how some people urge all mentally ill people should be locked in hospitals thinking that they are dangerous and need to be cured, while thinking people with depression is just being sad.
Illegally downloading a movie in the Bahamas makes you a pirate of the Caribbean
If I was sent back in time, I’d save Steve Irwin from the Stingray
Tough guys are called dicks even though ball sacks are fragile. Sensitive people are called pussies even though a whole human comes out of them.
I think bars of soap are gross
On Facebook you get likes from people you know, on reddit you get likes from people you don’t know
Since the invention of Twitter, there hasn't been a Prime Minister in Australia who's served a full term.
Growing up I learned not to put my hands/fingers on glass, today kids do it on a daily basis.
Releasing an album on Spotify and counting the number of plays for each song is a great way to find the best songs on the album.
So if Saudi Arabia wants to freeze all business ties with Canada, does this mean Canadians won’t receive bullshit telemarketing calls from their call centers?
If Eve ate the apple first, why do we call a throat bump an Adams Apple?
What will the God do after the doomsday, when people go to hell or heaven, ?
Why do we call it the “roof of the mouth” when it’s really the ceiling of the mouth?
If you were a vampire you could just say you and your mom/dad have the same name and looked alike so not draw too much attention to the fact you don’t age.
Do we dream with a narrative structure because of our exposure to stories or do we write stories with a narrative structure because of how we dream ?
The treadmill reminds me that no matter how hard you try to run from your problems, it gets you nowhere.
The Bible tells us that Jesus ended up being a flying zombie
Why do people talk about Printers like they're pets?
We should give more thanks to all the people who suffered horrible stomach aches as humans figured out what is safe to eat.
Who the f*ck cares about Kylie Jenner.
We should have a national holiday celebrating air conditioning which has done more to improve our daily lives than Christopher Columbus or even Abraham Lincoln.
How come in order to fall asleep, you have to pretend to be asleep?
If your one exception to cheat in a relationship is someone close to "unreachable" like a famous moviestar, is Angelina Jolie her exception my neighbour Bert?
A baby born in 1548, if brought to the present via time travel, would grow up and be like any other person in the modern age.
If Dick is short for Richard, does that mean Richard has a short dick?
Calling someone racist for mixing up Japanese and Korean people is like calling them racist for mixing up Canadians and Americans.
I realize a lot of the porn i actually "like" is where they hit specific positions and angles and not actually whoever stars in them.
Amirite?
Politicians should not be allowed to own stock.
If the Earth is the 3rd planet away from the Sun, isn’t every country a 3rd world country?
There’d be more upvotes on posts if the arrows were on the right side of the phone and closer to to your thumb.
Islands are just mini continents
The bumper sticker that says “save a horse, ride a cowboy” really makes me want to be learn how to be a cowboy.
Thanksgiving is literally celebrating white people coming to America and stealing the native's land.
Since the invention of Twitter, there hasn't been a Prime Minister who's served a full term.
Uniforms are called uniforms because they are uniform.
A remote controlled helicopter and drone are really the same thing. Except helicopters were cool when I was a kid and drones are cool now.
Computer graphics are called like that because they're graphing the formulas or code to create the images.
"I want to smoke a fag" can be harmless, or a homophobic threat depending on which side of the pond
Instead of starting their best shows at 8 p.m., the TV networks should wait three more minutes, because 20:03 is the real prime time.
Redditors believe everything posted on this site. Redditors are literally fucking imbeciles.
The White House has a tanning bed on site for the first time in history
What if they made a double sided USB so people are there for a week trying to plug it in
A trashman sounds like a profession, but a trashwoman sounds like an insult.
They should shut down r/conspiracy with no explanation
They should make a category for instagram so you can find pet accounts.
Bath tubs are really bad taking showers.
If reddit survives for long enough there will be a time when some users reddit age is older than most users physical age
You couldn't pay me enough to lick anything in a grocery store without washing it first... except beer and soda cans. I've been slobbering those straight off the shelf for years.
Using large words to sound smarter is basically putting on intellectual high heels
All those complicated showerthoughts were probably thought up while using a water proof phone in the shower or taking a bath because nobody would post here a thought not made in a shower.
Most of the "Showerthoughts" in this subreddit probably weren't thought of in the shower.
The biggest winner during intermission is the bathroom attendant
What if the original myths of werewolves were actually made up by medieval furries as a cover story for the times one of them was seen and they had to kill the witness?
The title of Joe Biden's autobiography should be "Read It and Veep"
Since whenbdo we hunt mammoths but can't stand the sight of a cockroach?
If the people of Washington flooded there streets like Venezuelas did, theres potential for global peace.
It must have been really weird for Marty McFly’s mom to slowly see her son turn into the guy she wanted to make love to in high school.
If haikus are meant to express an idea in as few words as possible, does that make them the original tweets?
Female bulldogs really ought to be called cowdogs.
Since Fred and George Weasley left Hogwarts before graduating, do you think they later earned their wizarding G.E.D.s?
Toilet paper isn’t considered a sanitary cleaning method, except for poop on our bare skin.
Reddit should have an option to coup a subreddit when the mods just don't do their job
Songs that have been used as my wake-up alarm make them unlistenable for the rest of my life
I want to see The Meg where a giant Meg from family guy is edited over every scene the Megaladon is in
They should replace the word "Milk" in almond milk with "Melk". Two birds, one stone.
What if dogs sniffing around before they poop is the same as us browsing on our phone while we poop?
I'd rather drive for 3 hours then be stuck in traffic for 1
I wonder if 40 is the right age to reveal that I've never watched E.T.
The most awkward thing about a long term relationship is the impulse to end every phone call with "I love you" regardless of who it is.
Whenever my phone lowers the music volume to protect my ears I always ignore it but I don't turn off the feature because I appreciate my phone's concern for my health.
Ever wonder how many miles you've scrolled with your thumb?
You and I are nouns. You and I are also not nouns.
As a child taking a bath is the worst. But as an adult you take baths for pleasure.
When a wild animal doesn’t want it’s weakest kin and gets rid of it, doesn’t that technically count as abortion?
Do trees care if you take one of their leaves when you walk by?
Vegans are against killing of animals therefore they should be against abortion.
If one of your parents was a ventriloquist, I bet you would have a really strange childhood
Strippers rain-dance more than native americans.
Probiotics are good for you, but so are antibiotics?
I always think I could survive ancient times, yet I could not survive today without a day without an ice cold beverage...
Brock Turner should really start a new career in therapy ...
Every “Greatest Day of My Life” moment has an unknown expiration date.
Is 40 the right age to reveal that I've never watched E.T.?
There needs to be an ELI5 resource for world affairs and politics.
people tell their kids they're getting older like it's a compliment, but they should really shouldn't say that because kids should make the most of their childhood
As a teenager, I thought the older people in their 20s who would always let us teens party at their place and buy us alcohol were really cool. In retrospect, you must be pretty lame to be hanging out with a bunch of children.
Someone coined the phrase “coin the phrase”.
Everyone is upset about plastic straws, but I still get multiple items of junk mail every day.
We're in a universe now that can theoretically save itself. We can be the culmination of an evolving multiverse
Doughnuts are more fattening bagels.
“Can I make the front page just by asking people to upvote?” - me
people tell their kids they're getting older like it's a compliment, but they really shouldn't say that because kids should make the most of their childhood
Whether or not you say "slash" out loud when talking about a subreddit (E.g r/showerthoughts) is the sitting/standing while wiping debate of Reddit. Where you didn't know that the other existed
I follow /ladybonersgw on my feed just to be fair to my girlfriend, so it isn't strictly t'n'a if we end up heads-on-shoulders scrolling down the feed, just enjoying it.
Whoever coined the name 'Penny-farthing' missed out on a good opportunity to call it the 'Farthing-penny' instead.
Since Bart and Lisa Simpson are 10 and 8 respectively, then canonically as of right now they were born in 2008 and 2010.
If two lesbians scissor, then do three lesbians fidget spin?
Doughnuts are bagels with more fat.
Why do alien spacecraft only appear to people that might have Parkinson's (super shakey video) or are filming with a camera from the 80's?
I should jerk it to Stormy Daniels as a show of gratitude.
Why is it necessary to blast the air conditioning at tundra levels in offices when we blast heat during the winter and are content with it?
Doughnuts are just more fattening bagels.
If you’re smoking weed in a hot tub, you are both boiled and baked
Are all villians inherantly mean?
Lightning McQueen is not fast at all considering he finished draw with The King and Chick Hicks considering he did not pit for fresh tyre and the other two did
If you to from A to B when you drive. Do you go from A to Z when you walk?
This is gonna sound crazy but l hope you guys know what I’m talking about have you ever noticed that sometimes real life glitches out like you can look at a traffic light and suddenly is shrinks
The key to happiness as an adult, is being fat in highschool. Sure, it sucked at the time, but 15 years later all the "hot" people look like hell and I look the same or better without much effort.
The difference between Americans and the British is that Americans think 500 years is a long time and the British think 500 miles is a long way
When you punch yourself and it hurts, are you too weak or too strong?
It doesn't bode well for humanity that the middle class of the first world allowed themselves to be convinced into spraying their own yards with chemicals so similar to the nerve agents used for mass killing in World War II. But it explains a lot about where we are today.
The “double quarter pounder” should be called a “half pounder”...
I have read so many Reddit post that I found amazing, funny, interesting... etc. Yet I've never up voted them! Sorry
I have read so many Reddit posts that I were amazing, funny, interesting... etc. But I never up voted them! Sorry
Snapchat should send out notifications if you are about to lose a streak ie. "your streak with Hannah will end in two hours"
My room is very flammable.
Electric Light Orchestra's name takes on a whole new meaning when you realize context: Light is the opposite of Heavy.
Nobody considers you a lumberjack if you cut down one tree. But if you fuck one goat, suddenly everyone in town calls you a goat-fucker.
I keep forgetting, it's not Warren G anymore.
UFO's only appear to people that might have Parkinson's (super shaky) or people that are filming with a camera from the 80's
Doughnuts are essentially bagels with more fat.
Canyons are just reverse mountains
I've never actually properly played or understood tether ball.
Manslaughter and mans laughter are very similiar yet quite different words.
Americans boast about having the best healthcare system in the world, then die because they can’t afford to use it.
The thought of some kid from the 1930s trying to spit shine my shoes pisses me the fuck off.
You know you have got better at typing if you can type any other six letter word faster than 'qwerty'.
It's a good thing Hitler had an obscure name and not "John Smith".
Say what you will about millenials, but I don't know anyone who sneezes in something they put back in their pocket
dood SIU3d
They're call "chips" because they're little segments that have been chipped off the potato.
We have two years to make the "2020 vision joke" left before humanity can never make it ever again.
I don’t laugh when I hit my funny bone.
Does anybody actually say “toe-MAH-toe” though?
I would play HQ trivia way *way* more if it notified you when the game was about start instead of before the obnoxious 8 minute introduction.
When hot water from the shower hits your back it feels like someone's giving you a bear hug from behind
Since I have no idea whether or not magicians are actually performing magic (cause they never reveal their secrets), I can assume that everything they do is real and they’re actually wizards, living among us.
If you spoke the “Word of Dog” today you’d be considered insane
What if we all had sclerosis but we actually all forgot about it?
When you can’t stop staring at someone’s acne it’s “disttracne”
It must be weird for people my father's age who got into jazz when it was a rebellious form of music to have to hear it in elevators now.
If you drop a bottle of shampoo in the shower, you must yell "I'M ALLRIGHT".
I wonder if there’s a guy out there named Harry Nuts.
What if sea turtles had access to our modern medicine?
Is a pool on a hotel roof technically in-ground or above-ground?
if coco-cola really cared about the obesity problem they'd put cocaine back in the receipt
When religious institutions are caught being peadophiles, they should be abolished; when it’s the government, it’s specifically that person and it has nothing to do with government being a horrible institution.
Everyone is attractive in low light when it’s late, that’s why it’s called “evening”.
Why are there baby gender reveal celebrations but both the parents are happy with either outcome?
Very few posts on this sub ere likely thought of in the shower.
In an alternative reality Australia would be on top and the world spins clockwise.
Why eat corn when we barely digest it
What’s the difference between streaming services with commercials and regular TV?
For the total amount of hours accumulated waiting and watching loading screens, installations and videos buffering... I could have probably done something better with my time!
I bet Taco Bell’s old “Make a run for the border” slogan wouldn’t play so well these days.
In Harry Potter, Mr. Weasley asks Harry "What is the function of a rubber duck?". I'm a muggle and I don't even know the answer to that question.
Life?
If you have two middle names, you actually have no middle name
We always say money can't buy you happiness, but when a rich person says they are depressed/sad we belittle their emotions by saying they have so much to be thankful for and they should suck it up
Wait, did I put the bottle upside down or was someone else using it?
Candace could've showed her mom the Guinness World Records book to prove that she was right about Phineas and Ferb.
Uncrustables should be a type of ravioli.
Humans are the best and worst thing that happened to this Earth
There should be a different version of each live action movie released that doesn't have any CGI or special effects, just the used take for each scene.
Is horsepower the number of horses to achieve a certain amount of power? Is 300 horsepower equivalent to the power 300 horses put out?
You know you’ve mastered a language when you understand its word puns.
Dogs like to carry around sticks because early humans needed firewood.
I wonder what happens when someone is allergic to anti-rash or anti-itch cream
We should tear down all Gadgets, and reuse components that are still up to date.
Mexico is the Italy of North America.
Golden shower thoughts should be nsfw
Why does the o in no have a long vowel sound Or the the o in or? Or so? But at has a short vowel sound?
I wonder how many people have trolled someone on Tinder and posted it to r/Tinder for a couple hundred upvotes never to talk to them again, without knowing that that person was actually their soulmate.
Everytime someone says “the world would be a totally different place if this never happened”, it is said in a world where something else that would totally change the course of history actually never happened and that we are all unaware of.
Cats are called pussys, but they actually act like dicks.
Different words rhyme in different languages
Why is 2+2=4 the classic example of an easy math formula. When 1+1=2 is considerably easier.
Is there a greater paradox than that of a misogynist homophobes choosing a masseuse.
If an alien commits a crime on earth we're going to need a term other than man hunt.
Why does Han “Solo” always seem to have a co-pilot?
”Only when pigs fly” statement when you dont believe something is stupid, becouse you have flown atleast once
The main ingredient in my fish food is fish meal. Its basically soylent green
Why are all the words for lack of intelligence so hard to spell right?
If you eat eggs, and eggs come from chicken, and chicken comes from eggs, does that mean when you eat chicken you're eating egg? And vice versa?
The copay on my anxiety meds means I'm subscribed to happiness for $10 a month
Maybe the extraterrestrial life we're trying to find/contact is alternate versions of ourselves in parallel universes.
I guess horses can't 69.
Time Travel
If horror movie villains are really immortal then why do they waste their time killing horny teenagers instead of taking over the world?
If you woosh someone as joke, and someone else doesn't think you're joking and wooshes you, that person should then be wooshed.
The concept behind those memes about how humanity turned wolves into pugs could also be applied to humanity itself.
That thing you can’t find will always be in the last place you look. You wouldn’t keep looking once you found it.
"Literally" is mostly used figuratively. Which is the exact opposite thing the word was made for.
“Shower Thots” are female intellectuals thinking outside the box
People who think suicide is selfish are projecting their own depression and anger issues
Redditors act shocked that hot girls get lots of upvotes despite the fact that positive response towards sex is literally the defining feature of life.
No matter how old I get trees still look like broccoli
Lawnmowers should have a cup holder for your beer.
One could get some decent karma from those old Philosoraptor memes
A bathroom is like an airport for your turds.
There's no doubt someone is looking at google right now how to make ice cubes.
My City is called like a food.
Saying “Mother of God” implies that God has a Mother.
The textual symbol for sarcasm should be a line spinning around like a twister, larger as it goes higher
I’m, losing my mind all the time I’m, not a blue jay.
Suicide is just DIY death
IPA beer is basically a fancy name for malt liquor.
If I could turn fat into money, both my student debt and the weight I gained in college would be gone.
/s either means you are amazing at sarcasm or really bad at it
There was this time when my dad would check multiple time in the night if I was sleeping peacefully then now, I check couple of time if my dad is having a peaceful sleep. Just to let you know my dad had a brain stroke.
I wonder if mountain deer would let humans pet them if they knew that they didn't have to do anything in return and WE would even walk to THEM to pet them.
Catching seaweed/mussels is the I Got A Rock of fishing
School is just like slavery
The saddest book title I have ever seen is ‘Microwave Cookery For One’.
If people could turn fat into money, college grads would be able to get rid of their student debt and weight gained in school at once.
It cost 300-1000 dollars to file bankruptcy. So you have to spend a grand to tell the government you are poor.
Self driving cars have been around since ~3500BC, we just called them horses back then
The fact that you can't lick your elbows is the best example that some things in life may seem to be very close to us but is still beyond our reach
I've tried oysters, champagne and Viagra, but the best aphrodisiac ever invented is having your kid go spend the night at their friend's house.
Showering is putting water on you woah
As soon as someone posts a “rare” photo or video on reddit it is no longer rare.
Do calculators always tell the truth?
The word “Mercedes” uses all three pronunciations of the letter e.
It’s illegal to engage in sexual acts for money unless it’s filmed and distributed.
Everything you do requires blind faith that everything around you is working properly.
The name Everest seems like a nod to all the people who die on the journey up and rest there ever after.
One phrase you’ll never hear is “I was so upset I went home and binged on apples and salad”.
Do people who are born blind know that they are blind if nobody told them?
Is it called a honeymoon because you're with your "honey" and you "moon" each other?
Why is it in the animal kingdom, male animals are the pretty ones to attract female animals but for humans it's the opposite?
"I am teaching myself the Python language" would be a much cooler sentence in the Harry Potter universe than it is in software engineering.
The people on r/pirates must be said their sub can't be called r/
Cannibal Corpse is just a really specific way of describing a zombie.
Golden showerthoughts should be nsfw
What's so unique about me?
I just lost the game.
Hats off to the first guy who looked at a pineapple and said "I'm gonna eat that"